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ACES ARE YOU HERE???
March 26, 2004
12:12 pm
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MEC
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Aces,

What is going on with you? Are you okay? having fun with Ron still or is he driving you crazy?

MEC

March 26, 2004
6:09 pm
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Ron has actually done like a 180 and been super super nice, its very strange, Im kinda freaked out maybe this is how he felt when I was being nice to him, he prolly was like what is up with this.... But yes I still like him I think Ive come to the realization that I love him, and I cannot believe I feel that how can you love someone when you have so many problems with them. What about you how is it going, job, Ali, and so forth?

March 26, 2004
11:31 pm
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Hey Aces,

Things with Ali are going really well. This past week has kind of being the first week we've been on our own. (The week before that I had family in town so there were people in the house the whole time. Then Pancho showed up by surprise on the weekend.) Tomorrow I am going to a conference and then Pancho is coming for a week (he is moving back to Seattle so he asked if he can come to get the rest of his stuff and finish the work he has been doing at the house). Of course, I said that he could. I can never say no to him. I talked to Ali about it and he is going to stay with friends for next week. I am actually going to SF on Sunday for a few days for a work related conference and then I'll be back Tuesday night.

Work is okay. I do like it better than my old job so far, but, I am seing some similarities in my new boss to my old boss, i.e. lack of patience, senseless screaming at staff, etc. So, we'll see ... it's still only been 2 weeks.

In terms of Ron, I'm glad he is being nice to you and that you realize how he may have felt when you were doing the same thing to him. I am glad things are working out for you, but, are you sure you are in love? If you are and he reciprocates, that's great. But, I used to think that about Ali and now that things are working out pretty well, I am starting to question whether I really love(d) him or whether I just wanted something I couldn't have (or thought I couldn't have). I don't know.

Anyway, believe it or not, but it's 8:30 pm and I am still at work. I hope to finish some discovery before I leave tonight so that I can have a piece of mind tomorrow at my conference and same with SF on Sunday-Tuesday.

I will check later on if you are around. I would love to hear more news from you.

March 29, 2004
11:15 am
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MEC: Things are still going well with Ron, I am wondering if there is a possibility to have an unhealthy relationship turn healthy you know. I know that Marley is not doing well right now, so all the support we can give her would be great. Ron made me dinner last night and it has been a week of not fighting, it has been so nice, even in the beginning our relationship wasnt this "normal" so to speak. I am wondering how the finance is?

April 1, 2004
9:35 am
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Hey Aces,

I like your question, only because soemtimes I wonder the exact same thing.

What is going on with Marley? Is she okay?

So, to give you an update on the status of my stuff. Last week things between Ali and I were going great. Then, on Thursday Pancho offered to come to visit, stay for a week, and finish the bathroom on his way back up to Seattle. Ali and I discussed it and agreed that this was the best thing to do. Ali was going to stay with friends last Saturday through today. I was going out of town to SF on Sunday and getting back last Tuesday and then starting Tuesday night the plan was for Ali and I to just stay at a motel. Ali came to get me from the airport on Tuesday but I told him I needed to go home to figure out what is going on with the bathroom, change, etc. Well, in the course of driving home, we had a pretty bad fight so basically when we got home, I was angry and told him things were over asked for the keys to the house back, etc. Yesterday in the morning we exchanged a couple of phone calls always kind of hanging up on each other (or more accurately, me hanging up on him). Then in the evening he told me he found another place to live and that really upset me. Obviously, because I didn't mean what I said that I wanted him to move out, etc. Anyhow, while he was working, we agreed that we would talk about it again last night, he was suppossed to call me after work. Needless to say, he never did.

Pancho and I went to a soccer game (Costa Rica v. Mexico) and had the unfortunate experience of having our car towed. I called Ali like a million times to come and help (he didn't know I was with Pancho) and he never returned my phone calls and never called me back.

On the one hand, I want to be really mad at him. I think he was a jerk, etc. But, on the other, I know he loves me and I don't know how to best resolve this situation so things are okay again. I couldn't sleep all night. I kept calling him on his cell but he wasn't picking up.
I came to the realization that while we live together and are together on a day to day basis, we don't really fight and we don't really have problems. But, once we are apart for any significant amount of time, things start going haywire (I totally don't know how to spell that word).

