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ACOAs and CODAs: question about relationships
September 12, 2005
4:17 am
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Neshema
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Do you think that ACOAs (adult children of alcoholics) prefer or need to have their serious romantic relationships (or they work out better) with other ACOAs? Do you think ACOAs work out with CODAs who aren't ACOAs? I ask because I know ACOAs tend to marry other ACOAs, and my previous bf was an ACOA. WE had a wonderful relationship for a long time, but I didn't understand the whole ACOA thing until I started reading about it. By then it was too late, and I even think he didn't want me in the inner circle of his ACOA world. His ex-wife was an ACOA. Funny, he had begged me never to leave him. He said he would panic if I didn't return his calls. Then, once I had him figured out, he abandoned me the way his parents did. I chose to read up on it, cuz he went off his psych meds, cuz he was JUST SO HAPPY with me. There were so many times he cried and cried (literally) saying he couldn't live without me. Then, once he went off his meds, it was pure hell. I stuck by him for a long time, supporting him, begging him to go back on his meds. Finally, I gave up when it was over the top. I really miss the person he was, but I can't go back. I just wonder if it was an impossible situation, because I will never understand his world, since I am not an ACOA. He had it very hard growing up. His parents were totally drunk and abandoned him since he was 5. Yet, he went on and became a psychologist, of all things, yet he ruined the best relationship he claims he ever had. Now, I can't do anything about it, can I? I miss him so much it hurts.

September 12, 2005
8:35 am
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Cesera
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My mother was an alcoholic. And each of my three serious relationships were with guys who had alcoholic parents. None of these relationships worked out, but then again, none of us were doing anything to get better.

Maybe when someone is trying to heal, it's easier to be with someone who is going through the same thing. I personally hope that I can find someone "normal", if that's possible : )

People will tell us nice things and build a fantasy world. They need it too, but we need to take care of ourselves. It's painful to see what's really there. I am sorry that you are missing him and hurting. Please take care...

September 12, 2005
3:58 pm
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kathygy
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I know many ACOA's that got married and are very happy. I think ACOA's get together partly because they are speaking the same language and working on similiar goals.

I'm sorry your relationship fell apart. It sounds like there is nothing you can do about it but accept that it's over. Even if you were an ACOA and attended meetings it wouldn't of helped if he went off his meds. You couldn't have stopped it from happening because you have no control over him.

love,
kathy

September 12, 2005
6:13 pm
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Neshema
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Thanks for the responses. I almost replied to an email from him last nite that he had sent me a month ago. I didn't. I decided not to hit the send button, and give another day to think about it.

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