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Adjusting, Sadness, Lonliness, & I still love him
June 22, 2009
3:07 pm
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willBhappy
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September 27, 2010
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so it goes like this: I met this guy 2 yrs ago, we clicked. I automatically loved his want and desire to want me around all the time. We hung out every other night, made dinners, started "our" own little quarks, this turning into every night...he wanted nothing but for me to be his GF and even on some occassions told me he loved me...of course making me feel good, positive and in-love.

There were a few kinks in the beginning, a lie or 2, He just wasnt ready to give up his single life - he loves attention and to know that he can be chased by woman...a womanizer - I gave him altimatum...he had to cut it out or I was done...so he chose me...making me feel again like #1 - i was hearing things about him possibly still being w/ his EX, but we were together at all times there was never a chance...or was there...I will never know.

He had a cotastrophy in his house and had to "temporarily" live with me (Which turned into full time)...which is where all the co-dep comes into play. I felt the need to be the positive motivator in his life...push him to not be 'depressed' about the house and move on...Well, He was a drinker...at this point I had seen him on many drunken evenings and had to lay down ground rules..no liquor anymore, which he abided by...and so on with the rules.

He was unemployed, depressed looking for a job everyday...we barely had sex unless we were both messed up and feeling "happy"... meanwhile I was deep down feeling ugly b/c he never seemed to want to touch me...none-the-less an alcoholic, never had the desire to function, at least w/ me.

So we not only had the "dry spell", but this turned into resentment and drunken arguments...mean things were said. It was so hurtful to me that I was the breadwinner, although he had credit cards he used and got money f/ family when needed, BUT i woke up everyday M-F and went to a full time job while he lolli-gagged at home....granted he did look for jobs...but it always had to be the "perfect job" which he could never seem to find...

I began to feel like the mommy, come home from work, pick up after his mess, ask him if he looked for jobs, take him here, drive ourselves there...more resentment. So basically in Jan of this year we decided to just bring in the new year RIGHT and HAPPY...things were spectacular for awhile...then in March he got a great job, finally a good change but i thought wrong - I guess I was way too used to the old routine of me being "mommy" that when he did get this job, It was hard for me to adjust and cope...he was no longer the needy guy w/out a job, he was the man I always wanted him to be...but the adjustment and change of routine was HARD. He was very tired and frustrated the 1st week...with the new routine, set schedule and training he was in...he seemed distant from me...I took it to heart. Didnt understand why he wasnt talking, why he was distant...so one night at happy hour we got into a fight and it all went downhill from there.

we got drunk, had a few mean words and he left me at the bar we were at w/ some of our friends...i had no car, keys or anything and felt very betrayed that he would be so ignorant to do this. after that, I lost much respect for him. What kinda real man would leave the woman they love at a bar..whether you thought I wanted to stay or not...I was locked out of my apt all night..furious..the next night was his friends B-day party which I decided NOT to attend out of retaliation of what he did to me AND the pure fact that at this point I am sick of his drinking binges...

apparnetly he goes to the B-day gathering and gets trashed...next thing I know, its 2 a.m. and he is on the floor outside the apartment knocking to get in...too drunk to find his keys or even stand...This just escalated into more arguments..I was starting to get at my ends rope w/ him and these actions. I felt he had his job and didnt "need" me anymore so he became rude, crude, ignorant, drunk...

I was feeling the need to change some things...be in a new happy environment...i asked him if he wanted to move to a bigger place, more room, something we would both have our name on and call our own...he declined saying he wanted to get caught up w/ his bills and life...this leaving me think that he just wanted to live off of me forever and never change. He knew there was never a deadline for him to give me rent money...he knew that in my place he could always have the opp to up and leave - there was no set committment althoguh we talked about marriage, he couldnt take the jump for the move...

Fast forward to a few weeks later when his drnking binges on the weekends got worse...we were constantly in and out of the bed...one on couch, one in bed...i stayed at friends on many nights just because I didnt want to see his face...we barely talked it was truely 2 ships passing in the night...we never made eye contact, kissed goodybye...it felt we became strictly platonic friendly roommate situation. Would hang out every now and then, have drinks and some argument would always come up - but never understanding where it really stemmed from...

I went to a co-workers bbq one day..he went to a local festival...I invited him w/ me, and he wanted to come but wnated me to get him f/ the fest which i decided not to do...in my eyes, if he wanted to come w/ me he could have waited at home til i was ready NOT took the first plunge to the local beer garden....later that evening, we were in touch and talked about meeting up -- he asked me to get him, which i refused b/c I was still mad that in my eyes he chose beer over me....

This particular night was his friends B-day, we all went to a bar, I was telling him to come up and he "claimed" he just had no ride and if I wanted him there I had to get him....this night, wherever he was, he runs into his EX, someone who always found a way to come back into his life and find him at his low moments...they got a hotel room....and although he claims he was too drunk to do anything, Im certain somethign happened.

My motto was that it was wrong for him to of been there that night w/ HER. Me on the other hand, was no better, I went home with a guy that I had been casually friends w/ and it was rumored he had a crush on me....I loved the feeling that this guy wanted me, liked me, smiled when he saw me, i didnt have to "babysit" him....

Next day...me and the boyfriend act like nothing happend, went about our daily business, barely talked... i heard from friends where he really was taht night. He knew it was over as soon as I found out...he knew she was a boundary he never should have crossed. I had been wanting to get out of the apt we were in and here was my excuse..I told him he can have her, we were through, he had 30 days to move and try to avoid me at all cost....Im feeling strong and on top...I caught it before it was too late and continued behind my back...I canceled my lease and put in request to move to new place...ready to start a happy life and meet someone who would never do that to me....

we stayed under the same roof for that 30 days...still had dinner together and watched tv and movies...but it was never the same - I felt too betrayed...I let him hold me at night and would wake up very hurt that i was giving him the impression that what he did was the least bit accetpable. Finally, moving day approaches and i had his stuff packed by the door...I went out of town as not to be there for the sad move...

He went out w/ a bang. the night before he moved, went out, got trashed, tried walking home from bar, called me at 3 a.m., where I found him sh**-faced on the side of the road...this was disgusting to me...this is the guy I could not wait to get rid of...

I came back from vaca happy to see that part of my life was gone...spent the next week packing up my own things...hanging out with girls that make me happy and smile...still hearing rumors about him around town...he still sees her every now and then...but he loves me...

I moved last week....it has been the hardest week for me. I never thought it would be this hard - I was waiting to go to the new apt happy and liberated and free and I have been crying everyday. Should i have handled things differently w/ him...givin him the benefit of doubt and sought out couples therapy.. after all- it was more or less ME who pushed him away even though it was HIS drinking that made me not want to be around him. we wanted a future together...I never let myself sit down and relax and soak up the fact that it was really "over" and now I have it all on my shoulders.

I saw him this weekend and it was great...this was the first time we had enjoyed each other company, smiled, kissed, looked in each others eyes. He told me he will do anything for me and to work on "us"...he is still bragging about how good of a weekend he had...it felt great to have him sleep beside me like we used to and hold me like he really loved me...watch him get up and walk out the door for work...at this point, is it possible that we may love each other enough to change things and work it out....or is this co-dep just taking over the both of us.

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