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addicted boyfriend and my enabling hole
January 1, 2010
6:59 am
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twistedtwitch
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my nickname is related to a condition that started about 3 months ago...the muscles under my left eye won't stop twitching...not very flattering and one of the signs to myself that I am under a tremendous amount of emotional stress and that I keep on telling myself that I am strong and I can handle it... i guess my body is telling me otherwise...
anyway, my boyfriend continues to have small cocaine related relapses...probably every 2-3 weeks a little touch here and there. I know everytime because he acts, smiles differently and mentions things..it usually starts off with a pressured smile, then over-concerned comments and niceties...and then light paranoia...and then figiting around for hours...probably using small amounts throughout the night/day I guess (not sure)... but locking doors, going outside in the car in the middle of the night, etc... and then the classic asshole for 1-2 days... I have gotten to the point where I go between calling it right when I notice it and then telling him that I don't want this in my life, that he has to make a decision to take steps to clean up totally or to leave me...and the other side of me does a pretty good job of ignoring the signs (because I am also very busy with my work and cleaning/groceries/eating, etc....)... but I am just dying inside. I KNOW that I do not do any of the things extracurricularly that I want to do - plus I live with constant vulgarities (swearing all the time)... and his depressed but mostly angry at the world and blaming everyone attitude (which is completely fatiguing on its own...) So, where I am now is that I want to be assertive, strong, loving, supportive and NOT enabling.... but either I am too exhausted to know where the line is to be drawn... or I am too caught up in it to be able to discern what is enabling and what is helping someone you love. I will list off the full situation and I feel like I need straight tough love answers. I often read threads on related support sites and find some solace and direction. If nothing else, it makes me feel a bit better, and helps me refocus or gives me insight (especially in those moments when I'm in bed and he is walking around the house all fucked up, and we have had our talk and he is pissed...) When I usually wish I could just leave, but I can't figure out how to be loving and leave when I really want him to take a positive step and for us to have a healthy clean life together. Because there is a childish loving fun about him that embraces a full love of life sometimes... ( i know this is a common thread with some addicts).... anyway. He is not is a good financial, legal spot and was not when I met him. And I probably should not have allowed myself to get emotionally involved with him 3 years ago but i did - and I did fall in love with him... and now that I do love him tremendously I don't know where to go. Other support sites with others with similar stories usually have the caring response which says, "run, don't walk away from the relationship" or "get out NOW" - but man, oh man, we don't have kids or decades of history but I feel if he could chose a clean sober life than, it WOULD be worth it...And I am willing to be a strong supportive friend and lover but I want to be sure that I am doing the right thing and not making things worse. I don't want to be enabling him, but I do want to HELP him. So, back to what I am doing: since he has no driver's liscence, I will always offer to drive him or sometimes I even let him borrow my car...he also has warrants out for minor pot charges from a decade ago...so he can not fly anywhere - so we don't go travelling by air...even if we did have the money...he smokes - I don't...I buy him smokes...plus he has very very intermittent work, which I often buy tools for him to do his job (and drive him there, and help him too)...as well, I make almost all of the money right now, so I pay for rent, food, bills, his cell phone (so he can receive calls for work)...and the kicker is that when he does make 300-500 bucks/job...I don't see any of it. Well, that's not entirely true - a couple of times here and there, he'll put a tank of gas in or pay for groceries...but 2 weeks ago he made 1000 - and I saw nothing from it. He got 250 up front from the guy before the job was done, and did not tell me...but I found out from overhearing the guy talk a couple of days before the job was done...and then he got paid the remainder 750 and I saw nothing. He also owes about 15,000 in taxes, old debts, fines and such. It is suck a fucking mess I don't know where to start. So, here I am trying to just keep things afloat so that he can make some money to pay his debts, and then hopefully he can make enough money to get a lawyer to clear his legal things...and all the while be a positive supportive girlfriend so that he can look to me when he is down.... but he has not made any attempts to read any books, make any meetings, get help. We live together right now in a new city and I can't imagine how to leave without leaving him homeless. Please help me - i am losing direction and I think I'm in too deep. I want to be a loving support for my guy and I everytime it happens I hear myself saying that this HAS TO BE THE LAST TIME! I am going crazy sometimes but no one would know it yet. I am a successful professional that is very resourceful and able. But I think I want a step by step and I know it is not that easy. I want someone to help me understand where he can get the advice he needs - frank legal, financial, emotional and holistic advice and support... I tell myself that he has to experience the pain and frustration of his actions. But kicking him to the streets until he cleans up and gets his life on track just seems way to harsh for me. I know there has to be a better way. He is intelligent. He is resourceful. But I also understand he has a lifetime of regret and is caught in a circle of unhealthy habits and personal shame which he medicates and crutches on. I do not want to be manipulated, and I feel half of his actions are emotional and sometimes things he does are his own emotional and chemical survival mechanisms which force him to lie and hide. For a while I thought that I would live and work in a remote wilderness area (which I would love)....and at the same time ifhe wanted to come he could, and it would be rough and natural. What do you think?

