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afraid of hurting others feelings
November 3, 2004
10:45 pm
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CAMER
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Hi Everyone, i just started dating a nice man about 3 mos. ago, things started off good, we both agreed to take things slow and see eachother maybe 1-2 times per week.
Just to let you know he only had 2 gf's in his life...and hasn't dated in 3+ years...anyways...I have been working at my
job alot lately, I am new to this dating thing (after being alone/no dates for almost 2 years) , the man is nice, sweet, kind, no addictions, and treats me good..I just feel pressured into seeing him, he really doesn't do much for his spare time...he works all day, goes home and watches TV and falls asleep to the TV. And he even tells me
that he is bored alot. I think getting involved with him, its bringing new things to his life, and he likes it..I sometimes feel like I am the one to bring up ideas on things to do. I myself, work, walk my dogs, do projects around the house, shop, go to my coda meetings weekly, go to this site daily, hang out with friends, and family..etc...He on the other hand, doesn't hang out with friends, maybe visits his mom
1-2 times per week. What I am getting at is I don't know if he is too BORING for me, he
thrives on when he knows he will see me, talks alot about being bored, he knows I work late at my job.....but now I need some me time during the week, and I don't think he will be able to understand this. I don't want to see him every Fri, Sat & Sun....I want at LEAST one of these nites to myself....he on the other hand says he can't wait to see me on Friday, even after I tell him I am working late...I just feel like I am going to break his heart, I myself, had many relationships in my life, and he only had 2. How do I go about it in a nice way of telling him I need my space, without him taking it "personally" and getting his feelings hurt. I guess maybe cuz we rushed into things recently and now with work and all, I don't have time to date 2-3 times a week and have balance with other things in my life.

Thanks for any help!!! love, Camer

November 3, 2004
10:53 pm
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southgoingzax
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Hey Camer!

I'm sorry things aren't going so well...He sounds like a sweet guy, but yes, a little dull...Can you compromise? Like tell him HE has to come up with an activity for you guys to do WHEN you see him, so that some of the pressure is off? It doesn't sound like he has a whole lot else in his life. Or maybe you could do like a hat, with activities in it, and you have to pick and do one each week...Maybe then he would find something he really liked to do, and could do it by himself the one weekend day you want to yourself...

I mean ultimately, you have to be happy, and if you aren't, the best thing is just to be honest and tell him the truth. It may hurt his feelings, but that is what the risk is when you decide to get involved with someone - sometimes it can't be helped.

November 3, 2004
10:58 pm
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CAMER
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thanks Zax...yes, he is a lil dull..i hate to admit it, I just wish that when I was busy doing my stuff, he could do something, a sport a hobby, anything...its always him just "watching TV". I did good last weekend, I went to my Mom and Dads house to visit them, haven't seen them all month, and told him this, and even stayed over...all he kept telling me was how "bored" he was, kinda like hinting for me to ask him to go with me to my parents...but I didn't,....so I do know I have strength, it just seems like the longer this goes on, the more I feel like I am rescuing him from his "boredom"...I have to make a promise to you all, cuz this Friday I cannot see him, working late...and he told me he will wait for me and see me Friday after work....AAAAAhhh NO!!! its not going to happen, and I have to tell him this!!! and I will do this, and tell him that we need to cut back on the pressure of seeing eachother, this is new only 3 months, and I don't want the pressure, its bad enough that I get it at work, but not at home life either.

Hey Zax, thanks for the input!!!
love, camer

November 3, 2004
11:05 pm
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southgoingzax
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Can you just tell him the truth? NIcely, of course. That you are concerned because he seems to depend on you too much to bring excitement to his life? That you would really like him to pick up a hobby, so that you don't feel like you have to carry this whole relationship? That seems like a pretty good way to bring it to his attention.

