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adopted searching for birth father
October 31, 2006
1:22 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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lolli-

Now, this is what my daughter wants. We have asked her a number of times. She still carries my maiden name. She wants her last name to be the same as her sister, and her two brothers. Along with mine and my husbands obviously. We have said that if the time comes that she wants to find her dad, my husband said that he would put her in the car and take her to find him. I think that she will be very disapointed. Two years ago ew found him and asked him to sign off on her, and he was not willing. His response was, he doesn't even know for sure that she is his. My husband then told him, that first, he has raised her for seven years and she looks JUST like her dad. Second, if he really, truly cared he has had seven years to figure it out. He wanted to think about it. Now, we can file abandonment because, he has had no support EVER, and NO contact since she was 6 months old. He just wants to be difficult.

Will post more in a minute...

October 31, 2006
1:29 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Now, my husband isn't perfect by any stretch, but he truly isn't an all bad guy. When we got married 3 and a half years ago, he got down on his knees and gave her a ring and promised to be the best daddy that he could be to her, and I think for the most part that he does a damn fine job. Nobody that we know thinks that he treats her ANY different than he does his own three. When we told her that she wasn't his, we told her that what made her special was that most daddys don't get to choose their kids, and he didn't get to choose the ones that are biologically his, but he DID get to choose her. And that did make her feel special. We went through some very rough times after all of her brain surgeries and that really took it's toll on all of us. We were both very stressed out, and I don't think that either one of us handled the situation very well at all. But, not any worse than most parents would. I don't think.

October 31, 2006
1:40 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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This is something that I know for fact that she wants and it would mean the world to him. I know that if ANYTHING were to happen to me, I would want him to have her. And I know in my heart that is what he would want. She needs to be with her brothers and her sister. I think that if anything were to happen to me right now, that my mom would fight for her, and my mom screwed my life up bad enough that I don't want her to have that chance with her. There are a lot of reasons that we want this to happen, I just want to make sure that we are making the right choice. Even if we were to wind up divorced, I would NEVER take her away from him. To her that is her dad, and he has been there for EVERYTHING that child has done and been through from finding out the day after she turned one that she had been sexually abused, to anything that you can think of. I just want what is the best for her. I know that this is what she wants. She tells us that anyways. And I have NO reason to not believe her.

Thanks for taking the time to respond to me. I truly appreciate it.

Mich

October 31, 2006
7:01 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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October 31, 2006
2:18 pm
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mamac
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I am adopted. And I must tell you I knew both my parents . for years I thought that my dad hated me and that I was just given away, because he knew where I was and never contacted me. I have trust issues, I cant trust anyone. But remember that you were only a child and no matter if he is a jerk or not it is not your fault. It does not mean he dosent love you or that you are not worthy of love. I felt for years I was not worthy of being loved because my father didnt want me, and if my own father didnt love me who would. That was all the wrong thinking. It is what a childs mind beleives, and now your not child anymore. And have to find out the truth. Somtimes the truth can not be found, somtimes you will have to accept that. But in the mean time, write your father a letter, even if you have no one to send it to. Tell him all your feelings, then read it outloud to somone you love or a counciler. Beleive me it might help. And save it, or burn it. Your choice. If one day you find him you can get out your feelings. I know what it feels like to not feel like you have a fmily of your own, we go through life seeing blood relatives take each other for granted, not knowing what a wonderful thing it is to be unconditionally loved. You are never alone... People here are just like you and have felt the same things. Forget what your child mind has made you beleive all these years. Look deeper under the surface. Take care

October 31, 2006
10:21 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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bumping this for lolli to read

November 1, 2006
5:51 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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November 1, 2006
7:44 pm
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lolli
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Scared,

It is good that you have been so thorough in communication with your daughter. It sounds like you and your husband are doing all the "right" things. Too bad her bio-father is having such a difficult time accepting or even admitting that he gave up HIS responsibility. That must make things really hard on you and (eventually) her. But the most important thing is that she has you and your husband... and it sounds like you love her very, very much!

I am so glad I could tell you my story... it felt good to tell it to a mom who cares and would listen. Even if it is not MY mom! lol You still "count" because you are SOMEONE'S mom... and it helped me a lot to be able to say it. 🙂 So thank you for the opportunity.

about your very last post - did i miss something before? Maybe you already posted about this on another thread... but did you say your daughter was sexually abused as a baby? I am so sorry about that. it must have been devastating for you to find out about that. do you want to talk about it? what happened? did it have to do with your mother? I was sexually abused as a baby... I only have one memory of it, and I'm just starting to deal with the implications of it... but I think in a way it is "different" from the abuse that happened when I was older. I mean it affected me differently because I was a baby. anyway, i'm here if you want to talk about that.

((scared)) - I will send you and your family good thoughts.

November 1, 2006
7:48 pm
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lolli
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mamac,

thank you for the suggestion of writing the letter. i think you are right. now, i just have to get up the courage to do it! i made a collage about it... but i'm having a hard time with words. i think they might come out sounding very childlike, but i guess i'm just going to have to be okay with that and not censor myself. i think the part of me that was hurt by his abandonment is very, very young.

your advice is very good - getting past my inner child's perceptions of what happened and seeing it more from an adult perspective - that it wasn't my fault. how did you get there? from the letter writing? or were there more things you did? did you ever talk to your biodad again?

thanks for your support. it means so much. ((mamac))

November 1, 2006
10:07 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I do care, and I do appreciate this thread. I do care that I do and say the best things to her that I can. I am trying to be a good mom, and I son't want to truly screw her up.

