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advice?
March 13, 2001
10:12 am
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nan
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I've been married over 20 years. My husband tries, knows what he's doing (occasional porno, raging, etc.), but I'm not sure he can help it--counseling, med, etc. has been of limited utility. If it weren't for my children, I'd leave. As it is, I know they're being affected, but they'll also be affected if there is a divorce. I have given up a career, and enjoy that part of my life: being around for my family, working part-time, pursuing my art. If I divorce, I can't continue to live in this expensive community, and the children will also have that disruption (loss of friends, school,etc). I don't want to trade one set of problems for another, possibly more destructive set. How do I sort all this out? Has anyone experienced success after this long, and as many attempts as we've already made?

March 13, 2001
9:59 pm
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Molly
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Well, it sounds like you have managed to survive, and although not the dream marriage, it seems to be working. How old are the kids? I would save every spare dime that you have. For the what next. I would put my foot down when its time, and not back off. Perhaps you do back off and that is why the behavior continues. You don't sound concearned with the porno, it must not be excessive, and the rage, sounds like your all used to it, and blow it off. No physical violence? Then you make your life with what you have. I acknowledge the thought you are giving to saving the marriage, divorce is hell, and it would be you and the children, and most of your art that would suffer. No pain, no change. It sounds boring and routine, but not painful. Try Phil MCGraws books.

March 14, 2001
7:29 am
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janes
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I agree with Molly but think I would insist he continue counseling and meds even if it is of limited assistance.

Family too. Kids need to understand the rages and that they don't have to be that way.

divorce would be a disruption.

I don't think I'd place as much value on the expensive community but that's a personal choice.....

It does sound like you are making do very well.

March 14, 2001
9:25 am
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nan
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I found it quite painful, just reading the two replies. First, I don't place a value on "expensive communities'; I only meant to point out that I couldn't afford to live here where the children could go to their same schools. Secondly, I know as a capable woman, I'm making do quite well, but only because I've put aside everything that I wanted in this marriage and accepted the pain and disappointment--No one marries, expecting to finally reach a point of complete distrust and loathing. My children are ages 8-14. I worry about what they're learning about marriage and relationships. As far as counseling for the kids--we can hardly afford counseling for the "identified patient". I get the impression I''m older than most of the others I've read on the website: Isn't there anyone else who can identify with the pain that's dulled by years of constant disappointment, anxiety and betrayal?

March 14, 2001
5:48 pm
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vic3ca
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September 29, 2010
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Nan l can identify with the pain your going threw.
Because like you l have been giving a lot of empty promise's.
You see i have been with my man for 14 years . lately thing are getting to a point where l can not trust or belive anything he is saying . for some time i have been feeling i am giving more to this relationship then he is. l seem to be getting more angry and wonder if i will ever be able to trust in him again. i also have a 12 year that will be hurt if i choose to leave. i really would like to remain with him and work it out
but i don't know how to trust .you see he say that he wants to work thing out but his action are telling me otherwise.l can provide for my son but like you he will have to do with out thing that he is used to getting because 2 income are better then one. just wanted to let you know that someone else is feeling the same as you.}

March 15, 2001
8:17 am
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nan
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Dear vic3ca:
Thank you for your understanding reply. I see you know how complicated decisions can be, how important everyone involved in it is. I've been reading a lot about boundries lately. It's hard to know where to draw the line in one relationship when it affects everyone else. I know my husband is trying, but there is such a history of betrayal, and he wants to be #1 in my life, ahead of the kids. That just isn't going to happen, ever--Especially not considering the dismal state of our relationship. But thanks for taking the time to reply--I feel much less old (I'm not really so old!) and alone.
nan

March 15, 2001
10:15 am
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looking for help
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Nan like you my husband also want to be number 1.
l have all way try to find a balance between the 2 {my family life and him} Lately as i was saying i am having difficult time of this because i feel i am losing my own self worth. you see i feel there is something going on in his life that he is unwilling to tell me about .and i feel that in a relatiionship there should be no secret . i am losing my trust for him. like you i am trying to find out how to get the trust back.after so many times of being hurt how can l. We have had a few long talks and we are trying to set a once a week time alone maybe dinner or a movie . to see if we can reunited what once was.i know that l have to try and work this out with him not only for my son but for me . because even with all the betrayal for some reason i still love him.hopefuly this is going to work. with these time alone i hope we will be able to talk to each other about want we are feeling and wanting in this relationship. He will have to understanding that my son will allways be number one. . and that i will not be able to give up on myself. i have taken all the hurt that one can take. thank-you for allowing me to post with you

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