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advantages of being alone for anyone feeling scared
January 12, 2005
10:25 pm
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CAMER
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Dusty, stay strong!!! you are doing good so far with these lil' steps and each step counts!!! you go girl!!

Refuse...why not take a 1/2 a day to yourself, that way you can do what you want, and maybe get and idea on how you want your life to be...even if you take lil' babysteps to improving your own well being, it will make you stronger in the long run and maybe even have the strength someday to realize that you want more and better than what you have now...and walk away. Take things slow & keep posting & know you are not alone.... Good luck!!! (((camer)))

January 12, 2005
10:26 pm
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Dusty, stay strong!!! you are doing good so far with these lil' steps and each step counts!!! you go girl!!

Refuse...why not take a 1/2 a day to yourself, that way you can do what you want, and maybe get and idea on how you want your life to be...even if you take lil' babysteps to improving your own well being, it will make you stronger in the long run and maybe even have the strength someday to realize that you want more and better than what you have now...and walk away. Take things slow & keep posting & know you are not alone.... Good luck!!! (((camer)))

January 13, 2005
9:14 am
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Refuse2GiveUp
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Camer-

If I can work it financially, I'd like to take a mini-vacation alone- I thought of it in December. I wrote down all the things I'd like to do, and I want to try to not contact my partner the whole time.

I want to get a hotel with a swimming pool, go ice-skating, hopefully do some reading and writing in my journal. I'd like to find a place where I could go hiking, too.

I don't know what this trip is going to accomplish, but I hope it makes a difference for me to figure out what I'm going to do. I hope I can straighten a few things out.

Thank you your encouragement and for reminding me I am not alone. I have been feeling pretty empty and scared lately, and your words helped.

Refuse2GiveUp

January 13, 2005
9:38 am
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CAMER
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Refuse...just do it, take that vacation and i betcha it'll be fun, nothing to worry about, and you can do what you want!!! take these lil' steps and everything will add up in the end...be good to you...Again, you are not alone!!! (((camer)))

January 13, 2005
4:04 pm
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ILSILS
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i'd love to have a vacation all to myself. thanks for the idea. hey and when you do go id love to hear how it went. keep us updated. oh ps: last night i made an elvis sandwich and ate it in bed. then i watched the foodnetwork. it was great. oh yeah he called me twice! oooops didnt hear the phone wss having too much fun w/myself! go me!

January 13, 2005
4:41 pm
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GeminiGirl
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Dusty, your guy sounds just like my ex. I would drive 120 miles (one way) to see him once a week, then turn around at 5am and drive back to work. This went on from Sept to end of Nov; he NEVER drove to see me. I always justified it as 'he makes more $ than I do' (We're both consultants) and 'he has his personal car; I have a rental car'. You name it, I justified it. It was very difficult, and I never had the balls to skip a week. I should have. I should have had more respect for myself. I should have loved myself more. I should have done what was right for ME instead of what was 'right' for other people.

Go with your gut, girl and be true to yourself. My gut told me long before it was officially over that it was over, but I just kept on trying. I didn't ask questions (was afraid of the answers) and when we did talk, it was always stress about work or this or that. Let me tell you, not two weeks after he dumped me he picked up with his ex of 2 years. And he had a date for New Years Eve (not sure who it was). I think part of the reason why I can't let go is because I feel some need to punish myself for not looking out for ME. Sounds weird, but re-reading old chats and thinking of the past is not only counter-productive, but hurtful. So why do it? I must want to punish myself.

Don't be like me. Stay strong. I'm on 26 days of 'no contact' now and I don't want to break my record. I am finally starting to respect myself as a person; a worthy person. Please do the same, because you are. Don't let this butthead get the best of you and play mind games. Respect yourself. You will like yourself more in the end. 🙂

January 13, 2005
4:47 pm
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ILSILS
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hey dusty, if you do decide to go, wich i may be too late maby it wsas yesterday, i hope you take full advantage while you are there. like make him take you to a really nice restaurant, and go see a girly movie you get the just, dont make it be all about him, i mean for god sake you did the driving it should be on your terms

January 13, 2005
5:10 pm
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dustygirl
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Well I did go and I couldn't stop shaking while i was there. He asked me what was up and so we had another 2 our conversation on "us".

I just told him that I needed more andthat he hurt me when he said that he wasn't motivated to give it to me. We talked about seeing other people - he says he doesn't want too, and doesn't want me too, but understands the need since he is so busy with work, trying to have a relationship with his kids, blah, blah. I just thought If he really cared it wouldn't be so easy to let me go.

I am just so scared - is he just playing me? He says he's going to dinner with his daughter tonight - I just don't know so I have my doubts about if he's being honest. Iguess when you start a relationship not based on trust, it's always going to be that way.

