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Afghan Sisters.....Reunion after LONG weekend...
November 13, 2006
1:59 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Ok gg,

I read the WHOLE thread. You are fine. I know a lot of things. I know you posted to Astute on RWs thread...good for you. I am glad that you did actually...BUT, remember this, typically when I tell you to stay away from a site..THERE IS A REASON. I love you and I care about you and I am trying to protect you. NOt shelter you, protect you. I do my best if you are going to get hurt, to prevent that. I can't help it, that is who I am. Second, I haven't got an opinion too much one way or the other on the hoosiermom thread. It makes me want to throw up, and I haven't read it today. Too close to home. I don't know enough info to make an opinion. You got your hair died and you don't like it? gg, I love you. We all want to desperately to be something that we are not. I find this to be VERY sad. I know, I just had mine colored. I have a LOT of gray hair...and that bothers me for only being 30. But really, I just want me to be somone totally different than I am. Happy, loving, healthy, caring, selfless as opposed to selfish...I know gg. But I think that is what we are trying to work on here. I agree with LL. You have come a long way, even since I have been talking with you. I love you gg. You have talked, and learned, and listened. You have been wonderful. I hope that you can start to see some of that. I am not sure who I am trying to kid, I don't see anything that you all do in me. I wish that I could. Maybe that is the thing, maybe we need to start listening to each other, instead of our unhealthy minds that are lying to us. We are listening to the voices of the past. We are giving power back to the people that stole it from us on the first place. I think that it is time that we all start standing up for ourselves, and take back what was taken from us. Our sanity, security, safety, self worth, among many other things. It is time to start fighting back. We have to quit turning the other cheek, and stand up for ourselves. All of us. LL, Cyn, GG, Need, and all of us. Please think about that. GG, you are a beautiful woman and I love you dearly. I have never seen you and you know what? If I never do, I still know you. You are a good person. You have a good heart. And you shouldn't be concerned with needing us either, or feeling needy either. HELLO....which one of us isn't really. You and I are pretty verbal about it. And Need is getting pretty verbal...Cyn, and LL...they are pretty quiet. But look at their lives..They need us too. They may get to a point that they sound just like us. Hard to imagine from the two of them, but one day gg, they are going to let it all come flying out, and who is going to be here, huh? We are. You, me, Need...We are all going to be here. I believe in my heart that they will turn to us gg, because they know we will be here. Yes, we are needy, we are sad a lot, but we are honest about it (most of the time). They respect that gg. Our lives would go on if this site closed down tomorrow...no doubt about it. Would there be an empty hole in my heart without my sisters? No doubt about it...But my life would still be better because I had all of you. And they think that same thing gg. You are not the only needy one here. You are ok. TRUST me. Ok. I have proven that it is safe to do that. TRUST ME. If you are too weak to trust you right now, then you trust me. PLEASE. OK? I love you. You are ok sis. And as far as you needing me. I like to be needed (honest confessions of a codep person right there) It gives me a reason and a purpose right now gg. When I can't think of any other reason to keep going, I think of you. I know that you need me. You know what....I need you too gg. I love you and I will talk to you soon.

Love your sister...
Mandy

November 13, 2006
2:10 pm
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needtoheal
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GG--

I got onto paltalk----finally!!!!!

Now I have to get to the coda meetings.. just a day late but at least I am finally registered..

I did go in an AA chat room just to see what it was like.. the voice mike was different.. i did not stay in there long..

thanks... and thanks for your guidance
in all honesty i would have given up if it weren't for YOU

November 13, 2006
2:14 pm
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needtoheal
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GG--

the voice mike is spooky....

interesting though

November 13, 2006
2:19 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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gg, what are you doing teaching? Seriously...just kidding. I love you. I posted a good size post to you. I hope that you read it and re-read it several times. I love you sis.

Mich

November 13, 2006
2:20 pm
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needtoheal
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and I get chills when I see that others have posted on the father thread...

