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Afghan sisters...LOOKING FORWARD...
November 6, 2006
8:16 am
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lovinglife
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It's hard Need, all I can say... it's hard (been there a few times myself-esp the caving).

Sometimes it takes us a few hard knocks to get it to connect that it hurts more to contact than to not contact. Lifting you up right along with your sister GG... (((Need)))

November 6, 2006
8:27 am
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needtoheal
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thanks LL... the hardest part is breaking the habit...

he might not even call.. that is why i feel guilty for even thinking of him at all... but I want to be prepared. so when I take the boys to school this morning I am leaving the cell phone at the house.
he will usually wait to see if i call him and then call when he gets at work 8:30.. or that has been the pattern..

thanks for listening

I know why he wants to remain in contact----- his ego

November 6, 2006
8:28 am
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lovinglife
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Need- did you ever read *The Beauty of No Contact* ?? (thinking about his ego).

November 6, 2006
8:41 am
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Kroika~ Where are you? How are you doing? We miss you!!!

Hi Cyndra, thanks for the greeting. I'm around, but kousin k doesn't contribute frequently to this thread. Nice to know I'm not forgotten, though :0)

wishing you all a healthy day

kissin' kousin kroika

November 6, 2006
8:42 am
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lovinglife
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Ok Need I posted it over on the NC Thread. More than likely Ma Strong has already shared this with you, but just in case...

Stay Strong lil Sis.

November 6, 2006
8:47 am
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needtoheal
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NO... I will have to see if Barnes & Nobles carries it...

No phone call...

see what I mean? I get so anxious in anticipation that he will contact me again.

the last time he called he rang my house phone once.. so i text him back and wrote "what the f--k do you want from me anymore?" then i called him and he answered and i said are you trying to F--K with my head? he said "you know i am not like that" then I said "well, don't want any type of relationship with me but yet still want to talk to me.." He said "sorry" and I said "FOR" so he answered "hurting you".. I had once told him that this is difficult for me because he knows that when my ex-husband left he still came here every day and he did not want anything to do with me yet did not want to leave it either....

Maybe he got the hint....

I still can't believe that things ended this way... it all started september 30 when I had a funeral for my dad's best friend and that evening he said that he wanted to do something with me... and then was so vague when I know that he did not have any intention of being with me that night... He is cold and calculating and wants me to be hurt.. that is why when i stopped talking to him he left a message once that said "don't know if you had a good weekend or not..."

LL-- just tired of this.. It is not a game...
I want him to GO AWAY

That is why when I found this cell phone yesterday I was debating about reporting it lost/stolen and then throwing it in the river.... get rid of the connection

November 6, 2006
8:54 am
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needtoheal
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thanks LL just went to no contact and read it...

that is si true.. so many times I had tried to explain myself to him and he NEVER understood or had any empathy for my Feelings...

No contact is best... and that is why when I debated about changing my phone numbers I thought that it would be good to do..but then I thought that it would even be better NOT changing the numbers...just not answering... I am so tired of running away..

I think that he decided to run from me because he was tired of hearing about all the hurt that his behavior caused me...
these men like to wear a mask../ they are so different with others but with me and his mother he was so nasty... and once i revealed to what was under the mask he did not like it..
even the one day this past week when he tried twisting things around at me and i said what about your actions; your behavior..? he said "I DON"T KNOW"

November 6, 2006
9:04 am
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lovinglife
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Need - they only go away when we get strong & let them go...as long as we contiune to feed their ego's, they'll take. And as long as we continue to not let them go, the crazier we stay in the head....I know, I have sooooooooooo been there : )

It's been said many times before "No Contact is not for the faint at heart." {I really should be posting this over on the NC thread} - but another thing that helped me was when someone (H-Gal) handed me a *shot gun & shovel*!! It was another thing I held to for dear life... Oh, is this bringing back the memories. It does get better Need, trust me it does. I still have moments where I miss him or like last night just had this wave of thought about him overcome me...but what I feel today is nothing like those early days.

November 6, 2006
9:06 am
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lovinglife
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Mich are u here this a.m?

November 6, 2006
9:13 am
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needtoheal
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thanks LL.. for your support and advice..

I am going to contact the phone company and set up call blocking

and change the cell number so that i do not have to go through this anxiety anymore;; i do not need to keep having these feelings...

wish me luck

have to go to work

i will be here after 2pm EST

love ya all

November 6, 2006
9:23 am
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lovinglife
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Mich I am going to see what I can belt out here before I have to leave...have so many thoughts…(and heheheheheh on the ex- I looked like a mack truck just ran over me-didn’t even take my make up off last night : ) if I have to spend any amount of time with him in close proximity he for sure is not getting me looking anything other than a worn out haggard looking woman…though as always, this will probably backfire on me and I’ll run into *cute guy*- if so that would be so my luck : )

Ok I'll be back before I have to leave in about 10-15 mns.

November 6, 2006
9:32 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Ok girls, I am around...not doing so hot to be honest...that's what we promised to be right, honest. But, LL, you name the time, I will find a way to be here...But, it may be easier for me to do it around 4, or later rather than 1 or 2...I just want to be able to talk to you...SO much going on.

