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advice on what to do-sexually abused
July 1, 2009
11:25 am
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tryingtoheal..
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my therapist does not know that i cut. my mom told her when we first met that she thought i was cutting on my arms b/c one of her friends kids got introuble and i had nothing to do with it but they tried get themself out of so much trouble. but i dont cut on my arms )i cut on my legs) so that was resolved. i trust my therapist and i like her alot.

the person who abused me hes my "uncle" not by blood but close enough to my family that we had to call him our uncle.

that link really helped. thank you moon & stars.

my uncle is a retired police officer... and he to took me on alottt of vactions or atleast had me sleep over his house almost every weekend and if i wasn't sleeping over his house he was at mine. 2-3 a week he would come over for dinner and then "tuck me into bed"

and it's not that i dont want my mom to never find out.. i just know i need to do it at my pace..step by step and i want to talk to my therapist and start to heal before i jump into telling my mom.

July 1, 2009
11:48 am
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Hi Trying to Heal:

It is much clearer now, why you are being so cautious about the authorities. Your abuser was among the "authorities." Did he threaten you to keep quiet? You are being self protective and that is good.

I am glad you like and trust your therapist. I agree that you have to proceed at a pace comfortable to you. Perhaps you can talk to your therapist about the laws for disclosure about abuse in your area. And then, maybe you can talk to her about the cutting. I am glad that you try to talk to your friend when you feel the urge to cut. Little by little, the issue of the abuse can be introduced to your therapist.

There is a book called "Courage to Heal" that may be of some help to you. But you will want to read it slowly and preferably while working with your therapist.

You are courageous to start exploring ways to help yourself heal. Keep taking small steps. You are going to feel so much better in the future. And you are SO worth the effort!

Take good care of yourself.

Moon & Stars

July 1, 2009
12:38 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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he threatemed me through manipulation. he flipped everything on me and told me that it was normal and that it ahd to be a secret or i'd be the one to get introuble.

okay thank you next time im at a book store i'll try to look for it.

thank you
trying to heal

July 1, 2009
2:32 pm
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Calamity Jane
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You poor child! My heart breaks for your pain and the horror of what you have been through. No human should have to suffer like that.
And, by all means get help....tell your parents (mom)- get some adults involved because you have to break the cycle of abuse.
My son was raped at 5 by a family member and I know the impact that this kind of thing can have on a person. When he was 12 he, in turn, sexually molested a younger girl. As a result, he went for two years to sexual counseling to learn about the cycle of abuse. It's not about sex at all but rather about control. You need to take back control and end the abuse. You're really going to have to dig deep to deal with this but it can be done. But not without support. Please get some help from a professional qualified in this area. You need to trust someone enough to be able to divulge everything. And hopefully you can share with your Mom. I know how hard it is as a parent since I've sat on both sides but one thing I do know is that the love of a mother for her child transcends almost anything and she will want only the best for you.
Most of all, the abuse needs to stop. I'm not sure if it's still going on but if you can't trust your current therapist, find one you can and keep looking and trying until you find that one who will help you heal.
I'm glad you have a friend to talk to but you need more than that - believe me.

July 1, 2009
2:49 pm
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Calamity Jane
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P.S. to my previous response. Yes, there are people to help you thru this and yes, it can be worth it to go to court. Think about this - whomever abused you may well be doing that same thing to others. And, unfortunately, as I mentioned with my son, often and abused becomes the abuser. I would hate that for you! Not sure of your relationship with your Mom but you need to trust someone with this. You can heal in time and can be whole and happy again. Life is precious and way too short to waste feeling so lousy.
When my son was raped I did involve the authorities and even tho I was alienated by the rest of the family, I knew I was doing the right thing. I forced the one who raped him to get help so he would stop abusing. And even tho my son went on to have continued problems and abuse someone himself, over time and with good counseling he has become a good man with a nice wife and life. I know he remains haunted by the past but not to the point that it overshadows his life...just something that will always be there but that he now understands. And, best of all, the cycle was broken! Good luck

July 1, 2009
2:55 pm
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2BHAPPY
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The only advice I can give you is that you need to be free from this and the only way is to tell the authorities. You will remain a victim of abuse if you dont. By coming foward you will be able to get this person help and also save someone else from being abuse.

Coming forward will help you take control of your life and not allow you to remain a victim.

Do not be afraid..there is a lot of help out there. If your mother loves you, she will be glad that you told her and will be your main support system.

If you carry this with you..you will be forward holding on to this. The truth is the only thing that will set you free. I know this is a cliche but its the truth.

Take care and I hope you do the right thing.. Probably feels too much for a 15 year old..I can understand that.

