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Adult child of Alcholic: finds another alcoholic relationship
July 29, 2004
1:40 am
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leilanilinn
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This is an issue that hurts me so much. I have recently separated from my partner who is an alcholic. Our relationship slowly spiralled downward after his 2 year sobriety, when he found the bottle again. It has been a year of hell. I'm now so confused because I hear so much feedback and opinions and I don't know what to think anymore. I fell in love with him because he is a kind and sensitive man sober, but when he drinks he is cruel. So my dilemma is am I with this man because he is alcoholic like my father or am I with him because I love him for what he is sober? I know that I need to leave but is there any success stories or positive feedback with this type of issue.

July 29, 2004
9:49 am
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CAMER
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My friend in CA has been sober for almost 15 years and was married to a woman 2 years ago, and they get along great. He has no desire whatsoever to drink again. I guess what I am saying is the person who is alcoholic *must* want to stay sober and work the program and attend meetings...I can see if they drink again with a history of sobriety in between but if they constantly drink and don't care and this brings you down, that's when you have to ask yourself, is it worth staying in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about their drinking or how the drinking will affect you.

July 29, 2004
1:05 pm
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cak
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I too know someone that relaspe.She was married to a wonderful man who stayed with her. She now has 18yrs Sober and has been married to this man for 17yrs. They have a wonderful relationship and family. She did a lot of work on herself and so did he.
She continues to go to meetings and He attends his Al Anon meetings. Love them both great people. Good luck on whatever you decide to do.
Cak

July 29, 2004
1:26 pm
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fairy99
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Having been an alcoholic in the past I can relate to your feelings. It's a control thing. We use alcohol to help control the things we can't when we are sober. I was mean and cruel when I was drinking and at my best when I wasn't. He truely needs to be sober, but with that comes alot of free time and fear. Free time meaning, what to do when you can't drink and fear meaning how do I handle this sober. My father was an alcoholic, but I can't blame it on him, I knew what I was doing and just didn't care. He has to really wanna get better before you can have a healthy relationship. He needs to find an outlet to substitute for the booze or it will drive him and you crazy. I know you love him, but you have to think of you and what you want from all of this. It's hard to leave because you feel guilty that you couldn't help and that you gave up. You didn't give up, you just chose a different path to take. Only you can decide how much you can take. My prayers are with you sweetie.

July 29, 2004
1:29 pm
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movingon
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You will go down a hard road with your partner if you choose to stay - I know that drinking is a symptom of serious problems. You can cure one symptom, but it can manifest itself in other areas. Getting too the root of the problem is not an easy hurdle to get over. You need to decide what kind of life you want for yourself without guilt - we cannot save others from themselves - believe me I know as I tried to help, save, whatever you want to call it, for a very long time. In my case , it didn't work, but I do know of success stories, but both partners were equally invested in solving the issues. I wish you the best in your decision, believe me I've been there for a long time. I wish I had made my decision to move on sooner - it has been hard, but it has been a huge relief.

July 29, 2004
1:37 pm
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kathygy
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As to why you love this man, it maybe that because your father was an alcoholic, alcoholic behavior is familiar and that is what you associate with love. Adult children of alcoholics often attract and fall in love with alcoholics in atempt to relive the relationship with the alcoholic parent. It is possible that you would not love this man if he were not an alcoholic. Protect yourself and leave. My father was an alcoholic and I know first hand the misery and emotional damage living with an alcoholic can be. They are different when they are sober but it doesn't help if they're drinking. You can't have a healthy, intimate relationship with an alcoholic only chaos and tons of pain.

July 29, 2004
2:27 pm
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cak
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Thought I would comment again. I hope you don't take what I said the wrong way. My friend did separate for awhile until she got enough sober time behind her to continue her program and not blame him.
However not all Alcoholics are sincere about being sober. Can be awful to live with.
Sometimes the only option you have is to leave for your sake and if you have children.
I can relate I married more than one alcoholic and addict lived yrs of trying to get help for him and myself.
None are sober even today.

I am so much happier too. I don't have to live in it...
Alcohol is just a symtom...
It takes a long time for someone to get sober and stay sober.
They have to do it for themselves and know that they are the problem. With or without a family they can get sober.
You are not responable for him....
He is.
My prayer are with you.

July 30, 2004
1:52 am
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leilanilinn
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I really want to thank all of you for your kind and thoughtful opinions. I haven't received this much help in a long time and I appreciate your feedback. I'm still struggling with why I want to be with him. So I have decided to be alone for a few days to try to think about all my options. This is the first alcoholic or addict that I have been with in my life, so I know in my heart I am not attracted to the patterns of my alcoholic father. I think that I have not grown up because of the dysfunctional home that I grew up in. And this is why I need to be in constant crisis or create dilemmas within my family.
Does anyone have any feedback to help me understand this painful issue.

Sincerely

July 30, 2004
1:08 pm
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kathygy
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It sounds like you have answered your own question when you said you grew up in a dysfunctional family and that is why you need to be in constant crisis, because that is what is familiar. I grew up with truama/drama in my family and I am also used to crisis. I need to learn the rewards of a life without drama, the rewards of a working relationship without the highs and lows. This I have made a lot of progress on. It can feel uncomfortable to be in a calm and steady relationship but far more rewarding.

August 1, 2004
11:31 pm
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leilanilinn
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August 1, 2004
11:31 pm
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leilanilinn
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August 1, 2004
11:46 pm
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laura2
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Maybe you should let go of the outcome and do what makes YOU happy. If your partner has it in him he will fix himself as he did before. So while he is in the process of doing that, remove yourself from the situation. It's not your problem, it's his. Sticking around at this point will only suck you in to his drama and that will not help your relationship if there is one to be salvaged. Remember, even though you love him, you have to love yourself more! Alcoholism has a way of destroying the affected person and everyone nearby and as a child of an alcoholic, you already know that.

August 2, 2004
10:58 pm
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leilanilinn
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I am trying to emotionally detach myself from his issues. And I have to say it is emotionally draining however, I am starting to feel a sense of liberation. Or a weight off my shoulders. Sometimes it takes an intense crisis to realize why we are in the state we are. I had a lady come into my store and out of the blew said things that blew my mind. They say things all happen for a reason. I'm beginning to believe that. Thank you for all your valuable comments.

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