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Advice thought on codependent wife
November 14, 2006
7:32 pm
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MrTwin10
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My wife is a wonderful person! Through councilng she discovered she was co-dependent. We've been married a short while, but she apparently kept things under wraps. She has alternatively told me that she wants to divorce, then literally two hours later told me she doesn't want to do so. She loves me, but she can't hurt me she says. This merry go round had gone on for the past six months or so.

So I started doing some reading on co-dependecy and read some of these threads. What do I do to help her? She won't tell me when she's upset about something, but then it is my fault for not "hearing her." I've told her that she can yell, scream, throw dishes if she gets mad to help get it out of her system but she doesn't want to do that. She would rather keep it inside. It is an endless circle. I WANT to help. I WANT her to know she can show her emotions. But she won't even try.

Help?

November 14, 2006
7:57 pm
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mj
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Be Loving and Kind to your wife and allow her time to work through her issues. Be supportive. If the merry go round becomes to much, seek professional guidance as well. Trust your wife and her counselor to work together on HER ISSUES.

November 15, 2006
1:33 am
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MrTwin10
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Thanks for the advice, MJ. It does become difficult. She moved out, from my view, just out of the blue. Sure there were disagreements, but what mariage is without? She sent me an e-mail to tell me she wasn't coming home from work. This has been going on for several months. We went to a councillor, but after a great session she told me she wanted the divorce. Two days later she changed her mind. I've been trying to "date" her (movies, dinner) and she's even spent some overnights with me. If I tell her I want a cheese pizza and she wants sausage, she starts accusing me of trying to pick a fight. She will frequently then use the fight or flight scenario; it is easier for her to run than to deal with anything.

Anyone have any other suggestions? I can be loving and supportive, but how can I do that from afar?

November 15, 2006
7:34 am
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Robert123
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Mrtwin, have you ever considered the possibility that you may also be just a bit codependent? The little that you have shared sounds very codependent to me. If we can keep the focus on ourselves and the work that we need to do, it sets others free to take care of their own stuff. Take a look at http://www.codependents.org.

November 15, 2006
8:36 am
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lovetocrochet
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I agree, many times codependents will end up together because it's familiar and comfortable. It's not a criticism, just how it is.

I also suggest CODA. Haven't been in it myself but I am in a couple of 12-step groups for other issues and they have been helpful.

If she won't go, go for yourself so you can learn how to simply let go and let her be. She's not going to heal or become healthier any faster than she's ready.

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