Β 

Β 

2bHappy

July 1, 2009
8:16 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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the abuse has stopped and i rarely see my uncle.

i won't become an abuser... i have withdrawn and refuse to be sexually active unti im ready and have healed and with someone i trust and have been with them for a while.
__________________________________

i have been through a few therapist and i know this is the one who i trust and is the right one to tell.

i just need to get up the courage to tell her... i dont know how to tell her.

like i said early i can talk about it after someone knows.. i just have the most trouble telling them that i was abused.

anyone have ideas of how to tell her?

July 2, 2009
10:56 am
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Calamity Jane
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Dear Trying to Heal,
Sooo glad the abuse has stopped and so glad you are ready to tell your therapist - big and VERY important step in your life. Just be brutally honest - tell her of your hesitancy in revealing this information and how you trust her.

And, much as I hate to say it, the abuser must be stopped. Especially in his position as one who is tasked with serving and "protecting" us! How many others out there hurt like you because of him?

You are a very brave and courageous young lady and I hope you understand how this is NOT your fault. You are wise beyond your years but are clearly in deep pain. I hate the thought of how much you hurt and I know the "cutting" relates to that pain as well. Talk to you therapist about that too, if you haven't already.

You are a survivor and with help, you will get thru this too. But you must try to make sure he is stopped. Your "uncle" will continue this behavior until someone speaks up. I firmly believe you have the strength to do whatever is necessary to expose him and his heinous behavior. He's a very sick man. I'm sure it won't be easy for you; however, I have confidence in your strength and you must too.

Be well and keep the faith in yourself strong and in what you are doing (which is the right thing).

July 2, 2009
12:23 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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thank you, Calamity Jane. I hope i am strong enough.
today i'm not feeling as if i am.

but i guess i do i have until next wed. the 8th until i see my therapist again to build up my strength.

hopefully i can find it in me to tell her!

July 2, 2009
4:46 pm
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Hello Trying to Heal:

I was the first person a close friend of mine ever told about her abuse. I actually suspected it for quite awhile but I didn't say anything to her. I believed she would share with me with when she was ready to talk. And she did. It was an enormous relief for her. Soon after, she sought professional help and she is doing much better now πŸ™‚

Your therapist may very well already know or have guessed that you were abused. There are often obvious signs of abuse that an experienced therapist will notice. And sadly, statistically, it is very common πŸ™

She may be waiting for you to raise the subject when you are ready. I think you will feel greatly relieved to talk to her, like my friend was. You will release yourself from your emotional prison and start healing. Do it for yourself! You are a survivor.

Moon & Stars

July 2, 2009
8:18 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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I do belive that she knows something is off. for how bad my depression and anxiety is, there is no way that everything she knows could cause it to be half as severe as it is.
i hope that i am able to tell her. i really need this. about ten or twelve of my really close friends know and after my first friends (who it took two years to fully tell her) it was easy for me to tell them. i can always tell who i can trust right off the bat.. btu with my therapist its not that i don't trust her but i don't know what her obligations are.

I dont know how to tell her.

I keep taking it out on myself because I wouldn't be in this situation right now if when I was being abused I told someone.
I know it wasn't my fault that he abused me but I could of atleast stopped it or atleast tried to by telling someone. and then I might not be as screwed up as I am now.

July 2, 2009
8:59 pm
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Honey,

Be gentle with yourself. You were a little girl when it happened. You are STILL very young to be dealing with this problem alone. And you are VERY courageous to be seeking help on your own.

Are you worried that your Mom will blame herself when she finds out? Or are you afraid she won't believe you?

You do need adult support and professional help. I am glad you trust your therapist. You can ask her what her obligations are. That line of questioning will probably lead her to ask you if you need to speak to her about something particular.

Knowing her legal obligations, you will then be able to either tell her about the abuse or tell her that you have a problem you want to discuss but are not yet ready. Or you can be very general and tell her that you had bad experiences when you were little that are affecting you now.

As far as HOW to tell her. You could show her this thread or write her a note, or like my friend did, just blurt it out. It seems you really NEED to tell her. Do you feel like you are going to burst?

I urge you to do what will help YOU. The adults involved will be able to deal with the situation. If it were YOUR daughter who was abused, would you want her to tell or to suffer like you are?

You are very intelligent and you know you need help. You are not "screwed up." You are badly wounded and you need particularly treatment to heal. You will get better. Your life will change and you will be happier.

Moon & Stars

July 2, 2009
9:49 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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I know i was young but still I feel like i could have done something to change where i am now. If i did i wouldn't be suffering as much and there would be NOO chance that my uncle could abuse anyone else.

I'm afraid my mom won't believe me and then when she finally does she will blame herself.

I am going to ask her next time i see her the rules/laws and then go from there.

I feel like if I don't get help soon that I'm gonna go from being in a slow downward spiral to a rapid downward spiral with no way to stop it but to pull the plug.

I would of course want my child to tell me. i would never want anyone to suffer like i am.

July 2, 2009
9:59 pm
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No one can change the past. Focus on the present and what you CAN do to make the present and your future better.

You can also ask your therapist about a support group for teenagers. Peer support can be very helpful.