I feel the same as MICh= too close to home that It disturbs me to even see the thread .....

what hurts the most for me, don't know about you MICh, is the denial and the betrayal of family!

November 13, 2006
2:20 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks for the smile MICH

that was so cute

and so sweet what you wrote to the little shit

November 13, 2006
2:30 pm
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ggfred4
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mich, thanks, what you wrote meant a lot...have to leave work to go to the doc...will write back when i get home from that...I LOVE YOU MICH...
I have some explaining to do though..

November 13, 2006
2:40 pm
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cyndra820
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BOO!!!

Mich~ You are so right about GG being a beautiful person, and that we all need to listen to what other people are saying about us rather than the tape that plays in our head.

The book I'm reading Self-Esteem talks of the internal critic we all carry with us. I had a three-day assignment to listen to the critic, write down what she says (it's my own voice) and analyze what it made me feel (positive or negative reinforcement).

The b*tch has been silent!!! WTF!!! That was not supposed to be the case!!! So, I've not been able to complete the assignment. I'm going to have to read the entire book.

Oh! The point of all that!! We do have to stop listening that that infernal, internal noise that keeps telling us we aren't good people, we are needy in a bad way, we don't measure up, we're not making progress, we're holding others back. Anything negative that isn't real.

We are all wonderful, remarkable, warm, funny, loving, beautiful, sexy women who deserve to be celebrated. We need to remember that and remind each other when we forget.

As for turning to all of you and spilling my guts, did it. Can't help it if you weren't paying attention! LMAO

Not to worry, it will probably happen again.

Love,
Cyndra

November 13, 2006
2:53 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Cyn,

That isn't what I meant...I know that you have spilled your guts to us silly. I just mean that I know that when things are tough for you guys that we will hear it. We are all needy, I think that is part of being human. Sure to a degree, we are all codependant. I was talking to Jim about this site...he doesn't know what site it is, and he said some great things. I made the comment that there are a lot of codependant people dependant on this site. Jim thinks that we all need someone to hear us, someone to validate us...it isn't JUST about being needy. What we have done is learned that we are codependant people and now attribute everything that we do and say to being just that way. Some of it doesn't make us that way. Truly. Some of our feelings and actions, are very human, and there is some codependant behaviors in everyone. Doesn't mean that we aren't helping ourselves. Because we are. There is a reward to helping others, there is a good thing about others helping us. We just found a place where we can be us, and feel like we are heard and cared about. We have found a group of people that care. There is nothing wrong with that. I believe in my heart that we are all moving in the right direction. However, I will tell you that LL saying that she is going to graduate to the "other side" libs makes me nuts. In all honesty, I went through a serious abandonment melt down after seeing that posted probably twice. I want her to get to that point, but I am depserately afraid of losing her. I love her, and I can't think of my life without her. I just read and re-read her letter to me and cried and cried. I am afraid that she will get to a point and leave us behind. Now, talk about being ridiculous. Not to mention codependant. Oh well. I will survive.

I have really missed you Cyn. Truly. You have become such an important part of my life. Most people would have run fast in the other direction if I had put them through what I put you through a couple of weeks ago. Thanks for sticking with me. I appreciate it. You are a beautiful person.

Don't scare me like that again either please. (BOO!!) Seriously...

You and LL make me nervous here as of late. I am sorry that is truth. But, I hope you know that I love you both regardless. I am trying to stick close. I am just a little scared. That is all.

Love you.

Mich

November 13, 2006
3:29 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Cyn,

Hoping you will find this post soon.

November 13, 2006
3:41 pm
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cyndra820
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Mich~ I am NO way ready to graduate to the other side. Sorry, I just got here. I'm not "cured" yet. If there is such a thing as a cure. I am settling in for the winter, probably the spring, and likely the summer. So, you are all stuck with me for a nice long spell.

Oh, pooh on what you put me through a few weeks ago!!! Don't ever let it trouble your mind. Honey, I didn't take it personally. Remember I want your growth (and everyone else's) like I want my own. I want you to get what you need. If that comes from me or someone else; or me with someone else that's fine. I want you to get what you need. You give me so much that I love being able to help you.

