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Advice would be appreciated!
October 2, 2009
11:40 am
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tanneb
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I have been in a relationship for about 18 months. I have noticed alot of anxiety on my end at times. We probably spend too much time together which is more than likely a co-dependent thing. He is on medicine for bi-polar. Most of the time he is a nice guy but every so often we have a fight and break up for short periods of time, the longest being 5 weeks. A week after we broke up recently he already had a couple of dates with a woman. Is that normal to pretend to be devastated about a breakup and have a date in seven days with someone else? I am conflicted about this. He tells me I am the love of his life and how beautiful I am, etc. and treats me well most of the time but will start a fight over something really stupid and storm off for days. I don't know why I put up with this behavior. The last break up was bitter sweet because I missed him but I had free time to myself which was nice. Even though we get along great I always seem to have this feeling of impending doom and anxiety several times throughout every day. I have been divorced for many years and have had a few relationships and never these issues so I am unsure if it is me or him. He has been a recovered alcoholic for the past 12 year or so. He has history of mental illness in his family and has no contact with his kids because they say he is a jerk. His last relationship he lived with a woman for several years and never married her. They broke up after several years, got back together for several months and then broke up for good. I have also caught him in small lies which makes me not trust him. I have turned into a person that I do not like, checking his phone, etc. I guess I don't trust him because he will tell me he hasn't talked to his ex at all and then I will see he had a 10 minute conversation with her the day before. Am I crazy....or is he? I know he isn't "cheating" because he is always with me but something is not adding up.....

October 2, 2009
11:51 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Trust your gut. Someone once asked me if I would rather have the 'certainty of pain or the pain of uncertainty'. This guy is keeping you on an emotional roller coaster and you deserve better.
Get off now while YEARS

Bitsy

October 2, 2009
4:15 pm
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atalose
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That’s a good one Bitsy….would you rather have the certainty of pain or the pain of uncertainty….......and the fact is, we do have that choice.

Tanned…trust your gut, something is a miss and your going to hurt yourself further trying to figure out “exactly” what it is.

You already have all you need to know, you have his history – a history filled with break ups and make ups.

He lies to you.

His own kids don’t want any contact with him.

Sounds to me like he causes drama over little things in order to break away from the relationship and date other people.

Words and actions don’t seem to be equal, he’s “says” he’s devastated about the break up but yet he out on dates.

And just because he is always with you doesn’t mean he isn’t cheating, you already know he’s talking to his old girlfriend, emotional cheating is still cheating.

All of this in just a short 18 month time period. I wouldn’t waste any more time or invest yourself further because this is as good at it’s ever gonna get with this particular guy.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 7, 2009
7:21 pm
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trainwreck
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All I had to do was read what you said about him. He is dysfunctional and needs help but not from you. Drop him and do something for yourself. Maybe if you take care of yourself first then you will realize what you do need and what you don't. You are asking for trouble if you stay with him. When a person is desperate he or she will do desperate things.

October 7, 2009
8:17 pm
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CraigCo
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tanneb,

He hasn't demonstrated any interest in changing, so until he does you are merely wasting time better spent on fixing yourself. Breaking up, getting back together, catching him in lies, checking his cell ph log are all fruitless endeavors.

From my experience, it's an emotional roller coaster living with an alcoholic, sober or not. Try to take the reins & find some serenity. Staying with this person will only continue bringing you down IMO.

Crg

October 8, 2009
10:14 am
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_anonymous
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tanneb- I was with a person that had similiar issues to the one you described. There is not upside to being in a relationship with someone who is a recovering alcoholic, manic depressive, etc.

You say he compliments you then he quickly gets involved with other females, lies etc. With a person like this dont listen to their words look at what they are doing. The bottom line is you dont trust him nor should you. The foundation of all relationships is trust.

You will never be able to make sense out of his nonsense.

You asked "am I crazy...or is he". The result of you and him equals crazy making.

October 9, 2009
10:45 am
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StronginHim77
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I am guessing that what you are hearing on these posts is not what your heart LONGS to hear.

Most of us on these threads are in varying stages of recovery from toxic relationships, such as the one in which you currently find yourself. Some are struggling to face the pain of inevitable break-up. Some have already taken that giant step back from their toxic partner and are adjusting to life without the pain, drama and chaos. And that's not always easy, once we're used to it.

Some are still in the relationship and trying to find some way -- any way -- to "fix the unfixable." We just aren't ready to stop "dancing the dance" with a partner who has serious issues, mentally or emotionally.

Each of us has to grow at our own pace. The more you read the threads on this site, the more you will learn about what others are facing and the growth steps they are making to become stronger, make better choices and find peace.

Keep reading. I believe you know in your heart what the prospects are for this relationship working out happily. But I also believe you are not ready to let go of the false hope that if you loved him enough, tried hard enough, did the right things long enough, he would change and love you the way you need to be loved.

Please keep posting. Read. Read. Read. Join a CODA group. Seek private counseling/therapy, if you can, to help you understand why you are so enmeshed with a partner who cannot meet your reasonable need for stability and consistent love.

We do understand. Most of us have been in your shoes at one point or another.

- Ma Strong

October 9, 2009
10:49 am
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StronginHim77
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P.S. I chose to remain in a toxic relationship for a long time, despite having terrible anxiety, sleep disturbances, skin rashes...even gum trouble (caused by stress). I wound up in the ER several times with panic attacks and was LIVING on valium, before I finally stepped back and severed the relationship with the tormenter I loved who made my life hell. Since leaving him, I no longer suffer from the anxiety, sleep disturbances, skin rashes, gum trouble or panic attacks. My blood pressure has returned to happy levels (112/70 - pretty good for a woman in her fifties!).

Your health will take a positive turn upwards when you free yourself of this torment. Until then, it will suffer from the stress you are trying to carry.

- Ma Strong

October 10, 2009
10:50 am
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Lanigirl
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As usual Ma S., you hit the nail on the head. I do agree that although I know the truth for myself, somehow I think someone else will tell me something different.

Tanneb,

These folks said it all. Focusing on what he needs doesn't do anything. See about focusing on what you need by finding some counseling, CODA groups, etc.

Let me mention that it's uncomfortable being in counseling and reading some books about my addictive behavior. Sometimes all the processing has me in a daze. But the pain sure beats staying addicted because that has kept chaos in my life.

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