Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Addicted to mother?
August 23, 2007
10:12 pm
Avatar
Tristin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am new here and need some help. Here's the situation. I am helping my long-time friend who has asked me to help him solve his dilemma. Ted has never been married, he's now 48 years old and lives at home with his mother. He does not know how to separate from her and leave. Here's the back story: In senior year of high school Ted moved out because of his father's drinking and physical abuse. Ted was a star football athlete and the family was prominent in the community. (Both Ted's mom and dad were M.D. doctors too.) Ted went to college out of town--then moved around for a few years. When Ted was about 24 years old he came home for a visit over Fourth of July. Then there was a terrible explosion occurred in the basement. Ted's little brother, Sam, was playing with fireworks that blew thru the house. Sam blew his body into pieces everywhere. Only because the dad was a doctor in WWII and was able to get to Sam in minutes did he live. Sam was in the hospital for almost a year, however, he was crippled and struggled to put his life back together. This event made Ted return home while his brother struggled to return to life. When Sam went to college, Ted moved out of the family home and lived away for about 6 years. Then in 1991 the Dad, then 87 years of age, is ill and cannot walk up and down the stairs. The mom calls Ted and asks him to return home to help with the dad. Ted moves home and carries the dad up and down the stairs each day. The dad eventually passes away and the Mom continues to work everyday as a family doctor. Now living in the family home is Ted, Sam and his mom. Years go by and they continue to live together. Ted and Sam inherit the dad's farm and together repair it. They become very close brothers. In 1997 Sam, 30 years old, falls off the barn roof, almost dies and is told he'll never walk again. Ted stays with Sam and helps him rehabilitate until he walks again. Sam is never quite right, but, he pretends and puts on a good front for others. Ted and Sam continue to live at the family home with the mother and spend all weekends at the farm. Both guys have occasional girlfriends, but, neither marry. Several years go by then in 2004 Sam is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This news rocks the whole family. Sam has surgery, many treatments and suffers greatly for 9 months--then is passes away. This leaves Ted lost and alone. Rightly so, Ted is depressed for 1-2 years. Ted says he'll move away from the family home, but, he continues to stay there with his mother who is now 83 years old. Bottom Line: Ted is 48 yers old now, he's has lived at home since 1991 and Ted does not know how to leave his mother or how to start his own life. Ted is the maintenance man, driver and companion for his elderly mother. He wants to leave, but, he's afraid since his mom is older now and has not lived alone in 60 years! Ted's obviously in some type of co-dependent triangle that's filled with guilt. But, the mother's an M.D. doctor --shouldn't she know better? What to do? Should I say something to the mother, (whom I know) should I let her know that Ted has expressed his desire to move out??? Ted's identity so wrapped up in his family's needs -- he doesn not know where to start. Personally, I think most of this whole mess is due to the dad's heavy drinking, but, NO ONE EVER CONFRONTED the father. Dad Doc was far too powerful. The dad could make anyone quake in their boots--the whole hospital feared him. He was a WWII Gen. MacAuthur-type of persona and you'd never cross him or talk back--ever--or you'd get socked. So, what to do? Any experts on this type of family dynamic or co-dependence so deep that at 47 years of age you're still living with mom? HELP ME -- HELP HIM. Thanx, Tristin

August 23, 2007
11:59 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Tristen- You need to stay out of the relationship that this man has with his mom. It is not for you to decide what he should do. If you want to be in this mans life than you can offer to help him to care for his mother. You have all the right in the world not to have anything to do with him and his mother. You can tell him that in your opinion he is not in a positon to have a seriouse relationship with you. You might explaine to him that he has to end this situation with his mom first in order to begin a healthy relationship with you. Personally if I met a man like that the situation would not be for me. I would have no problem letting the man know that. But even if he physically moves out he will still be emotionally tied to her and very distracted about what is going on in her life. This situation has no upside. Controlling his BS with his mom makes as much sense as trying to control a tornadoe. I feel for you. I am glad to know that you have the sense to know that what this man and his mom are doing is not right for you, you have nothing to gain by getting involved in it. This man chooses to stay in it and has some seriouse issues if he has passed up having a relationship with a woman for his moms stuff. I think there are a lot of Red flags here that say that you and this dude will not be growing old together and it is not what happily ever after is made of.