November 3, 2004
11:09 pm
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bubishi76
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Camer,
Honey, I'm dealing wih this right now but from his end. I mean, I used to do a whole lot of stuff. Still do alot of stuff at home. However, you need to ask yourself if you are like a steady thing. You know, I think when you get involved that you do become a set date. Not saying that you don't need your space. Believe me, I'm really learning that the hard way. You set a few boundaries from the beginning in not seeing him every day. That was a start because you don't just go from being one way to being another in a heartbeat. As far as being dull, maybe he jsut is in a comfort zone. I mean, everyone gets into a rut from one time to another. You encourage and help him out of that rut. GIve him a little something to live for, ya know. This is where priorities come in. I've always heard that if something is important to you, you make time. You jsut need to evaluate your priorities and see how he fits in your life. Just don't jump the un and throw a good thing away because he is different from you. Talk to him and let him know how you feel. You can do it without it seeming like rejection.

November 3, 2004
11:09 pm
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CAMER
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gotcha Zax...good idea...and I am going to talk with him by this Friday...just to let him know that I can't see him till Saturday anyways....(gosh, i dont' want to start holding resentments towards him for not doing much in his life)..but thats how i feel!!!

November 3, 2004
11:16 pm
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thanks Bubishi, yes, I am going to talk with him by Friday, and just come out with my feelings and all, see he is such a nice guy!! doesnt get into trouble, or hang out at bars, or hang out with trouble makers, he is just a nice guy, a quiet guy. I guess, I am just dealing with alot of the negative thoughts, and don't want to push him out the door, I just need to "balance" my life, and if he can deal with that then fine.

Thanks again Bubushi, and I truely hope you are holding up ok with all that is going on with Deb....my thoughts and prayers are with you.

November 3, 2004
11:16 pm
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art angel
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Camer,

good luck with telling him! I feel for ya, I couldn't handle dating someone who only watched TV.

thanks for your response to my post, too.

hugs,

art angel

November 4, 2004
12:10 am
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sdesigns
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Hi Camer: Have you and he agreed to date exclusively? It sounds like he is starting to revolve his life around you and could be needy. It seems that he is looking to you to provide his entertainment and spice up his life (and I'm sure you do!) but like you say, you having to come up with the ideas always can be a strain. And if you're working a lot you're entitled to some down time. Sounds a little like role reversal if you have to be the one to come up with ideas of activities too. If he's trying to impress you, he's not doing a good job of it. Seems like he could come up with something. At least he's not suggesting you sit home and watch TV all the time. Maybe you want a little more excitement? Maybe you don't want to make all of the decisions? Maybe you want someone more adventurous? Although it is flattering that he's giving you so much attention, but maybe too much? Just my thoughts of course. SD

November 4, 2004
12:28 am
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mamacinnamon
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If he can't come up w/ anything to do could you maybe take some of the stress of having so much to do and give him a project or two like walk the dogs for you. Maybe he just doesn't know how to be useful or how to entertain himself. Maybe come up w/ a project he can do for you, but to do on his own. Build a shelf; gardening; heck I don't know. Just thoughts.

November 4, 2004
12:29 am
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mamacinnamon
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Oh, if there is volunteer things he can do in the area try having him volunteer some time. That almost always gets people out of their shell and makes them feel useful. He'll also be around other folks then. Just another quick thought.

November 4, 2004
7:04 am
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CAMER
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sdesigns & Mama..thanks so much!!!and I know I cannot change him...i just wish he had more of a life and hobbies....I myself am not a TV person, just sometimes...and yes, he does walk my dogs with me, which is good....aaaaaaaaahhhhh, i am going to just have to talk with him b4 Friday, cuz he THINKS, he is coming over, and I have to have the strength to say NO, to make me happy....volunteering for him would be good, but i don't think he is that type of guy.
Thanks again for all your wonderful help....love ya!! camer

November 4, 2004
8:09 am
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don't feel bad about telling him how you feel. It is ok to say NO. If he cannot understand then he's not what you need.

November 4, 2004
9:00 am
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Hey Camer,
Good to see that you're getting back on that dating horse. The one thing I've noticed with being a co-dependent is that our live ultimately revolved around drama in some form or another. And while we say we didn't want that in our lives we constantly somehow always seem to find it.