January 1, 2010
8:59 am
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sunshineburst
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So sorry you are living through his difficult time. I am a recovering addict and codependent. Quite simply, your significant other needs help, whether through a 12 step fellowship, treatment center, or psychologist/psychiatry. Drug addiction is a fatal disease if not arrested; people die from drug addiction every day! I would also suggest you could benefit from a group, or a counselor. I appreciate your desire to be kind, but your allowing him to stay is enabling him to contniue to use and abuse you. Please seek help for yourself, because you cannot fix him or stop his behavior!

January 1, 2010
11:38 am
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atalose
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The best advice I can offer you is this: run don’t walk to the nearest Al-anon or Nar-anon meeting for YOURSELF. Learn as much about addiction as you possible can, learn as much as you can about codependency for yourself…..arm yourself with knowledge from all angles that are involved in this dysfunctional relationship.

Understand your part, your limitations (you can’t love someone clean)and the difference between enabling and caring (paying all his bills, buying his cigaretts, driving him every where, etc.)

At this point in time there is no reason for this guy to get clean, why would an addict want to get clean when he has a roof over his head, food on his table, someone to buy him cigaretts and drive him to work when he feels like working . This sounds more like a mother – child relationship then a grown man and woman romance.

You can spend another 3 years hoping, waiting, and twitching for him to get clean and then for him to turn into the man you wish he can be. Expectations your expectations of what you think he can be is what is keeping you stuck and unable to move forward in a positive direction for yourself.

With you or without you he will continue to use drugs for what ever reason
(the reason doesn’t matter – that’s another way we convince ourselfs into staying) until HE choses to stop then follows it up with a plan of action.

Is it possilbe you fell in love with a man who has a long history of drug abuse but wasn’t out of control with it when you met him then proseeded further into the relationship until the REAL him finaly an fully emerged????

Is this the man exactely how and who he is today the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Because this may be as good as it gets.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 1, 2010
11:43 am
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haythere
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((((twistedtwitch)))

My son is an addict and I have had a front row seat to all of the behaviors your boyfriend exhibits. Everything you are doing for your boyfriend is enabling his drug abuse. Why should he get himself clean? Roof over his head, food in the fridge, someone to buy him cigarettes, ride to work or where ever he wants to go, cell phone paid for, nice girlfriend to pay the bills and keep him warm at night.

You say he has small relapses every 2-3 weeks, they aren't relapses, he is in active addiction and is simply abstaining from using until he has money to buy his drugs....thats why you never see any of the money he earns, it is probably all going to buy drugs.

We tried being supportive and encouraging him to stay away from drugs, got him counseling, sent him to rehab, you name it we tried it. I think he wanted to be clean and sober, if it was easy. But while it is relatively easy to get clean, it is hard work to stay clean & sober and learn to live a clean sober life. Most addicts aren't going to want to work that hard if they haven't felt the full pain of loss of everything they care about.

