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ADDICTED
April 14, 2004
9:07 pm
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marley
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So I just read the link on addictive relationships and that was pretty much mine to a T. Now that it is over . . . I am not sure what to do with myself. I am constantly crying and whining to my friends, I can't eat, I don't sleep well, I smoke constantly, I try to still work out but I have limited energy. I want to forget about the loser and move on to someone else, but have you ever noticed that when you are addicted to drama, it has a way of following you around?

I mean this relationship finally ends b/c I can't take his bullshit anymore - I mean I still love him and he loves me but we will never be able to work out the fact that he is just attracted to nearly every other female on the planet and wants to sexually explore this attraction. Whatever, he is a loser.

So anyway, unfortunately, we have a mutual friend. That isn't quite right either though - he is a roommate of a mutual friend, so neither I nor the EX know him terribly well (I mean I've known him for 3 or 4 months, but he hasn't always been there) anyway, he knows all about my relationship with the loser and we have been out a couple of times and other friends think we should date, but when we go out he has brought up the EX, like constantly. Finally last friday he spent the night and we had a really great time hanging out and having sex etc. It was really odd for me since I have put my entire life on hold waiting for the loser to get his shit together and have not even really looked at another man seriously in over 2 years.

So now here I am all sorts of freaked out because the new guy says he likes me but wants to take things really slow, and to him I guess that means not calling me all week - although he started a new job on monday and is going away on thursday . . .

But I just don't know what I am doing. I haven't talked to the EX since I told him we should no longer talk at all on any level and we should not try to make things seem ok when we are at the same parties, etc. But I haven't talked to the new guy either . . .

Dilemma.

Am I using this guy to get over the other guy, do I really like this new guy, am I just an emotional monster?

HELP.

April 14, 2004
10:33 pm
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CAMER
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hi, it sounds like you are just looking for a "replacement"....i know its hard to do, but try to keep busy, go to aome coda meetings, and talk with friends....I used to just do the same thing, break up with one boyfriend of 4 years and less than 2 weeks later would have a new boyfreind.....I know sometimes its hard to make a clean break from men, but if you don't you could just be bringing your leftover baggage from one bad relationship into the next...its good to cry over your boyfriend and learn to spend time with yourself...aaaaah, this is so
much easier said than done, I have been "replacing" men for 15 years and
I am still not married, and I have been *alone* for well over a year and now I am CODA on a new guy who is
a pothead, and tells me he is going to call and doesn't and also wants to take things slow....I keep praying to God daily for strength and reading my oooh so many *coda* books and attend weekly coda meetings...i do wish you the best, please think of YOU!!! (((hugs)))

April 14, 2004
11:04 pm
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annastar
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First of all- talking about clean break- if you end up on your own- who do you go out with? I can stay home week or two, but- then what? It nice to have friends and- yes, I have friends, but they have girlfriends and it is not like I can call then and say “Hay- take me out!” I would not want to choose friends by their marital status. In out town this is no way to come to a club by yourself. I don’t have a girlfriend- few of those I used to have families now. It is not a man I need- I need people, I like to be able to talk to someone. Talking to Marley. I see you are upset, and what concerning me is what we call “ineffective way of copping”. Excessive smocking, drinking or overeating or what ever is happening with you. I used to smock so much- every time we have conflict. (and we had many of them!) To a point it would make me sick. The problem with it is that it making a pattern: you oversmock, then you don’t eat, then you can’t sleep, then you getting weak depressed, then you cry, then you smock, then your house gets all massed up, then you late to work, then your boss is mean, then you loose a job, then you smock, then you don’t eat, then you don’t sleep, then you… Can go on and on! As Camer said- “Please, think of you!” Brake the pattern, start feeling better and everything will get better around you….I wish I be so smart for myself! It is a time you have no one, then it can be time you will have options to choose from!Good luck!

April 15, 2004
2:30 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Marley,

Long time no talk to.

Something sounds odd about this new guy...

