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Addicted to Love
March 25, 2000
7:12 am
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Jasmine
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I like the movie "Addicted to Love" just because of Meg Ryan, without knowing that I am also addicted to love. When I first heard the characteristics of co-dependent described, I saw a lot of myself in them. My father has to work long hours when I was young due to family financial conditions. He got to work so that our family can survive. He was either never home or sleeping or occupied by newspapers whenever he was at home. I don't recall any interaction with him other than at a distance - don't known the exact reason. As a child, I don't have an image of "father". He just wasn't there when I was growing up. My mother has mental illness. She couldn't take care of both me and my younger sister. We were trained to take care of ourselves at the age of 6. Since then (unknowingly) I took on a caretaker role. I took care of myself and my sister and a whole lot of household chores. I consciously worked at not needing anything from anyone, thinking this is so-called independent. My mom's problem was the worst when I was ~12 (I couldn't remember when exactly). Not only she couldn't look after us, she just got crazy and caused a lot of troubles. I have to take her in and out of clinic occasionally. We (my sister and I) were told explicitly that we shouldn't lose our temper in front of her. Never expressing anger and must be nice, gentle girls. Gradually, I stifled my own feelings/emotions unconsciously. I became numb. As a result, I cover myself a lot, never let others to know what's in my mind, for I myself was scared to know my true feelings. To cover myself up so as to fool others, and ultimately, myself. This is the sole way I learnt to protect myself from being hurt. I lived with my grandparents from my mother side. But our parents and my grandparents were not getting along well. One minute, we're fine; the other minute, there is constant fights. Outwardly, my family is normal, but we live like 'walking on eggshells'. Then, on one day, my grand mother passed away. I can't remember how/when/what things happened exactly. But the relationship between my grand father and my parents just went into chaos. And my mother's situation is fluctuating. The whole environment is subtly chaotic since then. My family seems to have a lot to go through.

March 25, 2000
7:14 am
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Jasmine
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I tried my best to quietly live my life, avoid to be dominant, while at the same time, craving everyone's attention. I'm always under-weight, as if I can really be physically invisible. I continued my quiet life throughout all the school years, feeling very protected and safe whenever I'm alone. I wasn't like my sister who went out for sports, volunteer works...etc. I was not developing a direction with my life, although I am considered a successful, brilliant student. I concentrate on my studies. I am an excellent student in school. I performed well, got high marks, got in good university, graduated with first class honours, and finished a master degree. I never allow myself to be wrong, nor to be dependent, 'coz I felt as if I'd be a burden. I hate arguments; I work hard to avoid conflict/verbal fights. I trained myself to be a self-sacrificer and a real people-pleaser. Everyone said I'm so nice, although I kept away from friends, never allow myself to get deeply involved in any form of relationship on an unconscious level.

Thus, I was afraid to be approached by guys, 'coz deep in my mind, I know if I love someone I got to share my parts that were rarely seen with him. Unexpectedly, you just came. You've been so caring, probably that just fills exactly what I desperate for; what's been missing since my early life. I thought finally there's an effective way out: to share myself to safe and supportive loved one. I exposed myself bit by bit. To reveal is scary, because I don't used to be. I tried in the past with others, but too often was rejected for it. So to reveal is scary, threatening. Though the process to see my own feeling is terrifying, life has never been so wonderful and peaceful before, for your love buffered the all the fear. You provided me all the safety and security when I am in your arms. I never need to struggle hard for being loved, whereas in other places, I got to struggle and became exhausted. I thought I can't heal alone. I need you to help 'coz you validate my predicaments, my pain. You accept me as I am. However, as intimacy grow, it also block us and prevent us from going ahead. It made both of us re-experience some of our traumatic past. I didn't realize we're both co-dep until I read about it. Remember you told me that your father was an alcoholic? Your mother used extremely harsh measures on you when you're young? Your father became extremely demanding after he's been diagnosed to have liver cirrhosis; your illness during childhood; your role as an eldest brother; your sisters' misbehaviour; your worries about your future, career, marriage........and the list goes on. But without knowing this co-dep crap, I gradually became so focused on you that I neglected my own needs and lost myself. I became psychologically dependent on you that I was once extremely frightened when you first informed me of the existence of your ex in your heart. Because I was paranoid and scared badly, and took all the responsibility on my own shoulders, I tried to correct it the only way I learnt from my past: to be nice, pleasing girl without losing temper, nor get angry. This, I neglected my needs even more, I was depressed and became progressively more depressed. I was extremely sensitive and vulnerable to every word/criticism you made on me. I was addicted to you.

