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advantages of being alone for anyone feeling scared
January 11, 2005
3:48 pm
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ILSILS
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wanted to open this post to give people the idea that living alone isnt all that bad so anyone who has been alone or is alone and would like to share the nice things about to give support to those who are looking at this as a potential outcome to their situation and are scared:

getting the whole bed to stretch out
total controll of the remote...etc

January 11, 2005
3:51 pm
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CAMER
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I live alone, and was "alone" for 19 months.....the advantages were not worrying about "anyone" except for me, doing "whatever" on weekends, not answering to anyone & yes, sprawling out on the bed on a Sunday morning and enjoying my own company!!! Learning so much more about myself and finding strength within & recognizing what a good person i am....

January 11, 2005
3:53 pm
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ILSILS
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yes! that is what im talking about! i hope others who are afraid to be alone will read this and become inspired! thank you

January 11, 2005
4:13 pm
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tracylyn
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Ahhhh ~ I love this thread!!!

I love living alone (well, with 3 kids too).

I don't have to explain where I've been. I don't have to explain the money I've spent. I don't have to do the dishes if I don't want. I have a whole bathroom to myself. I can talk on the phone while lying in bed while watching some sappy movie without anyone buggin' me. I don't have to sneak in new shoes that I bought (ha ha)!!!! No grown adult to have to pick up after, wash clothes for, cook for, blah, blah blah. No one to tell me the house it too messy or ask me what's for dinner (well other than my kids). No one to tell me my car needs washed. I can turn my music up as loud as I want in the morning.

My favorite thing is just that my bedroom is MY special room. It's my sanctuary to escape to and it's ALL MINE.

Hell I even love mowing my own yard!!!!

I could go on and on but I just have to say that I LOVE being on my own. I got married when I was 19, straight from mammas house to being married. I got divorced at 32. Now I'm 37, I'm in a serious relationship but I honestly don't know if I could ever live with anyone again. I love my alone time too much.

January 11, 2005
4:13 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I did the single mom thing for 2 years. The kids and I had such freedom. But coming out of the marriage we got away from it was like a cloud lifted off us.

You get to make ALL the decisions,

You can fix or not what you want to for supper,

You can stay up as late as you want,

You don't have to pick up after another,

You don't have to do their laundry,

There are no arguments unless you can argue w/ yourself. (my dad says my mom can do that)

Nobody to lose the tv changers except you, and maybe the kids.

You can BLAST your music.

There's a good start. I do have to say there are perks and disadvantages to being alone and to being married.

January 11, 2005
4:19 pm
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ILSILS
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i love the quiteness at night when my daughters in bed and i can walk around in my geanny panties and not feel insecure. i can talk on the phone w/out someone bugging me. most of all i can be the real me! no one to change for. just me....ahhhhh

January 11, 2005
4:23 pm
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dustygirl
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What I'm afraid of is not living alone, but not having a man in my life. I don't feel I am a whole person without being in a relationship. I've had my own place for 2 years now, so it's not the issue of living alone.

I know in my heart that being in this relationship I already am alone - he's emotionally unavailabe, works 7 days a week, 14 hours a day, and I think his mind is else where now and not on me. but it's that thread of hope that keeps me there or the "what if" he really does love me and I walk away - I know I sound so weak and pathetic. I just made an appointment with a therapist who deals with Love Addiction and Codependency - that's my first step - and maybe not going to see my boyfriend tonight should be my 2nd step.

January 11, 2005
4:30 pm
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CAMER
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Way to go Dusty, every lil' bit counts....i too own my own place but never "lived" with a man b4...i too
always had to have a man/bf with me to feel complete. It wasn't until i stayed alone, and spend 19 wonderful months of no dating that i realized I do not need "any man" in my life. Good luck with therapy, it helps and stay home tonite without him!!

January 11, 2005
4:41 pm
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dustygirl
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Camer - how long did it take before you realized you didn't need a man in your life - I'm keeping prospects lined up outside my door "just in case" - but I don't want anyone else. I don't want to feel like I have to be in relationship with anyone, but I don't know how not too either.

