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Advice and support on friendship: she to share rumors from someone who hates me
July 29, 2007
12:47 pm
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chelonia mydas
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I am using fake names to make it easier to understand.

Background info:

Abby and I have been friends for about 2 years. She and I have a lot in common but we don't get together much (maybe 1-3 times a month) because she likes to spend a lot of time alone and has trust issues. I am the only person aside from her mom and repairmen that have been in her house.

Bertha and Claire (who are good friends to eachother) have worked with me for the past 2 years and are very destructive people. At first I tried to be friends with both of them but because of a variety of issues they both have decided to focus on trying to destroy me. Claire is the one I have posted on earlier who has spread lies about an affiar I am having with my boss. Bertha has never liked me- during her first week of employment she told me point blank that she didn't like me, she didn't know why but she had no intentions of getting along with me. Bertha is a loyal and frequent patron of Abby's mother's business so Abby often sees Bertha.

Now for the problem:

Abby tells me that 60% of Bertha's conversations with her are focused on how I am such an idiot/bitch who ruins everything and another 20% of her conversation focused on my coworkers incompetance. At first Abby said she had to listen because she was helping her mother. Now she is no longer in that position but continues to do things with Bertha. I am OK with her having other friends-- I have other friends and have encouraged her to reach out to people.

About a month ago I asked Abby to stop telling me what Bertha and Claire said unless I was in danger of being hurt personally or professionally by them or their rumors. Abby often tells me how much Bertha bothers her and that she hates Claire- but yet she chooses to continue to do things with them that are unrelated to her mom's business. She also is continuing to tell me the nasty things that they say about me and my coworkers. Abby knows that most of it isn't true... She said she is doing it to help me so I know what rumors are out there. I told her I don't have time to listen to such foolishness and recently have been ending conversations that go in that direction.

I also suspect that she is giving them personal info about me. A couple weeks ago I told her (and only her) I was thinking of moving to Kentucky (which is a lie). There is now a rumor at work that Bertha saw my application to Kentucky state parks in the fax machine.

Sometimes it feels like Bertha and Claire are manipulating Abby to hurt me... but then I wonder if I am being too self centered- but it isn't like me to think this. Bottom line is that Abby is an adult and can make her own decisions. She knows the dynamics that I work in, so as much as I want to- it isn't accurate to put all the blame on Bertha and Claire.

So now I am distancing myself from her... but at the same time I don't want to. I have lost so much lately and feel so alone. But I also don't see how this friendship is helping me right now. She was such a good friend. She helped me through my divorce and it is hard to find others with a ton of pets who understands all that goes with it. I really enjoy having someone to talk pets with for hours- but most people aren't as into pets as we are.

I suspect she is a drama monger and now that my life is getting better and isn't full of drama naturally she wants to create it. I am tired of drama- but I want her to be my friend in the good times too. What can I do?

July 29, 2007
2:42 pm
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fantas
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Chelonia,

I have been there with the gossiping friends and the go betweens and all that. After I realized that the go between was telling lies about me to my friends and vice versa, after I had confronted the other friend on the lies I had been told about her, I decided to call a three people meeting and bring up the thruths/lies all at once. The go between didn't show up but she also never told the lies to either one of us again. Also we are no longer in contact.

Since then, I am very quick to ask people not to tell me what others have said about me. I also ask people not to tell me about others. Gossip only works if there are people willing to fuel it on. Listening even without responding is just as bad as gossiping in my opinion and worst of all is the person who feels the need to tell you of what was discussed while they were gossiping about you. This person is definitely not a friend. A friend would have had the courage to tell the others not to speak about you in her presence.

You can decide to keep her on as an acquaintance but you cannot trust her with your informations or your heart, and do not be surprised if she continues to talk about you. Have you ever spoken to her about this and asked her not to report back to you what she heard?

I wish you all the best...keep us posted.

July 29, 2007
3:11 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Chelonia, Girl, I got caught in a friendship triangle not too long ago. I will use initials . J was a long term friend before M. M. started turning me against J , telling me things that were blown out of portions. M is a big gossip anyway and I was getting very suspicious of her anyway. She would say things about J to me and tell me never to tell her. Bad things....outrages things. Which I knew would freak J out if she knew. So one day I stood up to M, she got mad and called J and was talking about me. Well, later I called J and she told me this. Even though M and J have been good friends to me I cannot handle talking behind my back is what I told J. So, I dropped both of them. But the other day I called J because I thought atleast she was honest to me.........So maybe you need to clear the air and see if she is able to be honest with you ? Ask her ? Your Friend, horsefly

July 29, 2007
3:12 pm
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_anonymous
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You have not personally heard Bertha or Claire say a word against you. Outside of Abbey you have not heard another sole report or confirm that they were speaking against you either. The only one who you know for sure that has hurtful things coming out of their mouth in regards to you is Abbey. Right now she is the only one you can hold accountable. The fact that she participated in these destructive conversations tells me she has no allegiance to you. If she did she would have defended you immedatly and the situation would have been over before it began. If she had any integrity she would have told them to tell all that crap to your face and then stayed out of it and found something else to discuss.

