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Addicted to Love
May 14, 2000
2:33 am
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heartfelt
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Sometimes unconditional love is letting go....May the sun shine on your face, may the wind be at your back..goodbye, good luck

May 14, 2000
12:53 pm
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Brenda
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listen to spirit..

May 20, 2000
9:30 am
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Jasmine
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Dear all,

Haven't come back for a while after starting to think....Thanks so much for all the responses.

Brenda: I'm not sure if I'm suffering abuse or not, but clearly I don't want to simply escape from it. Yes, a shelter where there's space, peace can soothe me a lot, such as the temporary relief those vacation gave me. But the relief is just temporary. I want to get rid of those problems so that I could find real and long lasting space and peace...............

Iris: I like myself when I take care of my family. I'm willing to take up the resposibility. It's just those unreasonable demands from my mom could be so unbearable that cause me stress.

Hm~Love is important to me. I think it's important to any human being. I love my ex regardless of what he did. I don't love him simply because he's good to me. I love him becasue I love him. .....I really performed a lot, and I do have strong feelings towards him. He, I guess, somehow lost in someways, that makes him transmitted performance which contradicts his real feelings to me. But I believe he'll get over his problems eventually.

My sis and I in the same picture experience different things. My mom has no expectation from my sis; while expecting too much from me. So, my sis has to do a lot to get attention; while I was trying hard to make myself invisible.

Heartfelt: I think I 'm co-dep, but not very serious. Balances in various kind of relationships are difficult to keep, that's why I lost sometimes, and confused.

Spirit: Love is a big word. Millions of people on the Earth are searching its real meaning since their birth, but not all of us are able to get the answer. Your explanation of love is insightful. I read a lot about loving our higher spirit~~~~~ but it seems I have difficulties to comprehend ~~~~~ higher spirit...is it part of ourselves??? Hm.....I'm glad that he brought me lots of questions. Questions that I need to think about for the sake of myself. Ha...I've started to be good myself already. I wouldn't be mean to myself so as to sacrifice unnecessarily.

