Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
afraid
July 29, 2005
11:09 am
Avatar
grangergirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This is my first time here. I feel I have no one to openly talk to. My life is a mess!! I feel like I know what I need to do, for myself, but maybe I'm being judgemental, scared, codependent? I just don't know. I live with my boyfriend. He smokes pot. When he can get it, 2 joints a day and more on weekends. He's been smoking pot for over 30 years. He says he's not addicted. It just relaxes him. Now that's he's moved away from his regular pot contact, he's ran out. First he planted a few seeds in the yard. Now he's talking about growing a couple of plants in the house. I feel that if he loved me, he wouldn't put me in the danger of possibly being arrested for something he knows is illegal. He says I worry way too much. No one will know if I just keep my mouth shut. I've loved this man for over 30 years. We dated at 17 and just recently got back together after all that time. I still love him. The good times are great, the bad times are miserable. I tell myself and him, he's too good of a person for pot. He makes me laugh. He's tender hearted. I'm happy, I'm miserable, I feel like a stupid love sick teenager, I want to wait to see if things get better, I feel I should leave but I'm afraid he won't come after me. Is there anyone here who's been this screwed up before? I need someone who understands how I'm feeling, someone who understands that I know I should probably leave but can't bear to think about losing him again and at the same time can't imagine living with him the way things are now. Help?

July 29, 2005
11:36 am
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

wow, this is a touchy subject. There are so many people out there who think pot is "ok" and others who detest it....being illegal, and being a drug, i myself, don't like the stuff and can't see how people can be hooked on the stuff...it stinks!

You may get many reactions about pot on this site. First off, it bothers you, and that is ok, you have every right to feel the way you do, the only big problem is your bf thinks there is nothing wrong with it and won't quit...the more you put up with behavior you dis approve of the more he will smoke it, and plant it in the house, etc...i think someday, you will resent him so much, or be very unhappy.

Again, we cannot change others, its up to you to decide if you want to put up with his "pot" issues.

You may want to ask yourself what makes YOU happy, and if being involved with a pot head isn't on your list, your best bet would be to get rid of him. And yes, you will be alone, but i bet you will be happy,
you wont resent him, etc...there are soooo many other people out there who do not smoke pot.

This is about you and your choices and what you are willing to put up with. Thinking of not being with him may bother you, feel like your world is crumbling, but that is part of life's lessons with breakups...more importantly be true to yourself, and honest with yourself and never settle for anything less.

Good luck!

July 29, 2005
11:56 am
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ditto Camer!!!

~Love, RAS~

July 29, 2005
1:31 pm
Avatar
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

what I am hearing you say is that you feel pulled in two directions : stay (heart?) or go (head?)- and ... that you feel unable to cut the rope (make up your mind) or somehow come to a solution.

You already know what would be the wisest thing to do ("I should probably leave") but are more or less unwilling to accept this "truth" or reality.

He illegally intends to grow pot in the house which might get both of you arrested. He feels you're overreacting or blowing things out of proportion whenever you object to his plan to become a self-sufficient supplier of pot.

Even though I understand your inner conflict ("stay or go"), I do feel as if you're looking for some kind of outside "approval" or "permission" that will give you a reason or justification to tell yourself it's allright and to just go ahead in spite of your inner knowledge.

In my opinion, he's acting irresponsible by not actively taking your mutual interests at heart - the relationship ("us") probably not being his first priority - because the "pot-growing" incident tells you that his needs are more important than yours (and those of your relationship).

I do think it would be wise to talk to him again about his plans to grow pot in the house and state clearly what is acceptable for you and what isn't. If he's unwilling to compromise (grow his pot somewhere else?), ask yourself if he's really committed to this relationship and ... to you.

Maybe you are just too good of a person for him ..........

I am sure nobody on this board wants to keep you from taking some extra time to unravel this "knot" (inner conflicts) within you - so I'd say: take the time you believe is necessary to conduct some further self-examination (give yourself some room to explore and to observe your situation) but - be sure to keep an inner focus, an eye on yourself, as much as possible so that you'll be able to recognize and acknowledge whatever inner turmoil ("issue") prevents or inhibits you to choose (solely) for yourself should circumstances require this of you (what is it you're afraid of?).