I just keep hoping I will wake up and not need him so much. I really don't know what I get out of this relationship to be honest - I never see him expect at night and lately when we are together I am so anxiety ridden over whether his phone is going to ring, or what he's going to say. I try to control him with sex thinking he will stay, but I know thats not going to work and it's just another form of manipulation.

I know Iwould be much less stressed without him but theres that hope again of what if....

January 11, 2005
4:50 pm
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artist 2
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1. I can burn inscense without hearing complaints

2. I can turn off all the lights

3. I can lie around in tattered underwear

4. I can leave unfinished projects out

5. I can go to sleep early if I want

6. I can take as long as I want in the bathroom

7. I don't have to clear it with someone when going somewhere

Oh, there's probably more... but thanks for getting me thinking about it!!

January 11, 2005
5:27 pm
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ILSILS
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i can leave the lights on if i want!
no complaints
i can leave and not be asked where ya going?
i can eat dinner on the couch watching the fab 5
i can walk naked to go get a towel w/out being embarrased
i can leave the place a mess, or clean it up and have it stay that way,
i can jump on my bed and sing along with the music out loud

January 11, 2005
5:51 pm
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shyshy
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Alone to me means not having someone in my life to have an account for me. That's scary but even if they don't live with you they can still control you. I currently have a very laxed relationship with my boyfriend now (well, let's call him my lover for now) cause we only really see each other on the weekends but ever since we stopped seeing each other so much I have felt a lot more free. Free to be me, think what I want, go where I want, clean or not clean if I don't want to, work all the hours I want and not have to worry about him saying I don't make any time for him, cause guess what, he doesn't want to see me during the week anyway and when he was coming over during the week I had to make sure the house was clean and dinner was on the stove just in case he wanted to eat. Now I only have to worry about ME ME ME ME, did I say ME enough times and of course feeding my two kids. But you know how young kids can be. You can give them mac and cheese if you want and they are happy.

January 11, 2005
5:53 pm
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shyshy
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Spending all this time with myself has given me the opportunity to find myself and figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

January 11, 2005
7:15 pm
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dustygirl
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well tonight is a big step for me - i usually drive the 60 miles to go see him (he never makes the effort for me)and I know I won't see him tomorrow night, but I cancelled my hair and nail appt that I had by his house and I drove straight home instead of his way.

I emailed him and told him there was a change in plans and to call me at home. We will see when that happens.

I know I will be a basket case in a little bit when he hasn't called, but I have to start somewhere, even if its a small step like this.

UGH11111

January 11, 2005
7:27 pm
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on my way
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dusty..ever thought about where this comes from...why do we allow someone else to control our emotions like this? Does it go back to fathers and their example...does it make us feel loved if somehow someway a male is in control somehow, someway, and then we don't trust that and end up picking up the ball for fear of the bottom falling out...which means some relationships were based on fear and control, when they didn't need to be??? COME ON GIRLS!!! DROP THIS STUFF!!! It isn't necessary, and it ends up causing more heartache, because if a relationship is based on fear and control...it is doomed to begin with.

January 11, 2005
8:16 pm
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CAMER
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Dusty, this may shock you, but this was my *wake up call* my last bf was alcoholic, and I tried to control him and the drinking, it didn't work. And since I was 18 always had a "boyfriend"...my last bf committed suicide...it was a shock to me, but for me to be codependent, I could have just grieved and found a new guy within months...but I didn't...I was alone, all alone...no one but myself and my fiance was out of my life....Now that is ALONE!...and Dusty, I survived this, I cried and grieved, then I also accepted myself, and loved myself more, started going to Coda meetings locally, and spent time alone, hugging myself to sleep at nite, loving myself more and more...I took One year and 7 months off of NO DATES...then I started dating, and went on about 4 different ones, and saw the red flags, and got out b4 getting involved...I am ok with that. I am single, living alone, and its ok...I would rather be happy and alone, than miserable and lonely in a relationship.