August 24, 2007
5:59 pm
Avatar
Tristin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Destinystar-- Thank you for your comments, I do agree with you, however, at this point I am not asking for myself or expecting a relationship with Ted because I live 300 miles away and have a career in another city. I don't want or expect Ted to move out for me. He wants to do this for himself and he's asked me for some help. I will not be moving there anytime soon--so under these circumstances it's not about me and Ted. I am a life-long close friend and Ted trusts me with his "inner" desires and thoughts. Bottom Line: Ted does want a separate life from his mother, however, he's paralyzed. He knows he has to do it for himself, he perceives himself as a big tough guy who's just being nice to his mom. He specifically ASKED ME to help him solve this because he trusts me, I know the whole terrible saga of his life and I won't be demanding anything since I don't even live there. I understand all the details of his family. I agree, he clearly has some issues that need to be resolved and he knows that too. I think men are VERY SHY about seeking help and don't want to be perceived as weak or needy. Ted has very few people to talk to about this whole saga--he thinks he gave his life away for valid reasons--to help his family survive. Of course, that's questionable and that's the rub. I was hoping for someone to point him in the right direction of expert guidance. I have NOT found any books about this type of mother-son relationship and attachment. I think this situation is rather unique. Keep in mind, Ted did have his own separate life in his 20s and 30s. What is appropriate for this type of impairment and what type of help is needed for this situation??? Ted wants to do it for himself and does not know where to start. I think he thinks this issue will solve itself in time because his mother is 83 now, so what's the point of moving out of her? Currently his mom is in fine health (mind and body)and does not require any special caring. He thinks I'll retire some day, his mom will pass on and the whole issue will be resolved. I am not exactly sure I'd want a long-term relationship with Ted under those circumstances either. However, I will be his friend--as much as feasible. Thank You! Tristin

August 24, 2007
6:13 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Tristen- If Ted is serious about moving out of his moms house then he needs to man up and take the responsibiltiy to do whatever he sees fit to accomplish that goal. This simply is not your responsibility. Do not allow him to pull you into his codependency BS by asking you to do anything for him then he is dumping his responsiblities off on you. So, if things dont work out you are placing yourself in the direct fire of being blamed. Simply shift the responsibility back to him and ask him "What do you think you should do? What are your options?' Dont expect him to answer the questions right away. Tell him to go figure it out then call you when he has an answer. His saga is his baggage. Do not allow that man to dump his baggage on you. He is trying to justify the fact that he is not living independently. Blames his mom (she cant do without him) now he is trying to involve you. YOU ARE NOT THIS MANS THERAPIST AND THERE ARE NOT 12 STEPS THAT LEAD TO THE DOORWAY OF YOUR HOME. Of course he will maintain the status quo until she dies. But what is in it for you. It all comes down to a choice. Does he want to be a son or your man? Only he can decide that for himself. And it looks like he already has. Actions speak louder than words and he's probably warming up some milk for his mom right now and while he is doing that for her what is he able to do for you? NOTHING. This guy doesnt need friends he needs someone he can manipulate the hell out of the same way his mom did to him. If you stick around this dude long enough he will have you sucked in to the point that you will spend every waking moment of your life trying to fix his issues for him the same damn way his mom had him fixing hers. GET IT?? My advice to you would be to find a dude that is up and running. Finding one that lives independently would be a start.

Hugs Destiny

August 24, 2007
6:14 pm
Avatar
sad sack
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 78
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Dear Tristin,

I can see that you are a very caring and compassionate woman. However, this is Ted's problem, therefore, he should be the one searching for answers. Please don't take offense by that statement. I know you mean well. All of us "codependents" MEAN well.

Let Ted know that this site exists. Encourage him to share, and stress the anonymity factor. He will undoubtedly receive wonderfully valuable advice/comments/suggestions.

I hope to see Ted's story from his vantage point. Take care.

sad

August 24, 2007
6:18 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sad Sack and Tristen- Remember we are not allowed to let others we know that this site exists. Maybe she can refer him to another site.

August 24, 2007
6:18 pm
Avatar
nappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What type of help is you seeking for Ted?
This has nothing to do with you unless you are seeking a relationship with this man and if you are, I would think very careful about this situation.
This seem like a true type of codependency with both party involved.

That is why it is said that you need to stop enabling a person because if you don't, you have done that person more harm then good.
Your friend Ted is 48 years old and his life has not even started yet. Now that is a shame. His family has made him to be the caretaker of the family but they didn't realize that who was going to be the caretaker for Ted.

You made this title Addicted to Mother, well with this being said. Sweetheart, that is a big red, blue, white flag that you shouldn't even be trying to get yourself into.
Ted has problems whether you want to see them or not.
Just like being addicted to drugs or anything else, a mother is really something that you can't beat, and sometimes not even when they are dead. You can't help Ted but you can help yourself and that is to not get yourself involved with someone like that.
This is out of your control.
Nappy

August 24, 2007
7:18 pm
Avatar
Tristin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you all for your comments. Some of the points are good, however, Ted has NEVER reached out for any help. Him asking for some help was a BREAKTHRU for him. So, what direction to point him in? An execellent BOOK and an EXPERT in these matters? That's the type of guidance I was seeking here.

