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Afghan Sisters.....MOVING Forward TOGETHER...
November 9, 2006
7:17 pm
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needtoheal
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Hi GG-- I am here. I have been thinking about you and I do hope that all goes well tomorrow.. Tomorrow is also Jake's birthday-- my youngest who will be 7. It is going to be a tough night for me because he will be going with his brother to their father's house.. I have to work so I will be keeping myself busy tomorrow night until 10 pm then I will check here..

CYndra-- the party went well although I did not get a good night of rest since I slept on the floor in the living room.. So I am just very tired..thanks for asking ..

LL-- hope work goes well and yes, I do think that you have to be yourself with the cute guy at work.. He is eyeing you up... just as much as you are doing the same with him.
And I think Cyndra is right about HIM (GG, weren't we going to vote on a name for LL's a--hole ??)...

MICH-- I am sure you are looking beautiful. GLad to hear that you took time for yourself today.. Thinking about you .. and this middle shit has your back as well..

I am not feeling so good right now..

I am going to spend some time with the boys before they get ready for bed. They are playing in their room with their army men and doing a rescue mission.. they are so creative.. I don't even know why I even have a TV. they can go without the tv being on for days..

i will check in later girls..

just know that I love all of you

November 9, 2006
7:20 pm
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Hi GG,

Thanks for the compliment!! I posted on the liberations side too. He/She/It went there and posted the exact same question. I told him that the Library of Congess is online and will send information to you if you ask.

I hope that he gets the message. If he had come here and been honest about what he's doing I think we would have been more receptive. I don't know.

I do agree with Mich and LL his last two sentences were very arrogant.

November 9, 2006
7:21 pm
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need, glad to know you are okay..sorry you are not feeling so well...

need, you are an awesome mom; been wanting to tell you that...

I love you need!!!

November 9, 2006
7:24 pm
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cyn, read that too, he is arrogant...I was scared he was going to nosey on our thread...we would have to choke him with the afghan!

are you busy cyn?

November 9, 2006
7:29 pm
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needtoheal
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I love you too GG

and I am grateful for all of

my sisters... but then again I

am the suck up...

November 9, 2006
7:30 pm
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ok need, no need to get testy....

November 9, 2006
7:33 pm
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needtoheal
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LOL---

again,GG you always manage to make

me smile.....

November 9, 2006
7:35 pm
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Hey GG,

I'm here. I just posted on Mich's thread.

Hi Need, sorry you didn't get any rest. I hope it's better tonight.

You asked about crate training. Yes, she was crate trained she just didn't really care once she got sick where she went. To tell you the truth, neither did I. I just wanted to hold her and let her know how much I loved her.

Okay, between writing on Mich's thread and thinking about my beloved Scottie, I'm getting misty.

Cyn

November 9, 2006
7:38 pm
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cyn, just read what you wrote, and can't even read what i wrote...fighting tears now and all day about this...okay I said it...suppose to be supportive here...better go build a wall ...be back

November 9, 2006
7:38 pm
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needtoheal
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oh sisters---

I caved.. did not think the pond scum would answer just as I was preparing to leave him a message...

he asked me how I was doing.. did not answer the question.. I was really quite stern on the phone (no I did not call from the new cell phone because he has caller ID),, I told him that he does have some things here...
GUess it was an excuse but I kept it BRIEF....

Now I am feeling guilty because I do not want to keep the door open...and I did not want to even "CONFESS" here either...

NOW I am looking for LL to give me a *BONK*

November 9, 2006
7:42 pm
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needtoheal
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I better go build a damn WALL too, GG

While the boys are playing maybe

I can make a FORT with the army men

all around... and *bonking* me

when I am feeling impulsive...

see, I should have thought about

the thing from AA--

HALT= hungry, angry, lonely , tired

November 9, 2006
7:43 pm
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Need~ Can I give you the bonk on the head and she give you one when she reads it? I think this is a double bonk momnet. I'll tell you about mine later.