January 13, 2005
5:22 pm
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ILSILS
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Sounds like you got just the responce i thought you would. may i be candid enough to say that the moment i read you say, we had another 2 hour long talk, i thought uh oh...this doesnt look good. fact is what ive learned is that hardly any guy welcomes these talkes. its the last thing most of them want, i then totally expected you to say something like, tonight he dosnt want to hang out with me. and deffinently he wouldnt drive a long drive to get into an intemate discussion with someone, guys are more siple (i really want to say stupid) you see well let me just play out a scenerio for you, if instead you had unusually been missing from your phone for about two days, then after he left you a desperate message to please call him you did, made an apointment to go over there in another day or two,showed up a little late, looking great, and very hungry, had him take you out, had great sex, and got up early and left with out hanging around, told him thanks talk to you later, and didnt talk to him till he called you, i bet he would have called you just as you were getting home "just to make shure you made it" and then he'd be begging you to come over again, leaving him wanting more, ok you might be saying wait that sounds like a game to me, and your apsolutely right, but its my observation that men go crazy over weomen that have confidence, and when they think you are sitting aroung waiting for them, well whats the point in chacing you down?

January 14, 2005
10:03 am
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ILSILS
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hey Dusty how are you today?
keep hanging in there, love to hear how your holding up

January 14, 2005
10:13 am
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Refuse2GiveUp
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About that vacation- I'm going just as soon as I save up enough money, which is not easy since I am handling TWO persons living expenses!

This morning my car wouldn't start, it is old, practically dying. I just kept thinking to myself, I work 60 hours a week, and I have nothing to show for it but this stupid car that I have to drive to work. I was crying, it's freezing, why can't I just take HIS car to work, since I paid for him to get his fixed, anyway.

I get sick of it, you know? I'm going to try to talk with his family about it, they are on my side about it at least.

I just keep thinking how our future is going to be together if we started out like this, me carrying all the weight. Probably won't change much. I was looking for a partner, not a child. I've got to make some changes, whether I like it or not.

Refuse2GiveUp

January 14, 2005
10:52 am
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oblivious
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I have to say the idea of being alone is absolute heaven to me!! I'm in a failing marriage, and I have come to the conclusion that its MUCH easier to be alone by yourself than WITH someone.
It would be nice to be 30 mins late coming home from work and not be questioned....nice to come home and eat a bowl of cereal for dinner instead of having to fix a 'meat and three'...nice to go spend a couple days with a friend and not be given the third degree...nice to watch what I want to on TV for a change...nice to worry about ME ONLY for a change!

January 14, 2005
11:08 am
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Refuse2GiveUp
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Do all couples have this problem? It seems as though so many of us are referring to the same things- being able to watch our own TV shows, come and go as we please, less stress, more relaxation. Are relationships just inevitable stressful?

January 14, 2005
11:16 am
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oblivious
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I think all couples do, to a degree...I think many times women especially end up with the majority of the worries in a household...and when we take the time to worry about ourselves, we feel like we're being selfish.
I also think that alot of 'love' boils down to tolerance. And again, I think women tend to be more tolerant than men.
Maybe I'm being partial, but I think I'm MUCH more tolerable than my husband! haha

January 14, 2005
12:01 pm
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dustygirl
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Ilsils, thanks for your concern. I am just not doing good these last couple days. I had my first counselling appointment last night and boy was it tough. I just want to let go of this relationship and even my therapist said not too right now as I am not strong enough to do it - so stop worrying about it. He said I need to deal with other issues first.

I am going to take your advice about tonight and dress to the hilt, have a great attitude and act like I don't care if he gets a call from his ex, or whoever is calling him these days.

I am just more anxious when I am with him then when I am alone these days. I just need to know he is there and calls, but being with him I am so anxiety filled.

I just don't know what to do. I am really scared right now

January 14, 2005
1:49 pm
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ILSILS
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take a deep breath and know that if you play your cards right when you leave he will be the one feeling anxious and you will be flying on cloud nine, steer clear of looking too obvious, or getting into serious talkes, let us know how it goes. dont worry youll do fine,

January 14, 2005
3:49 pm
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CAMER
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Hi dusty, yes go out and have fun tonite...take deep breaths as ILSILS said, it really does help...and yes, my therapist told me the same thing....that I was just "not ready" to leave, and i wasn't.....but in time after practing reading coda books and attending meetings, my whole outlook changed, and i did learn to love myself more and take care of me.

Your'e not alone, let me know how the nite turns out, ok!!!

(((camer))))

January 14, 2005
5:10 pm
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ILSILS
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great hint ive found and would like to share w/dusty:
when you get into an uncomfortable spot with him tonight ie:silence dont know what to say etc. then just picture something really funny, when you start giggling at him (with out comming off looking crazy) it makes men wonder, god why is she so happy? wait is she laughing at me? is she hiding something from me? then they are compelled to get into your head. its a fun game, i know you might not be one for games as i said before but hey isnt he playing with your head?

