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Adultery and guilt
November 22, 2000
3:19 pm
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jade
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About 10 years ago I had a crush on a "friend of the family" who was married and was almost 15 years older then me. To make a long story short, we started seeing each other. We connected right away and grew to love each other more everyday. Then a year later, I started dating an "amazing guy" who luckily was not married. I continued seeing both of them because I felt I was in love with the "family friend" and I just really liked the "amazing guy", plus I was young and I had no idea if there was going to be a serious future with the "amazing guy". As the years went on, the "family friend" and I tried to break it off plenty of times but we always ended up seeing each other again. Well, now 10 years later I just married the love of my life, the "amazing guy", and the last time I romantically saw the "family friend" was about 8 months ago although my husband and I see the "family friend" pretty often because he is a friend of the family. The "family friend" and I still talk on the phone, maybe once a week because we became best friends over the past 10 years. The "family friend" doesn't want our relationship to end, he truly believes we are going to end up together. My problem is, I still love the "family friend" as a person but my husband is the one I love more then life and he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Now, I just feel soooooo guilty for seeing the "family friend" the whole time I've been with my husband. If he ever found out he would think our whole relationship was a lie when it definitely was not. Do I tell my husband the truth about everything? Do I live with the guilt? Do I never talk to the "family friend" again? Can I still be friends with the "family friend"?

November 22, 2000
6:37 pm
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Molly
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Oh please, you little selfish, self centered twit, wanting it all eh? How dare you commit to the love of your life, while still playing fantasy with the "family friend" This is dynamite, and fire. Look at your actions, review your behavior, consider your character, and think about the question you ask. We want it all as humans don't we, but where was the family friend when commitment came into the picture, all he wants is to jump your bones. Get it, men are that way, like dad always said a man will always ask its up to the woman to say no. Don't make children until you have your act together. Its pretty simple to see that you are sexually weak. What else does the family friend have to offer after what 10 years? Be honorable to the man who was willing to commit, and live with your gulilt alone, be an honorable woman. Quit with the games, quit with the lies, quit seeking the high, the lust, and be honost, and loving to the man you made vows to. Grow up. Sorry if this is harsh, but you have no idea the emotional pain that gets created from casual indrescretion, and what about his wife and family? Shame on this flake for taking advantage of you, and leading you on a path to what????????? Cheap thrills, that could cost you your emotional well being, far less a clear concious, and well being.

November 24, 2000
11:31 am
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jade
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Molly,
Thank you, so much!!!!! You are 100% percent right with everything you said. The bottom line is, I do have to grow up and it is up to me to say no. As sick as it sounds, I do feel a bit bad for the family friend, he always says things like, we are soul-mates, I am the only person he can really talk to, he's never felt this way about anyone including his wife, he even says he'd leave his wife if I would be with him. I've been telling him for 2 years now, I can NEVER marry the type of person that he is and that my husband is the person that is perfect for me. But you know what, after reading what you wrote I realize it is not about him at all, it's about me and my husband. My husband and I are the happiest couple I know and I never want to do anything to jeopardize that. Secretly interacting with the family friend is so NOT worth loosing everything I have with my husband. One thing I am grateful for is, I never sexually cheated on my husband while I was engaged or married to him, and thanks to you I never will. Everything you wrote was somewhere inside of me, but when you are involved in it, it is hard to see the whole picture clearly. Well, thanks again for your honesty. I hope you take your own advice, if or when you get married. You sound like an honorable woman. I myself am going to start working on it. I think I'll be off to a good start now…

November 25, 2000
12:29 pm
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Molly
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My truth is learned from experience. I took for granted certain things, and thought that things would just flow with out cost. My nieviety cost me allot, and I learned that not all people have good intentions, or my best interest in their actions, but most have their own agendas. I learned to draw boundry lines, which I am still in the process of defining, practice makes perfect. My first marriage of almost 16 years was destroyed by both of us, first him thinking he could live out fantasies, and second by me for not taking a stand on what I knew to be right, but I wanted to please him. I met another man right away who said and did all the right things, but only had his needs in mind. I needed his love, because I didn't know to look for my self love, and again needed to please. Thank God I got that lesson. For years we fought because we did not do the "right things"healthy things, thought out things, it has been hell and bliss, working through these issues, and lots of lessons along the way, and I share these lessons as the opportunities arise, so that others don't have to pay the price. I try to follow my own advice, its like a gut feeling I get when I am off track, now I question, before I do anything crazy, or sponteanous. Good luck to you and thank you for acknowledging what might not have been comfortable, but it is hard to see when we are in the thick of things, and I so wish some one had been bold enough to point out the cost of some of my choices, that damn free will thing celebrate who you are, and that you have something beautiful, and that it will take lots of work to keep it that way.

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