Perhaps some time alone, learning about yourself is in order. I know the need to be with someone new is overwhelming, but - try to get over the hurt you are dealing with over Mr. Enlightenment, learn about yourself, and what it is you want - and then start seeing someone.

Essentially - concentrate on you.

Z.

April 15, 2004
11:49 am
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zuzuspetals
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It also sounds like this new guy maybe taking advantage of the vulnerable state of mind you are in. Seeing as how he constantly mentioned him on your date. Pushed your buttons knowing how painful your break up has been, and then here he was willing to give you some "love" for a bit. No man wants to sit around and talk about ex boyfriends, it kills their egos. Am I right guys that are on this board? I think Zinnie is absolutely dead on. It always feels good to be "loved", but in order to really be loved you need to love yourself and you need to get out and get to know who you are, and what you want out of life. Find yourself. You are worth so much more then settling for someone who will have sex with you and then disappear. Until you realize this the men and the pattern will never change. Good luck

April 15, 2004
12:38 pm
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marley
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Thanks for all of your insight. I am definitely having difficulty dealing with the sudden rejection on top of trying to cope with the loss of my prior relationship (even though it was never a GREAT relationship).

The most confusing thing about this new deal is that he has told our friends that he liked me, etc. and now I feel like somehow I messed that all up. I have been concentrating so much on that, that I think I have lost sight of the fact that maybe it just wasn't meant to be and I did nothing WRONG per se.

I am just so confused and I think I do need sometime alone, it is just so lonely.

April 15, 2004
12:42 pm
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CAMER
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it does become lonely, but try to
hold on to YOU...give yourself a
big hug each day and love yourself more and more.

April 15, 2004
1:01 pm
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marley
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I just want to know how I can stop this cycle without feeling so incredibly icky about myself and feeling like my self-esteem just went through the floor, you know? I mean I know deep down I made the right decision, finally, to leave and move on with my life, but once again I seemed to have chosen the worst possible tactics to do so and I am the one who ends up getting hurt. It is like I am trying to make myself more and more miserable. To believe I am less and less worthy of finding a decent man and settling down and having a family one day.

April 15, 2004
3:51 pm
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CAMER
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((MARLEY)) DON'T EVER FEEL THAT WAY, AND REMEMBER *BREAKUPS* ARE PAINFUL...THERE IS NO WAY AROUND IT,
YOU NEED TO *FEEL THE FEELINGS* OF YOUR LOSS AND ALSO KNOW THAT YOU ARE DOING THIS TO MAKE *YOU* BETTER....AS TIME GOES ON, I PROMISE IT DOES GET
EASIER...ITS JUST TIME DOES SEEM TO DRAG ALOT WHEN YOU BREAK UP, TRY TO
BE GOOD TO YOU, TALK WITH FRIENDS, GO
TO CODA MEETING, KEEP POPPING INTO THESE GROUPS, AND KNOW YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.....I DO WISH YOU THE BEST!!!

April 16, 2004
10:05 am
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Anonymous
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Marley-

Maybe you need to find a really great friend and spend time with them, and then these situations wont be so hard on you, I bet that if you were able to realize that these guys are more messed up then we can even imagine, you would see things differently. The thing that you have to realize is that you give and they take, and it wears you out. You need to find a giver not a taker. As do I. The hard part is actually finding that, and the I wonder if we do, will we truly be happy?

April 19, 2004
6:23 pm
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marley
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Again everyone thanks for all of the support. I am having some sort of identity crisis I think. My job just ended and I don't have another one so I am stressed about money and security and all of that and I am realizing that this stress leads me to want a man in my life more and more, so that I don't have to deal with it. Even though I know it will still be there, I just want the distraction of being with someone else and not having to think about how I screwed up my life. The sad thing is I can't exactly figure out where it went wrong. . . .

So I was trying to study partnership taxation - which is akin to shooting yourself in the foot - and just began to lose it. So here I am again writing to you all in the desperate attempts to keep from calling my ex to escape reality or from pushing some guy I barely know away by hounding him to escape reality. I just don't know how people live here everyday and don't go insane. My lady of Shallot complex is getting worse.

