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advice needed
December 26, 2001
7:34 pm
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paige
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i dont know where to start..
i have alot of problems.. i always feel bad for myself, always try to pity myself or have someone pity me, i guess.. i have no self-confidence wat so ever... it feels like im never happy anymore.. i use to be happy alll the time.. now it feels like im a totally different person.. it all changed when i met this guy we have been going out for 2 years.. but he makes me happy and were in love... i cant stand to be away from him.. and we dont get to see each other alot.. and thats when i get depressed... i try everythin to possibly see him as much as i can but he works all the time..it feels sometimes i try to act immature or like a baby so he comforts me and so i feel more protected.. my life revolves around him.. i sometimes think i care about him too much or i am obsessed because i will have a fit or attitude if somethin doesnt go my way.. sometimes i cant control my anger and i hit myself, not hard but so he stops me and ill hit other stuff sometimes he will annoy me that bad. on purpose that i will hit him.. he will make me so mad curse at me.. he will tell me to go home and i cant cause i know i will just want him when i get home.. sometimes he will hang up on me when we are on the phone and i think that i could never do that.. its very confusing... he will call me pyscho and the stuff he tells his friends.. they also call me pyscho.and i dont know wat to do.. i want our relationship to work.. also i sometimes fall asleep at his house..he will wake me up to go home but i can never get awake.. he tells me he tries for an hour and i just yellat him to leave me alone.. i sometimes dont know wat im doin because im still sleepin.. the one time i bit his finger because he was tryin to wake me up.. i didnt know i did it.. i dont want to do these things.. but i dont know wat to do..

December 26, 2001
7:44 pm
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Molly
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You sound like you need to do some home work, like look into co=dependency, and get a life apart from him, or your going to suck him dry. A man can't be our everything, we are just way to demanding for that so we need to look out side of them to make us happy. Find a coda meeting, that will give him one nights relief, then hook up at a gym, that should fill some time, and where are the girl friends, just gotta have those to talk to and some one to hear you. So, what about work and school, I hope your still doing those. Give the poor guy some space, and watch that tantrum stuff, might work once in a blue moon, but remember what they do to three year olds now adays, they get time out. No one buys into the baby routine any more, so quit hitting, and biting, hmmmmmmm that is more than playing possum, go home, go to your own bed, give the poor guy some space. If this sounds cruel, sorry but some of our lessons are rough ones. Get some books at the library, there are shelves full. Be a little distant, be a little myterious, be fun, be entertaining, be conversational and intelligent, be independent, be good to you the way you want him to be. For crying out loud, at least go shopping, ok, this too shall pass, that is if you do your work other wise, it will happen with the next one and the next one and the next one.

December 26, 2001
10:30 pm
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paige
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i cant give him much space i see him 2 days a week.. if i gave him more space i wouldnt see him at all..
i dont have any friends..and i feel like i dont want any because all the ever do to me.. if stab me in the back.. they are all ignorant!! its like there isnt a couple good ppl around here.. my friend knows im sittin at home doin nothin.... but she will invite my brother to her house and not me??? nothin makes sense anymore..

December 27, 2001
9:04 am
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harmonygirl
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One of the things I like about visiting here is that I see I'm not alone.
Paige, I understand what you're going through. I see my boyfriend Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday morning. We email each other every day from work but rarely see each other or talk on the phone during the week. I wanted more. I started to email obsessively and when he didn't answer every one I took it personally and got upset. When he didn't call me during the week I would get upset. I would stifle my feelings to avoid saying something to rock the boat. I felt like I had to be a good girl in order for him to love me. Eventually these feelings would boil over and I would errupt like a volcano, yelling, hitting, pushing, acting like a fool. I would buy him gifts, cook for him, help him do yard work, rub his back, run errands for him, take care of him when he was sick. At first I thought I was doing these things just because I love him. When I realized I felt angry because he didn't reciprocate, that's when I knew I had ulterior motives. Not a good thing.
I agree with the others, you need to get your own life and love yourself before you can have a healthy relationship with anyone else. I have realized this myself and have started the journey by reading books, seeking counseling, journaling, getting involved in hobbies and groups (CODA). I realize that I've never had a healthy outlook on life. Never had the skills to communicate and cope properly. I believe that's why my boyfriend and I were brought together, to teach and learn from each other. He's learned a lot from me also about emotional intimacy and caring for other people on more than a superficial level.
Help yourself now so that you don't have to live years in this hell you've created for yourself.

December 27, 2001
8:27 pm
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Molly
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You got the dis-ease. You gotta get better, it just gets worse, take care of your self.