I get that he has things there, but could you have sent them to him and NOT made contact? How did the contact, however brief, make you feel? I know it's hard, honey. Believe me!!! I just want you to do what's best for you. I know day 5 can be a m/f. I love you and am holding you close.

GG~ Why they wall? I know you are going to miss Mich and then you'll be gone this weekend. I think you are going to have to take a piece of the afghan with you. Your very own blankie.

I haven't eaten dinner and I have a shrimp curry screaming my name!!! I still have to thaw the shrimp. I'll be back in about 5 minutes while I get them ready. It is 7:45 EST.

November 9, 2006
7:45 pm
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needtoheal
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GG-- thanks for your compliments

on me being an awesome MOM...

I am trying the best that I can

and have to tell myself that because

I do not want to spiral down again...

November 9, 2006
7:51 pm
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needtoheal
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I agree CYn and he does not even have

that much stuff here either..

He was not living here -- thank god

I am being honest.. I caved.. and

I think some of the reason is

because I read that others who have

gone through this before say that

we can get depressed if HE does not

try to contact anymore...

I felt ok after speaking to him--

I felt guilty and wanted to bonk

myself actually.. I did not even

call him where the boys could hear..

They know it is over

But in all honesty I was not upset

just felt weird because I did not

want to lie to my sisters and hide

either...

understand?

November 9, 2006
7:52 pm
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needtoheal
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I will be back in a few... going to

take Mandy out and have a few puffs..

November 9, 2006
8:01 pm
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cyndra820
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Need~ I completely understand. Here's how much.'

Confession: I talked to the FIB on Monday and Wednesday. My opinion didn't change I'm still very glad we broke up, and I realize he isn't the person for me

However, I listened to him and he said he was working some overpriced program to help him with his self-esteem. When I mentioned the program I was doing he was a little dismissive. This didn't bother me, I rather expected it.

I had called him yesterday because there was something just burning inside me. Not exactly anger, but marjor irritation. So I vented to him. I had done that in an e-mail a few weeks ago and got reamed for it. He told me he would rather talk it out than read an e-mail. Some part of him doesn't get NO CONTACT. But then again, maybe I've not been sending the clearest signals.

So, it is still mostly about him. His attempts at letting it be about me were abysmal at best. I told him about a health issue I had he made it about a conversation he had with a woman who goes to his church who is trying to get pregnant. WTF? How does that tie in? Oh!! IT DOESN'T!!!

I did feel better because I told him that his comments about past girlfriends that he continued to make while we dated had upset me, and made me ashamed of the fitness goals I had achieved. Granted I should have said something and I accepted full responsibility for that. I also told him that I didn't feel he found me physically attractive. {more about that another time} I got what I was feeling off my chest, he listened and responded, and that was that.

He wanted to have a normal conversation, but I didn't. He said he does miss me but is glad he's not depressed anymore. I told him I know the feeling.

So, you aren't the only one who broke NO CONTACT, but at least we are wiser for it, right?

So, now you know I COMPLETELY understand.

November 9, 2006
8:01 pm
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needtoheal
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ok.. regaining my strength now...

November 9, 2006
8:10 pm
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Okay sisters, here's a funny for you.

My therapist just called me. I do computers as you guys know. She called me for a computer question!!! I think nothing says your therapist likes you more than her calling to ask a question about something she needs from you.

I thought that was funny.

Cyndra

November 9, 2006
8:15 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks cyn---

I know that maintaining no contact
is what is best for me..
I also think that I am going to be feeling lonely this weekend because I hate it when they go with their dad normally but with Jake's b/day tomorrow i know it will be hard.. but it is one day at a time..

and yes, i know the feeling, because I have not sent the clearest signals to him either. HE probably now thinks that he has an open door once again into my life.. to torment me..

There are many things that are still bothering me about how he treated me -- and he did make me feel that he did not find me physically attractive either.. He loved to walk all over me.. and was a leech too..

HE did things in order to get a reaction from me and he certainly did.. and those reactions were all negative..

