Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Addicts
May 21, 2005
10:55 am
Avatar
spicegirl2005
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My boyfriend is an alcoholic. Last night he got drunk and called me up in the middle of the night and was yelling at me and cursing me out, really nasty. I got really upset, was crying, stayed up all night crying. Now this morning, he calls and apologizes and is sssooo sorry, wants me to go to AA with him. I always forgive him, no matter what he does. I can guarantee you if I did the same thing - he would not be so easy to forgive me. I don't know what to do. I want to be there to support him, but I don't want to get sucked into his disease again. Do I want to have children with someone who has the potential of being drunk 5 nights out of 7? Do I want someone like that in my life? why do I love him so much? why can't I let him go and self destruct on his own? I am having a hard time detaching myself from his problems!! any advice out there?

May 21, 2005
11:27 am
Avatar
Desert Moon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

spicegirl,

Write down all the times he has done this throughout your history together. See a pattern? Don't try to fix it for him just because he is sorry, it will only happen again. He is hurting you by raging at you. HE feels better after doing that; he got it out of his system by using you as a sounding board until the next time. That is why he can say he is sorry. You are a victim. Don't let him drag you down. Let him fix himself. You cannot fix him, but you need to fix you by getting away from his toxicity.

May 23, 2005
2:08 pm
Avatar
shyshy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I second that!!

Besides, what happens if you help him get better and then after he's better he tells you he's not sure about how he feels about you? That happens a lot!!

May 23, 2005
2:18 pm
Avatar
kathygy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Why are you not loving yourself? Why are you not valuing yourself? Why do you not care about how you are treated? If you did you would not put up with this treatment. You would not marry an alcoholic. If you do you are in for tons of heartaches. You can't help him. He has to get sober on his own and stay sober forever. How realistic is that given his history?

May 23, 2005
2:36 pm
Avatar
glittered when he walked
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Spice,

Is he alcoholic? I mean he certainly sounds like one, but has he been to AA before?

You say you always forgive him no matter what he does..do you sometimes not voice your unhappiness? Do you seek to forgive him just to make things work?

If you want to support him while he's in recovery that could be a very good thing. If you are concerned about "getting sucked into his disease again" could you make sobriety a condition of your being in a relationship with him? you do know that you can't fix him right? Only he can do that. The only thing we non-addicts can do is control our responses. What we should not do is to not enable their using..is this what you mean when you say "get sucked into disease?"

May 23, 2005
6:20 pm
Avatar
Deena
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

spice, my ex was an alcoholic regardless if he wanted to admit it or not. Yeah I made all the excuses in the world for him and loved him wholeheartedly. He left me and I was devesated but the truth is I don't miss that life at all. You will see that. He used to do all kinds of weird stuff, piss the bed, piss in the cat box, load his guns in a drunken stooper and completely freak me out. Finally I discovered, Im glad not to live like that anymore. Maybe you just haven't reached the point where you just had enough. But don't make excuses for him and don't put up with that. I know it's hard but find it within yourself to be strong. Keep your head up!

May 23, 2005
6:23 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Spice,

I've been exactly where you are.

Perhaps you could try a local Al-anon meeting. It's a free support group for friends and families of alcoholics. I found it to be very helpful...not an overnight cure but helpful. Give it a try.

For myself, my b/f has been sober for 9 months now. I'm very proud of him but just remember, being sober doesn't take away all problems. It some cases (such as my own), it creates new ones.

Good luck....my thoughts are with you.

May 23, 2005
6:58 pm
Avatar
InPainZHT
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My ex didn't care for alcohol that much but couldn't stay away from either Somas, Xenax, Marijuana or (preferably) Crystal meth. When the crystal meth cravings maxed out is when she changed the most and flipped her life upside down (ever so many months).

I had to realize I have to protect and love myself and remove myself once I learned she was trying to incorporate me into her "good today, evil tomorrow" drama.

Remember, when you feel angry, nothing this fellow did MADE you angry; I had to learn the source of my anger and frustration was MYSELF... either by trying to control my mate (Fix her, etc), or getting mad at myself for putting up with the insanity for so long.

Upward and onward!

InPain

May 23, 2005
7:02 pm
Avatar
angel4U
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

InPainZHT - WAY TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!

May 23, 2005
7:08 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

In Pain,

Have we met???? It seems as though you just described exactly what I've been going through.

Good for you and thanks for the reminder.