Oh, about the dream. I don't understand what the monsters mean to me, so I talked about that with my counselor. Hm~~~ I think the dream is sth that I already understood unconsciously. Like......the time when I was in Canada, I was alone in a foreign country, when I went to Canada, I don't even know anyone in this country. living alone in an unknown city, speaking a foreign language. I felt really lonely thro' I finally get thro' the time. He had never been to Canada, the scene where he came into my room probably means he came to my life when I feel lonely. It was peaceful, everything in perfect harmony--- that's the early stage of our relationship. We're happy, he holds me in his arms, and kiss me--- that's when we start to get intimate. Then, it comes the monsters----that's when we start to share our inner world and see the deeper side of the others. The monsters are problems in both of our life. Hm........when I talked about this with my counselor, she point out that I have shown much concern for him. hm....yes, he was facing great pressure too. Pressures from family, pressures of his role in his life, worries over his career and future, and his past relationship.....that probably eats him a lot already. ~~~ finally, I got it. the monsters are mainly his problems. I felt scared 'coz I see them, while he can't. he can't identify his own problems. I mean.....it's like you love someone so much that you feel kind of frustrated that things are disturbing him and you can't stop it!...... Hm~~~ I feel scared by the way he look at me. yes, I must confess that I am frightened 'coz I am unable to tell him why I panic and he don't understand what's scaring me. I am frightened because I don't get his support when I feel so weak and need him so much...........so I dream of him, as if I can experience his caring support once more. He could always give me sweet moments.

~~~~~~~~~
Hm......I feel tired. gonna sleep. Thanks for listening. Have a nice day!! 🙂

June 24, 2000
8:09 am
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Jasmine
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sad. I feel real bad today.

June 25, 2000
8:23 am
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Spirit
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Jasmine: What is the cause of your feeling bad? Is it a force outside of you, or from within?

June 26, 2000
9:30 am
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Jasmine
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I don't know..... like floating up and down. what is it? what is it? i don't know......

June 27, 2000
6:40 am
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Jasmine
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I told myself I got to stay positive, but I fail....floating up and down. well, i guess life is OK at the moment, there's not much chaos in my family these several weeks. However, it's like something is still missing. always missing. I feel like I am looking for it, but don't really know where to start, like I am going everywhere, looking everywhere, but still....don't know what / where to look for it. I feel very frustrated and depressed...lost. *sigh****** what am I doing????

June 27, 2000
7:47 am
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Spirit
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Have you looked inside yourself? When I get that feeling of something missing, I look inside for the answers. Meditation is a great way to find the balance which is missing. When we are accustomed to chaos in our lives, we feel something is missing, or that the "other shoe" is going to drop at any moment and we don't want to be caught unaware. Revel in the peace that surrounds you. Go within for the answers. You're not coming apart, just starting to come together. Peace to you...

June 28, 2000
6:12 am
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Jasmine
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you mean I feel lost because I have been accustomed to chaos?

June 29, 2000
1:47 am
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Iris
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What do you really want from life? What are your short-term and long-term goals? Look inside yourself-as Spirit says- and imagine yourself six months from now, one year from now, five years from now, ten years from now and so on; and, at each point, see how you like Jasmine to be at that time. This might give you some insight about what you really want for your future.

Or, SUPPOSE that you know that there is only one year left for you to live, what would you do? the important or missing things might appear to you. Try seriously, it might work.Good Luck.

June 29, 2000
1:02 pm
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lost soul
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continue to love........... so, long as it make you happy.
Its like i have hidden my lovedeep inside my heart that i almost forget about what's love.until recently I saw a "show" which touched me so much that I know deep inside my heart, there's this things called LOVE. I might be too late to start one. but you are still young. Go for it.

All he best, my love. Go for it!!!!

July 1, 2000
4:38 am
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Jasmine
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as counseling proceed, it makes me remember more incidents of being abandoned. Why am I always the one being abandoned? I feel very sad. I don't know. I am afraid of being approached by anyone now. afraid of being abandoned repeatedly... I don't know.

July 2, 2000
12:04 am
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Spirit
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As long as you don't abandon yourself, you will find that which you are seeking. People come and go in our lives, and from each one we learn, we teach, we are touched. It is up to us to decide if we have been abandoned, or touched by another spirit delivering a message. Open your heart and let the love flow. I bid you peace as you discover more about you...

July 6, 2000
8:25 am
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Jasmine
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Thanks, pjm. you're right, I am really grateful to have so many people listening. It's not easy.

I have gone to the site you mentioned, I am not so familar to using it. I've posted the first message to it. ... um....

Sometimes, i think I am bad. 'coz I always go up and down, whenever I feel down, I just vent myself here........ for I can't let myself vent whenever I like in reality. I told myself to stay positive, but I can rarely hold this. Am I too weak? or, what...... um.........I just feel floating. Where is the destination? Where am I going? well, i know. the answer is inside, I am the only one who could tell.

July 9, 2000
6:43 am
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Jasmine
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spriit, how could one 'open the heart and let the love flow'? i don't get it................

July 10, 2000
7:47 am
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Spirit
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Love flows from the open heart every time we recognize another spirit is in need of a kind word, a helping hand, a light touch, anything that makes us reach out to another, without forethought of action, in a positive, greater good kind of way. Not romantic type love, but the universal type love that is the type that brings a wholeness to ourselves and brings about change in others who have been in limbo, just waiting for that one spirit to awaken their softness, again not romantic love.

It seems that people are always in a hurry these days. I am amased at the number of times I have seen younger, more able bodied people rush through a door and let it close in the face of a slower moving elderly person. Why? They do not have an open heart that lets love flow out. If they did, they would wait those few seconds for the elderly person to arrive at the door. Their reward for being universal in love is a warm smile from a person who otherwise would be of the belief that younger people are just too selfcentered to care about others who have come before. This is just one of the many examples.

My son and his friends did an experiment on how people are treated differently by using status symbols. They rented an expensive car for a night, dressed up in their finest, and went to a club. They were rushed to the front of the line, let in without cover charge and given VIP treatment, all because they looked as if they were important. He said on the one hand it was kind of great being treated with so much flair, on the other hand it sucked because it was so easy to fool people into thinking he and his friends were something they weren't. The final word from him was, why do we treat those who appear to "have it made" better than we treat those who are just like us? Interesting question...

July 11, 2000
6:33 pm
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Jasmine.you have enrolled in the school of healthy living...nothings perfect, we make mistakes, etc. just remember to use what works for you, put the rest in your minds library for future look sees when your ready. All will be ok, one step at a time. When I began I wanted all now, you know .instant gratification....healing the wounds that bind us take time. Be genntle with you heart, and when you need to, give your mind a rest. Then you'll return to class.....may you not suffer, may you be at peace.

July 13, 2000
12:17 am
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Jasmine
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he sent me an e-mail after such a long time. Suddenly, I don't know how to respond.

BTW, thanks to your postings Spirit, heartfelt.

July 15, 2000
1:21 am
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Jasmine
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so I replied. now, I'm wondering what's happeening next?

October 27, 2000
11:49 pm
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Jasmine
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so we exchanged several e-mail. One morning at the last week of Sept, he sent me an e-mail telling me that his father finally got a chance for liver transplant. Unfortunately the operation wasn't able to help him... The surgery failed. He struggled for about two weeks, and passed away in early Oct. Yesterday was the funeral. I sent him sth thro' my friends. I still dare not to see him.

October 28, 2000
1:01 am
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lost soul
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Why you dare not see him???

October 28, 2000
1:01 pm
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lost soul
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Go fot it ,my dear !!!

October 30, 2000
8:18 am
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Jasmine
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I think funeral is not a good place to meet...there can be nothing seems "right" to say.....
why do you say 'go for it', lost soul?

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