Here is another confession-- this i do not understand and have not shared with my therapist...
He told his friends (a couple) that I have a vibrator that i like and he gave one to HER ... not even as a reason such as a birthday joke.. It was almost as a boasting.. and HE did not even buy the damn thing for me either... plus, he was incapable of having a sexual relationship with me ...

here i go rambling...

this is the couple that he spent time with the night of the funeral of my dad's best friend... which was the wake up call for me.. although it really should have been the night that I turned off the playstation game that he was playing because i wanted him to leave and he called me the c word for not saving the game... and then i stopped him in the doorway of the room and he pushed me aside. then downstairs he said that if I got my brother and told him that he pushed me that he would stab the m/f a--hole in the heart right in front of me.....

November 9, 2006
8:17 pm
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needtoheal
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that was funny cyndra

and thanks for listening to me

right now.. I need it.. and i appreciate it..

November 9, 2006
8:20 pm
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cyndra820
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(((NEED)))

I'm sorry he was such an asshole. Sorry, I curse when I get pissed.

That he revealed that to ANYONE is inexcusable. It wasn't his secret to tell. IDIOT. I think we may have to upgrade him from Pond Scum to Whale Shit.

Okay, I'll stop cursing. In a few minutes. Maybe.

How are you otherwise? I know you are lonely when the boys are with their dad. Are you working an extra shift or anything? Can you go rent some movies you've been dying to watch and pop some popcorn and watch them at night?

I know reading the CODA books can be a great distraction, but sometime I require one that doesn't require me to THINK.

Cyndra

November 9, 2006
8:21 pm
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needtoheal
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POND SCUM said that he will call

me later... I don't even know if

he knows that my cell phone number

was changed. He may not have even

called it since last saturday....

He did not mention it.. that is how

brief this conversation was...

I know that if he does call tonight

it will probably be past 9pm because

then it will be a free call from his

cell phone since my number has changed

does not matter.. I will let the

answering machine pick it up if he

leaves a message because I do not

want to talk to him again tonight

It will just bring me down and that is

not fair to me or the kids.. He knows

that it is Jake's b/day tomorrow.

I'm sure his mommy reminded him

she used to go buy him cards and gifts

for him to give too...

November 9, 2006
8:27 pm
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cyndra820
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Need,

Let me get this straight, Pond Scum's MOTHER would buy your children cards and gifts for him to give to them? Doe she have a personal shopping business? Is he completely inadequate?

I think I am beginning to understand his biggest issue. Probably why he's a manipulator. His mother is a controller.

I am SO glad you are away from them!! They are codep!!! Sheesh!!

I'm sorry honey!!! I love you!!!

OMG, that reminds me of when FIB asked me if he were codep. I almost said yes, but didn't because he has to get there on his own. I sent him the link that describe what codep was. He must not have seen himself in that light.

November 9, 2006
8:28 pm
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needtoheal
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I just do not understand his reasoning to say something like that and to HER ..
not that I was embarrassed that she knows because I can care less what she thinks..

then last year we were in the car and he had just started a new job (that he left after a week,, and I went to hand in his uniforms because he lied to the company and said that he broke his ankle).. anyway, he had two pictures of these girls sitting at their desks.. just head shots of them.. and he told me that they were his sisters friends.. of course, I knew otherwise.. then finally he said that he did not know either of them but took them from work as Masturbation pictures.. quite strange would you agree... and this is a man that is inadequate and said that he does not have a sex drive...
see what I mean???

this is why I should have thought about all of this before picking up the damn phone...

but I know better and thanks for listening to me whine...

November 9, 2006
8:31 pm
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needtoheal
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OH for sure.. i have talked at length with my therapist and I could analyze the whole scenario...

his mother is very controlling .. and his father is very quiet but he is verbally abusive at times.. not when I was around;

she also enabled him for smoking marijuana.. his parents allowed him to smoke in his room and even gave him money for his habit that he did break when I met him and told him that was not what i wanted in my life ...

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