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Advice on being Co-dependent
March 9, 2000
2:08 am
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Hi, I am 24 male...I grew up in a very messed up family situation, with sexual and physical abuse, as well as verbal abuse.

The problem is I find myself going through the same thing each time I start a new relationship...

First I look for anything and everything that would lead me to believe the person would hurt me, and when i can't find anything I suspect something is wrong anyway.
I always fear everyone will cheat on me or leave me.
I fear they are talking to other people, or loosing interest in me.
the worst part is I will stay home to see what they do online, and wait like a dog for them to call, and when they don't I assume the relationship is over, and they are talking to someone else.

Online I make up a name and try to get them to them to talk to me and see if they are doing it with other people.

I find my thoughts always being about this person, and I can't think of anything else.
My happiness totally depends on that person...I fall apart when this person doesn't call, or say the right thing, and I always assume the worst in everything all the time.
I have no hope in a relationship either, i always assume the person will loose interest and leave me anyway, so what is the use in trying.
I have just started with talk therapy, and I am also going to look into medication, but if you have any advice you can share it would be greatly apriciated.
Respond by e-mail at [email protected]
Thanks!

March 9, 2000
7:25 am
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janes
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Hope you will be returning here as well s talk therapy etc.
Check out the resource list that BROC has started. There are some gret books at reasonable prices in most bookstores that you can carry around with you!!!

You will keep repeating yourself in relationships until you find out what you are all about.

Your dysfunctional upbringing is a key to why you are doing and feeling what you are at this time.

But you are a grown-up now.

Therapy is the most wonderful gift you can give yourself. Keep it up and keep us posted!!!

March 9, 2000
3:07 pm
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BROC
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technoboy,

neat name. hope thats not your real email address, may get alot of people emailing you;0)

anyway, it sounds like you are well on your way here. the BIGGEST thing I see is that you are AWARE! That is 90% of the battle. It is the key, for if you don't have that, you have nothing. You are in the same shit you have always been in. This is not to say still aren't, but now you have the AWARENESS to get you out of the shit. Make sense?

Therapy is the only way my man. Your dysfunction lies within you and you only. A therepaist will assist you in finding what the issues are, and then help you in eliminating them. This isn't something that will just magically work itself out, and no amount of reading will fix it for you. The list of reading materials I recommend is to help educate you on your illness (don't take that the wrong way). The how's, why's, and so on of codependency. But to cure it, therapy is needed to find the culprit, the instigator, the root if you will of the problem. Only then can you fix it.

I have said this many times, but it bears repeating. We are all unique. But when it comes to codependency, we are all the same. However, what has caused your codependency in you may not be what caused it in me. For example. My childhood had none of the stuff yours did. No sexual or physical abuse at least. But my mom went through at least 10 men, including 4 stepfathers. Very unhealthy situation. I suffer, like you, from abandonment issues. DO you see? We have the same disease, but our symptoms are different.

Let us know how your doing-
B-

March 10, 2000
1:49 am
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Thanks for that info brock, I just started therapy...I am on BuSPar for anxiety, and Klonpin for the tough times.
I will be in talk therapy every week until I can take control of my emotions, and my life.
You are right about book, I read and read and read, and I always learn more about my illness, but it never makes me better, just lets me know the problem more, but I am clueless what the real root is...my mom was in relationships where she let the men abuse her, and she needed it to feel loved and I watched this over and over so maybe that added....we shall see, and I'll keep ypu posted!
Thanks!

March 10, 2000
6:38 am
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janes
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Keep reading and reading..it's sinking in...needs to be more ingrained than the relationship addiction you watched your mom perpetuate. What we learn as children is considered "gospel" to our hearts and heads so it will seem like forever before what you KNOW makes a difference in what you DO. And then what you DO will be done only by CONCIOUS CHOICE and will not feel RIGHT cuz it's not automatic (like being messed up).
The more you know about your illness the better equipped you are to defend against it.

You already know the root cause I think you are just to close to it right now to see it. it won't be eaasy but you'll get here.

good luck

March 10, 2000
4:13 pm
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BROC
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technoboy,

Just curious on your age, and how you came about the knowledge you have - the awarness that you have. MOST people never realize a pattern in their relationships, and when they do, they just chalk it up to bad luck. Kind of like your mom. But you saw it, and I am wondering how. A friend, realtive, someone that had been through it before and saw it in you and told you what you needed to do?

Broc-

March 10, 2000
8:43 pm
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No...I discovered this on my own.
I knew these intense feelings aren't normal, and I know that I want to be healthy and not always question everything all the time.
I want to have a meaningful relationship, and I want to be happy,
But that seems like the hardest thing in the world to me.
I also think I choose people that are going to hurt me, which confirms my belifes in why everyone is out to hurt me, I need to break the cycle.
I am 24 since you asked.
Thanks!

