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Advise needed
May 7, 2004
10:07 am
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slowlearner
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Is it true, "once a cheater, always a cheater"

May 7, 2004
10:31 am
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lewis
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what like, a cheater don't change his spots?

May 7, 2004
10:35 am
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Alena
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I don't think you can generalize like that...so many variables need to be considered...sometimes people have lots of reasons for doing what they do, others just "do it"...with no concern for anything or anyone. Depends on the person, I think in your gut if you really know the cheater, you know if they will do it again...but do you want to admit it...

May 7, 2004
10:43 am
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CAMER
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I agree with Alena....it depends if
a person "regularly" cheats with no
respect to anyone...or if they cheated for a reason and only did it
once.....I don't beleive in the
"once a cheater/always a cheater"
saying..it all depends on the person and their history.

May 7, 2004
10:48 am
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why me 32
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I agree with Alena.

I'd say you have to look at the character of the person who did the cheating. Would it be out of character for the person to cheat? If not, the person will probably cheat again somewhere down the road. Also, look at the circumstances around the incident.

I know a couple where the husband cheated on the wife once years ago, but the wife was working two jobs and was having female problems (endometriosis). The husband was continually asking her to relax, to quit one of her jobs, anything, but she didn't. He got extremely frustrated and started drinking every day. This guy is not much of a drinker, so it didn't take much for him to get drunk. He ended up cheating on her one night, but he felt immediately guilt-ridden and admitted the affair to his wife sometime that week. They worked through it and went to marriage counseling, etc. She quit one of her jobs. She got a new GYN doctor and got her problem taken care of, and since then they have been very, very happy. In fact, I don't know of many couples as devoted to each other as these two people are.

Just remember this saying.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

May 7, 2004
10:48 am
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to me - it doesn't matter if *I* wanna admit it (to myself, you mean alena?) - but - rather "actions tell the story" - then again , sometimes it's all or - only - about "settling the score" with someone ... anyhow , I don't like cheating cuz I feel it would burden me too much and I don't like to live that way. Not cheating on me that's my main concern -

more, more 🙂

May 7, 2004
11:56 am
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fairy99
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I have a very close friend whom I know has been cheating on his wife the whole 19 years they have been married. I think that people like that can change if they want to but most of the time once a cheater always a cheater. We all make mistakes in life but to continue is crazy and dangerous. I wish I had the courage to tell his wife everything because no matter what I am just as guilty as he is for knowing. I have been wrestling with that guilt for a very long time.

May 7, 2004
12:35 pm
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Anonymous
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I don't think that people can change that easily, they have to truly want to, and most people don't want to change, they just feel bad because they get caught, I mean think about it, people who cheat regularly, they are only sorry when they get caught. I think that the circumstances affect the situation though. I mean the reasons for cheating. Not that any reason is good.

May 7, 2004
12:36 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Hmmm,,,I personally don't trust someone who I know has cheated. I hate to generalize also, but if they do it once......I just don't think I would trust them TOO much.

May 7, 2004
1:27 pm
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fairy99
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It's hard to trust someone you know has cheated. My friend for 20 years just treats it like it's part of his normal routine. He's been caught several times but apparently his wife isn't too concerned or she would do the smart thing and boot him to the curb. It's always on your mind and unfortunatly it gets in the way when your trying to fix things, but I believe that real unconditional love can endure anything.

May 7, 2004
1:43 pm
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fairy99
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It's the hopeless romantic in me.

May 7, 2004
2:14 pm
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Alena
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"do you want to admit it"...

I should have said, "accept it"...

If your gut tells you he is a "cheater" in all aspects of his life, his moral ground, his sincerity, his maturity, his age, his respect for you and others, and himself, .....his past history....if you know all that...and accept it...then you are setting yourself up for something you know is likely to happen again. Then, if you know all that, and accept it, I would say, yes, once a cheater, possibly and probably always a cheater...

But again, people do change, I believe they do change in some cases.
Some for the good, some for the bad.
Many times, just life alone changes us...it's just too complicated to stick into one lump group and call them "lifer" cheaters...

You just never know, that's why you do your best to pick and choose and keep your standards high when looking for someone to whom you can give your trust and your heart...if you give it away lightly, you can lose it just as lightly.

May 7, 2004
2:16 pm
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Alena
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Slowlearner...do you have a particular case in point? Are you trying to come to grips with a cheater?

May 8, 2004
11:17 pm
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Honestly, I only ever cheated only ever cheated on someone once... and then never again... does this make ME a cheater? I don't think so. It was a one time deal, I told my boyfriend about it and though it remains a painful memory for both of us, it is small potatoes in the big picture. So much was going on at the time, our future was uncertain, I wasn't myself, yadda yadda yadda. I'm not excusing myself, but it sure did knock me down a peg from being someone who would say "I would NEVER do that to somebody," to being someone who has a little more insight and empathy as to why people might do such things sometimes.
It made me feel crappy about myself, so that much I also learned. No matter what the impulse, I know if such a circumstance arises that I have this experience to look back on and consider. It really damaged my self esteem- even more than it damaged my relationship or hurt my boyfriend.

May 9, 2004
4:34 am
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gingerleigh
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It's funny, I grew up in a cheating environment. My mother had an affair from the time that I was 10 until I moved out at 17. And when she left my father for this other man, all the tongues in town were wagging about her and her wicked ways. Bullshit. No one said a word when the cops were called after he beat her black and blue year after year.

And for people who feel burdened knowing that affairs are happening in other marriages outside of their own, please bear in mind that you don't know the whole story, and let it go.