Dusty, try to love yourself more and knwo that you deserve so much better, you have to believe in yourself and boost your self esteem, look in the mirror and tell yourself
"I love you" all of this helps, and try to keep posting here and attend Coda meetings if possible.....You really are not alone, look how much this AAC site has made a difference and now you must know you are not alone...there are over 100+ on this site looking for help, and probably alot more not looking for help and being miserable...you do have choices, take baby steps, a lil a day for you!!! keep coming back, you are Worth it!!! ((((cmaer)))))

January 11, 2005
11:44 pm
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dustygirl
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you give me such encouragement Cramer and hope. Tonight I stayed home alone - he didn't make the effort to come see me, so obviously I'm not worth it to him, but will be to someone one day.

I am surviving the night - he's called twice and tells me he wishes I was there, blah blah blah, so that keeps me atleast feeling abit sane, but he knows somethings up because I didn't make the drive.

I feel good about myself right now - it scares me becuz I think he will see me pulling away and his wall will go up to protect himself, but if I what we have is worth saving to him, he will make some effort to fix it - just don't see that happening which is hurtful.

Anyway, it's nice to not wonder if his phone is going to ring tonight. Oh I still wonder and worry if he talked to her today or what they discussed, but can't control it so need to stop worrying about it.

Thanks again everyone who posted here and especially you Cramer for giving me encouragement and hope.

January 11, 2005
11:46 pm
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sunny64
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I spent over six years single, no dating, no nothing. I remember some lonliness but I was happy for the most part. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted and there was no one to justify it to. I could change my mind and change it again. I could rest when I was tired and get busy when I had energy. I could honor thyself. No guilt. No questions. No justifying. No worry. No unexpected surprises. Life was good.

January 12, 2005
12:43 am
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SweetAmanda
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I have also been feeling scared of being alone... Not so much a relationship, but it seems that I always need attention and to know that if I wanted a relationship, I could have it in a moments notice... It seems that I need to know that at least one guy is 'into' me at all times.

It's really not fair to him, or me. I don't want to lead anyone on. I wouldn’t want to be lead on. I want to have some fun, sure... But I don't want to be holding anyone by any strings.

I did go for a while with absolutely no male attention whatsoever. The last time I did that, in the purest sense of the word, would have been from the end of April to the beginning of July 2004. (So about 2.5 months)

Looking back, I can honestly say that I have never at any other time in my life gotten more done. (Goal-wise) I really grew close to God. I became my mom's best friend again. I spent free time with my younger brother. I started to read classic literature. I didn't miss any work. My room was neat. I started to go to a counselor. Really, very few things were 'off'. Of course, being me (LOL) at the time I thought I wasn't doing good enough, or that my life was moving too slow, etc. But I do remember being glad to be guy-less. It was really cool. I was also healing from a bad breakup.

Okay, all that said: I do not live on my own... I am with my mom and brother. BUT, as for some personal advantages to not having a partner:

My goals and dreams are my own. I do not have to compromise them for ANYONE. I have always wanted to do certain things in my lifetime... (Travel, have children and stay at home with them, live near an ocean, go back to school, do some extreme sports, volunteer at a pregnancy center, write a book, be a mentor, find a career, move out on my own, better myself, the list goes on...) And in the past when I have been with a guy, if we didn't have any of my goals in common, I would 'forget' about them. In essence, lose myself. That has to be the greatest plus to being single for me: I come first!

Also, I can be rude, have no manners, be gross. (To an extent. I try not to be cruel to my family, but I do not go around trying to be my best self around every thing with a penis.) I don't have to shave my legs if I don't want. (And trust me, I don't unless I have to!) LOL =)

Plus, if I lived with a guy, he would have to LOVE animals... Because I have a cat and 3 dogs. And the dogs sometimes sleep in my bed. Same thing with the cat. He'd just have to share me! I don't think there's a guy out there able to do that. lol So, I'm thinking that my youngest animal has about 13 more years to live? That will give me time to do all the stuff I want to do. (Minus the stay-at-home-mom part)

Plus, I can be as moody as I want. I don’t have to worry about hiding any of my feelings or being afraid that it will scare my guy off. Women can be very intense you know... And most men can’t handle that! 😉

All right I'm done. I promise. Thanks for reading this if anyone did!