I can't get into the conversation tonight about the sexual abuse of my daughter thing. And I think that it has happened since then as well. about two years ago. I was sexually abused for years, and it destroyed me. Yes, we found out the day after she turned one that she had been sexually abused, after weeks of questioning it. Different things that she did and ways that she responded to being wiped at diaper changes and stuff.....ok, I really can't do this tonight. But I will sometime. Thank you for caring enough to ask.

Mich

November 1, 2006
10:57 pm
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lolli
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Scared,

I can identify a lot with what you said...

I've been thinking a lot lately about how to be a good mom. I'm not one yet, but I do wonder if I should decide to become one... would I be any good (considering the dysfunctional environment where I was raised)? My big fear is that I would unknowingly pass the dysfunction onto my children like a bad, genetic disease.

My conclusion so far is this: I think I would be a good mom precisely because I am aware that there are many potential pitfalls... I would be a good mom precisely because I would be afraid I wasn't. Does that make sense? I dunno. It sounded great when my bf and I talked about it over breakfast. Something about the Socratic method and always questioning yourself, etc.

Anyway, my point (I think) is that as long as you continue to question and get help and do the best you can to protect and respect your daughter... then you ARE a good mom.

Sometimes bad things happen that are outside our control. That's really sad, but that's part of life. As long as you and your husband are good to her, she will be strong enough to weather all the unfortunate outside stuff that comes her way.

I hope you understand what I'm trying to say... hang in there. we're all here to support you:)

((scared))

November 2, 2006
8:41 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks again for taking the time to care...

November 2, 2006
4:19 pm
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lolli
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you are welcome!

((scared))

November 2, 2006
6:32 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Well, we were supposed to file the paperwork yesterday, but it is going to have to wait until tomorrow...But I am going to file tomorrow...They are VERY excited, and as am I.

November 2, 2006
8:01 pm
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lolli
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Congratulations SIM!!! Hope you get a chance to celebrate:)

November 3, 2006
9:35 am
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mamac
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well unfortuantly it me me losing my bio mom to fianally meet my dad. when my mom died we had to go back to the state where I was born. so my sis and I went to confront my father. When we met him ws when we reall yrealized that it was him all these years and not us. He was a pathalogical lyer. Who had problems of his own. That put alot of things ot rest.

November 3, 2006
10:13 am
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caraway
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lolli,

Just saw this for the first time today. My father took off when I was 18 mos. old and I have no memory of him ever living with us. My mother never said anything negative about him and would really only answer specific questions.

I had painted a picture from photographs and stories of this handsome, adventurious man. My mother took us to meet my father when I was 10. My father was in a Veterns hospital and if I could take that day back I would. My father had continued to drink over the years and looked 30 years older than his actual age. I found this man to be an awful person.

I was much better not knowing him.

Cary

November 3, 2006
4:45 pm
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lolli
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mamac,

I'm sorry you lost your biomom, and I'm sorry it went the way it did with your bfather. That sounds like it would have been really painful and difficult to understand for a while.

if you don't mind telling me... what did he say when you met him? how did he explain (or did he even try to)?
does he have any other kids?

I'm so sorry he wasn't a good guy. You seem like such a caring and wise person - you deserved to have a good dad. But I guess it says something wonderful about you that you turned out so great in spite of the circumstances.

thank you so much for sharing your experience. it helps me immeasurably.

((mamac))

November 3, 2006
4:49 pm
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lolli
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cary,

thank you for sharing your story. i'm sorry it was so painful for you. i can imagine it was difficult to understand about his alcoholism, etc when you were only 10. what did your mom say about it after the meeting? how did she explain his behavior... or was she just as surprised as you?

it is good to hear your point of view because so far everyone else says that though they were disappointed, they felt better knowing. i'm still trying to weigh through all the possibilities and your perspective is really valuable. thank you so much for sharing.

Also, I'm wondering... have you seen or heard anything about him since then?

((cary))

November 3, 2006
6:25 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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The paperwork is filed...

November 3, 2006
10:01 pm
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lolli
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YAY... SIM!!! Does that mean it is official?

November 3, 2006
10:09 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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It could take up to six months, but it has been filed, and at least we have started the process..

November 5, 2006
10:21 pm
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lolli
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Hi SIM,

I hope you and your kids are okay. I think I read on another post that they were having health problems. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers...

((SIM))

November 5, 2006
10:25 pm
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lolli
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Getting back to the topic of contacting birth parents...

can anyone here tell me what they said during the first contact? any tips on how to break the ice? any tips on not scaring him away?

my worst fear is that he'll reject me point blank. he'll hang up or just never answer the phone or not call back. I don't have a definite address... i have about 5 or so... so i think i'll have to call.

i'm really starting to lean towards doing it (thanks to all the opinions/comments listed here- thanks guys)... but i'm still working on the plan.

do i sound like a broken record? i feel like one... i guess i just have to keep practicing the scenario in my head till i feel comfortable with it.

any comments/advice appreciated.

November 6, 2006
2:45 pm
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caraway
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lolli,

I saw my father one more time, after the initial meeting, I was 12 or so. I spent about 15 minutes with my father and realized that he was drunk and that I really didn't know him.

I imagined some "Hallmark card" moment where my Father tells me that he loves me and is proud of me and that he has kept up with my life in some way... wrong. My father called me by my older brother's name, 9 years older to be exact, and ask me, "if I was getting any?"

I left the motel he was staying in and that was it. I I stopped my Mother's job one day after school when I was 14 and she told me that my Father had died. Apparatnly, my Father was living on the street and in VA hospitals and died of something alcohol realted illness. I rememeber very clearly feeling like I had just heard about some stranger on the news. I couldn't muster up one tear and did not attend a burial. I don't think that anyone attended anything and in fact I think that the government paid to have him cremated and that his ashes are buried somewhere in Georgia?

Cary

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