My son has lost pretty much everything he ever cared about over the last year. We kicked him out of the house, he lost his drivers license, we sold his car, he lost his girlfriend, lost his job, we stopped paying for his tech school tuition. He is now finally coming around and saying he is willing to do whatever it takes to get back on the right path.

I've found an awful lot of support here on this web-site, especially after we kicked him out of the house. That was incredibly difficult for me, to let go of him, detach with love. I didn't necessarily do it well, but I wasn't out there holding his hand everyday and making sure he had food to eat. He had to figure all that stuff out on his own, and he was hungry many times.
But his eyes are wide open now, and it seems he is making better choices for himself.

The difference between you and I is that you are not your boyfriend's mother, you are his girlfriend. You should not have to take care of him as if he was a kid. It sounds like he has avoided all adult responsibility, from maintaining a job to taking care of tickets and bills. You are going to have to make a decision for yourself, do want a child to take care of or an man to be your partner? You will not change him, the only thing you can change is how you deal with him. And that might include separating yourself from him until he gets the help he needs.

There is another poster here who has a great quote about addicts and how they can't love anyone, I hope she will find your thread and post it for you, it certainly gave me a slap in the face I really needed at that time.

Good wished to you, I hope you can find the answers you are looking for. Oh, and by the way, that twitch, I've had the same, usually when I'm exhausted from worrying about my son.

January 1, 2010
11:59 am
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fantas
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I echo everything you have been told here and I add this post that I never get tired of reading...Keep posting and reading!

atalose
12-Nov-09

My name's _______. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

January 1, 2010
4:56 pm
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StronginHim77
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I have been YOU. I am a recovering, codependent enabler, petrified of being alone and without a toxic man at the center of my life.

When we have a toxic man (and ALL addicts are toxic, honey) at the center of every waking thought and moment of our lives, it keeps us from looking at real problem: OURSELVES. Focusing all our energies, thoughts and efforts on controlling, fixing, protecting, cleaning up, lecturing or "saving" the toxic, adddict partner keeps us from looking at ourselves and examining WHY we would devote our lives to such fruitless relationships.

I can say all this because I HAVE DONE IT ALL MY ADULT LIFE...well, until I found these threads several years ago, got into therapy with a great psychologist and learned about my own codependency and what had caused it.

Today, I am different. Not 100% recovered yet, but I am learning each and every day to step back further and further from any relationship -- professional OR personal -- that would tempt me back into the old, codependent patterns.

You cannot fix this guy. You cannot save him. You cannot control him. You are simply enabling him to continue.

If you really do care about him, toss him out and force him to face reality. On his own. Without you, frantically cleaning up all his messes.

He will never even CONSIDER giving up his addiction of choice, until you are gone. It's sad, but it's the truth. As long as you are around, he will never have any motivation or reason to clean up and live sober. You have to leave. This is a dead-end relationship. You will NEVER have a happy ending with this guy.

- Ma Strong

January 1, 2010
5:55 pm
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hopeinhim
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Twisted,

Hi there - OMG........I have SO much in common with you. I have been avoiding this site for about a month while I worked on detaching from "R".

He had a 3-4 week pattern of smoking a couple of tokes of meth. He would get off on porn, be super out of it/paranoid for a few days. Then, came the stage I loved, where he was really into me. But, then the depression would kick in, then he would start being very curt with me.

About 4 days ago, I realized he was not going to make it into the New Year without relapsing. Indeed, he called me to say he was relapsing last night (this was the first time he actually called me), and I decided to help myself detach, I would date other people (but, nothing serious). Maybe this is not the most healthy thing, but after he relapsed in August, September, October, November, and now December - I just cannot keep doing this. Actually, I can keep doing it.........I won't.

Does my heart ache for him? Yes. Last night I gave him a choice between me and drugs. He chose drugs.

I wondered if I was "helping" to much. The night before last I took his keys and his computer. I have done this a couple of times. He actually initiated it awhile back. I saw it kind of like when an addict gets a prescription, and then they have somebody else administer it to them so they don't abuse it. When "R" got really intense cravings I would do that. But, I think too much of his recovery was focused on me. And, I was definitely too focused on his recovery.