March 10, 2000
8:57 pm
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janes
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Choosing people tht hurt does not confirm the "Fact" that people are out to get you...just confirms ou are picking the wrong people...beause you don't yet know how to identify anything else.

Breaking the cycle may mean waiting until you are healthy enough to attract those who are healthy because you are healthy...it'll take time. But it will be worth the wait. Besides..if you an learn to be good company for yourself you will also be good company for someone else

March 11, 2000
12:07 am
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Well everyday I talk to my partner I always have a new issue of the day.
I always have some problem that I need answers to, and I always feel the relationship is doomed even when it isn't.
the only way this relationship will end is if I keep acting out on nothing!.
I obsess and make things issues that aren't issues, and I am getting tired of doing it, and I am sure my person is getting tired of hearing it.
What can I do to stop the negative(faulse) thoughts?
Thanks

March 11, 2000
12:24 pm
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janes
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Every time a negetive thought enters our head conciously banish it with two postive ones...or three.

Of course your person gets tired of hearing it. sounds like you are getting tired of thinking them and saying them.

So...stop yourself...you can be in control.

Sounds like you like drama and the "crisis " of the momnet.

Practice

March 13, 2000
12:39 am
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BROC
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OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

I believe this is what you have. I have done alot of research on this as I seem to have some of the signs myself. Basically, its a chemical imbalance in the brain.....you get something in your head, and the normal cycle for most people repeats itself over and over in your head, UNTIL you get what you need to stop it, eg - answers to your questions you keep asking your partner all the time.....as you said, your obsessing. This is serious, and no amount of affirmations will get rid of it. OCD can only be overcome by medication. No therapy other than diagnoising it will help. However, until you get treated for it, it will affect your therapy for your codependency. It is no big deal. Your not looney. Just need to straighten our the mis-firing in your head. Yes, you can live with it, but do you want too?

B-

March 20, 2000
8:45 pm
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chris-tina
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technoboy200
thanks for sharing your story. reading it really scared me. i felt in many instances like i could have been written about me. i am very scard to talk to therapist about this, but reading your story helped some.

March 25, 2000
11:05 pm
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vanderpool
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I have just recently figured out that I am a codependent person. It was really hard to deal with at first. i have known for a long time that there was something not right about my relationshiops with others.
About 21/2 years ago, i accepted Christ as my Savior. I knew that He forgave my sins but i didn' t understand that i would have to go inside myself and let go of the past. I spent along time doing that and i thought that i had it done. I didn't!! I now understand that in letting go of the past- forgiving others, and most importantly, forgiving myself- was the first step in change my codependent traits. I firmly believe that you have to feel safe and loved to be able to go inside yourself and change behaviors,traits, a lifetime of rights and wrongs.
I don't know exactly what happened when i was younger- i know that i suffer from abandament issues and i was physically and verbally abused- but i do know that if i don't break the cycle my children and granchildren will carry on this trait and this is definitely something that i do not want to pass on. Thanks to all of who have written- just hearing about others really helped me.

March 27, 2000
9:52 am
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wtl
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To Vanderpoool,
It is hard to face the issues that you know are interfering with your life. I have been in denial about some major issues in my life and it's because my whole family has been in denial and so I thought that it was normal. Now the Lord (I am saved also) has opened my eyes to the painful truth that I need to deal with these issues right away. I'ts embarrassing because I feel that other people have been knowing about my dysfunction, but didn't take me aside to help me to face it, they just avoided me. That really hurts, especially when it's people in your church.
Well I know that you are on your way to recovery, and the Lord is so gracious in helping us to heal. You really can trust him to not leave you.
take care

April 11, 2000
11:37 pm
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NatureL
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Hi, so glad you are taking such a mature and level step by doing talk therapy. Facing things is the only way to get through it. Realize it may take awhile but stick with it and don't expect miracles. I wanted to say, as someone who has suffered depression for years, tho I take meds and lead a fairly normal life, don't focus on your problems all day long. Get involved in things that take you away from thoughts of YOU, such as helping others, volunteer work, exercise, hobbies, rollerblading, anything positive. While I know this all sounds trite, do try to get busy doing something else beside focusing on what someone else is doing that may affect you. To thine own self be true. If you have to worry every second about what someone is doing and are wasting so much time checking up on them, then this is a waste of your valuable time. You are a good and valuable person. You had a difficult time, as you said, in your home life. I'm sorry for that. But today is today...and now you have to do the best you can...you seem to be doing the right thing with therapy and reaching out to others. Good luck and remember, don't waste time checking up on others, just get busy doing something positive. Always forward, never backwards. Good luck.

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