I like most of us here at AAC could go into a room of 500 people and pick the sickest person (also the most attractive) there to have a relationship with. The normal "boring" individual wouldn't even make us look twice. While this individual does sound a little boring maybe (everyone needs a little edge in their lives to make it interesting) you're starting to look at him with the old "co-dependent eyes" (finding fault) instead of the new "normal eyes". Just something to ponder.

I feel very uncomfortable around "normal" people because I don't have to rescue or fix them which is like navigating uncharted waters for me (although I am getting better). I've had to reducate myself to not be so fast to judge them because if I do I have a tendency to fall back into my old thought patterns and will ultimately do or say something to screw it up.

I do believe you should talk with him and be honest (no games) explain to him what your needs are and by all means make sure you establish your "me" time because once you're on that merry-go-round of catering to anothers need while negating your own you'll be back here doing the SNAP thing and living day to day and I'm sure you don't want that. Just my take on things. Also don't put off tomorrow what you can do today. The anticipation of things is usually worst than the thing itself (get the talk out of the way now).

Have a great day

-Cactus

November 4, 2004
9:11 am
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Cristine
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Camer... I'm bringing a different spin. This guy isn't just boring, sweet as he is, nice as he is, he has no other social support except his mother and you. Is that healthy? You are looking at this in a healthy manner, I really think you are. You understand that everyone needs to have a LIFE outside of just dating. You are sensing that he is a little too emotionally needy, and that he will look to YOU to fill his time and life with interest.

You want an equal, someone who stimulates you and encourages you to be more healthy. This man needs the same encouragement, but NOT from you. You could get sucked into some serious caretaking here. You are feeling it now, and it will only get stronger if the relationship continues. If you are alright with that, then go for it. I don't think it's finding fault in him at all... I think it's seeing strength in yourself. It's much easier for someone to pull us OFF a chair, than it is for us to pull them up to our level. It's not your responsibility to give him protection and love just because he's only had two relationships. And, it's not your responsibility to stay with him if you aren't satisfied. Be honest with him, but move on if you don't see things improving. It isn't just a matter of him being boring or dull, it sounds like he's very insecure and not too social, and that spells problems for lil outgoing you right off the bat!

November 4, 2004
9:15 am
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Anonymous
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Morning Camer,

Well, I think you should probably sit down and really talk with him, give your side and see what he has to say. Is he willing to do this, I mean really talk? I know you like him very much and he does and has always sounded like a really great guy. Sometime I have found that we have to kind of guide our SO's (even just dating) to get out and have fun Ya know? Maybe he will take your lead and start to like being more outgoing. As far as letting him down or hurting him, well everyone needs their space and he should respect that. I hope this helps! SD has some great ideas too (as always!)

Hugs!!

Sunny

November 4, 2004
12:42 pm
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kathygy
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I agree with Cristine. This just may not be the right man for you. I would want an equal. Someone who has a life of their own. This man does not. Its not up to you to try to fix it or change him. I've alwsays heard that the man should be O.K. just the way he is. I think it is very important to tell him how you feel about the whole thing. It might hurt his feelings but that's his feelings. You are not responsible for them. You are only taking care of yourself.

November 4, 2004
1:48 pm
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CAMER
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Cristine, Kathy, Cactus and Sunny:
thanks so much!! I do get mixed feelings on this, yes he is a nice guy, but he doesn't "do" much in his life. Mostly a TV person. I myself am an outdoorsy type of gal. I will talk with him on this subject and see what happens. I know I won't just dump him here and now, but see where this goes,
its only 3 mos. but soon enough I should know if I want to continue with it or not. Again, I don't want to
change HIM...but I also like someone who is more like me with working out, hobbies, interests, frienships, and NOT just a TV person!!!
((((your words are so appreciated))))
love, camer

November 4, 2004
1:53 pm
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bubishi76
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Hey Camer,
Sorry, No cake last night.

