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After 7 Months NC, saw the ex-N....
October 23, 2006
8:58 am
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feelingfree
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Hi All,

A little background.. had a 3 year on-again/off-again (mostly OFF) relationship with N.. last time I saw him was March and I have maintained 7 mnths NC. Accidentally got pregnant by him.. told him I was (via vm, since he was giving me the silent treatment at the time) and never heard from him again. I did not go thru with the pregnancy, and with the support/love of friends and family, I eventually got thru the pain and have moved on. In the process, I have re-established my relationship with my ex-H, and we have been very happy for months.

Saturday night we were at a bar that we frequent.. and after about 2 hours, I noticed ex-N sitting right smack in front of my line of vision. Took me a few seconds to figure out if it was "really him" and unfortunately it was. And he was even sitting with a woman. Not sure if he came in with her or just struck up conversation. Either way, that did not bother me either, which REALLY surprised me.

I can honestly say, seeing him did not trigger any type of emotion in me. I felt nothing. I was able to continue my evening, have a good time, and focus on my time.

It wasn't until I left, and the next day, that I found myself becoming anxious and irritated. The reasons being-
1) he knows my car. It is one of a kind. He saw it, and came in anyway. Part of me thinks he did it to show me he was with a woman.
2) why, after all this time, would he still want to push my buttons?
3) shouldn't he be too ashamed to want to see me, even in a public place?

It took me all day to pinpoint what my issue was.. and the bottom line is.. after everything he put me thru.. when is enough ENOUGH? Wouldn't he think- there's her car.. I don't need to go in there.. just out of respect? But then again- why would I ever think he would 'respect' me? He never DID.. why would he now?

Just had to get it out of my system.. had to share with you all. I don't think I'll ever stop hating him. I know that is wrong, but it's just the way I feel. He is just plain evil.

October 23, 2006
9:05 am
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StronginHim77
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Yes. He is evil. Utterly devoid of a conscience. He would not feel any shame for what he did to you because he lives in a constant pursuit of maintaining his own illusion of being perfect. He cannot come out of that "role" and accept responsibility for wounding another person. That would shatter the illusion. So, he remains in denial and is (literally) clueless that he has harmed another person.

Try to stop hating him. Do try. Hate will only turn inward on your own health and heart. He is not worth hating. He is MENTALLY ILL. You hate the dark thing that grips his mind and warps him...not the man, himself.

I understand how you feel. I pray you will not run into him again for a long, long time. He is to be pitied. He is only "half" human.

- Ma Strong

October 23, 2006
9:45 am
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lovinglife
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damn - I knew it was going to be you...haven't read it yet but when I seen the title... I thought FF.

October 23, 2006
9:58 am
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lovinglife
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WHEW - thought the two of you met up intentionally...I can relax now.

Good to hear from you. Think it was last week I put out a call to you as we hadn't touched base for so long.

Gosh even after 7 months NC feelings can still get all worked up within??? Ouch. And as always, Ma Strong says it best.

Again it is great to hear from and sounds like you and FL are doing great...just so thankful that it's not exN in the picture but only a run in.

I just got home from work - heading to bed for a few hours...just wanted to say a quick hi and get my heart to stop from pounding : )

October 23, 2006
9:58 am
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feelingfree
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Ma Strong~ thank you.. as usual you are right on the mark, and your words touched my heart.

How are you? I haven't been posting/reading much lately.. work has been insane.. Hope you are doing very well..

Have a quick question for you.. funny because I know you will relate to this one very much.

This place that I saw the ex-N at.. it is one of my favorite places to go. We've made acquaintances.. and know the bartenders.. and always feel 'at home' there. Part of me wants to stop going there to avoid the ex-N altogether. Another part thinks if I do that.. never go there again.. he will think "oh, I must have really gotten to her.."
And yet ANOTHER part of me is angry with myself for even caring one bit WHAT he thinks?

Thoughts?

October 23, 2006
10:13 am
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startingover
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Hi Feelingfree. I haven't written to you often, but have read your posts, I am so glad you are where you are at 7 months NO contact. I am at 10 months, and had a first encounter, too, last week, although I just pulled up directly behind my ex in my car and he didn't see me (or acted that way, anyway). What a weird and releasing feeling - to have encountered the cause of all this heart-wrenching grief and just be able to shrug it off.

Your (encounter of the most unpleasant kind) was different, you had face-to-face contact for a while, but no conversation right? Were you with a friend, your ex-h?

