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April 21, 2004
3:19 pm
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Anonymous
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Marley, maybe you and a close friend just need to hang out and help eachother out, that way you two can encourage eachother through the bad times. I know that right now I feel like ass too, and I don't understand why we can be attracted to the ones that hurt us so much. Do we long to be hurt, do we long to be unhappy do we long to not have someone loves us like we deserve. Or is it the opposite and we are just so scared of the above mentioned that we won't let it happen?

April 21, 2004
6:22 pm
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marley
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Aces -

I have been thinking about my "lobster"/ex and I think things are really done and it is only a matter of time before we move on in our lives and leave each other completely. I think that in all honesty that terrifies me b/c to loose someone so completely like that is the most painful experience I know of. And the pain is most unbearable, I hate it. I just seems like when things in my life are going right, I look for ways to mess it up, like chasing after someone who is no good for me.

April 22, 2004
3:50 pm
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marley
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so I have been getting lots of advice, but not what I want. How do I get him to call?

April 23, 2004
10:55 am
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marley
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Well I guess I am bound to feel ignored in all areas of my life lately. No one has posted to this thread in a while, and I am guessing that has something to do with my bad attitude. Lately I feel like I am worthless to my friends and generally not a very good person and I pretty much deserve to be ignored and treated like crap. But I really don't believe that and so I don't know why I feel that way or think those things. Is this the aftermath of an addictive relationship? I would bet it is, because there is a very small part of me that thinks that this would all go away if I just got back with my EX or created an INSTArelationship with a new person and those are the sure signs of addiction right?

Anyway, I don't want to be an addict anymore, I want to have a life, a career, a future. I feel like I have been living under water for the last couple of years, putting my life on hold and not doing the things I want to do. The thing is I put things on hold for EVERYONE. I was talking to my mother this morning and I finally lost it, b/c once again she was telling me how I need to be more considerate of people's feelings and put myself in their shoes, etc. Who puts themselves in my shoes? Who puts me first and thinks of how I might react to things? No one in my family, for starters and only on rare occasions have my friends and boyfriends been significantly better.

I just feel like a doormat. Maybe it is just the release of tensions I have been holding on to for too long, maybe it is my lack of a *real* job and my inability to fulfill my responsibilities lately, but I feel pretty crappy.

If anyone has anything nice to say - please do. I need support.

P.S. I have not spoken to my EX in a day, but I have not called him in a week. Is this progress?

April 23, 2004
10:59 am
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acj
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marley---

Maybe it will take you getting very angry to get you going with your life. Use that anger to propel you forward. Write a list of goals for your life and start on them, TODAY! Stop living your life for others and live for yourself!

When you are busy with yourself, the right one will come along. You have to get busy, though...

Best of luck...

acj

April 23, 2004
11:28 am
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Anonymous
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Marley-

Sometimes, it takes putting your foot down and not letting people take advantage of you, or at least saying I dont want to do that so I wont. If they are truly your friends, they will understand and support you. They will not get mad, and they will not turn their backs on you. The other thing is that you have to realize what qualities you posses, that make you you, you know and be proud of those qualities. Dont be ashamed of things, and dont second guess, or doubt yourself, you are a brilliant woman, and a lot of people see that here, and in your life.

April 23, 2004
11:31 am
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Anonymous
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Sorry sent before I was done, the other thing is that you need to look at YOU, and look at what YOU have done in your life already, most people dont accomplish what you have in a lifetime, and most people never will, you may be going through a really hard time right now, but realize that you are a strong person to have come this far. You are a good person with a kind heart, and dont let some stupid guys ruin your image of that

April 23, 2004
11:35 am
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marley
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Well what happens when you just don't feel worth it? Like not even worth the effort it would take to put yourself first? Plus I have never really had the option until recently, b/c I have been pretty much taking care of my sister her whole life and now she is going to get married and I feel like she is abandoning me, even though she has been a real burden and a pain in my rear for 26 years. But I love her. So I am not used to having my life to myself I guess. I don't know what to do or how to do it. I have been hiding in relationships for 10 years and now I am freaked out about being - EXPOSED? I guess.

I don't know, maybe it is just the crappy weather.

April 23, 2004
12:43 pm
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marley
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HHHHHHHHEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOO?

April 23, 2004
1:28 pm
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marley
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So I just talked to my ex and I was all sad and sappy, because when I was thinking about him this morning, after I wrote that first post, I realized that of everyone I know he has the most consistent track record. Meaning he is always there for me and willing to put aside work and other people to help me out - now this does not excuse the fact that he was a jerk as a boyfriend - but it does make me think he is genuinely a good person. So I told him that and I felt better about stuff, because he really has been so good to me - as a friend. So then he said maybe we could see a movie today, and while I think this won't happen, somehow it made me feel better that he even suggested it. Like maybe I am not so repulsive after all. I think I have real issues . . . I am just not sure what they are. I mean I should be alone - so I will work on that, but does that mean I can't see anyone or what?