I am having trouble eating today.........but I am cooking a turkey. Just 5 more hours to go. LOL

I am missing him, and fighting the urge to contact him. Thanks for this post. It is helping me a lot.

(((((((Twistedtwitch)))))))))))

BTW - I had the eye twitch before. Cutting caffeine helps, too. I don't know if you drink caffeine, but that can be part of it. Stress? Definitely! I love your user name - that is very insightful, creative, and encompasses the physical toll these relationships can have on us.

January 22, 2010
2:19 pm
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twistedtwitch
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Thank you for everyone who posted in response to my letter.

Jan 2 was a better day because of the support and knowledge and insight you shared with me. It's amazing when you read something that gives you an idea of how to think that is empowering for yourself.

Today is Jan 22, he has used 4 more times since then...and each time was a full night of emotional abuse. I have scribbled red marker over those days for myself and my partner to know how often it is...I try to avoid him as much as possible when i know he is using because in my mind I just think that his mind is not in the right place, and no matter what I say it falls on deaf, frigged up ears anyway. Its hard though, egh? You are SO MAD, and SO UPSET, and want to yell and scream and tear apart the house and garage looking for any bit of drug that is left for him to use...but you don't, somehow you must remain quiet, strong, clear, loving..(that's what I want to do anyway)...well I don't freak out so much ANYMORE...because it does absolutely NO GOOD... he doesn't hear what you are saying, not only because he doesn't want to hear, but his mind is not thinking clearly... and nothing changes except I don't get any sleep, I get the rudeness most degrading things said to me, I live in fear for the rest of the night not knowing if his state of mind will keep him from getting more enraged where he will not be able to control himself, and I also sleep with my keys in my pocket, my wallet hidden outside and a bag ready to go incase I have to just get out, and I wake up looking horrible with puffy drawn out eyes... NOT GOOD and not flattering! Its better for me to explain strongly and clearly and lovingly that I am not comfortable being around him when he is high, I will not stand by as he continues to use and he can talk to me in the morning about what he thinks about his life direction, and i will share mine. Then I go to sleep somewhere. And what a pathetic picture of relationship - so so so far from the spiritual path & connectedness and positive supportive relationship I want... OH YEAH, I read something today on another post that I like: To write down the mean things said or done to you. Then re read it if you need encouragement as to make your move out, or when you need positive support to make a difficult decision, or you catch yourself feeling bad, or that you may be overreacting. When I re read mine it looks HORRIBLE - its a quick reminder that NO i am not crazy, and NO i am NOT overreacting. Plus I deserve respect and the life I want to design. I know that no one but you readers REALLY knows what is going on, there is NO ONE who I can talk to about this and that is just too much for one gal to hold in her pretty head... Writing stuff down gets it 1) out of your head 2) on paper to remember... I was re reading some of the letters I wrote to my man and letters I wrote to myself in desperation to stay sane... from years back and months back.... the intensity and hurt and desperation I felt then DOES seem to FADE within about a 24 h period no matter what because that is HOW I COPE, and that is the type of person I am...its hard for me NOT TO FOCUS on the positive... and hope for better... that trait has served me well in almost all OTHER areas of my life... funny thing that it is also what enables my partner... one of my best and worst traits...

Thank you everyone!

signing off for now from twistedtwitch...

the twitch is gone, btw... and I feel much much better... now, the plan: just to get myself to a alanon meeting, write down my boundaries, demand respect, be aware of my 'trapping'/vulnerable points, get enough sleep, be strong, and speak the truth powerfully and honestly and lovinging....

January 22, 2010
2:37 pm
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twistedtwitch
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fantas -

your post/letter is powerful.

I cringe when i re-read it because i don't w a n t to believe it, but I KNOW TO BELIEVE IT.

This forum is such a safe place to vent and get support.

I'm still not sure about how the future will unfold, but I know that some personal counselling and continuiing to post and focus on myself is going to benifit me and maybe my relationship as my partner does or does not make positive changes in his life.