Abbey has no justification for listening to Berthas destructive crap. Abbey just used Berthas relationship with her mom as an excuse for choosing to listen to her BS.

The simplest way I can explain my point of view is that Abbey, Bertha, and Claire are all palying football while you are playing baseball.

Back in high school we used to refer to people like Abbey as 2 faced, back stabbing liars.

Sorry that these people have hurt you. You didnt deserve it.

July 29, 2007
4:21 pm
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jasminum sambac
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Hello, Chelonia

I think some relationships have in them the possibility of continuing, and some are for only a time. Abby may not be able or willing to comply with some things that are necessary to your present.

Thinking about your creatures, I once volunteered to help out at a fundraiser for an animal shelter and found myself in a big kitchen making spaghetti, surrounded by multipet people. Any possibilities with that sort of venture to meet more petpeople?

🙂 What's the count? How many tails and how many legs are in your kitchen when it's time for dinner?

July 29, 2007
5:18 pm
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chelonia mydas
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July 29, 2007
5:38 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Thanks for everyone's advice and support, I really appreciate it.

Fantas, I like your comment "Gossip only works if there are people willing to fuel it on" I think I will print that up and put it near my desk at work.

Horsefly, I agree that it is probably best to leave all of them alone for a while. They are definately making my head spin.

DestinyStar, I have heard both Bertha and Claire's nasty comments about me, when they didn't realize I was in my office. Also I was recently under investigation at work for an inappropriate relationship with my boss because Claire reported her lies as fact to the regional supervisor. I am now not allowed to walk alone in the park with my boss- which would happen if he and I were the only two who showed up for fitness club. Often he and/or I walked with a number of other coworkers. But we have been instructed to not go if no one else shows up (but interesting enough if another female coworker comes he can walk alone with her and I can walk with other male coworkers)

But the bottom line is the same... none of them are good for me.

Jasmin, I like that perspective... that just because she was good for me 4 months ago doesn't mean that she still fits. I outgrew my exhusband, I guess it would apply to friends too.

As to my pets... I was in pet rescue for over a decade- it was my main addiction, to save animals. I am down to 6 dogs, 8 cats, 5 birds and 5 turtles- all the dogs and cats as well as 3 of the birds are inside pets year round the other 2 birds and turtles come inside when it is too hot or cold outside.

Thanks to all of you for reinforcing what I was afraid to face by myself.

I am just afraid to be completely alone... but maybe that is what life has for me for a while. It will probably be easier to grow if I stop worring about all these friends that are more work than fun.

July 29, 2007
5:40 pm
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atalose
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What I have learned throught out life is: If someone gossips to you they will gossip about you.

If Abbey was aloner and had very few freinds she may not know how to be a true friend.

Depending on how important her friendship is to you, you might want to sit her down and have a very long talk about all this and how it is effecting your friendship with her. After a talk it will be up to her on how she choses to handle it and her friendship with her.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 29, 2007
6:23 pm
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_anonymous
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chelonia- Where I come from you cannot be a third party victim. In other words if their is an inappropriate relationship issue at work it has to be reported by the people in the relationship as a problem not by a third party. Is this "Inappropriate relationship" definition spelled out in the employee hand book in details? Does it state exactly what type of behavior would fall under that category? If so what the consequences are? Were you formally reprimanded for it? Did your employer give you a written warning? In order for it to be fair it would have to apply to all employees equally and not just to a male/female it would have to apply to male/male, female/female as well. The company cannot dictate what two people do outside of company hours. I dont know how you can go to work everyday and put up with all that BS. Sounds very stressful.

July 29, 2007
10:08 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Atalose, That is a good suggestion. I will probably just put some time and distance between us for a bit. Hopefully by then I will be in a better frame of mind to handle it. She probably is socially awkward...

DestinyStar
There is nothing written about employee relations... there is a sexual harassment policy- but that is for the people involved in the situation. Claire said that he gave me favorable treatment and that I provide better public relations for his site and not the others that I work at.

The regional supervisor just stopped by and talked to us. I had to show that I do not receive benefits... She said he covered for me just not showing up for work and saying that I had requested time off. But I had filed all my paperwork with the office manager prior to the time off. I also had to show proof that the only reason his site gets more press releases is because he keeps me informed of his events and the other sites don't. Luckily I had e-mails showing where I attempted to get this info from the other sites and was often ignored.

No one was formally repremanded, the regional supervisor made the request that we not be seen alone together in public because he doesn't want to deal with Claire and Bertha bugging him about it anymore.

My job isn't all bad. Claire and Bertha are a pain right now- but most of the volunteers and community groups I work with are wonderful. I really love my job and it fits me perfectly. I just hate that they are so focused on making my life difficult and someone I thought was my friend is being influenced by them too.

July 29, 2007
10:38 pm
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_anonymous
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Either you are violating a company policy or not. If you are not then Claire and Berthas behavior needs to be addressed because from my point of view they are harassing you. The way you explained it to me you were able to prove that you did nothing wrong. By law a supervisor can accept a complaint but is not allowed to discuss the decision with another employee. These women sound like they are jealouse of you.

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