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After 4 yrs: To contact her or not?
January 23, 2005
8:56 am
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fishstock
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I just happened across this site when I searched the term "contacting ex-girlfriend".
The reason I searched this is for over 4 years, regardless of relationships I may be in, I think of my ex-girlfreind daily. She was a beautiful, sexy, funny, kind girl that may have been a little too young for me, perhaps not just in years. After a 4 rocky 4 year relatiosnhip, she asked me if we were every going to get married. Shortly thereafter we had our last break up on Thanksgiving eve.
After 3 months I reached out to her wanting to get back together and she told me she was already involved! At the time I felt that that was what I needed to hear because I felt deep inside that if we did go back, I would only want to break up again soon after.

Anyway, I got over the pain of the relationship and didnt date for over 1 year.

I've been in a 5 year relationship since with a woman who was my ex's opposite. A brillian, successful woman who does a great job at important things. However the somple things like being sexy, embracing lovemaking, being careless at times, being imperfect, is difficult for her. But, I guess the worst thing is that she has NO sexual desire! We've discussed this, gone to therapy, I've threatened to leave but nothing changes this laving me very frustrated but otherwise fulfilled.

With my ex, sexuality is one of the few ways that we could relate and it was soooo good, right up until the last time.

I miss that, I miss the way she looks, the way she carries herself, the way she alsways made sure that she looked good. I miss the things that made me break up with her.

So, onoe year after that break up, she emailed me and ultimately, I asked her not to contact me. I was not ready.

I think of her everday since and I come so close to emailing her that I know feel that I am at a boiling point and I want to reach email her and see if she'll talk to me.

What do you think? Am I nuts? Is this something that I will have to do in order to move forward in any direction? Do I want to be back with her?

January 23, 2005
11:15 am
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eve
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Whatever you decide to do with your ex girlfriend - I think it wouldn't be good to make contact now, when you are in a steady relationship that is sexually unfulfilling. You need to decide what you want to do with the present relationship before you move on to somebody else, even if this somebody else is your ex.

If you contact her now, can you be sure that it is about her and you, and not just about you being horny?

January 23, 2005
12:38 pm
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SweetAmanda
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fishstock,

I agree with eve. Do not try to contact your ex while you are involved with someone. There is no reason to.

Sure, the relationship you are in right now may not be the one for you (it sure sounds like it's not)... but maybe your ex isn't the one for you either.

Maybe you need to be free and find someone new altogether?

Find out what is most important to you.

Why did you leave the 1st relationship? What did you like about the 1st? Write it down.

What do you like about this current relationship? What do you not like about this current relationship? Write all that down as well.

Then you will be able to make up a list of what you need in a woman.

I wish you well.

~Amanda~

ps) Welcome to this site! I hope you are able to give and receive encouragement and support here. Everyone is really nice! =)

January 23, 2005
1:00 pm
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fishstock
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This is good feedback (although not necessarily what I want to hear...), it certainly makes sense. My curent girlfriend and I will be visiting her threapist to discuss out problem. I hope this makes a difference although I must say I am not very hopeful since she has been seeing the therapist for about 8 months and not much has changed as far as the her sexuality goes. Can you believe, a woman who has never set foot in a Victorias Secret!

Anyway, thanks again for the feedback.

January 23, 2005
9:34 pm
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SweetAmanda
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fishstock,

I have never been in a Victoria's Secret Store either!

May I ask you a question? What exactly are the (bedroom) expectations you have of your current girl?

What do you need to turn you on?

She may be aroused by different things than you.

Or, it could be issues related to her (or even your) childhood; the way sex was/is viewed.

Maybe she feels that you are putting too much pressure on this? The more pressure I feel, the worse I perform. Not just sexually, but in ALL situations this is true. (For me, maybe for her too?)

Are you being very sensitive about this issue with her?

Put yourself in her shoes: What if she said that you didn't fulfill her sexually, you didn't please her… She wanted you to go see a professional about it... How would you feel?

I'm not saying that you haven't done the right thing, because I don't know how you have gone about all of this. I'm just giving you ideas so you can maybe try some things.