~Amanda~

January 12, 2005
8:52 am
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CAMER
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Amanda.....way to go 3 dogs and a cat...true animal lover...thats one thing that I need a man to accept is my 2 dogs and maybe a 3rd down the road, and yes, they do sleep in my bed!!! it gets crowded, but they are like my babies!! glad to hear you
have the same values as I do & love pets!! ((( camer ))))

January 12, 2005
9:06 am
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I miss having animals so bad - when i got ivorced I had to give up my dog as I moved out of the house and into an apt. I had a horse which was my life line and since the breakup of my marriage I didn' have the money to keep him so I sent him up to live with my parents temporarily. I'm afraid to get a cat as I don't want to end up "the old maid cat lady"...

Oh well, I do live across the street from the beach and my lease us up in 3 months - I will move to a place where I can have a dog as I want my dog to sleep with me at night - they are the best. Unconditional love! I will hopefully be able to get my horse back by summer.

Well, camer I made it through the night. I never said why I didn't come see him, I am suppose to tonight now but am already filled with anxiety about it and it's only 6am here.

I am looking forward to my counselling appt on Thursday - I just want to get over this fear of being alone, rejected and want to start taking care of ME and not constantly worry about what he is doing and with who he's doing it with.

you all have a good day and I will check in when I get to work

January 12, 2005
11:43 am
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CAMER
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hellllo Dusty!!! thats a good thing for you, when your lease is up, move to a place that accepts pets...and yes, pets do give "unconditional" love,sometimes they are even better than people!!lol!!! and hopefully
you will get your horse this summer.
See Dusty, this is all good you are focusing on you, down the road, and not mentioning "his" name, cuz this is about you, your world, what YOU want and it is all good!!!!

Be easy on yourself tonite when you see him, take deep breaths and relax....and just be honest with him on how you feel, and whatever his re actions are, are his choice.

Keep me posted, ok!!! ((( camer ))))

January 12, 2005
12:29 pm
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ILSILS
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well i am so glad that this thread helped at least one to nitice that being alone at home isnt as bad as we all might fear. im loving it!
infact i am afraid that i might not ever want to stop. its liberating!
last night i slepted so hard it was great, no one tossing and turning and steeling my covers. Dusty- good for you for not making a trip that you know he wouldnt make. what good did you find out of it? you said he called 2times right? yeah bet he wouldnt have gone through all that effort if he still thought you were at his back and call. and when he askes why, tell him you just felt like walking around your apartment nakid. let him wonder.
love this thread!

January 12, 2005
2:20 pm
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This post is such a good idea, but it is making me so sad! I am happy for everyone who has found such happiness being to themselves, and I want that happiness and satisfaction for myself. I miss having that independence so so so much.

I feel like I don't know how to let go of this relationship. Because there are such good things about it, that I don't want to lose, and I wonder about our future together. But then there are all the other things I want to do without this relationship, such as going back to school, and not having to take care of anyone other than myself.

I have that lump in my chest just thinking about it, that heart-aching one. I want what you all have! It sounds like I'm asking for the best of both worlds.

Refuse2GiveUp

January 12, 2005
2:24 pm
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dustygirl
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Hi Camer and Ilsils; Thanks for all your support.

He asked if I was coming over tonight and I said yes, but am so nervous about it. He made an extra effort to call me about 30 minutes later just to say have a good day.

I think it's guilt on his part or he knows just what to say to keep me there - but I don't want to continue to fall for it. He's not worth it anymore - crumbs, that's all I get.

I know he's dealing with allot of problems at work and allot of emotions he's not use to feeling in regards to his wife and kids, but I deserve to be treated like a person not an object. I just wish it didn't hurt so bad.

Don't know what to do about tonight - just anxious when I think about it so...

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