Thank you for everyone sharing your trials, your deepest honest thoughts and your strengths... it is ohsovery HELPFUL! Hugs to all

tt

January 22, 2010
2:48 pm
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StronginHim77
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If you're not married to him, you can leave very easily. He is not going to be motivated to change, as long as you are around to enable his behaviors.

Have you considered moving out, instead of trying to LIVE WITH HIS ADDICTION?

- Ma Strong

March 13, 2010
11:54 pm
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twistedtwitch
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Here we go again - but a different ending! How far I have come, but man, it's taken me a long time to get here!!

Today I left my boyfriend. Thank you for everyone's comments and responses...your words and support were the strength that kept me going today. As well, as the strong sayings that held me up, the same things that I got from the crisis line, and the women's safe house counsellor and the crisis worker. Everyone so patient with me - letting me get it all out. So therapeutic, and once the chaos had distilled...the strength that I was doing the right thing was left.

Mind you, it took a frightful night of violence for me to make the move...but I think I also was prepared to leave and the night 'could' have been worse, instead it was just really bad... My boyfriend, in a fit of rage that I did not give him money to buy drugs, and that I locked myself in my car in an attempt to leave, but he jumped on the hood, refused to get off, slammed his head on the windows, kicked the windshield in and broke the mirrors and almost pulled off the door, tried to roll the car with me in it...it was horrible...I tried to drive away but he just held on to the car...I couldn't drive fast or far because I thought I would hurt him... but after an hour of bipolar threats and comments he walked away about 20 ft and I drove away as fast as I could with him running and swearing after me... The night began with him trying to scare me in the house, telling me that if I didn't give him the money then the dealers were coming to the house because he 'owed' them, and they would 'poke holes' in him and me...I took a deep breath and said, 'I am not giving you any money...I'll take my chances that they are coming to this home..." THEN, he shoved me while I was sitting on the stairs, and then when he was right in my face yelling/whispering to please give him $80 when I didn't give it to him, he placed his hands around my neck for 1 second and squeezed... I screamed and ran outside to the car... I had my bankcard, cellphone and carkeys in my pocket... and then that is when it got ugly and public... this was between 2:30 and 4:30 in the morning... I was so scared and afraid but I knew I was safe somehow in the car...and all I had to do was somehow drive away... ANYWAY...I do not know what my boyfriend was on but I have seen this violent rage 1 and 2 times before in him... all I could think is that if I could just get away then I will leave him and be so much more happier...

I had a little bit of money saved up so I had enough money to fix the windshield, and get a hotel for a couple of days while I used the support from local resources to help me stay focused on my plan.

Why did it take this extreme situation for me to take action? Still figuring it out. I still have some glass cuts on my forehead...stung today as I was taking a bath...didn't notice it until now...

So, AGAIN, I have left with little.... 3rd time in this relationship...and each time it gets less and less I start out with...

I am still dealing with exactly what will happen after this week. But I don't care so much about all the lies and deception. I can see so clearly that he is in the throes of addiction, so selfish, blaming everyone, a film of manipulation over his words, not admitting that he has a huge drug problem... still focusing on so many other things that he feels is more important...

My bottom line, my final line, is that there is 'no chance for us without him getting into rehab or a centre, AND professional help...' AND ' I will not live with him, sleep over, have sex with him until at least ONE year has passed' and all my boundaries are respected. At that time, if it is meant to be, and he is clean and the man I think he has the potential to be then I will decide then... Maybe I may meet someone else along the way, but I am not looking for anyone... this is MY year that I will focus on me, what my needs are....what I want to do...I actually would like to be completely relationship-free for the next 12 months and see how things go... looking forward to it!

I am looking at the long term investment in myself.... and the long term test of how things go with my now ex-boyfriend.

First step... figuring out where will I live. Get good sleep. Eat good food. Go to an alanon meeting.

I AM talking to him on the phone - however I keep on saying my bottom line, and I am being strong, honest and loving. Saying I can believe he can change - but he has to want to. I have left him 2 numbers to access for help and the rest is up to him. For now, he has no money, barely a place to live, no car, no liscence, a job that is falling apart, tons of burnt bridges, and coming off a binge... there is a sad part of me that believes that HIS rock bottom is a little lower and dirtier...(I REALLY REALLY HOPE NOT) because there is so much risk in letting him go...