April 19, 2004
7:22 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Hi Marley,,,Please don't wonder if you did something which messed up the relationship. Sounds like he was messed up,,, period!~!!

Maybe you could have a good friend over or go somewhere with some people you like,,,but not where you might run into HIM. And also it might help if you tell people not to tell you what he says about you!!! Maybe rent some funny movies? Of course, that's my cure for everything!!!

We're here for you!! W.

April 19, 2004
7:42 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Marley,

Perhaps it's time to really step back and take a long look at how your life is going. Sometimes, we all need a little down time. You know?

You have really had a roller coaster relationship with this guy for a long time, and it is going to take time to get over it. You were doing so well there for a while, and you had a little slip - that happenes. Just be kind to yourself, and spend some time learing about yourself, and things will get better.

Z.

April 19, 2004
7:42 pm
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marley
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W -
thanks so much for the support! I know that you are right and I should distract myself, but I seem to be trying to distract myself into oblivion. It is just so screwy with our friends and my ex and everyone else being involved and knowing stuff I don't know. I hate it. I am becoming totally neurotic, watching my phone like a hawk, I can't eat, I sleep horribly and I keep thinking he should just call.

See here is the thing, I know him from a mutual group of friends and of the mutual group of friends one of them is my nutty ex boyfriend (who is incredibly good looking, but kind of - well - dumb) and he knows my whole history with this ex (how we break up, get back together, so on and so forth and have been doing this for over 2 years). Anyway, about 2 weeks ago we went out and had an awesome time, a couple of days later we met for coffee and had a great time. Then later that night we ended up having an impromptu get together at my place. Well then my friend left and we stayed up until like 3 am laughing and talking and generally having a good time. He kept asking about the ex and I kept telling him it was over and then something happened and we ended up having sex. And this is so not like me to do this . . . so he didn't call later that day. I had to work and he knew it, but I was surprised he didn't call. Then the next day his roommate had everyone over for easter including my ex. So I call to wish a happy easter and my friend tells me to come over. So I go. So then I see him and we talk for like 5 minutes and he is like we have to take things really slow and I was like fine. So right before I leave he is like I will call you before I leave for Vegas. Well he left last thursday and when he hadn't called by wednesday I left him a message saying hi, hope your new job is going well, would like to see you if you aren't too busy before you go, please call me. So he doesn't call and everyone thinks this is weird b/c for months he has been telling everyone how much he likes me blah blah blah. So now he has gone to Vegas, don't know if he is back . . .

I am freaking out. Still sure I didn't screw up?

Oh and my ex has been laying tile in their house so he is over there tonight I think and I don't know what sort of effect this will have on him, etc.

April 19, 2004
9:13 pm
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Zinnie
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Marley...

Perhaps it's time to also start making some new friends.

Being around this guy is not good for you, and I'm a firm believer that a relationship needs to be between two people only - not you, and them and their family, your family and all of your friends and co-workers.

This other guy, something is still weird about the whole situation. Him asking about the ex and all that. There are also some people that take advantage of others when they are down. Just like what it sounds like he did to you.

Right after my husband died, one of his cousins that he was really really close to, offered to help me. I was very grateful to him for that - but, little did I know at the time, he had ulterior motives. He was a lot of help to me, I will not deny that. One night he starts telling me how he has always been envious of my husband because he always felt I was so beautiful, and intellient and witty, blah, blah, blah. He was thinking of leaving his wife, and wondered if he and I would have a future. Now, here I am, just lost my husband, very emotional, had a nice heart to heart talk with someone that I thought cared about me, and a few glasses of wine. I almost made a serious mistake. You know what stopped me? When he rubbed his hands down my arms, I could feel his wedding ring!

So, what happened? Well, I told him - "no thanks" - and since that time we have only seen each other at the occasional family function, BUT... he is still married, and probably never had any intentions otherwise, he just saw and easy opportunity.