Sex should be fun... (And filled with Love!) BUT sex is NOT the same with every person that you are with. It's as unique as one’s soul.

You have to work with what you two have, love her for what she is... Why did you love her in the first place? Then things *should* fall into place.

But whatever you do: DO NOT CONTACT THAT EX! LOL BAD IDEA!

~Amanda~

January 24, 2005
6:31 pm
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AngelBaby
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I don't know what everyone else has told you so if I contridict some advice you have already took from some one else. If you think about her that much then you should first contact her see if she is willing to be friends and then slowly work back it to a relationship(if she wants to too.) If not just stay friends because I have learned that if you miss them that much that they are always on your mind then you are probly in love with them. And if you are in love with them, then it is alot better to be friends of some kind then not to have them at all. Because when you miss them that much it will start to interfer with other aspects in your life. And if you do have them some where in your life then you are less likely to miss them as much. And you will be able to get along better.

P.S.~ No I am not a counslor but friends tell me I should be so please do not confuse me with one.

January 25, 2005
8:33 am
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fishstock
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I just want to say.. THIS PLACE IS GREAT! I have received very "sober" and "safe" feedback from everyone.

As far as what Amanda said, I agree with you. This must be very difficult for her to accept. I do not feel good about complaining to her about this stuff but, if it were up to her, we may never have sex. I tried this theory about 1 year ago when I decided that I was not going to mention how dissappointed I was at her disinterest in sex. I waited for over 1 month and NOTHING HAPPENED. She said nothing, did nothing and made like sexuality did not exist. This infuriateed me and after the 5 weeks were up I let her know exactly how I felt about the whole thing. After that she started going to counceling. Almost a year has gone by and still nothing. We nly have sex now so that I wont get upset. This does not make me feel real good.

I am a good looking guy, funny, loving, warm, understanding and successful. However, I need to be loved. This has been a real rollercoaster where after a week or 2 have gone by, I start to get angry and fel I need to leave her. She is now able to pick up on this and then becomes "artificially" sexual and then I simmer down. This happens over and over again but in the overall picture, I am dissatisfied.

We will now be trying couples therapy and see what we can accomplish.

January 25, 2005
7:59 pm
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brendalee
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Here's a thought: Could your current g/f possibly be picking up on your constant thoughts of the last g/f all of the time and that you are comparing her to her? Do you talk about your last girlfriend with her? If so, I could see why she's wouldn't be interested sexually. Sounds to me like you are still really hung up on the last g/f. Maybe you need some closure with her in order to move on. Maybe you ought to get real down and dirty and honest with yourself and ask yourself.......what is it I really REALLY want?????? Brenda

January 26, 2005
10:14 am
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fishstock
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It just seems pretty pathetic that when I was with my ex, (5 years ago!), I just wanted out. She was evertything I wanted as far as how she looked, she was nice but VERY insecure in spite of how pretty she was and she was good with my daughter. However, it was difficult/impossible to be intimate with her on an emotional, spiritual and mental level.
This is why I ended it.

Then 1 year later, I got what I thought I always wanted.. I smart girl, secure, independent and failry good-looking but NO sexuality! life is cruel.

I should also mention that I am a recovering sex addict. Generally, I dont make the best decisions around relationships. Perhaps its only sexually that I miss my ex but I'm not 100% sure of that.

I still dont know if I should contact her...Its probably not the right thing to do since I am in this current relationship however the reason the issue came up is cause I cant seem to let go of it.

There isnt a day goes by that I dont think of my ex and that was 5 years ago. I have searched her name on the internet, sometimes to the point of obsession. I'm not proud of that but, I have yet to omake contact because of my fears of whther its the right thing, if she'll reject me (I wouldnt blame her since I broke up with her and a year later she contacted me and I told her not to contact me), fear that she will accept my contact and that things will get complicated.

My feelings tell me that if she progessed personally even a little bit, I would marry her. But those are just my thoughts...

Meanwhile my current girlfriend wants to get married... her therapist thinks that may be partially why she has lost sexually. I frankly dont feel comfrtable marrying someone in the hopes that that will change things and make it better...

Anyway, if you've read this far, thanks for listening!!!

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