December 28, 2001
3:55 pm
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talbots
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I agree with harmonygirl. I also am dating someone who is committmentphobic and doesn't want to see me during the week. We dated a year then told me
he thought it was best we didn't see each other anymore. Blamed everything on me. Once I read the book "Men Who Can't Love" he was textbook. The closer he gets to me, the more he wants to pull away. I know he loves me and he agreed to go to counseling to help himself. I give him the time and space he needs. I've joined a gym, have a lot of friends who keep me busy. You need a life of your own and be happy with yourself first. I wish you luck, you can do it. I figured I've already been through the worst thing anyone can go through and that was having a spouse pass away ten days before my 37th birthday. I figured helping him with being a committment phobic should be a piece of cake compared to that. It is hard, but I have a lot of hope.

December 29, 2001
11:44 pm
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paige
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i hate my life and the person i am..
we got into an argurment last nite. tells me he is gonna hang up on me. i told him not to.. he says i love u bye... why??? he doesnt call me tonite.. i call after him problem about 20 times now... not exaggerating.. doenst answer!! i dont know why i call him.. after he calls me stupid. bitch pyscho.. im not worth his time.. its my fault because he has cant breath because he has a runny nose, and because he was suppose to go to sleep.. tells me he just wants to do somethin really stupid like get drunk (promised me he never would) so maybe i will dump him.. he didnt mean it.. but still he said it.. tells me he is gonna to ask a girl out for lunch tomm and tell her everything bout me.. maybe she will feel bad about it and then do something..... help

December 30, 2001
3:00 pm
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artist 2
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Geez Paige! Let him go... did I read you right? "I'm not worth his time"???? what is that?

December 30, 2001
6:08 pm
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paige
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but he didnt mean it! he just said those things cause hes pissed off

December 30, 2001
6:14 pm
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gypsygirl
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He meant it! When someone is angry, true feelings come out. At least in my experience. You are better than that. get out now while you still have some self-esteem left.

January 1, 2002
4:21 pm
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paige
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he told me later.. he didnt mean it..??

January 2, 2002
3:25 pm
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talbots
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Let him go! Tell him he's not worth your time.

January 2, 2002
4:43 pm
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gypsygirl
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Will he mean it the next time he says it?

January 2, 2002
5:43 pm
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Molly
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Word games, they cut worse than a knife, you start to believe that crap, and you don't know what they really mean and what they don't . Read the book Verbal Abuse, you will see that it is part of the controll, and manipulation. Its the foundation for physical abuse. Ya know its your life, you want to be with him be with him, but know what your agreeing to. Its down hill...................

January 2, 2002
9:22 pm
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paige
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its seems like everyone-everything is so negative on here.. im mean i try soo hard.. i really love him we have been together for 2 years and we really try to work it out..
i mean he has done worse things.. he cheated on me before. use to drink and do drugs.. we hooked back up a few months later and been together for 2 years.. hes completely changed..we promise each other everything..and i believe he wouldnt lie..

January 3, 2002
12:04 pm
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Molly
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The advice may sound negative here, but could you wipe your eyes, and look objectivly at your situation ? Isn't that why you were looking for clarity to begin with? Want us to say, love him, live for him, take what ever he says, be greatful for the bones he tosses when he feels like tossing them ? Be a good girl and quit complaining, you have a man, the man you want, be quiet, speak when spoken to, and for hevan's sake don't call him when he doesn't want to be disturbed !!!!!! You probally up set him the last time he drank or did drugs, can't you see its all your fault, you need to try harder. Look better, and be nicer and he won't cheat on you, maybe . You should be more greatful, then you wouldn't be so unhappy right ?????????????????????????
Now isn't that what he would say to you ???????????????? Isn't there some way for you to see, that you can't please your self, living some one elses life according to their rules, especially when your world gets smaller and smaller ?????????????? If this is what you want, then don't be unhappy, make it work, just humble your self a little more, be patient, he will come get you when he is ready. So, cheer up, make your self pretty for him, and just shake those blues away. Better, more what you wanted to hear ???? Maybe you could have bought him something, you know really expensive, gone into debt to prove your love ??????

January 4, 2002
3:35 pm
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paige
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you see..i want to work it out.. this is why i came here.. ppl have bad times.. i love him.. and want to be with him.. im sure of it.. but its harder when ppl just tell u to dump him.. isnt there any advice to couples who are havin relationship problems??