March 25, 2000
7:18 am
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Jasmine
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I have never questioned your ability to commit. When you first mentioned your ex, that's totally a shock to me. You covered so good that there's only little signs. Although that scared me out of hell, I was glad that you return. You may not believe, I still trust you after that 'coz you return on your own. But I want to be honest to you. I want you to understand why I panic. So I wrote that on X'mas card. Like what I said, I just want to work in hands with you to create our future. But perhaps I convey my message in a bad way. You're not happy since then. Frankly, when I asked you why you're so unhappy, I've never expected that you'll say sth like that, and I don't know I'd ask you a question that I've never questioned. I just thought if we can sort out the cause of your unhappiness, then things will go smooth, as well as our relationship. When you say you don't feel me anymore, I felt like a glass bottle being thrown into trash can --- fragmentated, broken and abandoned --- I doubt myself why I trust you wholeheartedly.

Actions speak louder than words. That's how I fell in love with you, and why I feel so happy even though you've never said 'I love you'........ And that's how you 'ask' me to go away. What you did to me is like saying 'leave me alone'. Don't say that's better for me, for I'm the only one who know what exactly is good for me. I was in emotional turmoil when you left, don't know the exact reason, as there are too much to face at that moment. Your leave as well as my family chaos...........I kept on talking to friends. I thought I can handle it and I'll be fine after talking to them....but it seems to be too easy.....I just lost myself since then. I can't stand the pressure anymore. I turn to counselling, I need guidance, at least, someone to hear me......hear when I want to cry. But what's important and unexpected is that counselling helped me to recall a TREMENDOUS amount of feelings, especially those memories on childhood.....if it isn't because of the counselling, I don' t know that I actually/unknowingly work hard on "forgeting" more than 80% of my past so as to avoid feeling unsatisfaction and disappointment. If it isn't because of the counselling, I can't write the above mentioned.

Life still goes on for both you and me. I still have to face everything on my own like I was in the past; and so do you. I don't know what stage I am in / where I am going. But I am definitely different from the past. I don't know I'm happy or not at this moment but I'm glad I regain my ability to cry. I don't know how are you now or what we'll be in the future..... I don't know what kind of feeling I have towards you..... I'm not writing to you, you won't read this anyway, I'm actually writing to myself.

The only person I want you to love is, YOURSELF.

Wish your problems will go away forever.
J'n

March 25, 2000
10:04 am
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janes
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Dear Child....sorry to have looked over your shoulder as you wrote to your friend. But I am so glad that I did. It is one of thsoe times when just to reach a finger and tell you....You are so special is what I feel I need to do.

I am so proud that you have been so strong for so long. You have done so well.

Now...seek your self. find the path that will lead you to happiness with you and a bright and airy future. IT is all waiting for you if you wish.

How far you have come in seeing what you need and what you want. If I coudl I would hold you up so you could see your future over the garden wall and all the happiness waiting for you.

Loook at the stars, see the shapes in the clouds and enjoy what is now. Live in the now and plan for the future.

Love......

March 26, 2000
7:12 am
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Jasmine
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Janes,

the seed is now germinating as jt's passed away. I believe that there are some type of seeds have to undergo harsh treatment like fire burn or cold treatment before they germinate. One of which is the seed of our true self.

I'm not as strong as you say.......I thought I am strong...but actually I'm not. I now let myself be the 'weak' one. Never let too much responsibility to build up to an unbearable level.

March 26, 2000
1:33 pm
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janes
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evaluate what are those "responsibilities"

If you are doing for others what they can do for themselves you are enabling them . You are not allowing them to grow. Even if they don't do the "job" as well as you do...let them do their own jobs.

The success of someone else's world is not up to you...only the success of YOUR world is up to you.