The thing to do is distance yourself from the situation. Not saying that you have to completely give up your friends, etc. But, when you are with them, and they feel the need to update you on what these guys are doing, simply say "you know what? Not that I don't care, but I really have no concern with what Joe Bob is doing - so how are you these days?"

The sooner you start distancing yourself from the situation, the easier it becomes.

Z.

April 20, 2004
1:23 am
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free
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Hi marley

ditto at zinnie's post.

maybe it's really hard for you to not be social. That's cool. Play darts? Maybe call the local pubs and find out if and when they have dart tournaments. church? Try it, ya might like it. The local recreation center may have co-ed softballl or volleyball teams to get on. Maybe take a class through your local junior college. Maybe look into becoming an advocate for a rape crisis center or battered women's shelter. Or volunteering time at a thrift store. Or Red Cross.

point is, the social scene has gotta change. being alone may be very difficult. Consequently, maybe try different avenues that lead to new friends. Hard at first, I know (been there done that), but ever so well worth it.

After awhile, I wound up with a whole circle of friends who have never met my ex. Kinda cool.

hang in there marley

free

April 20, 2004
11:50 am
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Marley, I think you need to pull your head out of your ass and stop overanalyzing these things, This new guy is more normal than any other guy you have ever had the chance to date, so let him be normal, and don't freak out when he doesn't call you right away, most of the normal guys DONT call everyday. Most normal people don't. Or at least healthy people don't because they dont have that need to. I think this new guy likes you and has shown he likes you but would like to take things slowly which means not having an engagement ring on your finger in two months. Enjoy him, and take it slow, and don't freak out.

April 21, 2004
1:27 pm
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marley
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Well that is certainly alot to think about.

Z- unfortunately as much as I want to I can't seem to take your advice and just walk away from both of them - even though this is probably best for all concerned.

Why can't I do this? I don't know.

I think sometimes it is because I truly, deeply love my ex - even though he is a creep and he treated me horribly at times, he was there when I came down from the mountains in an ambulance, he held my hand while they stitched me up and unstitched me and restitched me. He took care of me when my sister left, when my grandmother died. He was there for me when I had to take my sister to the hospital and for so many other little day to day things that I could never write them all down. But I can't seem to push him out of my life completely.

And this new guy, he is pretty cool. But in all honesty he will never be my ex and maybe I will never get over the tragedy of things with us not working out. I just don't know. Because I would like to think that I like him for who he is, but maybe I am just looking for a replacement and I should be on my own. However, I just can't seem to force myself to want to do that. When I think of having nothing, not even the hint of a relationship to freak out about, I freak out. I think I have addiction to drama issues or something.

Does any of this make any sense?

April 21, 2004
1:42 pm
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you could write a letter to your ex and thank him for every good thing he has done for you. Start with the big stuff then down to the day to day stuff. You don't even have to send it. Explain that you know that the two of you wouldn't work out and that is the best (if it is) and that through the years you were grateful for all that he did for you.

And then write down all that you did for him. Everything the day to day stuff and everything you put with from him. Write everything down don't be shy and put a stamp on it write your address on it and put it in the mail box.

I don't know if that will do any good for you but it might.

Sue

April 21, 2004
1:45 pm
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marley
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No offense, but how is that supposed to help? I mean if I write everything down am i supposed to forget about it afterwards? Thinking about him, me and us it is so depressing I can't even tolerate it anymore and the thing is I am always like this at the end of a relationship - so maybe I should just stop getting in them . . . but then I am so lonely and bored and I feel like I need someone in my life to hold me and touch me and all of that crap. Is this strange or wrong? How do you get to the point where you really enjoy being alone?