~ live strong ~

July 29, 2005
1:36 pm
Avatar
kathygy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You say at times you feel miserable. That is very significant and not to be ignored. What is the cause of the misery? Is it about his pot smoking or other issues? His ignoring your feelings and concerns about being arrested for having pot in the house is not about love. But rather he gives the pot priority over you and your feelings even though he says he's not addicted he's acting like an addict. An addict always chooses the drug of his choice over the people he loves unless they go for help. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend thinks he has a problem so I doubt he'll change. You have no control over him. But you have choices about taking care of yourself. It sounds like you are paying too high of a price to remain in this relationship. If you leave and he dosen't come after you that says a lot about his addiction and lets you know that it wasn't worth staying. I wouldn't want to take the risk of being arrested for one thing nor would I want to live with someone who smokes pot everyday. Its very hard to have a healthy relationship with someone constantly under the influence of a substance. Do your self a favor and move out. It may cause pain at first but in the end you will feel relief and peace of mind that you are not dealing with this man and his issues anymore.

love,
kathy

July 29, 2005
1:57 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

grangergirl:

I know where you are. In fact, I just had this same talk w/ my son's fiance yesterday when she left him because of the affect the pot smoking has on him, their finances, etc. etc.

I think first I will tell you what my husband has told me. He too a pot smoker. I think clean for 1 year this month, but I have no way of knowing and our 13 years of marriage has been based on lies, so what is there to believe. Sorry, got ahead of myself. Here is what HE, a pot smoker, has to say about it.

"They say it is not addictive. It is. He says you smoke the pot, it numbs your senses and the pain and chaos of the real world go away. Then you do the same again, and again, and again... could be in a day, a week, who knows. Then each time the pain of the real world whooshes in on you then you smoke another... so it becomes more often. So, now you are NOT dealing w/ the real world because you have somewhere to hide. Ok, so he stays home from work a day just to relax and unwind, doesn't he deserve a day off? But, then there is another day and another day off work. Oh, forgot you have to pay for the stuff. It's not much money, just a little. But then the more you smoke it the more you must buy. That takes money, but you are not working every dya now, but hey, you need the pot to help you deal w/ the day. Oops, the bills are not getting paid coz the money is getting spent. Of course by now you and your significant other are figting all the time and she/he has no clue what's goin on w/ you. Finally it clicks. so now.....

My perspective is.... now what do I do? The bills are not bein paid, he's not working and I'm so tired after working and doing everything here. If he cared about me he'd stop. But he loves me and I know he does; no doubts. I cannot trust him, but I cannot stop him. He says he's gonna quit, he's gonna work more, he's gonna, gonna, gonna... and all the while YOU are the nag and smokin pot is not addictive. If it is not then why can I not trust you, why can you not work, why has our whole marriage been based on a lie. I do love him w/ all my heart, but I cannot live like this.

grangergirl..... Is that what you are looking for? This is MY life; 13 years of it. I told my son's fiance that she should leave my own son if he was not gonna straighten up and stop the pot smokint. She's working 2 jobs, taking care of everything and he's off partying w/ his friends. End result... It's a very hard row to hoe and you truly do not want to go down this path. There is nothing but feelings of sadness, mistrust, self-doubt coz maybe you are the wrong one. NOT.

Honey, read what I wrote... Read what you wrote. Then sit back and weigh the pros and cons and make your decision.

August 1, 2005
5:43 pm
Avatar
grangergirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks to everyone! First just for being there to listen without judging. Thanks too for your input, advice, and understanding. I know about addictions and addicts. My former brother-in-law had serious problems with cocaine, heroin, you name it, for years. When a person is addicted, the next fix is all they're living for. Not food, family, nothing but "the drug". I just kept telling myself that pot wasn't like those. It's like you said, it's a touchy subject. A lot of people think it's okay, him being one of them. If it was legal and he smoked one "only" to relax "a little", I could live with it. Like drinking one beer to relax instead of 5 to pass out. I grew up with 2 grandfathers and 2 uncles who were alchoholics, then married a man who didn't drink, but his dad was also an alcoholic. I don't want to live in that misery. He works hard, pays the bills, etc. But all it takes is one random drug test at work and it's all over. Maybe they'd offer him rehab, but he's so stubborn, who knows if he'd take it. I know the only person I can control is me. It's a hard, but very obvious decision I have to make. When you're an addict, drugs come first above everything else, including yourself and including me. For right now, I'm going to stay. If anything comes into the house to grow his own pot supply, I feel he leaves me no other choice than to leave, for my own protection. Thanks to all of you again. I'm looking for a CODA meetings close by to attend. If they're anything like talking to you guys, I can't wait to get there. Do any of you go to CODA? What do you think about it? Love you all, grangergirl

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
27
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110929
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38539
Posts: 714213
Newest Members:
stanley, LarteyWellnessGroup, dr ado spell caster, Leslie Ann Satin, overmyhead201, delight1080
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer