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Addiction to a bad realtionship? Please help!!!!
January 25, 2006
3:40 pm
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karmapolice
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It’s been 5 months that my ex bf broke up with me after 3 years of living together. Our relationship had the whole package: verbal abuse (him), lack of emotional intimacy (both), passive aggressive behaviour and withholding of affection (me), you guys get the picture. The reason of the break-up was “he couldn’t deal with the problems anymore”. But now I realized that I, without knowing it, had started to detach from him the last months we were together. After breaking up, I realized I was also addicted to this person, I really thought I would die if he wasn’t coming back because I felt physically ill and could hardly breathe.

My ex’s behaviour after the break up made it incredible hard for me to move on. He never really said goodbye to me up to this day, he moved out saying he needed time and barely spoke to me in the next couple of months. I was, at that time, waiting around for him to have some kind of closure. But to my surprise, he became a party animal, he would party every night, every time I saw him in at a local pub he was high/drunk, euphoric, and would come to my table to say hi and treated me as if we were the coolest friends in the world ( however he never introduced me to his new roommates or told me where he was living ) I was puzzled, I didn’t know how to react to this, I was in so much pain and couldn’t believe he would treat me as if everything was good between us and we were “acquaintances” , so I started to avoid places I might find him.

By the third month after breaking up, I had a weak moment and called him because I got fired from my job, and cried and told him how I still loved him. Then he started to call me daily for like a month and showed some interest in getting back together. However, by that time, he was already seeing other people, although he would deny it to me. He lied so much to me during that time, that I lost all the remains of respect and trust I had for him. By the end of November he called me to say: “I am seeing someone else and NOW I know I don’t want us to get back together anymore”. The whole truth is that his now gf had been his roommate for the last 5 months, so he was pretty much waiting too hook up with her to let go of me.

After that last phone call, I decided not to contact him anymore. That went well until xmas, when run into him at a party where he was with his new gf, but asked me to talk to him for a few minutes, I said no, so he started to txt me to my cell phone, again and again begging me to talk to him and I kept saying no. At the end of the party he talked to me anyways, for some reason I couldn’t feel angry at him I felt nothing, just numb, anyways, he told me he was moving back to his country for work, but I shouldn’t worry about the money he owes because a friend was going to deposit it for me every month. Even the next day he still sent me texts saying not to worry about the money. BS! he was trying to get a reaction from me. He didn’t. I wasn’t worry about the money; I just wanted it to be over once and for all!

The thing is he lives now in another country, not sure if with his new gf or not, and still txts me from his new number asking me whether I got the money, to which I didn’t reply, cause I am now dealing directly with our mutual friend about that. And last Friday I got and email from him asking if I got his last txt msg and “hows everything , are you ok, just say anything since I don’t know if you’re still mad at me cause you never reply my texts or anything” And I wonder how can he be so oblivious of my feelings? How can he ask me whether I am mad at him after all? Mad is not the word, I wish he was dead!

I am so angry at him I just can’t believe he has the nerve of contacting me; I just want to send him the nastiest email that I could come up with but there are not enough words to explain how rude and selfish he was and still is. Would this ever be over? Is he ever going to let go and say goodbye? I know I want to let go but I just don’t know how, and I know is crazy but I really love him after all. Can anyone who has co-dependent traits and is addicted to somebody really love this person too? HELP!

January 25, 2006
3:47 pm
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CAMER
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I have done this many time...think that i love the person, feel like i am going to die, even think of ending my life (for just that moment) feel my whole world crashing in, feeling so alone and no one to talk to...these are normal feelings we all have, well, i shouldn't say "we all have" but that i have had. And i knew
deep down, that going back to the person i just broke up with, wouldn't change anything, he would just be there for the company and temp love i needed and go back to the same old
bad behaviors.....and i swear that,
sometimes men know this, they end up dumping us, and treat us like dirt, once we go running to them, they think they "have us".

Your best bet, is to not text this man, he is out of the country, let him go, the more you talk with him the
more you could make an emotional connection.

If you don't mind me asking,,,,,how much money does he owe you?? alot???
and has he made any effort to pay any of this back to you???

(((Camer))))

January 25, 2006
3:47 pm
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CAMER
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I have done this many time...think that i love the person, feel like i am going to die, even think of ending my life (for just that moment) feel my whole world crashing in, feeling so alone and no one to talk to...these are normal feelings we all have, well, i shouldn't say "we all have" but that i have had. And i knew
deep down, that going back to the person i just broke up with, wouldn't change anything, he would just be there for the company and temp love i needed and go back to the same old
bad behaviors.....and i swear that,
sometimes men know this, they end up dumping us, and treat us like dirt, once we go running to them, they think they "have us".

Your best bet, is to not text this man, he is out of the country, let him go, the more you talk with him the
more you could make an emotional connection.

If you don't mind me asking,,,,,how much money does he owe you?? alot???
and has he made any effort to pay any of this back to you???

(((Camer))))

January 25, 2006
4:02 pm
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kathygy
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I would send him a message telling him I am not interested in having any contact with him and not to contact me again and if he does he will not get a reply.

That's it. nothing personal or emotional, just the facts. You can put an end to it.

You are probably confusing love with codependency or something else. I doubt that you really love this man. He has treated you horrendously. Sometimes a victim identifies with their abuser and gives their power away to them and thinks its love but it is not.

There are lots of books on codependency and what codependent relationships are like and how to let go. Do you attend any 12-step meetings like coda? They can be very supportive and helpful.

January 25, 2006
6:14 pm
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karmapolice
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thank you guys for replying.

camer: he is paying me the money through a friend, and is not a lot but now that i am not working i cant risk loosing that money. If he pays as promised he will finish to give it back to me in about 8 months from now. This was used as an excuse for him to contact me and since I really wanted this money back, I couldnt said all the things he deserved to hear from me cause I was afraid he would use it as an excuse not to pay me back.

kathy: i am just starting to learn about codependency, and i just want to contact him to let him know how horrible he was to me cause he seems oblivious to this fact, that after we were like family for three years and had plans for the future he just moved on and now he contacts me "cassually"...he makes me so angry and i just want to give him some of his own medicine you know? I havent decided wheter i will just ignore him or what...

Karmapolice

January 25, 2006
8:58 pm
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CAMER
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Karma, in your best interest, do you want to ignore him, or just give him some closure on how he treated you????

Camer

January 25, 2006
9:30 pm
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alycia
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You are very lucky because u have someone new and can start again. I know it hurts but let go.

Deal with the third person only for the money.. His constant contact says he is having trouble letting go too in my opinion because if u are happy and getting on with it, you cease contact... he seems to be increasing it......

Thats what is happening with me. Once u start to heal u can let go.. I was hurt as well, left with a baby and my partner walked out when she was 4 mths old and we were together 4 yrs, i know about bad treatment and that is why i can let go altho i have to see him sometimes as he visits my daughter.........

My partner used to look miserable when he comes here, now he seems very happy, i wonder how when he is jobless, 40 and living with his mum, i imagine its a good act ... He may have put on a sheild around u, pretending to be happy... Ppl have strange ways of showing their hurt. He was verbally abusive with u, u dont need that...

Keep going with ya strength and learn from the mistakes and use them in ur favour in ur new relationship. good luck and remember there is no point now telling him how he hurt you... If i see that with my past relationship i hope u can also.

January 26, 2006
5:57 pm
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karmapolice
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Hi everybody,

been pretty down today and couldnt sleep very well last night, I am having trouble letting go, it freaks me out to think about "forever". But I decided to keep the no contact and just ignore him, I am just not ready to tell him to stop contact me cause I dont want to go back on my word, plus I feel stronger ignoring him. I started the no contact to hurt him and now I am doing it to focus on me and stop worrying about him. I am just starting to feel I didnt deserve it, the way he treated me after the brake up and before, I used to feel responsible and part of it for some reason. I have some trauma as well since I cant tolerate anyone talking loud or yelling near me.

CAMER: I feel more confortable with ignoring him for now, and I dont think he deserves any insights from me on the way he treated me, just let him wonder....I know, it seems I am still playing some mind games uh?

ALYCIA: tks for your reply and I am very sorry to hear about your story. I know the feeling, it brakes your heart to see your ex miserable right?. Mine used to be like that too. I cant imagine how harder it is when you still need to contact him for your baby, you seem a very strong person and give me inspiration to go on and get healthier. I am not seeing anyone right now and have no rush to it. I know I didnt need this relationship as disfunctional as it was, but for some reason I cant let go just yet, but he would never know, I wont tell him.

Tks and take care

karmapolice

January 27, 2006
7:29 am
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darling
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I had a similar relationship with my now ex. He used to do the same things. When we were split up, he would lie about the women he was seeing-and I would believe it. I took him back over and over again-for 12 years. Then he started cheating on me and lying about it. I saw him walk out of a girl's house holding hands sith her and kissing her while we were together. I belived him when he said nothing else happened. Now its 12 years later and we have 2 kids and another on the way. I "caught" him many times, but didn't have proof. One week he told me he needed to go stay with a friend to cool off for a couple of days. Both kids got sick on the same night and thats how I found out he spent the night with his "lover".
Unfortunately for him, my family knew her family and got the truth from her. So I finally had my proof. I was wearing his ring and caring for his kids while he was playing house with this "person". BTW she was 18 years old!
That still didn't deter me. I wanted him back so badly. I lost 40 pounds in 2 months from the stress. Long story short, it took alot of lies for me to understand that he has a sickness-he cannot tell the truth. I have a sickness too-I did stay around for this! I am a co-dependent. I gave him the power to define my self worth. Without him I felt I had none. I am working on my sickness and I can't do anything about his but pray for him. I let him know what my boundaries are and I mostly stick with them. He knows I don't want to talk about anything but the kids. When he gets off the subject(which is always to blame me or shame me) I hang up the phone. This guy lives in another country, count your blessings. Don't accept his messages and work on yourself. Before you know it, you will have someone who adores you and would never hurt you. Then you can thank this loser for making you available to meet Mr. Right!

January 27, 2006
9:28 am
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shelbeegirl
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First of all, my heart truly poors out to you. I am going through a similar situation where we broke up and never got closure. You might feel like if we could just talk about it that you would feel better, right? It might end up in you feeling worse than you do right now. Forget talking with him and be glad to be who you are. It sounds like you will have a better life without him. Just know I am here if you need to talk. (((hugs)))

January 27, 2006
3:17 pm
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Anonymous
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Karmapolice have you ever thought of working a 12 step program such as Alanon. It seems to me that your live has been affected also by addiction. If you are interested in finding out more about Alanon just let me know.

January 27, 2006
5:22 pm
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karmapolice
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Tks to all that replied, I really appreciate.

Just a quick update, these days after starting this thread i{ve come to realize how horrible my ex was to me and is so hard to accept, to come to terms with that reality. I{ve been in denial for so long and I just cant bring myself to face reality; I got pretty down too but felt less lonely after reading your post so thank you guys.

I{ve been wondering what is that I love about this guy and realized that i am mostly sorry for him, to see him hurting all the time and I coulndt helping to be more happy and it breaks my heart to see his pain, but I keep reminding myself that now I must focus on me and none else.

DArling: I hear you, you mean that if I keep in touch with him my story can get much more complicated, it will take much longer to heal rite?

Shelbee and pinkpaw tks for listening, I really need some perspective in here, I know he did me a favour breaking up with me, I know that in my mind but sometimes I just cant feel it, it is better that he is back to his country so I dont have to risk seeing him. About Coda and Alanon, I am not sure if we have those around here but I will check. I was thinking about the closure thing, and dont think is a good idea to talk to him again, cause first I am feeling weak at the moment and then i will be waiting for his reply and focusing on him instead of myself so i{LL just leave it like this and hope he will get lost.

tks you all

hugs

Karmapolice

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