Ted DOES NOT WANT ME to TAKE CARE of HIM--nor DO I WANT TO. We don't have that type of relationship. And, I am not married to him nor living with him. I think it would be QUITE CRUEL and it's maybe wrong to IGNORE him--when he's opened up a wee bit. Would you ignore a stranger on the street who was injured or in obvious pain?

All peopld do need suggestions, tips and help from friends. It's not about TED moving in with me or vise versa. He is financially self sufficent with a job; he has skills and talent. He's LOST -- he's not totally pathetic. It's a sad situation but not beyond recovery.

Is every person who asks a question to help someone a co-dependent??

I am Ted's friend and an observer of what has happened to him. I have my own life in another city. I was just hoping maybe someone could offer a GOOD BOOK or expert and I'd pass that info along.

I do understand the reasons and concepts that some of you offer. Thank you-- for your concern. Does anyone have a EXPERT or a Book to recommend?? Thank you! Tristin

August 24, 2007
7:39 pm
Avatar
Tristin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you all for your comments. Some of the points are good, however, Ted has NEVER reached out for any help. Him asking for some help was a BREAKTHRU for him. So, what direction to point him in? An execellent BOOK and an EXPERT in these matters? That's the type of guidance I was seeking here.

Ted DOES NOT WANT ME to TAKE CARE of HIM--nor DO I WANT TO. We don't have that type of relationship. And, I am not married to him nor living with him. I think it would be QUITE CRUEL and it's maybe wrong to IGNORE him--when he's opened up a wee bit. Would you ignore a stranger on the street who was injured or in obvious pain?

All peopld do need suggestions, tips and help from friends. It's not about TED moving in with me or vise versa. He is financially self sufficent with a job; he has skills and talent. He's LOST -- he's not totally pathetic. It's a sad situation but not beyond recovery.

Is every person who asks a question to help someone a co-dependent??

I am Ted's friend and an observer of what has happened to him. I have my own life in another city. I was just hoping maybe someone could offer a GOOD BOOK or expert and I'd pass that info along.

I do understand the reasons and concepts that some of you offer. Thank you-- for your concern. Does anyone have a EXPERT or a Book to recommend?? Thank you! Tristin

August 24, 2007
8:10 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

The first book that comes to my mind is "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It's a bit heavy on the Christian language and Bible references, but the psychological insights are sound and both authors are psychotherapists, I believe.

Ted could try doing a google search on "boundaries" and see what comes up. There are plenty of books on the topic available from Amazon.

good luck with it all. It's not too hard to understand how the deep needs in Ted's family kept him there trying to help.

August 24, 2007
8:38 pm
Avatar
thewall
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What an incredible story. Ted sounds like a wonderfully devoted guy who got trapped in the situation. I think his devotion got twisted into some codependency issues as well.

He's asking you for help. All you can do is Guide him to a therapist who can help him. This situation would not be appropriate for you to get involved in in any other way. Do not confront his mother. He needs counseling to help make him strong enough to do that himself and to learn to set some appropriate boundaries.

Be there to listen, but as he vents, ask him this question over and over again.. "yes thats a tough situation but what are you doing to change it, to change your situation? What little steps did you take today to do that? What things did you do today to help yourself grow?
He will probably take little steps at a time (dont we all!)

Hes going to really need you to be a friend when mom goes into a nursing home or dies. What a major loss that will be for him.

The book Boundaries is a good one. So is the book "It will never happen to me" by Claudia Black, about adult children of alcoholics.

good luck.

August 24, 2007
10:03 pm
Avatar
Tristin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you thewall. Your's is the best advice so far. I was looking for the BEST BOOKS, as mentioned.

Also, that's the type of suggestion I was looking for--what types of things to say or ask him that will prompt the correct thinking on his part.

For years, I've just listened when he offered information but I never knew what to say or ask.

My family is totally different--so it's been a big jigsaw puzzle--coming only one piece at a time--now I am beginning to see the full picture of his life and the predictament that's eroded his identity and strengh. Even he's said: "It's TRAGIC."

Yes, it's a very tragic story cuz there's even more details that I did not explain! It's especially sad if you knew him because he's not angry, mean-spirited or abusive. Althou, I do think he's mildly depressed and who wouldn't be!!! Thanks! Tristin

August 24, 2007
11:49 pm
Avatar
smarterone
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Tristen, i dont know who i feel sad for. I would probably, be the ted charachter, its not easy to just "leave". And has anybody ever been thru "guilt". If it was me, besides "the wall" suggestions which i agree with, you can, sometime while hangin with him say "i think tomorrow im going to check if you are elibgible for any groups who would offer to be a "companion" even for a couple of hours, if he looks strange, say you and i could get a bite to eat, let him know its ok to socialize, even for a short time. Baby steps.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
27
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110978
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714262
Newest Members:
brianwolfe, swright, nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information