January 4, 2002
4:18 pm
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Molly
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Paige, is your boy friend Jeff ?
You want couples therapy, try Dr. Phil Mc Graw's Relational Rescue, the book is for married couples so it might not work. The thing is in relationships it takes two healthy people, when the people demonstrate healthy behavior then you can actually work on a relationship. Don't look at him look at you, work on you, if it is you, then the relationship will heal, if it is not you, and you heal, and it is obvious it is him, then you will most likely move on. Sorry you don't like the suggestions that you are getting, but many of us have been where you are, and didn't get this type of information, and went down the highway of hell for years, we were just trying to save you time.

January 4, 2002
4:26 pm
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artist 2
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You're not doing yourself a favor by hanging on to him. You're A MARTER. It's almost as if you LIKE being in the situation because it makes you feel ALIVE. Like the PAIN makes you feel something. BUT I LOVE HIM.... geesh!

LOOK when people - BOTH PEOPLE want it to work out, there's a chance. Wehn both people agree to it, then it's time for the counselor. When a man treats you the way you are describing here: HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. You are confusing pain with love. That's not right. Do you feel happy, warm, and comforted? I DOUBT IT. Do you feel pain, struggle, passion? Yep, but that' s not love.

Each and every minute you stay with this creep, he will be using you further. He sees you already as a doormat, someone to take his frustrations out on. If it's not that, it's paying his bills, and taking care of him. Geesh...

GET OUT of this!!! We are not impressed.

January 4, 2002
4:54 pm
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I must apologize for my obvious frustration in the above note. SORRY. It's just that the simple fact that you have written her for help, plus the fact that you believe in love, and you really want to love... those things make you so much better than the situation you are now in. Please find your way out of it soon... the man is not worthy of your love. Someone will come along who is, but you must let go of this one first.

January 4, 2002
5:11 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hello Paige,

So, now that you've heard the general consensus and found the taste of the brew a little bitter, we've got some sugar to make the medicine go down a bit nicer. Anyone who says "just dump him" has either never been in love or has a real selective memory about how hard it is to do it. I'm not suggesting dumpage, since the only person you are going to listen to with that piece of advice is yourself. I'm pretty confident that you will eventually give yourself that advice and you'll follow it. 🙂

Advice for couples having relationships problems... hm... you can't work on a relationship unless both people are in a place where they are healthy and able to look outside of themselves. You aren't. I don't think he is either, but I can't say for sure since you're the one posting and he isn't. You've heard the old adage "before you can love someone else you have to love yourself first". Sounds stupidly simple, but it's very true. What have you done for yourself lately? What are your goals? Outside of your career...

Are you training for a marathon? Going to give a recital? Learn to make the perfect bernaise sauce? Successfully snowboard down a double black diamond? Knit a sweater? Get a brown belt in karate? Become an expert on World War II? Learn to sketch? I'm serious. Develop a relationship with a hobby and see what happens.

It sounds like you're smothering this guy, and he's doing the dance with you because on some level he needs this dance too otherwise he would have cut off all communication with you a while back. Go smother your hobby and talents, go define yourself with that.

And if you need some inspiration, check out the self-help section of your local library or book store. Just a little kickstart to start looking at making yourself happy might be all you need to get on the road to feeling better 🙂

January 4, 2002
5:13 pm
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artist 2
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Whew.. Thanks Ginger.

January 4, 2002
7:31 pm
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paige
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yes. molly that is my bf.. i like ur advice now.. i do want to work on myself.. i want to know why i do the things i do? i want to change.. i want to be the best gf and friend to him that i can.. but i always say i wanna change.. n dont.. u said to my bf i need codepency.. wat is that.. and where can i get that help.. i know you are just tryin to help.. but i really believe that i belong with him.. i believed i loved him from the first time we went out.. thats why i forgave him for even the worst things he has done..

January 4, 2002
7:45 pm
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paige
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gingerleigh, he actually did post one of his own.. my goals.. well molly u know my story.. i actually am still in high school.. so my goals are to mainly finish high school..and find a college to go to.. i really dont have any hobbies.. because believe it or not i do homework all the time.. i really try my hardest to get the best grades.. maybe thats another goal.. i get reallly stressed out.. because it feels like i never have any time to do other stuff besides hw.. i think school depresses me because.. most of the people are soo ignorant and i hate going there..

January 5, 2002
5:34 pm
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Ariella
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You'll probably like college a lot better . . . I know I did. I hated high school. You'll also meet new people and can join clubs and things . . . depending on where you go, of course, but even my college (small as it is) has plenty for people to get involved in.

Hang in there.

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