Do you have your therapist's email? Can you call her or email her and ask her about the regulations? Then you can prepare yourself for your next meeting.

Your Mom may not believe you at first. She may want to deny it because she will blame herself. But she will deal with the self blame.

You were the victim. Don't blame yourself. You need to do whatever is necessary to feel better. Your responsibility is to your own well being.

I hope you will take care of yourself. Your life is too precious to suffer.

Thinking of you.

Moon & Stars

July 2, 2009
10:09 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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I know I need to get my mind out of the past its just hard because the past hasn't stopped haunting me.

my therapist is on vacation so I can not contact her.

after I tell her I will ask about support groups. I do belive that would help me.

Thank you Moon & Stars for all the support and advice.

Trying2Heal

July 2, 2009
10:16 pm
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Once you deal with the past with a professional, it won't haunt you as much and you will move on with your life.

In the meantime, while you are waiting to see her, get REAL busy πŸ™‚ What do you do for fun?

Do you like sports? Have interesting hobbies?

One of the greatest stress/anxiety relievers is a great workout.

Hope you have a fun weekend planned.

July 2, 2009
10:39 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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I play basketball and softball but its neither seasons at the moment.

I hang out with friends..
but i just moved so ive been spending all my time unpacking and setting everything up.

my hobbies mosttly are writing, reading. texting and i love to go for walks. sounds weird but i use to live across from cemetaries and i use to go for few hour walks weekly.. it was the only place where my mind wouldn't totally race. =)

for fourth of july my grandmother is coming to spend the weekend at my house. So it should be somewhat entertaining.oh and of course im going to fireworks.

do you have any fun plans for this weekend?

July 3, 2009
7:09 am
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So you are an athelete πŸ™‚ You can always play basketball. Just get into a pick up game or one on one.

I am not surprised that you like writing. Your prose shows it. Do you journal? I find it to be very helpful for sorting out lots of things.

I think cemeteries are very peaceful places too. I like to visit old ones because of their history and the art of some of the stones.

You have a busy weekend ahead. I am planning on hearing some music this weekend and then spending it with friends.

I hope you have a great day today. Do something nice for yourself πŸ™‚

Moon & Stars

July 3, 2009
12:11 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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i sometimes do journal but not as often as i should. during the school year i did alot though. especially during class.

I enjoy the older ones to. i love to read the stones.

It sounds like you have a nice weekend planned.

thanks i hope you have a great day too! =)

T2H

July 3, 2009
9:43 pm
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Your journaled DURING class??? How boring your classes must be! πŸ˜‰

Thanks! Happy 4th πŸ™‚

M & S

July 3, 2009
11:54 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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indeed! That's high school for ya! 85 minute classes i went through a few notebooks every couple months lol

yes, Happy fourth of July!!

T2H

July 6, 2009
1:51 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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hey everyone... i'm really starting to doubt that i am going to be able to tell my therapist....

i don't know if i'm ready to. but then again will i ever really be ready to?

this has all confounded me and i dont know if i can resolves this yet.

T2H

July 7, 2009
8:51 am
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Hello Trying to Heal:

I think you worked out a good plan for yourself already: talk to your therapist about what her responsibilities are under the law. Then you can decide what you are ready to tell her and when.

At some point you will be ready to talk to your therapist, even if you are not now. Healing is a process which cannot be rushed. You will know when you are ready.

In the meantime, you can ask her to help you with your anxiety and also ask her about a support group for teens with depression without going into the details yet.

Good luck tomorrow. Just remember that to get to a more peaceful and happy life, you will have to deal with the emotional pain. You can do it. You are so worth it πŸ™‚ Hugs.

Moon & Stars

July 7, 2009
3:31 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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Thank you ((moon & stars))

how will i know when i'm ready? like how will i be able to tell that i am fully ready.

my plan keeps slipping from my minding and gets covered with all the stress.

some reason i feel so much pressure that if i don't tell her tomorrow i never will... basically 'now or never'.

i don't even know if i am going to be able to ask her, her obligations. i feel like if i ask her then i'm going to be forced to tell her.. if i ask and say that i have something i need to tell her but i'm not ready yet.. then i feel like it will make things awkward and hard to talk at all...

i need to get it together and stay strong.
Trying to heal

July 7, 2009
4:01 pm
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I think you will know because the pain of keeping the secret will be worse than the fear of telling. You will realize that with sharing will come relief. Remember, YOU did nothing wrong. YOU were the victim of a predator.

Your therapist is a professional. I don't think she will pressure you to talk if you are not ready.

Perhaps you can write down a dialogue of how you would like the session to go. Write down what you would say and what your therapist could possibly respond and then practice your answers to her possible comments. Practicing will help to prepare you.

And one of your answers that you can have ready and practiced is "I am not ready to talk about it yet."

It is not now or never. Be gentle with yourself. She wants to help you.

Take care of yourself.

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