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alayan
July 10, 2000
10:50 am
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alayan
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I never used to believe when people when they said that what happens to you in your childhood does come back to haunt you somewhere in your life . i'm living that now ,i'm 21 years old and everyday of my life has become a struggle. i wake up every morning , go to work and the only thing that i look forward to is that at the end of the day , no matter how good or how bad my day has been , i will have my bottle of wine everyday . this has been going on for about two months now . at first it was just to unwind and get to sleep withought thinking about my life , then it became an everyday thing, now i can't even sleep withought alcohol, nobody knows about it (i live alone). i always make sure that i look exceptional good each day at work and i'm sure everyone thinks i have tis amazing good life but they don't know about my secret, i've been lately thinking about being a high class hooker for i figure if my beautiful body and my beautiful face can bring me no love and happines the least it can do is bring me money . i can't kill myself i don't have the guts , so i self distruct instead .
Any suggestions would help

July 10, 2000
1:58 pm
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Frieda
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September 30, 2010
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"The Wounded Heart" or "Cry of the Soul" by Dr. Dan B. Allender

Either will help you feel understood and that you are not alone. You are valuable and precious. Self destruction is just a desperate way to stay numb to some serious damage that continues to hurt even though its buried WAY in there. Numbing is VERY tempting, but those kind of wounds have a way of showing up later anyway.

There are some serious wounds in your heart. Please go see a counselor. Give hope another try...

July 10, 2000
11:17 pm
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Spirit
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Painful childhood memories do not go away if you drink, they only become amplified in their replays. If you had of known me at 21, you would say that is me sitting there trying to drown out the hurt and confusion. Please hug yourself and tell yourself you are a loving being with a spirit which hasn't been hurt, and believe it. Our bodies get hurt, our minds get hurt, but our spirits are something no one can touch, their ours and ours alone. Sometimes they intertwine with other like-spirits, and that is beautiful. You came here and touched on just those kinds of spirits. Now, put down that glass of wine, dry your tears, and give yourself that hug. We spirits will be here, just send a note. Some day you will help one of us, that's the way it works. I bid you a peacefilled sleep, awakening to a new day, and a new way of seeing you...Peace little one.

July 11, 2000
2:48 am
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Iris
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Seems to me that you lack intimate relationships, is this true? Do you have friends? Where are your family members? Where you were living before?

I am sorry to ask many questions, but answers to such questions may shed some light to circumstances that you choose to respond to by killing yourself. Yes you are killing yourself. Tell us something about your childhood and how you feel about it. What you were doing, after work, before addicted to alcohol?

You may need to ask yourself :"What do I really want from life? What are my goals?" Then you will be able to search for ways to fullfill these goals; and,if necessery, to learn skills that help you achieve these goals.

You can do all this HERE, on this website of course,or to seek a professional help. You seem willing and you began your first step. Good Luck.

July 11, 2000
10:52 am
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Cici
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Substance abuse is an escape. I think everyone has their way of escaping reality, just some ways are healthier than others.

In my opinon, acohol, for those who are prone to addicitve behaviors, can be a gateway drug. I was an alcoholic before I was a drug addict.

The thing is that no one can tell you what to do or how to get out of it. regardless of alcoholics anonymous or counseling. The initial impulse still has to be there from inside of you.

The first step is to recognize that you have a problem. The next step is to try and understand why. And it doesn't take a therapist to do that. All a therapist does is show you where you currently are (so to speak) and try to evaluate where you want to be, and tehn they try to lead you ot the place you want to be.

I'm not knocking therapists. I've seen three different ones. But the impulse to change your way of life has to come from you.

I've often tried to analyze the mind of the addict, being that I was one myself and I still display addictive behaviors. Addicts tend to have somehow missed a developmental step and lack the adequate coping skills to deal with reality. They tend to put up masks so that no one can see them, and emmerse themsleves in a mind-altering substance to rid themselves of the threads of reality that cling to them.

The key to recovery is having a support system. People who love you or who know what you're going through. And they are the key to staying sober.

July 11, 2000
6:17 pm
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heartfelt
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The beginning of change, recovery from unhealthy living is nothing more than the WILLINGNESS to begin. The rest will follow as one grows to have the knowing in their hearts that a life with forward movement is a life of loving kindness....may you not suffer , may you be at peace.

July 12, 2000
4:40 am
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alayan
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i think the thing that affected me the most is that at my previous place there were five of us girls sharing the house until my cousin and i decided to move in together. as soon as we moved in she was spending all her time with her boyfriend, they live together now. i have never had a problem with my own company , in fact i marveled at the thought of living alone, i've always been a very independant that's why i just don't understand the change. i don't have any brothers and sisters , i'm the only child i have never been close to my mom or dad at least my mom and i trying at the relationship now but my dad treats me like i don't exist.i've always considered myself strong after all i have dealt with everything by myself , things i don't think i'm supposed to have dealt with at such an age . it's rather hard to talk about your sad life with happy people so i don't talk.

July 12, 2000
6:31 am
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heartfelt
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alayan..seeking outside ourselfs through people places, things in order to feel good is one of the most common traits of a need to look within. Our sense of self needs to be looked at. Our self worth will not come from others, rather a need to find those areas inside that need self love...seek and you will find where to begin.....

July 12, 2000
7:55 am
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alayan
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heartfelt

i hear what you are saying and i do believe it's true it's just that it's easier said than done. it is all well and good to advise someone else i have done so before but to actually do it myself is something else . for one thing i will have to start thinking about all those things i don't want to think about, the same old things that drive me to drink , Heartfelt would you believe me if i told you that i also have no idea what they are except that i just feel this amazing void in my heart , this horrid pain that i just can't explain.i am a very religious person but i tell you that now even prayer can bring no solace to me .

July 12, 2000
10:05 am
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Cici
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There is a difference between looking and examining. The former describes a cursory examniation. The latter involves dredging up painful recollections.

When I was in high school, and I told my mother that I had been raped she gave me a book to read. It's called "Man's Search for Meaning" by viktor Frankl. Everyone else has already heard me sing it's praises. It helped me after I was raped again at 19, it helped me during my recovery from drug abuse when my family had already written me off.

It was written by a psychologist who lived for over six years in a Jewish internment camp during WW II. After reading it I realized that htis man had incredible insight. He had suffered horribly, starved down to skin and bones. He had lost his entire family, yet he never lost hope. He was never bitter at the Nazis and Germans during his lifetime.

He said that regardless of what you have, be it relationships or material goods, the only thing you truely own is the attitude which you take in any given set of circumstances. You can either allow yourself to be debilitated by negative emotions, or you can take hold of yourself and become stronger. It is always your choice, and yours alone.

July 12, 2000
6:39 pm
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Alayan.yes I believe you for I know what it's like.....little tiny steps forward, be easy but determined for the only way out is through. No it's no fun thinking about all those things, the trick is to talk about all those things..begin to purge them, when you do, I believe at a point in time you'll smile.....you have support and alot of it....

July 12, 2000
8:50 pm
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Spirit
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Alayan: What you are feeling is a sense of love never felt. I know this feeling well, it was a major part of me in my late teens, early twenties. I can tell you, there is some very solid advice here for you, and that all this will become the past. What is tough is getting from now here to now there. Be strong and love you for being you. As things come into focus, share them here if you feel comfortable. You always have unseen friends here. Peace to you, Little One...

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