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Advice from women please
July 23, 2005
3:53 pm
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Philosuffer
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So, I met this woman on a trip about a month ago. We hung out for a couple of days, and then exchanged phone numbers when I left. She lives in another part of the country, so it's not like we're going to start dating, but I liked her and had fun with her, and we have been keeping in touch since then.

I told her that I might be making a trip to where she lives again, and asked her about getting together and she seemed enthusiastic about it.

Well, in one of my e-mails recently (about two weeks ago now) I said something that in retrospect may have come across as a bit sarcastic and judgmental. I honestly didn't mean for it to be at all, but I can see how she might have taken it that way. She has been good to write me back pretty soon each time I've written her, but now I haven't heard from her for two weeks. After that one e-mail I sent another about four days ago, and still haven't heard back from her.

I don't know for sure that I inadvertantly offended her, but it's definitely a possibility because I don't think she's away or anything, so I'm not sure why she hasn't written me back.

So my question should be obvious--what should I do at this point? I'm not sure I should bring it up, b/c I'm not sure that the reason she hasn't written is b/c she was offended. Of course I've thought about calling her, but I'm not sure if that's the way to go either.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

July 23, 2005
3:59 pm
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faithandhope
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When you wrote her did you let her know you were concern about her since you haven't heard from her without bring up the email that may have offended her? A phone call just to let her know you care and are concerned couldn't hurt. Good Luck!

July 23, 2005
4:11 pm
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thewall
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Yes you should at the very least send her an email stating something like :
"in re reading the previous email it sounded like I meant ____ when in fact i didnt mean it the way it could have sounded."

But a phone call would be better, if she accepts your call.

Always clarify what you mean in communicating with anyone. Misinterpretations are what can break a relationship up very quickly.

good luck

July 23, 2005
4:33 pm
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Anonymous
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I don know guys sometimes the best action to take is no action at all.

See Philo, I know what it's like stress and obsess over something I said or did.

Trying to figure out if I should or shouldn't clarify it or fix it. Spend hours tourturing myself with the decision.

Finally, I apologize profusely to the person only to have them say to me: "What are you talking about? I never ever took it that way. If I had a problem with something you said, I would have told you."

Is it possible that because of the two week of no contact you're getting a little edgy blaming yourself unnecessarily?

Are there are other explanitions for the two weeks that could fit?

In my opinion, clean intentions deserve no apologies. I had to learn that the hard way myself.

I would just let it ride until SHE calls a problem a problem.

July 23, 2005
4:52 pm
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Philosuffer
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I agree Young & Restless that good intentions sometimes warrant no apology, but I definitely think misunderstandings require clarification, even with the best of original intentions.

Let me tell you all what I wrote in my e-mail to her and see how you would take it. She had recently moved and she was having some problems with a couple things in her new apt., like getting her cable hooked up and her DSL and stuff. So she would say stuff like, "just want to sock them one for that" and the like.

I was trying to convey the idea of not letting this stuff get to her and frustrate her, and so in a teasing sort of way I guess I wrote:

"I hope you are able to find some constructive ways of venting these hostilities of yours, there seems to be lot of punching and socking going on. ;)"

So, I don't know, would you be offended by that comment? She may have taken it to mean that I thought she has some issues with hostility and anger, and I was blaming her or something for feeling that way. Like she was expressing her frustrations to me and I blamed her for it.

The dilemma is that I don't want to bring it up myself if I'm wrong and there really is no problem (and some other explanation for her not writing), but I don't want to let it fester and so appear to be insensitive as well.

Thanks for the replies I really appreciate it.

July 23, 2005
4:59 pm
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22haha
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I wouldn't take that as sarcastic. I would take it like the rest of the joking that had gone on with the two of you. Perhaps there is another reason she isn't replying. I would give her a call and just try to get it out in the open. If she isn't interested in communicating anymore then she should be honest. I wouldn't blame yourself or think anything you wrote offended her. If that offended her I'm sure she would let you know (at least I would). I would have laughed at it :o) Good luck.