November 13, 2006
3:59 pm
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lovinglife
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Mich soooooooo happy you are home : ) Looking forward to hearing about the walk with the person in your life you hadn’t talk to in 6 months (????).

You're letter to GG was beautiful- got a few warm fuzzies & tears welling up in the eyes while reading it. You are right, ALL of us need each other...and as I have said I am so thankful for each & every one of you. There is no way I could do what I want/need to do in/with my life without my AAC family….

Now about me graduating from the support side over to the libs….well, let’s see here…I’m looking at a graduation date no sooner then the Spring 2008. I have lots of work to do right in here and not leaving til I get’er right. Wouldn’t it be great if we all graduated at the same time?! Oh the deep discussion we could have about life & the fun of just being able to chat about anything other than our problems/issues/fears/insecurities (of which I have a list of). Someday, but until then I am enjoying learning about myself among the best friends/sisters/family I could have ever asked for. As well as being here for my sisters who on the same journey. And just to ease your mind a little here a few things on my list I need to accomplish before I get my diploma….

1. ExH out of my house, out of my life, not having a direct influence on me

2. Successfully just date at least one healthy man (and this means not a Cyndra/LL project.) and OMG girls when I get to that point in my life-you all will have to be holding my hand through it as the old tapes may kick up in full force. Or worse I get invovled with a *project*

3. I finally & completely let go of my exN (the guy who ripped my heart this year)…still dealing with strong thoughts of him.

Now Mich as you can see from just the start of my list that I ain’t going anywhere for awhile!!

I’ll be back in a bit with my latest thoughts on my growth. I was really in a pissy mood yesterday about people in my life that have treated me like crap…and hoping to hold to what I felt about many things…

LL

just thought of something I need to add to this brb.

November 13, 2006
4:05 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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LL,

reading this made me cry. I thought I was having a good day, and truly I am feeling so insecure and alone. That doesn't make it a bad day..just a VERY tough moment. Oh well, no matter. One moment at a time. Live and let go right? There ya go.

Mandy

November 13, 2006
4:35 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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LL, did you run away? I will be gone this evening...but...I will be here eventually. Do you work tonight? Will you be around in the morning? I have to be at Jims at noon tomorrow. Anyways, gotta run. I will check back as it will be probably about an hour before I leave, at least. Suppose to go the gym and go watch an indoor soccer game that a bunch of guys that I know are playing in. Yippee. Don't want to go...oh well. I would rather stay right here in my house. Just that feeling at this moment.

November 13, 2006
4:55 pm
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Mich, home now and want to answer your thread honestly; is that a rule, LL?

1.I LOVE that you and LL protected me..It makes me feel very cared for...okay? just don't leave me too long!

2.the hair...result of a panic over father thread and not being able to deal with it and panic over no one around for awhile yesterday...I started hating myself for being so dependent on all the sisters and started the spiral down...wanted to punish myself, mad at myself, and the only way I knew how was...you know...and I knew we had not promised Sat. night, so I knew I had an out, but it is almost like I felt you trusted me not to and I couldn't do it...but, I couldn't let go of the urge...looked in the mirror and knew I had an appt. in 2 weeks for color and highlights and felt I didn't deserve it, so I got dye and dyed it completely different, coloring all the highlights that I like getting and then, didn't tell you guys starting cutting my hair, but did get a grip on that thank goodness. I know to anyone reading this sounds so stupid, guess it is, just don't know yet how to handle myself in these little crisis times lately...Afterwards, felt better, then later, started hating my hair so much...but it is my fault, will have to deal with it...

3.About lack of progress, maybe I see it differently, but I can admit, and you had better listen LL and cyn, that until a month or so ago, you would have never heard me say sweetie, dear, love you, hold me, etc...Too afraid of getting hurt and embarrassing myself, plus just not comfortable...Mich, you have made me so comfortable in that area and now it is spreading in other areas of my life and I do think that is a good thing,,,so thank you my sis!