Lollipop

May 23, 2005
9:45 pm
Avatar
InPainZHT
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

lollipop3,

Don't know if we have met or not; your nick doesn't sound familiar.... you may feel as though you have met me due to the simular situation (or was that the intent of your remark?)

Yes, my therapist gave me enough analogies regarding "keys and keyholes", saying that there is no such thing as a wrong key or keyhole, but simply the fact that some keys do not MATCH up to some keyholes. I tend to think that pathological or insane keys or keyholes HAVE no proper matches, but that discussion is beyond my training and experience in psychology.

All I know is that I basically was put through the "fun house of mirrors" long enough to know it was time to leave. Joseph Heller's "Catch-22" didn't have SQUAT on what I just experienced.

Some of my friends, with whome I am back in regular contact with now, are all saying "welcome back", and I think that says it all.

InPain

May 23, 2005
9:50 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

LOL....that was the intent. I just happen to be dealing with exactly what you described....the frustration trying to contol and the anger at myself for putting up with it.

Your post was a much needed reminder for me....thanks again

lollipop

May 24, 2005
12:04 am
Avatar
morning girl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

spicegirl,

My ex is an addict and drained all my energy and income in the five years we were together. I simply had enough of the drama and abuse, then the feeble apologies that followed. It was always the same pattern and I started to think that I would rather deal with all the abuse rather than be alone. But that is not healthy. How long have you been with your boyfriend? If you are like me, it took me a long time to realize that things were never going to get any better as long as the addict behavior continues. I tried so many times and so many different ways, thinking I could change my ex and nothing worked. He still even to this day begs me to come back to him. But now I have seen the other side. And you will too if you can leave him. It is so great not being in a relationship where all my energy is spent focused on someone else. We are only responsible for ourselves. You cannot be responsible for his recovery, you can only try to create a healthy life for yourself.

Much love and support, MG

May 24, 2005
7:11 am
Avatar
InPainZHT
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It sure is a good feeling when you can come to a site and share experiences with others who have gone through what you have.

One of my biggest enemies is my own tendency to try to "analyze and figure out" what is before me; I often try to think my way through drama and as you all know this is a no-win scenario. You never win a match when the other contestent finds him or herself free to constantly change the rules to keep themselves ahead.

My ultimate "conclusion" was that, it didn't matter if she was a severe drama addict, a codependent, merely a crystal methamphetamine user or if she honestly suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder... or a combination of them (very likely); my trip through the funhouse of mirrors was over. I decided very early that it WAS better to be alone than put up with the abuse.

Each of us who are fortunate enough to be able to break free have a "snapping point"; not a log destroys you, but a mere straw that breaks the camel's back. Mine was when she called me a silly street name that she assigned to the most dreadful, loathsome and disgusting people in her life (a "punk bitch" as it were). When that happened, I realized I was dealing with something I wasn't ready for.

InPainZHT

May 24, 2005
9:56 am
Avatar
spicegirl2005
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks everyone. You are all so right!! I cannot fix him..I know that deep down, but it's just hard to remember sometimes. Well he came over and apologized for treating me like crap (same ole same ole). He said he was going to a meeting, and asked me to go with him. I declined and said that he has to do this on his own and I cannot help him, just like he can't help me with my co-dependency. I told him that I care about him, but that his alcoholism is a personal problem. I still think about his problem alot -which is not good for me either...but I just take it one day at a time.

May 24, 2005
11:43 am
Avatar
second hand rose
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I've been there a lot and he is on his own program. He will recover or he will not, with you or without you. You have no control.
Alanon is a wonderful organization. It helped me remember that I am the person that I need to focus on and I am the person that I need to love and nuture. It is impossible for me to help anyone unless I am healthy. Even then it's not me that helps, it's a higher power working through me and others.
God Bless

May 30, 2005
12:31 am
Avatar
cascade
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This is my first time on this website and I like the idea of this being a support group for co-dependents. My story is very similar as my husband was/is a cocaine addict that I was with many years before I realized that things wouldn't change and I had to get out for my own sanity. I was constantly concerned with the example this was setting up for my kids and now I see I had every reason to be concerned as my oldest is in a similar situation (addict). I feel totally helpless even though my first instinct is to help(fix) the problem. Words of support would be greatly appreaciated.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
40
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111048
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38581
Posts: 714357
Newest Members:
nickvoz, jron1945bas, juliaopty, uoi, jamescortes, rickymorgan3165
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information