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advice on divorce, please?
November 7, 2009
10:24 am
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hibiscus petal
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We’ve been married only 2 years. I want out. I married for the wrong reasons. He is not physically abusive, but has hurt me emotionally. From that, I suppressed many feelings. He was deployed to Iraq most of our marriage. I cheated on him. We are not living together right now. No kids.

My morality tells me I should try to make things right by sticking it out with him. But maybe I could just use this as something to learn from, and move on toward a healthier future on my own. Both options are scary and confusing.

November 7, 2009
11:47 am
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_anonymous
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What are the benefits of getting out?

What are the benfits of staying?

What has he done to hurt you emotionally?

November 7, 2009
1:21 pm
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StronginHim77
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You did take vows. I would recommend counseling when he returns from his current deployment, before making any decisions. And DEFINITElY do not hook up with other men while he is away. That just makes a bad situation WORSE and more confusing.

You are married. Handle the dissolution of that marriage honorably and responsibly for your OWN peace of mind and heart.

- Ma Strong

November 7, 2009
1:48 pm
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hibiscus petal
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StronginHim, he is back from deployment now. We've tried a few months of therapy, and he won't go anymore. That's when he moved out. I am seeing my own therapist.

He's hurt me emotionally mostly by his words. He has a bad temper and yells and cusses at me. He's also a bit manipulative.

I did not intend on getting involved with another man. And even though that relationship is physically over, I can't get him out of my mind. And I can't help but thinking how he'd make such a better partner for me than my current husband.

I feel like a failure as a wife and companion. I feel lost and hopeless in my own mind. I pray and pray, but no decision gives me any peace of mind.

November 7, 2009
2:50 pm
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StronginHim77
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Did he abandon (desert) you when he moved out or did you ask him to leave?

Does he know you had an affair?

- Ma Strong

November 7, 2009
5:31 pm
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hibiscus petal
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I was planning on moving out. We were fighting so much and I was having a lot of anxiety attacks. But he decided to move out instead. I don't think he liked the idea of not knowing where I would be.

He is still very much wanting to wirk things out with me. I even told him about the affair. He knows I still have feelings for the guy. But he doesnt take any responsibility for the problems in our marriage. To him, everything was good. He always got what he wanted and could treat me how ever he wanted.

November 7, 2009
9:51 pm
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atalose
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I think you already know your marriage is over and guilt is getting the best of you.

You said you married for the wrong reasons, he is emotionally abusive, he was absent, you were lonely and un-happy so you found someone else.

Now that someone else is in your heart and head and I think you are just afraid to tell your husband it’s over and mean it.

The one thing I might caution you about is neither you nor this other guy respected boundaries, the boundary of marriage and that may cause you both problems down the road.

When we usually think the grass is greener on the other side, we find out it’s all mud

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

November 7, 2009
11:22 pm
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hopeinhim
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Hi there,

It is very true atalose......to meet another when another thinks you are still committed to them. No matter what the "state of the union" is, is very indicative of what can happen in the future.

HP - it sounds like you are arguing for divorce. What about your husband did you or do you love? Reconciled marriages can be very rewarding. But, it takes two to do the work.

Peace

November 8, 2009
2:37 pm
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hibiscus petal
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thank you, everyone, for your advice. you're right, i am arguing for divorce. i know that is what i want to do. i guess i am just trying to get confirmation from other people that it is ok if i make that choice.

it seems like such a gray area decision. its not black and white. the answer isn't clear for me.

it is so hard for me to make decisions, especially moral ones... especially big ones about my future ... especially ones that hurt/affect others ... especially ones with no clear cut answer.

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