4.the neediness=I am so AFRAID on this issue...I think it comes down to this...I know how close I am to my sisters here and guess I fear the letting my guard down, no one around, and abandonment...I absolutely fear this...I also WORRY about what you all think, like oh no, there goes gg again...She is wearing me out...Sometimes I do hold back if someone else is having something going on or if I just had problems the day before...afraid you are all going to think I am just a whiny baby and become annoying...I truly worry about that and that is why I try and change the subject sometimes, not just the ADD, need!

4.Mich, can't bear even the thought of this site closing and if it had to happen, we better get some notice, because we should get the opportunity to get emails if we want to...gosh, can't bear the thought...

Well, just had to say all this...your ugly hair lil shit sister!

November 13, 2006
5:01 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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One more mean comment about yourself and i am going to jump through this computer and beat your ass. Got it?? Alrighty then...

Anyways, gg, i love you. And quite frankly I would give my right arm to be able to actually talk to you in person. I wish that there was a way. but I know that SC would NEVER let it happen.

LL and Cyn, please don't take too much of what I said today to heart. There is a lot in between that I didn't share. Trying to stay UPBEAT, not working well though.

Love you all

Mandy

November 13, 2006
5:11 pm
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ggfred4
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Sorry mich, just being honest...do you want me to lie? I used to lie all the time and trying to stop...

November 13, 2006
5:29 pm
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ggfred4
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Okay, I can be like this if you want...Hello, sisters, I am just wonderful and beautiful, how are you doing? I have the most wonderful life, filled with friends, little responsibilities, no money issues, and I am a little worried about one thing though...not sure if my nail polish goes with the new hair...

Is that what shit you want!!!!!!!!!!

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Now be serious with me MICH!!!! I mean it...I wrote from my heart...

Oh, I will sign off, the best little sister ever.....gg

November 13, 2006
5:31 pm
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lovinglife
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And when you're out in the middle of the snowy mountains, leaving the group is not an option.

When I think of us all I see it as we each were all alone once in the middle of our own snowy, cold, frigid mountains of our lives ... but brought together on a journey to eventually climb out of our snowy mountains through the adventure & friendship found on The AAC Support Mountain .... that leads to safety, to life, to love, to joy, to complete freedom, really to be free of someone else’s demons that held us frozen in the snowy mountains of our lives… all the while shedding lots of tears balanced out with just as much laughter.

And together as a group we support & encourage each other to get strong. When one of us gets a little weak – the others help them stand back up to shake the snow off they brought with them or when one of us really gets weak and they don't think they can go on---we stop- build a nice AAC fire to melt the snow & ice around them and take as long as needed to help that person get strong once again to continue on the journey – together as a group….

And ultimately the goal here is to get out completely of our snowy mountains and meet up at the airport- all emotionally healthy & strong : ) Just thought of something- our t-shirts could say something AAC Support Mountain Graduates!!! Or the AAC Support Mountain Trek Team or ??????

November 13, 2006
5:36 pm
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Hey Scared I thought I would just stop in here because I was sure you would find this. I have been trying to think a lot today and I have been reading other posts and what not. I am not totally feeling a whole lot better but some. I have not heard anything on either of the jobs that I applied for yet.

I know its probably wrong and that is a big part of my problem but I feel like I cant do anything while waiting. I am waiting for a job so when I get one I can start making decisions. I have it all figured out for what to do if I find a job and can move. BUT what do I do if I dont find a job. What if I dont get a new job for another 2 years. I cant sit here in nuetral for 2 years. But if I move it is a whole different world. I dont know. I dont know what to do just that I want a new job and to move and ......... something more than what we have here.

My daughter seems to be doing better. Normal 13 year old problems. She is seeing a counselor but told me she doesnt think she really needs to. I dont know. I am gonna keep her in it for a couple of more weeks and see. I do know that her insurance doesnt cover it so I cant keep her in there too long unless her counselor tells me she really needs to cuz I am already broke and 75 extra per week is killing me. However if it is helping her I will definately figure out something.