But I keep on telling myself that he makes his own decisions, and if he wants to change he will decide that on his own... and if he does not decide to change, and ODs or something serious happens to him... then that is not my fault... I compeletely love him and shower him with a belief that he has the strength to change, and their is a future for him of balance, health and peace. I tell him that now and all the time.

Now, I know my place in being a loving 'detached' supportive friend for him... and I can use all the rest of my energies on ME!

THANKS TO ALL - and more posts to come!

March 14, 2010
8:52 am
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CAMER
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its good to set boundaries...but don't think he will stay sober for one year, cuz it may not happen, how long is the longest he has been sober?

i've been thru the rollercoaster ride with an alcoholic, and gave him so many chances, and he always went back to the bottle.

Yes, he needs to hit rock bottom, and you still have to decide if you want to keep your heart invested even if there is a chance he sobers up for one year.

From the sounds of it, he has major anger manaagement issue, and that should be a dealbreaker, but to each his own.

I wish you luck.

March 14, 2010
11:06 am
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3rd time in this relationship and you leave with less each time? Why? Why not this be the final time in the relationship and start to build for you?

Use ALL of YOUR energy on YOU. His problems with drugs are his problems with drugs and I assume they have been there for first 2 rounds of your relationship as well?

Enable yourself to become healthy and happy.
I do wish you the best.

Mugsie

March 14, 2010
2:23 pm
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curious64
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Sounds like you have given him chances in the past and he just has not been willing to get help. Please don't be hurt by this, but I know from experience that if you think his feelings for you are enough to make him want to get clean and sober you are wrong.

It is tough to face that they don't really love us and that the addiction is controlling them, but once you face that it does get easier to focus on yourself and getting on with a happier, healthier life.

Trust me I know it is hard. I have been in love with the same man since 1986 and letting to of that is the hardest thing I have ever done, but the truth is that he is incapable of loving or caring for anyone because he is an addict.

Help for them has to come from their own desire to become healthier. Others cannot force rehab on them. My ex has been an alcoholic for over 30 years and smokes weed every single day. He spent a lot of time in and out of jail for alcohol releated things, even got evicted from his last apartment becuase of alcohol, but if you ask him if he has had any negative effects on his life from alcohol he will look at you with a straight face and say "NO". Everything wrong in his life is becauae of what someone else has done or not done, he accepts no responsibility.

Just walk forward focused on yourself. Once you get stronger and more healthy you will wonder what you ever saw in this guy. Tkae care and keep reading and posting, it helps. (((HUGS)))

March 14, 2010
10:21 pm
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LouWho
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Print Mugsie's advice and carry it in your purse.

Stay strong.

March 15, 2010
2:00 am
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twistedtwitch
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Yes, he does have anger management issues, drug issues, and all the other issues that are expressed in addiction... I KNOW that it is up to HIM alone, to be able to want to change, organize help and begin and sustain his own recovery...

He is saying that he has to focus on his own recovery and needs to get help with addiction and anger - which is something he has never said before. And I am not hanging on to his words, but only hoping for his sake and happiness that he does initiate the process and commit to searching and learning about himself and living a clean life.

Meanwhile, I have made arrangements to live on my own, attending al-alon meeting and get some 1 on 1 counselling so that I can process the trauma, deal with the grief and learn more about what is and how codependency has been an element in my life... and hopefully remain focused on myself so that I am able to share myself in a healthy way with whoever that may be...at whatever time that may be...

I am not maintaining a no contact rule with my ex at this time and I wonder about that... but I am maintaining a rule that we are not together as a couple now, will not be living together, and that he has to want recovery for himself and to committ to recovery, and accept responsibility for his actions in all that he does... if there is any chance of us being a couple in the future...

Does this sound too wishywashy? And does anyone think that I am interfering with his recovery by still talking to him?

wondering....