November 4, 2004
8:32 pm
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hi everyone: i told him tonite on the phone that I won't be able to see him Friday nite...I need this time to myself, have been working 2-4 hours late all week and just want some rest and catch up on things that I need to do. He was fine with this....so we plan on meeting Saturday..I will talk with him and see how things go...I know...I think he is boring at times, and yes, I'd like to give him a chance at this relationship...i just need to get more balance in my life...sometimes our phone conversations go "dead" like no talking..then I have to think of something to say...Its funny cuz after working all these long hours at work all week, I really dont miss him. But in a way I do, cuz he is so nice!!! what I do know is I don't want to get too
deeply involved right now at this point in my life, thats why seeing eachother 2x per week is plenty for now. I don;t want to stray away from my friends, family, hobbies, working out, taking the dogs out, just living life, coda meetings...etc...I need balance, and we will just have to see how this works out. Thanks for all being so supportive.

much love & prayers...camer

November 4, 2004
8:36 pm
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bubishi76
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Camer,
Does he know that you aren't like serious?? I mean, he might want a serious thing and if you don't then he should know before it does get too deep.

November 4, 2004
8:41 pm
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CAMER
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hi Bubishi, this dating thing is all so new to me, its been 3 months, and
when we first started dating I told him i only want to see him maybe once or twice per week, and he was fine with that..eventually, he started calling me more and wanting to see me more...and maybe i slipped and started seeing him say 3x per week...Now I just need to set back a lil' bit and slow things down..I am confused, thats why I am writing..I don't want to lead him on, thats why I am being upfront and honest with him about seeing him 2x per week, and he knows I am working on my "coda" issues...now he can either understand and accept that, or he can walk away....He has choices and so do I. I just want to slow this down a bit b4 getting too overwhelmed...I felt like things in my life were slacking, cuz I could not speak up for myself and tell him how I felt. I did tonite though, I told him i'd see him Saturday...we will talk more, and see how it goes. Its all new to me again, early stages of dating.

November 4, 2004
8:43 pm
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art angel
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Camer,

Sounds like you have a clear head about all this. It also sounds like you are really healthy--and are at a place in life that I hope to be sometime soon. I look up to you a lot.

thanks Camer,

hugs

art angel

November 4, 2004
9:07 pm
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Camer my darlin!!! I can't get over how you go through things just when I need similar feedback. There is always a lesson for me too in your issues! Thanks!!!

You know, most of us have admitted to going after the bad boy type. You spent two years alone but did you really get over wanting the bad boy? And what is the stimulation? Something new all the time!, spontaneity, living life on the edge, etc etc etc.

So why do you have to give this up? Don't you think there are guys out there who do exciting things but they are not dangerous to there well being? How about a rock climber! Or a cyclist! Or a birding enthusiast for God's sake!!

Could it just be possible, YOU ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO HIM????? Do you think you would last even one night of a weekend away with him, just the two of you, cozy...in front of the TV?

Nothing wrong with deciding this type is bad for you too!!!!

November 4, 2004
9:18 pm
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Art Angel..what a nice compliment thanks so much..i still work on myself daily, its not an easy road, but as long as I try to get my needs met,,,it all helps.

Workin!!!! aaaah, yes we do go thru similiar things...the only way I would not be attracted to him is maybe we are different..such as what we like to do...he is a TV nut...me NO!! i like working out, being out in the yard, working around the house, walking my dogs, going to coda meetings...now don't get me wrong..this guy is super nice, lives in an apartment, so he can't really do alot around his place, but I would think there is more in life than watching TV!!!! sometimes i just don't know if I am getting my
gut instincts involved or am I just scared??? I will find out alot of answers on Saturday....I am so glad I stepped up to the plate today and told him I won't see him till Saturday, again he has choices and so do I ...right now I want balance on getting healthier, and balance on seeing him...not too much of seeing him though, and I told him I still need to work on myself.

And Workin, I don't mind watching TV once in a while, but I get tired and bored from it. He is always, always watching TV!!! Again, I will not make any decisions at this moment..i will talk with him on Saturday and see what happens.

Thanks for all of your kindness everyone who supported this thread and just for being in this wonderful group

Love and peace to all!!!! (((camer))))

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