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Alcoholic left me - I should be over the moon...
October 29, 2005
5:28 am
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snowleopard
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Have been reading these threads for weeks. They've been a great help. I was in an alcoholic relationship for over 4 years. It's finished now - I should be happy but am having trouble coming to terms with what I 'tolerated'. There were fabulous times. He called it off two months ago but kept calling me to 'make up' or sort things out. By the time I'd meet him he'd have had a drink and Mr Nasty would been in front of me. Things hadn't been right for a while. I had had enough hurt and realised a long time ago that I couldn't help him. So I think maybe we were both pulling away from each other.

He always made such an issue about needing me, couldn't be without me etc. Anyway, even after he called it off he didn't stop the verbal/emotional abuse. Things culminated in him phoning another woman in front of me. Then trying to deny it. Kind of hard to forget that lovey dovey call - I heard what she said too.

Anyway even though it hurts that he's with someone else and womanising like it's going out of fashion (no change there then!)I know unless he gets help, every relationship he has will go the same way. So in time he will be abusive to her, not yet though, because she'd run a mile, he has to 'reel her in', get her hooked and then move the boundaries.

The emotional/verbal abuse was appalling both when we were together and since we've split. Dreadful comments about my lovely children. The worst thing is he had me believing all the problems were down to me and my children. He almost turned me against my own kids. Logically, any person who can be abusive about innocent children doesn't deserve headspace - but I feel such guilt for 'tolerating' it.

His calls have reduced greatly. I've ignored remaining ones - so he sent a horrid note. Anyone would think I was the one that was unfaithful. I feel bad for staying in this relationship - it should've been me who left - but I still miss the good times. It was such a slow, gradual process that I was in too deep before I realised what was going on and then I wasn't strong enough to leave.

This is important I think for anyone in a relationship with an alcoholic - a recovering/ed alcoholic once told me: "He will not have a mature relationship unless he gives up the alcohol and even if he gave it up today, it would take two years" - Does anyone want to wait that long????

Am trying to stay positive but it's difficult when he's still contacting me. I'm having to learn to laugh again, to be in 'normal' company - to have a 'normal' life - but it's so difficult. Normality has changed into something very different over the last few years.

Thanks for listening.

October 29, 2005
8:17 am
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nvr2late
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Well, good for you, I guess? It is a tough thing to go through..I understand, my stbx is going through the same thing....womanizing, drinking and we have been on and off again for the past year, married for 14 years.
I understand missing the good times, and there are breaks of clarity for him...we have 2 kids and he was emotionally abusing his OWN kids.
I guess all we can do is go on, I stopped talking to him and handing the phone to the kids when he called...he does not like that.
It is all about control, they can do whatever they want and expect you to just forgive them when they have a bad day or a bad relationship.
He will NOT have a mature relationship, until they 'figure it out'....what is important and what they want out of life.
That is a sad place to be.
Feel sorry for her and what she has to deal with, and be thankful for what YOU don't have to deal with.
I was sad last night, sitting in my own house with my own kids and not knowing where he was...but then I remembered all those times living with him, and my stomach hurt because I did not know when he was coming home and how drunk he would be.
I did not have to worry about that!! It was a nice feeling!
Take your time, be with yourself...
it gets easier, but being lonely still is an issue.
Love your kids, they are learning how to be treated by people from you!
They deserve you to protect them! and keep them safe....not someone to ruin their self-esteem because they are immature ass****!!!!
'Normal' will be different now, but it will be peaceful too!
Enjoy it while you can, since you have a long road ahead of you.
Alchoholics do not know what their boundaries are and he will keep trying to break them!
Stay Strong!

October 29, 2005
8:42 am
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classof77
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Snowleopard,
I know it is easier said than done, but you have a new start, celebrate your freedom. He will get tired of hanging on. I was married to a man much like this. I spent to long that way until as you said you have to relearn what normal is. I had to nearly start over in remembering who I was and what I stood for.
We were together 15 years all of them one of form crisis or stress after another. The weekend he left I couldn't think of anything but "how dare you leave me and tell me it is my fault after the crap I have put up with from you". I have come to think of that now as the one stand up thing he ever did for me. I know he didn't even do that for me. He did it for himself, he just couldn't face the person he had made me into over all those years. Or I should say I had let him make me into.
But back to the issue at hand. I know how you are feeling I think. You are grieving what should have been. You are angry because he got to play the trump card of leaving when it should have been yours. You upset with yourself for allowing him to compromise you to the point he did and since he was the one who left, you can't even feel that you cured the problem. You feel that noone will truly understand since you are the discarded one.
You are ahead of where I started though because until all this started to take place in my life I had no knowledge of emotional abuse, the depression it can cause, or any of the mental issues. I just knew the whole thing sucked. I knew I had behaved badly, (otherwise known as reactive abuse), knew that although I had thought about it so many times I couldn't leave (Stockholm syndrome). I went from being heartbroken over the loss to being so angry and bitter I would have hired a cheap hit if I thought I could have.
I have come to look at it now as fate's way of doing for me what I was not strong enough to do for myself. You are on the right track, you will get through it. Normal is out there, laughter and fun are still there, and you and your children are in a better place. Be the person you have always wanted to be for yourself and for them. It doesn't matter what he thinks or says it is just an extended version of the same game. Think of you do have and can do, not what has been done. Don't be hard on yourself for what you have been through. Are things to the point where you should get a no contact order on him? Take care.