GG, thank you for keeping the promise, and in all honesty, I struggled to keep mine. And am still struggling...

Need, honey I am glad to see you around. I hope that you have a good day.

Cyn, I do hope that you have a good day today. I am glad that I have you for a sister.

Kousin Kroika...MISS YOU much...More that I can possibly type right now. I am feeling almost as bad as the night you helped save my life....

Girls...hold me close...

LL, let me know what works.
GG, I am holding you VERY close..That is a promise....

love Mandy

November 6, 2006
9:35 am
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cyndra820
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Oh, GG I forgot to tell you something this morning: I am holding yu very close today!!

Mich, I'm very glad to have you for a sister too. In fact, I'm glad to have all of you as sisters. Now if only I can remember where to keep up with kousin Kroika!!

So much for not liking the mushy stuff.

Have a great day ladies.

November 6, 2006
9:51 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks Cyn...Needed that today...

November 6, 2006
9:51 am
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lovinglife
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Mandy, since I am unable to doing any chatting this morning, I thought I’d try to get out a few more thoughts … (leaving here shortly). This actually is going to be a good follow up to the convo I had with Need this morning.

Mandy when I read you letter to hubby, I felt your pain of not having your mother acknowledge the beautiful person that you are. Now just hold here before I lose you : )

How I can relate to this is that when I had my heart broke this year (this first real heartbreak I’ve ever felt) is that I so desperately wanted him to *validate* me in some way. He held onto something that I needed- to tell me that even though he didn’t want me- that I was still OK. To tell me he was sorry for hurting him. Just to fricken acknowledge my pain, acknowledge that there was some good qualities about me. However he made me feel like I was the lest of the lest by acting as if I didn’t matter. I loved him but yet he rejected me and worse, felt like he didn’t even know me. The one person in this world I just wanted to see me for this person I am, couldn’t and never will. Ma Strong, FeelingFree and myself talked about this at great length- because we all felt the same. Others can see the wonderful qualities in us but that one person who can’t acknowledge that for whatever their reasons, is the one person who holds the key so we could move on.

With your mother, I wonder if she would just apologize to you, tell you that you are a beautiful person, tell you all those things you need to hear, that that void you feel within would be allowed to start to heal. We need that, we need to be validated when another has hurt us so deeply. It makes the feeling that much more intense when it is a parent.

I’ve got to go…I’ll be back. And Mandy I know, like you stated, you may never get that from your mother…and this something I would love to just chat away about.

I love you Mandy. Damn girl you are just a beautiful person. I’ll be back. Hope some of this made sense.

You sis, love you LL

and yes 4 would work great- 4 it is. I just read your last posting. Holding you my friend

(((((((MICH)))))))

November 6, 2006
9:55 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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LL. miss you

November 6, 2006
10:03 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Are any of you around?

November 6, 2006
10:16 am
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ggfred4
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mich, shouldn't be, but just need to stay close, as close as i can get..

November 6, 2006
10:25 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Can we just hold each other today gg. I am NOT doing well either...And a little scared, and I don't know..did you read my earlier post to all of you?

November 6, 2006
10:34 am
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ggfred4
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mich, yes, I did, but didn't know what was wrong...Yes, let's hold each other close mich...I am so so down and sad and I came so close last night, but kept saying at one a.m.,you promised her, you can't do that to her, and I DIDN'T...and of course, I am glad in the a.m....The nights are bad mich...but the pain is still here...

what is up girl? I am really slacking now on the job and I have got to get my shit together...Being sick has really hurt, but actually finally feeling better today...Preop appts. this Friday. ((((((mich)))))))

I LOVE MY SISTERS!!!

Sorry about the guilt thing, LL,,,have to work on it!!!

November 6, 2006
10:37 am
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white dove
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Ive no wise words but just wanna send a hug for you all.

(((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))

November 6, 2006
10:54 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks white dove...and a hug to you as well (((white dove)))

GG, I am having a horrible day, actually it started yesterday..over something STUPID. But, I am sure that I will be fine...I am holding you, because I am still fighting the urge BAD.

I love you gg.

Mandy

November 6, 2006
11:06 am
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ggfred4
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mich, i have the urge, but some reason, have ? Maybe mich, if we talk, we can release pain that way, okay???I will never judge you because I love you too much and feel like you love me too..I can check in an out until lunch..(((((mich))))))

Thank you white dove!

November 6, 2006
11:09 am
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mich, part of sent. got deleted, switched from desktop to laptop, trying to get used to it...I meant....I have the urge, but for some reason I only do it at night, probably so I can sleep...never in the daytime...

November 6, 2006
11:17 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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I just want to let it all go gg. ALL of it. I want to quit worrying about my mom, and evreything else. I want to quit being depressed because I can't have any more babies...I am just a frickin mess. All I have done since yesterday was cry...My h was laughing at me yesterday afternoon, because I was crying over something stupid...I went in my room and stayed there and cried for 2 hours...I am just tired gg. I just want to sleep, I want to stop thinking about hurting myself...be it cutting OR suicide...I hate this feeling, and I want it to go away.

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