January 14, 2005
5:43 pm
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dustygirl
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Thanks Camer and Ilsils so much for your words of encouragement. I am having such a hard time focusing today. My b/f is basically good to me, he just hasn't "brought me out of the closet" so to speak 100% and he says he's not ready too.
I am the one who has the problems as I am expecting him to make me happy. I have always felt like someone has to take care of me and I am putting that pressure on him now and he's just not in the same place.
The reason I have to get out, is for that reason - I want more.....plain and simple and he's not ready to give me more. I just can't seem to get it through my head that it's not bacuase of me. I feel that I must not be good enough that he wouldn't want more from me. I am so convinced that I am doing all the wrong things here and that's why he is talking to his wife more and maybe thinking about going back to her. I really would understand if he did, they do have a 35 year history together, but it's the always wondering whether he's thinking about it that kills me. I am so afraid I am going to go see him and BOOM, he tells me it's over. I worry about that non-stop during the day or whether he's talked to her or others.

but for tonight, i will try and take your advice - I am going to his place after work and will be there a couple hours b/4 he gets home. I am going to get myself beautiful so he can't tell that I've been crying non stop for 2 days. I will also really try when I know she is calling or sending a text message to try and laugh - it's just that he tries to hide it from me and that's what hurts SO BAD. I've told him I know and just to be honest, so we will see.

God, I just want to feel normal.

Thanks again and I will keep you posted. Love to all....

January 15, 2005
7:25 am
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oneinthewoods
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Aloneness has given me the best gift I have ever been given.
The ability to focus on that fact that I can make it without NEEDING anyone. In doing that.....my relationships are tottaly healthy.
The true success in life.....is how much one can do.....WITHOUT.
Think about it.

January 15, 2005
10:10 am
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what great advice, oneinthewoods.....same for me, I was alone for over a year and a half and it made me so much more healthier and happier....and I don't think anyone should "need" a man....wanting and needing are different, Relationships with men should be "part" of your life not your complete life.

Dusty, how did things go last nite??

(((camer)))

January 16, 2005
6:50 pm
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dustygirl
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thanks for asking Camer - things are not good. I am going to find the strenght to end it tonight if I can or I am sure he will do it first.

He is just really confused lately - feeling for his wife and other stuff. I just want more from him than he wants or can give me. I looked at his phone last night and he is texting his wife so much. He says he's trying to say the things he couldnn't for the 25 years they were married - not becuz he wants to get back together, but for his own self.

I just think I need to give him his space and also learn to be alone as it's what is paralyzing me in this relationship., It's extremely unhealthful, by self esteem is in the gutter becuz he just wont bring me "out of the closet" 100% like I feel I deserve after being with him for almost 3 years.

He's never promised me anything so he's really not the blame - it's me. I am the doormat. I need to learn to love myself more and know that I am worth spending time with.

I don't know how I am going to do this, or if I am ready, but I have already wasted 2 years of my life waiting for him to love me the way I need to be loved.

Please pray for me - I don't know how I can do this.

January 17, 2005
12:43 pm
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ILSILS
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hi dusty, hope you are doing well, i am proud of you for deciding that you are worth a whole lot more, you have the strenth inside you to make it through i am sure, and we will be here for you too. i wonder how the weekend went for you. i hope that you were able to find some peace. keep us updated.

January 24, 2005
7:49 pm
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Mantram
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Mantram -- Formula or arrangement of words or syllables which, when correctly sounded, invokes energy.

I have just recently found this website and it looks great. I consider myself a very attractive person inside and out. I wouldn’t have a problem finding a man to be with, although I just don’t think most of them mentally suit me, or is it I’m just not ready at 35yrs of age? I know I am not codependent as I have not lived with any man for approx. 10yrs. Is it that I am too independent? I already have a 13yr old son whom now resides with his father during the week and have always maintained that they have a healthy bond. I have not wanted to have a step parent interfere in his life and complicate his life. I live by myself and love it. I can’t even bare to have a housemate! Although I am scared I can not let anyone into my life. I am happy with my current situation. I have demons from my past in which I feel inadequate about in which I am slowly dealing with and leaving it in the past and moving on. I am happy 99% of the time. Is it society that pushes a relationship onto us? Why do I need to be in one? I can’t bare to have anyone around with me 24/7. I like my time alone, and I like enjoying myself with the ‘right’ friends. I guess I also have an obligation to my son in his teenage years and be there for him without interference of a step parent etc. I had a step parent and hated him. He’s still married to my mother and I’m waiting for him to drop dead. My mother is codependent to him; he’s addicted to barbiturates – oh the poor man! Although, I did have a short relationship over 3yrs ago for approx 2yrs and never introduced him to my son. Could I let someone in? How can I let someone else into my life? Do I need to have someone in my life? Again my obligations are for my son’s wellbeing and happiness. Single men without children scare me as they want the whole family thing. I already have a son and do not want to have anymore, especially children to different fathers. ‘I believe’ I’m doing the right thing. What do you think?

January 24, 2005
8:26 pm
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Mantram,
(I do like to say that word aloud.....) Just be open to possibilities. I think to one extent or another we hook up with other people and others hook up with us to learn a lesson of growth if we are so open to the experience. It's not really cut and dry - you know? Many times that ole logic gets in our way and we miss an opportunity for growth. Just be open to what comes along, have firm boundaries set in place beforehand and see what develops. Only you can answer your questions about: could I let someone in? How can I let someone else into my life? Do I need to have someone in my life? Pray and sit with the open mind of letting someone in if it's in your best interest and that perhaps there maybe a lesson to be learned for all concerned. Just go with the flow............
Brenda

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