July 23, 2005
6:15 pm
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CAMER
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hi Philo, maybe she did take it offensively, and may thought you were not kidding around, not sure if she is someone who would take it lightly. I would just call one time or email her again and find out how she is, if then you get no response, then there is something more deeply wrong on her end. Good luck!

July 23, 2005
6:39 pm
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clayrains
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I think it might help if you elaborate on what exactly you wrote. It might shed some light on the nature of the situation. I'd understand if you didn't want to though.

July 23, 2005
7:52 pm
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faithandhope
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Hello Philo,

It's not always easy to read how someone is saying something to us in an email or letter, the fact the you winked after your comment should have let her know that she shouldn't take it to heart..not really sure what the right words to use but everyone reads things differently and we don't know always now what kind of mood a person is in when they read what we right...it all make such a diffence...I really feel if this is bothering that much you should give her a call. If you need to apologize then do so, if not you need to let it go. You cannot control her feelings for they are hers. All you can do is control the way you feel.

Call her....good luck

July 23, 2005
8:13 pm
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shyann
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philosuffer

I dont see any harm in that statement. But some women are alot more sensitive than others. If what you said did offend her, one of you needs to be the more mature, humble, and caring enough to clarify it. I feel that this person is you. The fact that you are even asking for our opinions shows concern, which is a part of being a good friend or whatever the relationship may be. There is nothing wrong at all with getting clarification or at least some closure as to why she just went away out of the blue. That would make me wonder, too, if someone did me that way. If it did hurt her feelings so bad that it scared her away, obviously there is some type of issue going on with her, but apologize anyway. Not because you were wrong (you had no bad intent), but because you want her to know that you respect her feelings. If she stopped communication for some other reason, seek some closure. If that fails then shake the dust off and try not to worry.

July 23, 2005
8:30 pm
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Anonymous
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Hi Philo,

I understand what you mean friend. I can see how she might consider this joke to be a little offensive, a little verbally abusive depending upon her sensitivities.

Perhaps you could assess why you chose to make your point (which was not letting stuff fustrate her) the way you did as opposed to directly communicating that.

-Were you speaking from a one up position to her?
-Did you expect her to laugh?
-Do her methods of venting truly raise a red flag for you?

If you don't want to let it fester and it really bothers you, my opinoin is you should talk about it with her.

Best of luck to you

July 23, 2005
8:40 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Phil,

What a sensitive soul you are and I applaud you for being concerned about insulting her. However, having said that, I personally didn't see anything wrong with what you wrote especially considering you were using her own words to kid with her.

If it were me, I would perhaps send her one more e-mail, saying something along the lines of....hi, it's just me....I haven't heard from you and hope that everything is ok.......have you been trapped under a piece of furniture, calling for help?

If that doesn't work, then she needs to get a sense of humor and you need to find someone that has one. Hell, without a sense of humor.....what's the point?

Good luck,

Lolli

July 24, 2005
12:19 am
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lost and found
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instead of second guesssing the ----out of your statement, why dont you call her. how do you know her computer isn't down??? she's in jail?
hospital?,morgue,....married?, hooked up with someone....

July 24, 2005
12:31 am
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on my way
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being up front and honest, and not placing yourself in a situation that may seem out of your control when in fact, it isn't. why be miserable worrying about something that may not even be a problem...never know until you call.

and me...i always look for any underlying issues...do not mean to offend but it is my way...
do you see this situation as being a positive with someone who is very independent, if you are going to be concerned if they care when you do not hear from them when you think that you should? i used to do this...mostly from abandonment issues i developed as a child...it does not owrk very well. so maybe go backward and remember where this may have previously happened to you? could be a re-occurring theme?

July 25, 2005
1:05 pm
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kathygy
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What you wrote sounds very judgemental to me and not the least like you were joking. Maybe she was looking for support and instead got a slap in the face. Or maybe she started seeing someone new. You just don't know. My feeling is to definately contact her and find out what's going on with her. She may think you don't care since you didn't try to contact her again even though she didn't reply to your email. If you have her phone number then I would call her and be perfectly honest with your concern that she took offense to your comment. You can say, I hope you weren't offended by what I said. I can understand if you were but I ...