March 27, 2000
7:08 am
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hazza
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Jasmine,
I feel you are now finally at a place where you can find the path you want and be yourself. Listen and that calling will come to you, this is your time now, i wish you peace and hope you enjoy it.
Thank you for allowing us to read your feelings, other people read posts like this and it always stirs them, they relate, they think and sometimes words such as these can make them find answers to some of their own questions in life, it can allow them to get in touch with themselves just by seeing other people verbalising their own self questioning and thoughts. We can only ever be the right person to to know how we feel and what we want, but sometimes we can't find the answers straight away, reading other peoples thoughts can help us focus and find our own answers.
Peace
Hazza

March 28, 2000
12:51 am
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Jasmine
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THanks for reading, Hazza. I posted my feeling because of a selfish aim. I'm bad at express myself. if I want to, I need to do it to someone who cares about me. Therefore I just pretend writing to him, though he's not reading.

I haven't been seen or heard for long time. I don't really expect people will. I once thought he did see and hear me, but the truth is he left at the time he saw my parts that are rarely seen. It made me feel like he is REJECTING ME LIKE EVERY OTHERS IN THE PAST. the deepest fear of revealing. That's why I collapsed.

So, I go back to be myself. Just wait. I believe someday, the one that sees me, hears me and truly loves me will appear.

I believe. :>

Jasmine

March 28, 2000
5:50 am
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Jasmine
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I think the other reason (beside the pressure from my family) is that, this is my first relationship, i'm serious, but things went bad fast, esp after he came closer and closer, asking for more and more....I gave him but then he left....like that's all he want from me. so, he "likes" only my physical appearance?! that's why things fade so quickly?! feeling very disappointed towards the uncertainty of life......

March 29, 2000
6:57 am
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Jasmine
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hi, janes,

sorry not replying you yesterday. um....I'm trying this responsibility thing on the new job site. yes, got to evaluate those responsibilities, and establish clear and firm boundaries......this is new to me, but I think at this moment, things going quite good.....I'm happy about this.... :>

Jasmine

March 29, 2000
7:14 am
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janes
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Also eval. the resposnsibilities you take on for family and friends. Those can be the toughest.

I am working on this in my life too.

Good luck

March 30, 2000
3:33 am
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Jasmine
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um....yes, that's the ultimate goal. but I wanna do it one by one, starting from the easiest level; then friends and then family........
wish both of us succeed!!

🙂 Jasmine

March 30, 2000
8:49 am
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janes
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Me too. But we are already a little bit better for at least trying. Now when we slip back to the old ways we grab ourseoves by the scruff of the neck give ourselves a shake and get back to work

It will be easier to start the responsibiltiy thing at work..that's very smart. But just WATCH how you are with friends and family so you can BE AWARE of what YOU are doing.

With my mom I know don't let her bait me into arguements...I just ignore her...she gets nutz and NOT ME!!!!

good luck

March 31, 2000
9:53 am
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Jasmine
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hi, dear friends,

I'm quite happy today!!!!

yes! ha ha. This morning, my supervisor asked me to help her do sth using a set of equipment which is owned by the department, meaning that it is "common", and is shared by everyone in the department. While the equipment (there are 4 identical sets) is NOT in use, ALL 4 were reserved by a senior research assistant.... when I asked if I can use one of them (as they are not in use anyway), she started to say sth nonsense....anyway, she doesn't want to give way, and ask me to use another old equipment in another building which is far away! But the equipment is common, you want to "conquer" all 4 for your OWN use, and I just want to use one of them!!!!! Why can't I just use one????? she continue to ignore me, but I then told her my reasoning as well as what I thought in a way EXACTLY LIKE WHAT I FELT......oh, if it's in the past, I guess I'll just hide myself, looking for other solutions. so, slowly, I did it!!!!!!!

oh, this is so happy! because of this little improvement, I bought myself a gift! :>

Jasmine

April 2, 2000
6:29 am
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Jasmine
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hi, long time no see. eventually, I took some photos of my flowers. they are blooming beautifully. good time to take photos. And I took some pictures of the seedlings of daisies too. I want to keep a record from their "birth" to maturity, flowering.....
how are you?

April 2, 2000
10:02 pm
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lost soul
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Hi Jasmine, It's so good to see that you are progressing so well.I started to read this site of yours just today. You expressed yourself so well. I wish I could also do one!