If you like that bar, I would go there but with a friend, ideally a male one. I wouldn't go out of my way to avoid him. You probably figured you would run into him eventually, somewhere, did you wonder what you would do? Run out crying, cuss him out? I think I could be friendly, but very briefly, I have even practiced what I would say if we must talk. You may want to think of a one-liner and practice it, too. Of course, you may not need to, I don't think quickly when stressed, and don't want to encourage anything. You know they always eventually want to come back, which I think is all a part of the game-playing and coldness, anyway.

Like Strong advised, my wish for you is that you can quit hating him. It's very hard, I have my hate moments, too. I think hate is a tie that binds, though, and I don't want that, for me or you. Be rid of him, he's not worth YOU.

Take care

SO

October 23, 2006
10:52 am
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feelingfree
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Startingover,

Thank you 🙂 Sounds like we have something very BIG in common.. a very long period of NC!

You said it best: What a weird and releasing feeling - to have encountered the cause of all this heart-wrenching grief and just be able to shrug it off.

I really was shocked at my lack of emotion during it. And yes, I was able to shrug if off initially- and it was a wonderful releasing feeling.. because I always dreaded the day of seeing him and wasn't sure how I would react-- most especially if he was with another woman.

I had only run into him one other time. It was only 3 weeks after the procedure- so I was incredibly RAW with emotion. Same place.. same circumstances.. I was with ex-H (who I was leaning incredibly hard on at the time). That time I TMed him right then and there, saying that it was "too bad he was still alive" and wrote that he was a loser. Stupid and immature.. but like I said.. I was raw. That was my last 'contact' with him. Those were my final words.

I will be honest- I always wanted a second opportunity to correct that mistake.
I had always wished I would have just ignored him instead. This time, that's just what I did. And that felt sooo much better.

Yes, I was with Ex-H. I am very much in love with him.. and it shows. I'm sure if ex-N looked over at any time, he would see it. But I'm sure he was careful not to. He was too busy trying to pretend that the girl he was with was the most interesting person on the planet. LOL It was rather comical. He turned his seat (even tho it was a swivel stool) to face her.. and would LEAN his ear towards her. I thought to myself.. talk while you can, honey, because once he 'gets ya', it will be all about HIM HIM HIM..and you won't get another turn. LOLOL

Thank you for your advice.. I AM going to go back when I'm ready.. maybe not for a few weeks tho. And yes, I will always be with my ex-H- or FL (first love) and Lovinglife tells me to refer to him now 🙂

CONGRATS ON 10 MONTHS NC! I am interested in hearing your story if you don't mind sharing.. and will apologize up front if you've shared already and I've missed it.

October 23, 2006
11:00 am
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Matteo
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feelingfree ~ maybe I’m going to argue here over semantics, but do you really hate him? Are you sure that what you feel is hatred not despise and disgust? Hatred is very close to love, and we can hate only someone who we feel is our equal. Is he really your equal? Is he able to offer in a relationship what you are able to offer? You are giving him a lot of power by hating him, but are you sure you really do hate him? A while ago there was a thread here titled “Forgiveness – who’s job is it anyway”; it is not about hatred per se but reading it might be helpful to you. Take care.

October 23, 2006
11:25 am
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feelingfree
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Good point, Matteo..

In all honesty, I don't "hate" him.
Dislike? Nope.. its stronger than that. You know what? I 'hate' what he did to me. All of it. And no- he is not my equal. I don't know Matteo.. this is a tough one. Can't label the feeling. But I do know this. I'm not ready to forgive nor do I ever think I'll be able to.. unless of course, he would apologize. But, I'm pretty sure he&& would freeze over first 🙂

I will check out that Forgiveness thread, thanks 🙂

October 23, 2006
11:29 am
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feelingfree
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LL~

Good to hear from you GF! I have to be honest- I thought maybe you were growing tired of my posts. I started to over-analyze.. thinking did I say this wrong/do that wrong.. am I coming across badly when I post.. so I just stopped and took a breather and gave it some time.

No worries about me ever setting up a meeting with ex-N.. 🙂 FL and I are doing better than ever.. I am amazed all these months have gone by and all is well. No complaints and he is still clean/sober. I feel truly blessed. Funny how in 3 years my life took a complete 360. Separate/Divorce/Ex-N disaster/Back together. And now I feel married again.. but its not so bad 🙂

How are YOU?

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