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Affairs.
June 10, 2000
2:15 am
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Isabella_sg
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Where does one start? Background first. I am 31, married since I was 18, to a man who is 55. We have one child. Throughout my marriage I have cheated on him, although he is a wonderful man. I suppose my own childhood wasn't the best. My parents physically and psychologically abused me, I am a victim of incest (brother) also. But I digress. Question is, how does one stop? How can I fulfil this desire/need that only an affair can bring? How do I heal as a person and move on to being a healthy human being? Any feedback would be great.

June 10, 2000
6:35 am
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janes
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I don't think the digression (incest) was an improper one. Number one...just stop. then get yourself into intensive counseling and start educating yourself about what and why you are doing what you are doing. But don't just blame YOUR behavior on the actions of others..abusive or not. You donot need to cheat because you were abused..you may have unmet neeeds and or other problems but cheating on your husband (and yourself) is a choice YOU are making.

You can overcome the effects of an abusive childhood....many have and do every day.

Good Luck and I hope you find the happiness you seek.

June 10, 2000
7:20 pm
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Isabella_sg
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Janes. Thank you for your feedback. It is easier said then done (to stop), especially after years of having done it. I know my behaviour is due to my childhood and something lacking within me, hence my decision to start counselling tomorrow! Living in another country, away from home does not help much either. I am currently in a affair with someone and it is truly hard to break it off as I think I have some feelings for him. At times I am quite clear on my life and my marriage, other times I am not. There is a part of me that wants liberation, (married young) but question is, at what cost? This is also a fear I have about counselling as I feel it may make me strong and I will not need my husband any longer as my support. Some thoughts on this please?

June 12, 2000
10:25 am
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Cici
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Counceling isn't a panacea. A therapist does a very simple job, when you think about it. They evaluate your current position and how you got there, then try to determine where you want to be (psychologically speaking). Then, they try to lead you along the right path to an adequate resolution.

But how do you follow this path? Not blindly, not without strenuous effort on your part. The way to stop these behaviors is to be able to examine yourself honestly and exceptingly, as our loving humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers would say.

Have you ever seen "The Neverending Story"? I always equate this to the part when he is passing through the gates to get to the oracles, and he (Atreyu) slogs through snow only to find that the third gate, the most terrifying gate, is a mirror in which you see your true self and you can't look away...

What does this mean? People go through life, with a self-heuristic. An idea, a mental shortcut of who they are. How many stop to think about themselves, the choices they make and the reasons they do so, with any sort of intensity?

June 13, 2000
9:34 pm
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Frieda
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I love sweet Carl Rogers! I love anyone who wants to show me unconditional positive regard.

Isabella, can you find someone to hold you accountable? Whom you can confess to and call when you are tempted? Someone who would understand and yet help you choose wisely? I hope you do. A counselor can do that to, but availability is usually limited. Those unmet or stolen needs are killers. Use this discomfort to search your heart and find the wholeness you seek. People often say it is already within you. Maybe so. It's worth a look:)

June 14, 2000
8:31 am
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Isabella_sg
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Cici, Frieda, thank you so much for your feedback. It is appreciated tremendously. I have now sought help and am seeing a counsellor. My first session went very well and I am positive about continuing it and eventually living a healthy life with a better understanding of myself and those around me. oxo

June 22, 2000
8:38 am
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Ekelly
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I am 29 female. Divorced and have one child. I was raped when I was 14 and never told. Recently I found my biological father and have become very close to a half sister and told her about the rape. All my life I have had the desire to cheat. I am into the relationship in the beginning and then I loose the desire to have sex with my partner. Thats when I start flirting with other men and my sexual desire is in full swing. After meeting my biological father, I found out that he also would get tired of his relationships and was always looking for a challenge. I dont know if its genetic or if it has something to do with the rape or the fact that I never knew my real father until now. I do love the person I am with now, but do I really know who I am or what I want?

June 22, 2000
10:20 am
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Cici
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That's up to you to decide. Many women who've been molested or raped have this problem. In fact, I had it myself until I met my fiancee. The problem is that women who've been sexually brutalized can sometimes unconsciously associate sex with the negative feelings of their rape.

Once you start to feel emotionaly close to your partner, you fear intimacy and take steps to ruin the relationship. This isn't a conscious process, now.

The thing is that you can't really take this as a genetic thing. Men and women are wired differently when it comes to sex, on an evolutionary basis that i don't want to get into because the explanation is a little long. Suffice it to say that a lot of research has been done in this area.

For me, it got better when I finally told someone about the two times I was raped. i had told my parents about teh first time, when I was 12, but the second time, I felt so guilty that I never told anyone because I thought it must've been my fault since it's happened twice. I sat down and told my fiancee when we first started dating. I realized taht I love him and I wanted him to know the truth. I felt a lot better about myself afterwards and we'll have been together a year this August.

So talking about your experience might be a good way to deal with it.

June 22, 2000
10:50 am
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Ekelly
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Cici - Thank you for your opinion. I have told my boyfriend about the rape, but I cant be totally truthful because of my wanting to have affairs. Did you see a counselor about your rapes? I just want to have a healthy relationship. I dont want to feel the need to be with other men anymore. I cant control it. I know its wrong but even if I dont act upon it I still think about it and I dont want to do that anymore. I sometimes think that maybe thats the way I am and I have to accept it and live with it. I dont want to believe that though cause that will not make me happy to never have a truly faithful and honest love in my life. I feel like I am not normal. I wont do different things in bed with my mate, but I will when I am with the one I'm having an affair with. I just fed up with the constant guilt and not being able to make up my mind. I have a child that I have to think about too and that makes it even harder. I'm attracted to a man from another state and I have been thinking about moving, just leaving my whole family and the life that I know and starting over, I am also attracted to my boyfriends friend and that is not a good thing at all. My boyfriend is really wonderful and has a lot to offer me so why cant I just be happy. I dont want to hurt him. Yet when I think of leaving him it scares me cause I am not an independent person at all. Thank you for listening to me

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