Keep it up my dear friend, I believe that you will find your true love/ happiness one day.

Cheers 🙂 Lost soul

April 3, 2000
8:56 am
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Jasmine
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I think you can do it too, lost soul.

It also took me lots of time. Actually, I'm still going up and down, up and down, mood swings constantly. Like what you told me long time ago. I find it inevitable. I'll be in severe depression when I am "down", but I let myself to hit the bottom...those little reminders are still surrounding me......there's still a lot of stuff that could elicit my thoughts, hit my wound and make me cry like a baby.......I just cry myself, when I want to cry. I don't want to hold back my tears like I was in the past. but still, I'd do it alone. still afraid of crying in front of people. well, people may not be able to understand.... I have stopped seeing the counselor....um....just don't feel like going.....:P

well, don't really know if there's really another guy...maybe there will be none......will you come eventually?

Jasmine

April 3, 2000
10:32 am
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janes
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Sure he will. But you don't want him there til you are totally ready!!!! It does sound like you are making progress.

But go back to Counselor if you need too. don't deny yourself that outlet.

Keep us the good work.

How is the "birth" of your flowers going?

April 5, 2000
9:55 am
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Jasmine
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um.....I don't know when I'll be ready.... Though my work seems progressing well, family chaos never stops. it seems never ending. There's nothing I can do to deal with this......I still don't know how to employ my 'responsibility strategy' on my family.... maybe that's the root of my depression.

I always think that home is a place to take a rest, especially after a whole day's work(stress). but I can't rest when I am at home, I still feel very nervous at home.....is this abnormal? I remember the days when I was doing my studies overseas, I was leaving alone, away from my home, I feel very free. no pressure of family bond at all.....I have been thinking about moving out, but money is a problem. as large portion of my salary goes to my family expenses. but it seems that i'm just escaping the problem instead of solving them.

The seedlings are growing well, hope I can see them flowering in Autumn.

April 6, 2000
7:56 am
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Jasmine
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I was exhausted after work today. i need a rest. just rest, no thinking, no talking. but......parents keep asking questions, telling me what's good, what's bad, you should do this or you should do that...... i feel so tense. i feel really exhausted. why. i just need a quiet place. a quiet place. sigh........

April 6, 2000
8:26 am
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hootie-hoo
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Jasmine, to rest without any interruption is soooooo wondeerful. Before I could get thru a lot of my issues I used to spend a whole day in bed, refuse4d to let even the phone disturb me. Only after joing a co-dependent group did I find that I no longer needed that much time to escape from the crazies about me. I found that a lot of the crazies in my life were there because I had allowed them to be there. You don't have to be an enabler.

April 7, 2000
8:09 am
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Jasmine
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hi, hootie-hoo,

a new name to me. hello. am i escaping those crazies? am I allowing them to be there? um.....yes, to employ those 'responsibility strategy' in family is really the most difficult step. I don't know how to let those crazies go away.......or as you say. I allow them to stay? i don't know. all i feel is very confused. I want those quiet life come back.

April 7, 2000
11:43 am
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lost soul
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Hi Jasmine/Jaytong,
I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling exhausted,and how careless of me for not visiting your thread to check how are you. i was so engross with my problems that I have neglated you.

Well, sweetie. Take a good shower and have a good sleep, when you wake up tomorrow and you will be a totally difference person again

(((Hug))) Lost soul

April 8, 2000
4:05 am
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Jasmine
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never mind, lost soul. I know you're not happy from your update. Take care of yourself first.

April 8, 2000
8:45 am
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janes
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Why don't you save up a little cash and get a hotel room some evening, take a long bath, read a book on codependency, watch some tv, eat what you want and have a "mini vacation" It may take some time but start saving for this "reward" Baby steps on these issues are okay.

You really need to stop being so down on yourself about this. You ARE making progress.

Sure you are allowing them to be there. so what..does it make you bad.? No. You can improve your lot in life as you go along. None of us can do it in one day. When the "crazies" bother you enough you'll change the situation or tell them to get stuffed. (oooohhhh then they would think you are really bad!!)

But...all the things we can tell you won't help unless you believe them too.

You are great..belieive me!!!

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