October 29, 2005
9:12 am
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lollipop3
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Snowleopard,

I understand how you feel. I am in a similar situation as we speak. My b/f is an alcoholic. He has been sober for over a year but has refused any type of treatment or therapy, so his behaviors are very much the same as if he drank. He has replaced drinking with work and is a typical "dry drunk".

I have been trying to distance myself from him over the past month which was the last time that he verbally abused me much in the fashion that you have described above. Even though I have set boundaries and have been trying to detatch, I still have not made the decision to "end" it. I know that I should but can't seem to bring myself to actually do it. I know that eventually he will do it and I'm not sure how I will feel about that.

Right now, he is in the process of doing things to try to make me feel insecure and I have to be honest....it is working. I do feel insecure. I am filled with fear....will he cheat? Will I lose him for good? I don't know. I know that he is doing these things to get me to act on that fear and to cling to him. The opposite is happening. The more he plays his head games with me, the more I am trying to emotionally distance myself....but inside it really hurts.

I have a feeling that I am going to feel the same way you do right now if I allow him to be the one to end this. But then I think....I guess it really doesn't matter who ends it....as long as it ends.

What is most important is that you take this opportunity...not to beat yourself up about what you "should" have done....but to learn and grow from this experience.

The best revenge would be to get the necessary help for yourself and never allow someone like him to invade your mind and soul again.

My thoughts are with you.

Love,
Lolli

October 29, 2005
9:16 am
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snowleopard
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Thank you both so much. I feel so much better having read these replies. Your situations sound so similar and the advice is brilliant. Up until I read them I was having a crap day, doing nothing and thinking about him. What a waste of time. I'm now going to do something with my day.

nvr2late: I know I have to concentrate on myself and my children. They are more relaxed and happy since the split, and there are so many things I DON'T miss that I've lost count!

classof77: you are spot on with how I'm feeling - the grieving what should have been etc... and I'm hoping that in time I'll see this as him doing me the biggest favour ever!!

Thank you.

October 29, 2005
9:27 am
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nvr2late
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Keep a list of the things he did to you and your kids...keep reading it when you miss him!
Kiss your kids, they are the ones that will stay with you and love you more than anyone else will!
It does not matter what he says or does.
You need to take care of yourself!
Stay strong, you don't need it!
🙂

October 29, 2005
9:46 am
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snowleopard
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Lolli

I know I'll never let anyone treat me like this again. Firstly, because I will get stronger and stronger (eventually!) and secondly, if anyone even tries, I'll be very aware of any warning signs.

My ex used to make me feel jealous and it's a horrible thing to do. I would always wonder about other women etc. It's a cruel thing to do to someone you're supposed to love and care about and you don't deserve that.

I know how you feel about being unable to end it. Classof77 was dead right: I'm angry that he used the trump card of ending it when it should have been me. It's not a nice feeling to have.

You say "will I lose him for good". Hope you don't mind me saying this but ask yourself "what will I be losing exactly?"

You sound like you've come a long way already. Make the right decision for YOU. I didn't.

October 29, 2005
9:50 am
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snowleopard
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nvr2late

I will make that list and I will kiss my kids. It's going to be a very long list!!!

October 29, 2005
10:00 am
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lollipop3
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Hi Snow,

I have asked myself that question.

What will I lose?.....my first response, irrational and fear based is....companionship. I will be lonely. What if I never meet "the one"? He is handsome, funny, hard working, outgoing, friendly, always there when I "need" him and can be quite likable. Will a "normal" person accept me?

What will I lose?...my second response, rational and reality based....uncertainty. I am being emotionally abused in this relationship. I do not believe him. I do not trust him. I do not feel (emotionally) safe with him. I do not feel secure with him. He is doing nothing productive to try to change. I cannot be fully myself with him. He is uninterested in anything I do. My sense of humor is wasted on him. Believe it or not...that one really bothers me. I am funny. Most people think I am funny. When I try to be funny with him....it always falls flat. He can't concentrate long enough to even get a joke! Very frustrating.

Intellectually, I know the answer. I just can't seem to get past the FEAR.