And the other thing is that my girl friend is so angry with me, it is like she doesnt want to be my friend anymore because she thinks I am always too busy for her, but she never stops to realize that she is so preoccupied with her own life that she rarely ever calls, yet when she does - somehow I am supposed to be available with nothing else going on?

I am so confused and lost and lonely. Please help.

April 23, 2004
1:39 pm
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acj
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marley----

You have to get happy with yourself first, girl... You have to get a life. Find things you enjoy and get out of the house. NO ONE can make you happy. You have to make yourself happy. You might be putting too much pressure on your mates to make you happy. They can never do it. That void in yourself will never be filled by someone else.

acj

April 23, 2004
1:47 pm
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Zinnie
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Marley,

I didn't post yesterday because of your question "how do I make him call?" I have no answer or advice on that as you cannot control what some one else does. Much as we would all like to, we just can't.

Regarding your friend who is angry with you - why is she angry? Think about it and be honest. Have you put your friendship with her on the back burner because of this guy? Having your own friends and seperate interests is important. Although my husband and I have friends as a couple, we also have friends that are completely seperate. My spouse is an avid outdoorsman and shoot competitively, I would shoot myself in the foot. He has friends that he does these activities with, that although I know them briefly, I don't spend time with them. Just as I have book club friends, etc. that although he speaks to them on the phone when they call, he does not interact with them. Have you blown your girlfriend off in order to be with this guy? Perhaps she is busy with her own life because of all the times you have blown her off?

I think the ultimate question is why do you feel like you need a man to make you happy? What is it in your life that you are searching for? I mean we all want to have that special relationship in our life that makes us feel good, that we know we have a significant other that we can share our good times with, as well as our troubles and hard times. But, ultimately, we have to be responsible for our own lives and our own selves. If you are always depending upon others for your happiness, sadly you will be tragically disappointed every time.

Z.

April 23, 2004
3:21 pm
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marley
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Apparently something is coming across that I do not intend. I am most definitely not looking for someone else to make me happy. I realize that I am unhappy with myself and I am not exactly sure why? Is it because I have been so dependent upon others for my happiness that I no longer feel capable of doing it myself? Why? I don't know. I feel a little lost because I used to like myself quite a lot actually and now not so much. I don't know how it happened, but it did. Now I find myself beating myself up over stuff that when I really think about it I don't care about and when I try to think about what I really care about I get nothing, so that sucks.

I am just rambling now I know. I think I feel really bad about myself because I slept with someone without really thinking about the consequences. I acted like I had no self-control, no will power, no self-respect really. Now I feel like I have to re-earn that from myself, and I can't seem to figure out how. So I guess that is really my question.

April 25, 2004
4:27 pm
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rat
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Hi everyone, I'm new to this website, I'm having some problems with myself, I guess. My husband is a recovering crack addict with less than 2 months clean. Our lives have been pretty hellish this past year. Now that he is in recovery, he thinks everything should be just great. I'm having a tough time emotionally. I know that I must change some of my enabling behaviors to make our relationship better. I'm trying to work on that, but I just don't know if I still have love for my husband, even though we have been married a long, long time. I'm always down to earth, responsible, and reliable. Part of me just wants to run away for awhile and just have fun for myself. The bad thing is (I think, but I'm not sure) there is a guy I've met online that would love to "run away" with me for a few days. Am I nuts? By the way, my husband and I are living apart at this time. If anyone has any thoughts on this, I sure would appreciate it.

April 26, 2004
12:19 am
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NancyW
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Now that your husband is finally in recovery, why do you want to run away with another man?

April 27, 2004
10:44 pm
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rat
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NancyW

Because I've been on this roller coaster ride for so long; Just for once I'd like to do something just for myself, just totally selfish just for me. And this isn't really running away, it's only a short escape because this other guy is from another country. My "real life" would be right there waiting for me when I got home. But part of me just isn't sure if this is the right thing to do.
Rat

April 30, 2004
8:22 am
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wallace
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Marley,

Your postings come across as someone who has just looked at their life and feels that there are huge holes in it and you who feels deeply unsettled by it. From your psotings, you come across as someone in emotional turmoil. What ACJ and Zinnie are saying is right, the stuff you mention about sleeping with someone etc. That's surface stuff-there are deeper issues here. Maybe you are looking to your sister/friend to pull you out of this turmoil, but that has to come from you. You need to understand why you feel that way.

April 30, 2004
11:06 am
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eve
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Hi marley,

i think that you need a combination of gentle introspection and of activities. The activities are meant to keep your mind from idling too much and turning round in circles. Go out, take a walk, maybe join a gymn or take a course in painting, cooking or whatever you like. You could do some gardening, even if you don't have a garden, you can grow some herbs at your windowsill, or look for a corner in the next park where you could smuggle in some flowers. Or you could go out and find a charity where you can volunteer, visit elderly people in the neighbourhood or whatever.

Just being alone and feeling lonely all the time is propably not the way that will help you to be content whith yourself. To be ok alone - that actually doesn't mean that you have to sit at home and not go and meet anybody. It means that your motivation and the energy for your life stems from yourself. Maybe you just need some new input, and be sure to keep your eyes open for all the little things that you like about yourself.

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