November 13, 2006
6:28 pm
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cyndra820
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Mich and GG, Please remember rule number one. Neither of you need to apologize for anything.

LL~ I'm so tired from working out I feel like my back is going to fly off.

Here's a funny for everyone. The eliptical machine got to be too much for me so I did the last ten minutes of my workout dancing like no one could see me. Of course, they can't, but it felt so freaking GOOD!!! I will have to do that more often. Dancing legs and arms akimbo looking like goodness only knows what. LOL

I am going to eat dinner now.

Thumkin, you're a temp right? If the assignment keeps going and you don't get a job, can you still make plans?

Ask your daughter's counselor if she thinks your daughter needs it. You may get a different answer than the one your daughter is giving you. If she agrees with your daughter I don't think there will any harm in ending the sessions.

Take care. I'll be back to check in before going to bed tonight.

Need~ I've missed you today!!! Love you!!

November 13, 2006
8:21 pm
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lovinglife
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Ok girls I have having a few icky moments here I need to shake...want to share all but holding back because honestly I don't want to burden anyone else and bring the group down... Now that is not healthy thinking is it?

I really think part of growth is the ups and downs we must go through. I was feeling pretty strong earlier today then I got thinking which leaves a dark ugly cloud hanging over my head I really need to shake. I'm feeling a whole hell of alot of anger towards my exH, the exN (which I still have in my head I love), the ex ex, and the ex ex ex bf and maybe even a bit at myself. I'm feeling pathetic for being so stupid regarding these men and allowing these men to just take & take from me and hold me back. And then I feel hope, I feel strong, I feel like my dreams are within reach ...I see lessons in the last few days that have resulted in some growth...but right now the moment is...

I need to shake this off because I feel like running to AOL and trying to stir up exN out of his silence in an attempt to bring back the feelings I had with him which was nothing but a flipping fantasy to begin with. I feel like I want to say F*CK IT ALL there is no point, no hope for me, I will always be who I am- so why try???

Why try...because I know that if I keep keeping on here I will someday hit that mark I'm shooting for. I have to remind myself how much I am growing and even though it's little bits here & there- I am growing, I am changing within. I am a different woman today than I was 5 months ago (can't believe that is how long I have been on this website-wow). I want to leave in the dust my past and become the person I know that I am inside, I want to feel the joy of loving someone and someone loving me, I want to dance, I want to sing, I want to be free of this flipping head bullshit that goes on in my mind.

Ok think I am feeling a little better here after writing...

Tonight if I get another urge to log on to AOL I am going to be right back in here but just a heads up, it might not be a pretty scene....as I'll be puking all over the place : )

November 13, 2006
8:22 pm
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lovinglife
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and what is up with my typing and grammer errors????????????????

November 13, 2006
8:26 pm
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lovinglife
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ok I just posted and still feel like logging on to AOL. WHY? I am patheticaly trying to reach out to a man who is undeserving of me. And that is what I need to get sunk into my head... I deserve more, I am worth more and he doesnt deserve to be graced with my presence.

November 13, 2006
8:52 pm
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(((LL)))

I am in the same place as you are!! Not funny, but ironic. Wasn't Mich mentioning something about us needing them at some point and when we did we'd come here because we knew they loved us and we'd feel safe? What is she? Psychic?

I have felt the urge to call the FIB and tell him that his expectation of me to move, completely uproot my life, for him without him doing a single thing was completely unrealistic. That he had agreed on it then backed out of it throwing up all sorts of roadblocks!!

I'm not f*ck it with me, but definitely with giving this guy too much space in my head. I had better break out the lease agreement for that primo real estate. I told Need she should charge whale shit $250,000 per centimeter. I'm thinking that's a fair price for the jerks and assholes who didn't treat us the way we deserve to be treated.

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