Love,
Lolli

October 30, 2005
7:04 am
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nvr2late
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I hope you can make it, I hope I can make it!
It is a hard road to go, but it is the road ahead of us, no sense in hiding your head in the sand!
I had to be at my kids soccer game with my ex yesterday, and when he came up crying to me....I told him to leave me alone, I want nothing from him...."but I MISS you"
I said..."obviously you do not miss me enough to change"
there is nothing more to be said!
Stay Strong!

October 30, 2005
8:42 am
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snowleopard
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Lolli

Here's another one for you!!

Ask yourself: Where do you want to be in six months time/a years time?

(Still feeling uncertain, emotionally abused, jealous etc)

I asked myself this question a couple of years back. I knew the answer but wasn't strong enough. Like you say, intelluctually it's easy - carrying it out is the difficult part. I feel gutted that he's the one that actually took control AGAIN and ended it.

I have to go to work Tuesday and will jump every time the phone rings in case it's him. I changed my home number the other day - at last! I knew it was the right thing to do but it was very difficult too. I feel that I can only really move on when he stops contacting me. If he does phone he'll either be cold and businesslike or nasty. The scary bit for me is that I became dependent on his contact - even when it was horrible and hurtful - in my messed up head I feel like at least he's still thinking about me - how desperate is that?

October 30, 2005
8:51 am
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nvr2late
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that is not desperate! It is normal...of course we want someone to think about us!
when he said he missed me, I felt good!
But he wants a mother, someone he does not have to answer to, I understand that!
Detaching (although I did not know HOW) was the answer for me, not taking his calls not listening to his sobbing!
He made his bed, let him lie in it...
or nothing will change!
Unless they hit bottom, they will never change!
I have to believe that, I cannot wait for the bottom....
I know my kids will be safe with me, and he will be a mess.
Or he won't, and he will be fine.
Either way, we will then realize WE will be fine!
There is no question in my mind or my heart!

October 30, 2005
11:00 am
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lollipop3
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Snow,

Where do I want to be in 6 mos./1 year?

I want to be free. I want to work completely on me. I want to be healthy enough to find a healthy partner. One that I feel safe with. One who will respect me and love me for who I am. I want to find someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with and maybe even have a baby.

I fell into the trap AGAIN with him yesterday. He called. He was so charming and funny and asked if I wanted to go shopping with him. I said yes. We had such a wonderful day. I was actually having a great time. Last night we went to the mall because I have wanted to buy a suit. I tried on a few (and looked fabulous btw) and found one that I really liked. When he asked me if I was going to buy it...I said I wasn't sure if I should right now. He asked why and I said because it costs $250. He replied....."I can't believe how cheap you are." My feelings were immediately hurt and I became enraged. He makes almost $2000 a week. I make $350. He has NEVER helped me financially but has borrowed money from me more times than I can remember. I have paid for more in this relationship than I have EVER paid in any relationship I have ever been in. When I tried to explain to him that he makes a lot more money than me and with my rent, groceries, gas, utilites, credit card bills etc.etc. I cannot afford to spend that money right now. He told me that "he makes that much money because he is not 'lazy'...it's not his fault some people are lazy." Again....I work 42 hours a week and I go to school two nights a week! By the time I this conversation was over I was so frustrated, I was crying. Then he couldn't understand why I was upset. Feinging concern.... Why are you crying....he kept asking. Why are you so upset....do you think that you need medication?

I honestly can't take this anymore. I feel like my heart is breaking inside my chest.

I keep doing this to myself. Every time he is nice, I fool myself into believing that maybe he finally gets it. And then...without fail....he shows me that I was wrong....again.

I wish that I had never met him.

October 30, 2005
11:33 am
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nvr2late
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My favorite is....when my ex does something...he asks me...'are you ok? is there something you need?'
HA!
YES! I need YOU to leave me aLONE!
that is what I say, he still does not get it!
He is trying to throw you off balance...you need to see that!
Saying those things are not necessary..they want control and want to know that you are affected by them!
don't let them see it, it gives them control!
It is their game, their fun...
I am done being HIS entertainment!
Please be strong, know when you see him, that is what is going to happen!
Then make your decision on spending time with him, on that knowledge.
It is all a game....just know when it is not fun for YOU anymore!

October 30, 2005
12:39 pm
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lollipop3
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nvr2late,

Thank you for your response. You are right....and I KNOW that you are right. That is what bothers me so much about this whole situation. I KNOW exactly what is happening. I know what he is doing. I know what I am doing. I just don't how to stop doing it.

I said to my g/f just this morning. If I am going to keep allowing myself to be in this situation.....CAN I AT LEAST LEARN TO STOP TAKING IT PERSONALLY????? CAN I AT LEAST LEARN TO IGNORE HIM AND STOP LETTING HIM HURT MY FEELINGS????? Can I ....huh?

