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Aces - wondering why I am so afraid
May 18, 2004
11:03 am
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Anonymous
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So I have come to the conclusion that I am afraid of a healthy relationship. I think some of you know of the new guy on the volley ball team who is really nice, attractive, great all around, yet I get so freaked out at the thought of spending time with him. I get uncomfortable and uneasy, and I think it is due to the fact that this could possibly be something good, so why does that freak me out. I would rather stay with Mr. Jack who is a jerk, and not nice, than be with someone who cares about me, and is nice. What is wrong with me. And its not that I like the pain, its that Im freaked out by the niceness. Does anyone else feel this way?

May 18, 2004
11:30 am
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Worried_Dad
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Healthy relating is learned. You have learned that the situation with Mr. Jack is not good for you. It is a famliar situation, so you stick with it. Now it is time for you to learn what something better feels like.

May 18, 2004
11:50 am
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But why am I so afraid, I mean it literally is a sick feeling, physical that makes me want to run from this new guy, and I think the fact that Mr. Jack is still in my life. He actually had the nerve to tell me last night that when I play volleyball it should be just that, and I shouldnt be going out with the team because that is weird. I don't quite understand his logic except that he doesn't want me having more people in my life. He then calls me at 2:00 in the morning to check up on me. And this new relationship would be so good for me, the guy is so great, I am just so terrified and not sure how to handle it.

May 18, 2004
12:22 pm
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Worried_Dad
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The answer to "why" may take some counseling or heavy self-help.

For now, it is enough to know that you are.

Intimacy is always about risk-taking.

May 18, 2004
12:38 pm
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Anonymous
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True very true it just makes me think there is seriously something wrong with me to rather be with someone mean than nice, that is not normal nor healthy.

May 18, 2004
12:56 pm
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nancee
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Aces, I have just made the same realization about myself. While I have never been involved with someone who is physically abusive, I do always tend to gravitate to men who are emotionally absent and have intimacy issues. I wondered for years why I sought out those kinds of relationships and then one day, a lightbulb moment.

I have intimacy issues.

It scares me to death to think about being that close to someone and to feel like they need me or depend on me for some part of their happiness. So, to a certain extent, I have created this mess that my life is out of my own fear. I haven't a clue how to fix it though. I think that is why I keep gravitating back to my ex is that we seem to be working on the same issues. If he gets his shit together and decides he wants a life with me will it scare me away? I have no idea. It's a positive step that we have realized this about ourselves. That's what growth is all about.

May 18, 2004
1:28 pm
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Nancee I totally agree with you. I think that having someone want to be with me, and knowing that I make them happy scares the crap out of me because it could lead to something real, and something real is what freaks me out. THe thought of being truly happy and in love makes me want to run in the other direction because I don't want someone that close to me ever. It makes me anxious and literally sick inside.

May 18, 2004
1:33 pm
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nancee
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I think one thing that has always been an issue with me, and maybe with you, is that I seek out men that I feel need to be fixed. I don't know if this is even a conscious thing with me. But if I'm spending time focusing on what they're thinking, how I can help them to change, I'm not having to pay any attention to myself and my needs. I avoid thinking about who I am really because it scares me and I know I have a ton of work to do to be healthy, both physically and mentally.

May 18, 2004
1:34 pm
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acj
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Hey Aces---

I know for a while, before I realized that there is such a thing as a healthy relationship, I didn't think I deserved a nice guy. Yes, I have done some things in my past that I'm not proud of and I thought to be in a healthy relationship that you had to bear all. You don't. Some things are better left buried. So, I've forgiven myself for my past mistakes and I won't let anyone dig them back up. I don't want people to have the same opinion of me that I used to have.

Plus, I have the fear of someone getting close and hurting me. But being with mean people feels like home.... So, I think it's "the one" but it just turns out they were like my mother or father... Sounds almost sick now that I'm reading what I'm typing....

Well, that's just my take on it...

acj

May 18, 2004
2:51 pm
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Anonymous
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See my parents were never mean, but being with mean people does feel like home to me as well, i feel more comfortable and in control of myself and my feelings, and Im so terrified of being with someone nice, and its not the bad boy appeal but more the taking care of myself that I see it as

May 18, 2004
3:30 pm
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nene41
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The question you must ask yourself is, "are you ready to give a nice person a healthy relationship in return".
It's quite possible to take on the characteristics of a person like "Jack" after dealing with them for so long. Do some soul searching to see if you are where you should be.

May 18, 2004
4:56 pm
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I really don't think I should be in a relationship at all. I have a lot to work on myself and I think going into a relationship and trying to work on something is less likely to work. I'm just so confused because I truly care about Mr. Jack and I like being with him when we are not fighting, which sounds really bad, I mean when it's good, it's good but when it's bad it's really bad, and that is the hard part.

May 19, 2004
12:24 am
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natty
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Aces, I posed the question to my therapist a few weeks ago ``if I am so desperate for love I cling to guys who are emotionally unavailable, why don't I just latch on to any of the really nice decent guys who want to take me out, cause I don't want to go near any of those guys''?
Her answer was, you were abused by emotionally unavailable parents and so emotionally unavailability is familiar to you, and we are too scared to venture into the unfamiliar territory. Scary thought, but she really made sense. Her advice to me was to give the nice guys, who scare me just because they are nice, a chance. Hope this helps.

May 19, 2004
10:19 am
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Anonymous
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I am truly trying. I saw Mr. Nice guy last night, and we had a great time playing in the park and on the swings. I have so much fun with him, yet only let it go so far then jet out like a bat out of hell. I hope that there becomes a day when I want to stay. I think though my dating Mr. Jack is what holds me back as well. He called again last night and another fight of course. I don't think the stress is good for me and I know that this is just going to get worse. Hopefully when I start my Master's in June that will refocus my attention to something healthy that isn't a guy. Thank you all for the help.

May 19, 2004
2:14 pm
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nancee
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Natty, what you said makes more sense than anything I've heard for a long time. I had an emotionally absent parent for most of my young life and don't know how to deal with intimacy in my adult life. It's hard to be around a nice guy who seems to like me because I am always afraid I'm going to do something to hurt them and I usually do. It's easier for me to suffer in silence with someone who won't pay any attention to me than be around someone who needs my attention.

May 19, 2004
2:57 pm
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I had that exact same thought last night Nancee, with the New Guy that I'm just going to hurt him, and Id rather be with someone that hurts me than me hurting someone. Why do we do that. Mr. Jack and I are in a fight again, big shock. I'm upset because he never wants to go out and do anything, and I don't think that is too much to ask, so I break it off. Again. Im tired.

May 19, 2004
3:19 pm
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nancee
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I know, it's a lot of responsibility to think about making someone happy and not being able to live up to what they think you are. I'm the same as you, rather hurt myself than risk hurting someone else. I hate to watch someone else be hurt. It's easier to just take it myself and deal with it.

May 19, 2004
7:07 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Aces,

I've just re-read a wonderful book by Scott Peck called "The Road Less Traveled." Check it out.

Loving is risky. Change is risky. Try to let the feeling be scary-exciting instead of scary-scary.

Mr. Jack sounds like a pill. You have fun with Mr. Nice. Go for it! Let his love mean something to you.

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