March 15, 2010
11:47 am
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haythere
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What has he done so far besides talk? Is he in rehab? Is he seeing a counselor? Is he simply not using drugs? There is a profound difference between abstaining and being in recovery.

Let his actions speak for him. Whether you communicate with him or not should have no impact on his recovery if he is sincere.

Just remember, addicts are experts at manipulating and finding just the right thing to say, especially to people looking to hear certain things from them.

(((hugs)))

March 15, 2010
12:55 pm
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Mugsie
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Twisted,

You may have to set the boundary of no contact to ensure both of you can recover. With contact, you may be enabling him to continue on with his illnesses because he sees you have not left, completely, and that you accept him as he is and always has been. Separate yourself from the trauma and drama, even if it's for a little while, so he can see you mean business and that he needs to start meaning business by getting the help he desperately needs.
Having no contact does not ensure he will do what he promises to do but you need to get the peace within your own mind and heart without being dragged down again.

March 16, 2010
8:44 am
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StronginHim77
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The reason you are hesitating to initiated the full "No Contact" policy is because (deep inside) you are still harboring false hope that -- somehow -- your ultimatum (and the possibility of losing you) may shock him into a complete turnaround. In other words, you are nursing the false hope that he will change...and that this doomed relationship will magically work out.

When you are ready to lay down that false hope and face the Reality of life without this toxic man in the center, you will initiate No Contact and begin the road to your own, personal recovery.

- Ma Strong

March 16, 2010
4:44 pm
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Mugsie
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Ma Strong,
Love that...absolutely wonderful.

March 19, 2010
11:07 pm
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twistedtwitch
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this last week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me! And now I find myself, alone, crying while I am cutting up vegetables to make the soup I know I should eat but have no desire to... all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry!

I posted the beginning of this thread from the hotel room I was 'hiding' out at for 2 days after the violent episode on Friday, 7 days ago. Now that I look back, I think that my boyfriends crack binge probably started about 10 days ago... ANYWAY, I love my boyfriend VERY VERY much, we had been together for 4 years, and he has struggled with addiction over the 4 years, I would probably say about 3 crack binges, with each one ending in violence and me leaving him for a time... this time was different because, on the advice on the women's shelter counsellor...I saw that he would never change with my pleading, supporting, helping....and that I loved him enough to do the right thing and have him face the consequences of his actions. So, I ended up calling the police and charged him with assault, and causing damage to my property (mischief under $5000), and then he was held overnight and released the next day with conditions not to contact me. He went to my place within 2 hours of being released to 'get his stuff', but did not bring the police as it was suppose to be done AND I CALLED the police again to report his breech. I have been crying so much about calling the police on him - I never thought I would... AND THEN, because he breeched the condition of no contact, there was a warrant for his arrest, so he was arrested and in court today and pleaded guilty. Now, there is a 1 year probation, with counselling, drug rehab, and must not use drugs, have weapons, make contact with me, or go to my place of residence, education or workplace. I met him today with a police officer (to keep the peace) and gave him almost all of his stuff (he doesn't have a place yet so it was the basics), $600 that was from his last job that I had in my account, a cell phone that he can have, but I will be cancelling my account next month. It was quiet and sad, and I told him to do the right thing here, and that the no contact will last for a year. He said you can change that, I told him that I probably wouldn't and that I was probably going to leave the province... I am not sure if that will be my plan... but I want him to think there is no chance for us and that he decision to get clean and change his life has to be for himself. But now, back at home, chopping carrots and crying... I am consumed with thoughts of him getting clean... and what if he needs to know that I love him... and what if he just wants to talk for support... and we are new to this area and we both do not know anyone and he has no family here... I want to share my life with him and love the way things are when he is straight! I love his enthusiasm and interest in the trees and the ocean... and we never got a chance to live the life we wanted because of his addiction....but I can't stop missing him and this is only day 1 here... i don't want to meet anyone else because he knew me so well..and i miss him SO MUCH.. I can't stop thinking of all the loving times... and his lightest touch was so beautiful, and his quiet way he would brush my hair with his fingers and say his name for me just is making me totally tearful and bawling!! Yes, I know there were bad times... but I just can't stop thinking about if 1 year of no contact is the way to go. Some people say that the road ahead, if I choose to stay with him will be paved with relapses and I do not want to go through that again! But I want him to know that I love him and miss him and do not hate him! I want someone to tell me that I can send him a letter or something like that in the future - and it won't interfere with his recovery...

