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advice please broken hearted
October 25, 2006
9:20 pm
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samantha j
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Im an old member who hasnt been on here for a while just hoping for some advice and to chat.
I have been in a long distance relationship for the last 8 months when i met this man it felt like love at first sight he seemed everything i wanted and he later told me he felt the same we seemed to click. We didnt get together for a few months until i saw him again. Things went as well as they can go for a long distant relatinship until he started to get cold feet. Everytime we are about to meet up again for more than a week or so he said hes gets doubts and is not sure anymore and makes up excuses which are crap because we get along so well. I gave him an ultimatum a few days ago and said make up your mind or its over and he still couldnt decide but yet claims to love me. It really messes with my mind and we broke up last night as i said i cant take this anymore. Im sure hes got a commitment phobia but i cant help but still want him back. Our relationship was great apart from the long distant relationship which i was prepared to move to where he lives and he knows that.

Any advice i really want him back?

October 25, 2006
9:47 pm
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cyndra820
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Hi Samantha,

Welcome back. I'm a newbie, only been here about two weeks.

I'm sorry about your long distance relationship ending. I was in one for two years. They are hard. The longest my xso and I visited was 18 days.

I know you want him back because you love him, but where can this go? Did you get along so well because of the distance? What do you get from the relationship?

I know I am asking a lot of questions, but I think this is an opportunity to examine the relationship and see what was working and what wasn't.

Regards,
Cyndra

October 25, 2006
11:45 pm
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kirikiri
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the time apart you have is good space to let you both think.
if love reigns it will connect you both and you'll live happy ever after together.
true love never fails.

October 26, 2006
5:34 pm
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Rasputin
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Unfortunately no amount of threat or promise will change a man and make him make up his mind...if he's not interested.

I would recommend you, Sam, to keep a low profile and to not contact him or give him any ultimatum. If this man is really into you, he will contact you. Otherwise, leave him, he is not worthy of you.

There is someome is out there for you and you will meet him someday.

Blessings, Ras~

October 26, 2006
5:42 pm
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on my way
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Well, as Rasputin says you can't change him or make him think any differently. He needs to decide on his own without your input as to what he can handle and what he can't.

I would strp back if I were you and let him have his way. You don't want to "help him change his mind" or "help him think differently", and given some time on his own it would be best if HE thought of how much he loves you, and perhaps see a professional for a short while to work through any fears he may have. If you are important enough to him, then he will do that. But you don't want to fall into that "counselor" role with him...let someone of his choice do that instead.

Step back, live your life, pray for him, and do your best to be happy for now is what I think is best. IT may not be easy or feel good, but in the long-run, you may be glad you did, no matter what the outcome.

October 27, 2006
8:51 am
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2alone
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I'm in a long distance relationship and I've been the one with cold feet lately...which is turning out to be justified (but enough about me) My point is - the more I pull away from him by not answering the phone, keeping contact short, saying I'm not sure - the more he pursues me. My guy friends say its just a natural reaction for men to want what they can't conquor. I don't like games in relationships - but if you really want him you can try it. Or - it may just explain why you feel you need him so much - because he's pulled away from you. Food for thought.
Good luck - and remember there is more than one right man for you in this world.

October 27, 2006
9:01 am
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taj64
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My simple advice is to get out. How can this work? You deserve to have a relationship that is full time, and have much more than this limited contact and commitment phobia involved. There are plenty of men out there that probably live right near you that you can feel attracted to, feel loved, etc. Your relationship has only been 8 months and probably most of it has been away. Sounds good with the feelings and all but not not really realistic. Things don't always work out once you do spend more time together, Im not sure that has really been tested out and tested out for a long period. It takes a lot of time to truly know if a person is right for you. It sounds as if you get along well because you don't spend time together. It might be competely different otherwise. I mean I get along great with people I don't spend a lot of time with. They don't know all the good and the bad and the real and it is superficial if you know what I mean. It just might be a sign that this man is not for you since he is already expressing cold feet without even having really spend a lot of time with you. I hope you take the time to deal with your emotions even if they are really sad right now. They will pass. You deserve a man that can actually be there for you. It is worth waiting for.

November 2, 2006
10:34 pm
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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i must admit, long distance rarely works out...a relationship need both people around each other physically...not digitally.

November 2, 2006
11:31 pm
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if he finds you´re distancing yourself from him (pulling away) - HE makes himself availabe to you

- as soon as you are acting available to him ... he retreats again ... pulling away ...

who´s the cat? who the mouse ? (role-reversal etc).

November 3, 2006
1:52 pm
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taj64
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Plus they could stink to high heavens you know, really bad body odor and what would you be stuck with then?

Seriously, true intimacy is formed with a live person. You have no way of knowing if you truly do connect unless you have met the person. It is extremeley awkward even when you meet people in realy life before you date. It takes a few dates (at least for me) to be comfortable. Everyone has a different comfort level. How can you truly be comfortable without having met the person. People do lie on the internet. They can put old photos on there or ones that make them look different than what you truly are. I know beauty is not only skin deep but let's get real, there has to be some physical chemistry and only way to know is to be with that person. A person body language can give off signals as well. You don't get that over a phone. It is hard lesson to learn but next time SEE the person and get to know them.

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