May 9, 2004
7:43 am
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Alena
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Yes Ginger, you just never know. And really, if you're not one of the participants, you don't need to know...just worry about yourself.

I think anyone could probably cheat at any time, circumstances being right...it's the continuation of that behavior that would indicate if you're just a cheater and always will be..

I know two people in my immediate family who were married for 40 and 50 years, and each cheated one time, and only one time with what they thought were desperate reasons...and to this day, they beat themselves up with guilt...in one case the spouse knew and they still lived on together, in the other case, that spouse never found out...and they stayed married and he affair ended.

May 9, 2004
9:31 am
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slowlearner
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Yes, Alena, my ex had 5 affairs in the last 5 years of our relationship. But on the fifth, I caught him in bed with this woman. Then he went to dry out center, admitted he was an alcoholic. Blamed everything on the illness. When we were in counselling he told her that it was like one, no breaks,just one long one. ( what the F*** is that?) He went into a program...when he came out I agreed to stand by him in his recovery and work on the relationship for a year. It was recommed not to make any big changes in the first year.

In program, he became attached to this woman. He said she was the only one he could talk to. blah blah blah. They became very close inspite of my request not to do so without me being there. But not...they supported each other, traveled (about 2 hours) during their recovery. They would spend weekends together. I mean she even stayed over at our house when I thought she was going to say at a female friends...During this period I was told that my feelings were my feelings and I had to deal with them...Opps, forgot, don't do that well. I slid right into a depression. Our communication totally broke down. One day he came home from work and told me to get out,not to be there when he got home from his meeting...I did...I thank God for that..
So, during this last year I have been working on myself. Very hard.
We had very little contact up to a couple of weeks ago. He left a message on my voice mail saying I was right...he shouldn't have carried on with this woman the way he did. Now he want to see me again. I told him that I wasn't sure that I was ready,didn't know if I was strong enoph yet, but he said that I won't know unless I tried it. Well, I'm thinking he is hoping that I am weak. He wanted me to go visit our dog that we had to give away. I know that seeing the dog will give me warm fuzzys, and not to mistake them from him....oh, well. worried for nothing...had to work could go. But I know there will be a next time...and yes it worries me....Thanks for listening.

May 9, 2004
10:11 am
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slowlearner
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During our first five years was like living in a fairy tale. I was so happy, I didn't know happy like that. Growing up in an Alcoholic home, teenage mom, married an abusive ACAA stayed for 15 years, had two children. Guess what, they were very angry boys. They even liked him at first. My oldest even said that he had never seen me so happy. As I look back, things started to turn a long time ago, I just couldn't see it then. But anyhow, he had his issues witht the boys and they of him. I thought it was part of blended family stuff. My family grew to have issues with him, but I thought they didn't understand him.( according to him of course)

During our last five years we were on our way to where we wanted to retire. My parents moved to the same city.( it was where my parents wanted to be during there last years) Which turned out to only be one. They both passed within three months. What a blow....my grieving process didn't go well, I was diagnosed with post tramatic stress syndrome. So when I confonted him on some of his actions, he talked his way out of them. I got my shit together with lots of help and sole searching....went back to school. Was in my second year when I caught him in bed with the last one. Ya, guess I was a little preoccupied to notice all the signs. But I thank God for the ones I have seen, and ask him every day to show me more. I also thank God for this site, for a long time now, every time I have an issue to think about I find myself here, and up until now I have found someone else who has gone threw the same things. I am not alone, thank you for all the shareing.

May 9, 2004
11:08 am
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slowlearner
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ok, now he has sent a text message on my cell phone. "happy mother's day" Panic is starting to set in. I'm thinking too much about him...I don't think we can live in the same worlds anymore. How will I know if he is all the way there in his recovery? Honest, no longer selfcentered, and all of those characteristics...

May 9, 2004
3:47 pm
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gingerleigh
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Were you happier with him or without him?

May 9, 2004
6:50 pm
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slowlearner
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I thought I was happy at the time, but looking back, there was no honesty, respect, and I think his affection was more manipulation thatn affection. My fear is not to recognize his manipulation.

May 9, 2004
7:44 pm
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Alena
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Geez GL, I'm so sorry for the way that sounded about worry about yourself, ...sounded kind of like I was talking to you and I wasn't, you know, I just meant in general, not you specifically.....sorry kiddo, I hope you know I didn't mean it like it sounded.....duh, perhaps I should do that "re-read your stuff before you hit send" thing...?

May 9, 2004
7:53 pm
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Alena
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Slowlearner,

Okay, with a little more info on him as you've provided...I don't know kiddo. ....if it was me? I would not let myself see him or communicate or anything...I don't trust him.

He has cheated and hurt you over and over, the last time telling you to get out, AFTER YOU STOOD BY HIM....huh! how hurtful, rude, inconsiderate, mean, and unloving.

Nope, I would be done with him, I would be continuing to move on....as you have been while he's been out of the picture.....just my opinion Slow...

May 9, 2004
11:48 pm
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annastar
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My b/f live with another woman. I hate it, but I can not change it. Everyone at some point would say to me, “If he cheating on her with you- how can you know- if she go away, he will not cheat on you with some one else?” Well- this can be long discussion. I guess- I comfort myself by thinking- this is special situation- things just happened this way, and I am so special- he can not leave me. The problem is that in reality- he does not love me enough to be just with me, so- I really don’t know if I will be able to keep him around. I am afraid- if one of us go away, it will ruin balance and he will looking for replacement…Does it make sense?

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