I wonder if in your heart you were really joking.

love,
kathy

July 25, 2005
1:50 pm
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gazelle
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Hmmm ... yes, I find I agree with Kathy here. Young & Restless seems to feel similarly also, when she says: "-Were you speaking from a one up position to her? -Did you expect her to laugh?"

If I had been struggling with a house-move, and was frustrated with things going wrong, and 'venting' light-heartedly to a new friend, I too would have felt slapped down by the way you phrased your response, Philosuffer. Even with the wink, it does sound rather supercilious in tone, as if you are judging her character and taking it upon yourself to offer unsolicited value-judgements. I'm sorry if you weren't and if I have misunderstood. But that's how it came across to me. Let me elaborate...

Geesh, it's so easy to misunderstand someone's tone from a few written words, isn't it?! From my personal perspective, when I'm in 'venting mode' (rather than doing myself justice in some serious discussion ) I would welcome responses in kind. Then I would feel understood & supported, rather than criticised from an emotional distance. Rightly or wrongly, I know many women feel the same.

I suspect it's the sudden, unexpected dichotomy between her un-selfconscious 'fuming' in the heat of the moment and your assessment of her character from a colder position, apparently detached from the spirit of her e-mail, that perhaps put her off (IF it did!)

Of course, she may not have taken any offence at all. I sincerely hope not. Just giving my own reaction, as requested. I agree with other posters that giving her a call or another, friendlier e-mail (without getting too 'heavy' and keeping in tune with her mood, if you know it,) might help.

Very best of luck to you! Blessings - gazelle.

July 25, 2005
1:58 pm
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gazelle
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As usual, I hate my post! I'm doing the very thing I'm accusing you of, aren't I?!!!

Sorry, Philo. There was no need to keep on & on saying the same thing. You are v sensitive already, as shown in your original post here.

(I'm v v depressed & feeling longterm 'unheard'. Those may be reasons but are NOT excuses. No special pleading - just sorry. I'll stop posting till I feel better.)

So ... I'll just back off in shame with a 'Namaste' gesture and warmly wish you all the best. More blessings - gazelle.

July 25, 2005
2:13 pm
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kathygy
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gazelle, I see nothing wrong with your post and any reason for feeling shame. You sound like you are being very hard on yourself and expect perfection from yourself when you post here. You can just be human. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a beautiful person.

love,
kathy

July 25, 2005
5:40 pm
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lollipop3
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Am I missing something here? If she was making jokes about "socking them one" for this and that....what is wrong with Philo, responding to that in the same joking manner using her own words?

I don't get it.

Lolli

July 25, 2005
7:24 pm
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Anonymous
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OH Gazelle,

There's nothing at all wrong with you post friend. I hear you point clearly.

Don't stop posting...I look forward to your insights AND your sweet blessing at the end.

Love, Young & Restless

July 25, 2005
8:23 pm
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Anonymous
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Hi Lolli,

You make a good point and I'm glad you did. We're all here to learn...

I went surfing and found a geat definition for abuse: Abusers exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the "silent treatment"), manipulate, and control.

Humor also can be used as subtle (sometimes not so subtle)way to put a person down. And when it is, it's called verbal abuse.

I'm sure this puts us all on both sides of the fence at least once or twice.

Soooo....I've got to be honest with you Philo (honesty is part of the reason I'M here, letting go of my need to be liked and learning to be me).

Your joke seems like a passive-aggressive way to voice your concerns about her venting. It also seems a little insulting to me.

Does this make you a bad person? Absolutely Not!

Hope my honesty helps you out a little bit friend.

Young & Restless

July 26, 2005
8:07 pm
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lollipop3
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Thank you for your response Y & R. Perhaps I should have posed the question to Philo about what his intent was when he sent the e-mail. I guess it depends on whether or not he was being judgemental. I got the impression that he was not, and if that is the case then we all need to lighten up a bit.

I don't mean to sound harsh and believe me, I've endured my share of verbal abuse (even the "joking" kind as you mentioned above), however, I just don't want us all, in our quest for a healthy life, to loose all humor in our lives....even if a bit sarcastic, or dry as it may be.

Philo.....perhaps you could shed some more light on this whole issue?

Lolli

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