I tell myself over and over...it is not personal. Do not react. But EVERYTIME.... I fall right back into it and react with hurt and anger.

I keep trying to tell myself what my therapist and every book I have read says......this is a process. I cannot rush the process. It will be over when it is over. BUT WHEN IS THAT GOING TO BE OVER?

Oh, and by the way. I am going today to buy that suit. I want it....I worked for it....and I'm going to get it. Not for any other reason than....I DESERVE IT. I will just take the money from my savings that I would have alloted for his Christmas present and buy myself an early one instead.

How's that for being cheap. Buy your own damn Christmas presents.

Love,
Lolli

October 30, 2005
2:27 pm
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classof77
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Snowleopard,
See how much you have grown in such a short time? See how much of your power you have taken back? You came here asking for advice and feeling low. Now you are helping and giving strength, see how that feels. See how life turns around gives us what we need when we need it on our own.
Ladies for a dose of feminine empowerment done in a tongue-in-cheek serious humor may I reccomend heartlessbitches.com. I saw it posted here and I being the dry sense of humor person I am really liked it. See what you think. Find it interesting how women who tend to own their lives are termed heartless bitches.
Lolli, how many of the personal insecurities you are dealing with come from you and how many are instilled in you by your bf? Took me a long time to learn the difference.
Don't get me wrong, I still tend to paint myself into a corner so to speak at times. Think about how I didn't deserve all this..... but then I think about what I do have. It is all good, not perfect but good. I will play by my rules now because it is so much easier to win when you own you.
Someone once told me there two useless emotions, guilt and worry. Guilt is useless because you can't alter the past, worry is useless because you can't predict the future. Easy to say, hard to do, but I think about it from time to time, I like to think it means use now the best way you can. I know you can do it because you are all here and that means you want something better.
The last thing that I had to get past, when my ex remarried, now that would have to give her a special feeling, being someone's fourth wife. But I had this little dark spot of thinking he had found someone perfect and he would treat her the way I always wanted him to treat me. Chewed on that one for awhile, first off, doubt it happened, second, what if it did? Doesn't change anything.
I guess what I am trying to say is, it doesn't matter how you got here, what matters is where you go from here. I hope that makes sense.

October 30, 2005
4:04 pm
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nvr2late
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classof77....
I have read the heartlessbitches...it is great!
I wish we as women could actually think with our heads and not our hearts! It is such a tough thing to do, I don't understand men....they are able to separate feelings from everything!
Would it be better if we could do that too?
We set our own selves up for the hurt! ugh!
Obsess...worry...blah blah blah!
It does get better with time....when my ex says something nice....I think that it is real, I fantasize that I am doing the worse thing for my kids and a 'normal' marriage...
there is nothing normal about what I went through!
and Remarriage is what my concern is too...or even a relationship that is what I always wanted..
I have seen women come and go with him...once they get too close to him. He comes to me!
They don't have the capability for a normal relationship!
Don't let them have any power over you! Don't act jealous, needy or clueless!
you are not, we are strong strong women that can get through this!
The pain and the uncomfortable feelings all go with growing.
We will survive!
Some days I need to have a CD of that and listen to it over and over and over again!

October 31, 2005
8:47 pm
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classof77
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nrv2late,
My personal favorite is Tom Petty, Won't Back Down. I don't know if we should seperate our hearts from our minds. We put our hearts in everything we do. You put your heart in your children everyday, your work and your home. I like to think of it this way, the men we were involved have no heart, I mean real heart. Heart is what makes you give 110 percent when less would do, it is what keeps you strong when things get tough, it is what makes you try again, and what stops you from giving up and putting up with what you know in your "heart" is not right. I think you're right it is the power we give them to invade our mind that sets us up for the hurt.
If there is one thing I could say to every one here who is worrying about what she will do with out some man who isn't treating her right, and beleive me, although I hate to admit it I was the worst at that for so long, it would be own your life. Because when you love your own life, the relationships seem to fall into place. Real strength, and heart are attractive to good men.
I consider myself very fortunate. I make a living doing something I love, my son in spite of all he has gone through is a good man, I have friends, and my peace of mind. I have not forgotten and I don't think we should ever forget because remembering what really was sometimes makes what really is all that much better. Fate has a plan for you, some day what you are looking for in a relationship will find you. Life keeps moving us forward for a reason. Take care.

November 1, 2005
9:10 pm
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nvr2late
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yes, you are right!
I would not want to give up my heart for that lonely life that I can only imagine!
Thank you for reminding me of that!
Sometimes it hurts so much, a heart would sometimes be nice not to have!
🙂
Stay strong, and work on building your own life...words I can live by!

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