On the one hand, I feel like maybe it's better to just end things with him cold and go through detox again? But, on the other, now, I am sure he loves me and I kind of don't want to, but, I don't want him acting like that. Yesterday, he almost cried on the phone and was like, what do you want me to do? That is when we decided we would talk about it etc. But, I guess between then and when he got off work, he changed him mind ... I don't know. I know this is affecting me a lot and one way or the other it needs to stop.

Then, when I was at the soccer game with Pancho, he obviously noticed me calling Ali a lot and got upset about it. So, I had a mini argument with him last night also.

Overall, it's Thursday and I feel calm. I mean it's not as bad as before and perphas that is because I'm either starting to care less or because I know Ali loves me? But, on the other, I don't know what the better thing to do is.

I have 2 plans kind of. One is to stop calling Ali, do detox, have Pancho finish the bathroom, and concentrate on my own things. The other is go to Ali's work tonight (it is like 2 blocks away from my work) and talk to him there. I am sure he will call me as the day goes by with some lame excuse (he was really tired, fell asleep, and didn't hear the phone) or something like that. I'm thinking I probably won't pick up his phone call (assuming there is one) and wait until I can talk to him in person tonight. I always prefer to talk to him in person because we both get upset easily over the phone (especially myself). I kind of feel like when I talk to him in person I can get him to do anything I want (maybe that's another reason I feel calm today still). What do you think?

The option of being alone for a while is not really an option right now. That really scares me, plus, I really like the idea of him paying my rent. (Pancho says that is the main reason I am with Ali, b/c he give me money and I am so money hungry.) But, really, I don't think so, because I am sure that I could get someone to pay my rent and not have so much stress over it. What do you think?

Anyhow, I will be on this site quite a bit lately, I'm sure, so, I hope you will read and comment (and anybody else who has a comment as well).

Thanks guys.

I hope everyone is doing well and if not, let me know what I can do to help.

Mec

April 1, 2004
10:35 am
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Zinnie
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MEC - this is the last thing you want to hear, and I say it because I care.

You are a smart women, but you are making some of the worst mistakes you can ever make. You are obviously drawn to the quagmire of drama, you love it.

Let them all go, and get yourself some help. Serious help to see why you do these things.

Until you do that, nothing will ever change for the better for you.

Sadly, I know you will get upset like when I posted last time, and you won't.

But, think about it.

Zinnie

April 1, 2004
11:29 am
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Hi Zinnie,

I'm glad you posted. No, I am not upset. I appreciate your opinion and in my head, I know that you are right. But, you know, sometimes you can give the best advice and know exactly what the right thing to do is, but, you just can't do it. Do you know what I mean? My head agrees with you completely. But, I know that as hard as I try I will not be able to go through it. Not yet. I am sure the day will come when I will be able to do it, but, it has not yet come do you know what I mean? And, I am not saying this because I am plotting something or because I want revenge or ulterior motives, whatever. I just know, in a way, that I won't be able to do it and really I know that is not something I want right now.

The good thing is that I think going through all this has made me a stronger person in the sense that all this drama doesn't affect me as much as it did in the past and part of it may be due to my new job. It is really intensive, but I like it and I like the money that I am making and I concentrate on that and put that first and foremost. I know that had this happened a couple of months ago, I would be crying, maybe not going to work, plotting, whatever. It's not like that any more. This doesn't mean that I don't think I have a problem, I do, but, I feel like I have moved a little bit towards dealing with it (maybe not a whole lot, but a little).

So, the thing is Zinnie is that one of my problems and the problem I have with every relationship I am in is that whenever there are arguments, things get really out of control. This time, last night, I feel like thigns have gotten out of hand a bit, but, not as much as they would have a couple of months ago. I just called Ali and told him that I think things got out of hand last night and that we should talk rather than make it go out of hand even further. I think things will work out with or without him. But, I feel that my issues are being dealt with albeit in a small way because I am beginning to recognize the problems I have and attempting to deal bit by bit.

I do want your advice and candor. I do appreciate it. I just wish you wouldn't get upset if I don't take it. I mean, I would love to be able to do what you suggest, I really would. But, I can't. I am not strong enough, I don't know how.