April 21, 2004
2:05 pm
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Marley

when it comes to the new guy- I am worried about the same thing zuszuzpetals spoke about- beware of the 'psychic vampire' type that loves to swoop in when you are at your weakest. Also, be careful not to use people to get over others- it can hurt someone in the process. Believe me, I know, because I'm sorry to admit, I've done it. Often.

be well.
-ella

April 21, 2004
2:07 pm
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Well I didn't know if it would help or not. When I was writing in my journals I would often go back and reread them and I would be able to see the things I wrote about in a different perspective. Most of the time I would be like dang I can't believe or even remember being that crazy, strange, or whatever over that situation.

It just helped to keep me from going there again. Whatever situation it was. Also seeing things written down would help you to see that it either was/wasn't worth your time or whatever.

April 21, 2004
2:23 pm
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Marley-
Sorry I cut that short (above). I'm at work...my lunch hour just ended but I'll have a few more mins down time.

It's so hard to go from being in a relationship (healthy or not), to ending it (which is painful most likely), to having this huge gaping hole in your life where a person used to be. It helps to do all the little things you're told to, keep busy, hang out with friends, etc, etc, etc.... but when it comes right down to it... you're gonna have pain. Because there's loss. You can put any lable on what it is that you lost that you want, but it is a loss none the less. Please don't feel that there is something wrong with you for hurting or for not wanting to be alone with your pain all the time. Many so-called "normal people" react to breakups the exact same way. Just be careful, I'm worried you will end up salting your own wounds by starting something new with someone in the same circles.
-ella
p.s. I question men who are promiscuous, self proclaimed womanizers. They seem to me trying to prove something a little too emphatically. I'm glad you got away. I hope your suffering ends soon.

April 21, 2004
2:39 pm
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MARLEY; it does sound like you have an "addiction" to men....the only way you can strengthen yourself is by
being by yourself, why don't you just try to be alone for one day, thats all, see if you can do it, without talking to either of these men...I too used to have such a hard time breaking away from a bad relationship.....i have started putting more focus on "me"...and not
thinking of the "man"...try a new project, go shopping, talk with friends, go to coda meetings..anything that will keep you busy, and focus on the good things that you have, and the goodness in you...its really hard doing all of this when "men" seem to be our life...but give it a try for just one day...and then take each day as it comes and along the way you will recognize that you did take some
"baby" steps for YOU!!!

April 21, 2004
3:00 pm
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marley
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Sue -

I know you are right, but I just can't seem to force myself to really look at that relationship through such objective eyes. I guess I am not ready to move on from him so completely just yet.

Ella -

You are definitely on to something with the salting my own wounds by getting involved with someone in the same circle. It is almost as if I am seeking out relationships that are doomed to fail or that have a constant stressor for me to cling to and freak out about.

Carmen -

I have gone a couple of days with out talking to either one of them and if I could go longer things would get better I know. I just am not ready to be alone. I know I am an addict, but the question is how much do I want to get better.

Generally speaking, I am the type of girl who uses one relationship to get over the last. This is bad and I know it, but often the idea of being alone and dealing with myself seems more than I can handle. Right now I am not sure what I want. When I think about how things happened between me and the new guy I am pretty sure he is not the type to prey on women in weak situations. He is genuinely concerned about my relationship with my ex and has good reason. I mean we broke up numerous times and always ended up back together (even after he chased some other girl to Costa Rica). So I have a bad track record with the ex. I should not want him in my life yet I do.

I would like to be a different kind of person, one that I feel is worthy of the love and respect I want. But then I think if that is the kind of relationship where you just talk for weeks and weeks on end and then get to a point where you can't *sleep* with the person, I am not sure I want that either. Maybe I am addicted to me, maybe I am addicted to sex, maybe I am addicted to escaping my own pain. I have no idea. I just know that right now, being alone is terrifying and I am depressed and lonely. Even seeing my friends is somehow empty because of all of this.

I want to start a new job and have some income and something to look forward, but in a way that is simply just another distraction. I guess underlying everything is this fear that I am not desirable, that I am not "good enough" for anyone. That is a painful thing to think about myself and I try to avoid it at all costs. I just don't like feeling like I am in limbo and having little else to do allows me to wallow here.

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