I need some thought or perspective to hold on to right now. Is playing hardball on the outside, while I am dying on the inside the right thing to do? Or should I be honest and say, we'll see in a year how you are doing.... or...your decision for recovery has to be for you, I want you to be clean and healthy and there is no chance for a future for us unless you are recovered... I don't know! All I know is that today I told him that i am going to probably stay with the no contact 1 year thing and he face was so sad and quiet... I can't even imagine what he is thinking right now... walking around with a couple of bags of his belongings on the street and trying to find a place to stay for the night.. it is so sad for me and I can't stop crying...

twisted heart

March 20, 2010
10:28 am
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atalose
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{{{{{{I need some thought or perspective to hold on to right now.}}}}}

Everything you mention:

Giving him a cell phone to use for the next month.

You told him you will PROBABLY be leaving the province. In hopes he will chose to get clean and sober for you.

You want him to know how much you love him.

You feel guilty for calling the police on him after his last drug binge.

Your still thinking about a future with him, hoping for sobriety so you end up with the fantasy relationship you wish you can have with him.

You want to write him a letter, why? What do you want to say that he doesn’t already know?

You are in your addiction right now, much like he is in him. Your addiction is him and you are going through withdrawl. Much like the addict who obsesses about his net fix, you are doing the same thing here. Addicts always want assurance that they will get their next fix, they think about it, they plan it, how are they going to obtain it and when. Your thoughts are no different right now. You want to write a letter, for what, to assure that there will be a fix some where down the road for you.

Not to sound mean or harsh here, but he’s not crying over you, he obsessing like you but it’s not over you it’s over his drugs. No one gets clean or sober with one foot in the door and other out there has to be a real true driving desire, not one that is court ordered or forced upon. You both are being forced into a situation that neither one of you truly desire, and that makes recovery difficult to say the least.

Everything you say is still putting him first, his needs and his wants………….what about you and your needs and wants? How important are you to you? because that is the only thing that matters for your own recovery. If you want to go down with the sinking ship (him) that is your choice. But much like the consequences from his own choices, you’ll have some too. Less friends and family = less support for when you truly do make the right decision to give up your addiction once and for all. Missing out on a happy life that is not built around drugs in any way. Remaining in a life filled with un-healthy people will keep you un-healthy……….all of that is your choice.

If this were me I’d be getting my butt in a life boat and going to as many meetings as I could find.

Yes, this is all new to you, feelings are running in every direction possible but the longer you stay with those feelings the longer they will last, you need something to begin to break the thought process and meeting may be where you find it. We often postpone that much like the addict does but then again we never view ourselves as the addict because we stay so focused on one.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 20, 2010
2:52 pm
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Twisted:

I feel for you. I know how painful it is to let go of someone, and those burning embers of hope don't help the process at all. 🙁

Atalose is right when she says to focus on yourself right now, exclusively.

Atalose:

This was so well said. Could you please tell me your preferred books on codependency and addiction, particularly relationship addiction?

I read the book you advised some time ago on fear of intimacy and found it excellent. I would appreciate having other book recommendations or resources from you. Thank you.

Your comments here have been invaluable to me. Thank you for sharing you wisdom and experience ((((Atalose))))

March 20, 2010
3:04 pm
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atalose
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Moon & Stars,

Thank you, it’s hard lessoned learned with my hard head that brings the wisdom I have learned. Dedication to myself and a wanting a better life for myself. For me I needed to hear harsh realities because I was any where but in reality.

One book I enjoyed was: Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody

another one I recommend is:

The Disease To Please by Harriet Braiker

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 21, 2010
7:59 am
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Thanks, Atalose! 🙂

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