I think some of this stuff, no matter how much counseling one gets, will not be worked out that way but will work out with time you know? I am unfortunate in that my father died and I don't have male support and I can't really talk to my mom. There are a bunch of other issues gonig on in my life right now that are priority also (which perhaps helps keep things within hand and in control to some extent).

The other thing is too that I know that in a way Pancho is right. Part of the reason I am afraid of letting Ali go is because he does help me financially and I am afraid constantly of losing everything I have worked for. Then, when I feel like I lose Pancho or Ali, I feel like I no longer want any of those things. Anyhow, I do appreciate your advice and I hope that you will continue to comment and give it to me. But, considering what I think I can and can't do realistically at this moment, you can help me with some small steps and/or suggestions that I can do ...???

How is your health these days Zinnie?

April 2, 2004
2:36 pm
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MEC:
So have you and Ali worked things out? I think you need to try to figure out what it is that you really want, not what they want, but what you want you know, and go with that. You have to figure out what is going to be best for you, but hanging on to all these guys has got be stressful, I know when I've done that it has been. Ron flipped out on me the other night, really weird, out of the blue no where just flipped out, was like we shouldnt see eachother this is negative, I don't see this going anywhere, blah blah blah, and I'm actually okay with that right now, you know his loss, I'm sure tomorrow it will suck I have good days and bad days, and the sad thing this is only day two

April 2, 2004
4:42 pm
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Hi Aces,

Good to hear from you. I heard about Ron and you from Marley. I hope you are doing okay.

Ali and I are kind of in the process of working things out. I am still confused. It is so hard to figure out what one wants, really.

Do you have any more recent news for me re Ron and you?

I will updated you on Ali and I in a bit.

MEC

April 2, 2004
5:00 pm
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No recent news, he just kinda flipped out so oh well, TR called Marley today though. They went to lunch

April 2, 2004
7:45 pm
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Oh, that's good to know about Marley. I knew he would. I told her that he would to hold off on pressuring him, etc.

So, Ali got an apartment with a friend but he and I are talking and are suppossed to talk today at 6:30. Hopefully this time it will work out. I will post after I talk to him or tomorrow and update.

How do you feel about Ron today? Are you okay? What made him flip?

April 2, 2004
9:03 pm
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So, Ali has these friends -- Dan & Brooke -- and it really bugs me whenever he hangs out with them. I don't have too much time to write now, but, I will write more later. Anyhow, we made arrangements to talk between 6:15 and 6:30 and I just called him to tell him it will have to be a little later. I asked him where he was and he said he was at Dan & Brook's. So, I got annoyed. Now, I think that when we talk, I will just tell him that I want to let it all go and start detox. It's going to be very very hard, I know that. But, I guess I have to put my foot down somewhere. Any thoughts?

April 8, 2004
5:39 pm
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Aces, I haven't heard from you in a few days now. Are you okay?

April 8, 2004
6:03 pm
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Im alright how are you, just been busy a lot of crap with Ron, but oh well Im hoping its over now, I feel differently towards him like Im tired of all the questions, plus he doesnt like marley he says she is my instafriend, Im just growing bored and tired with him, WHAT ABOUT YOU, how are you and ali, I heard he is getting another place?

April 12, 2004
11:05 am
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Hey,

I'm glad to hear you are okay.

Why doesn't he like Marley? What's an instafriend?

So, Pancho moved back to Seattle.

Ali got his own place but since Pancho moved he hasn't really left my house. The thing is that on the one hand it's kind of nice b/c he's been helping me a lot, but, on the other, I kind of want him to leave already. At least for a day or two. I am feeling a bit cramped if you know what I mean? So, today if he doesn't go home to sleep at his house, I think that I am nicely going to suggest that he does.

I hear Marley is having a really tough time right now. She said she was posting a lot here, but, I haven't seen anything she posted. I hope she is okay.

I plan to go visit you all soon in Denver. Maybe if there is a long weekend in May ... You two should come out here to LA soon.

Zinnie, if you are reading any of this. You were right, I definately need some space and time on my own and now I am realizing that I think I can do that/have that without giving up Ali ... if you know what I mean.

April 15, 2004
12:45 pm
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Aces, do you know where Mandy is posting?

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