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Accepting Codependency
February 14, 2009
9:24 am
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feelinlost
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Hello all. At the end of a recent relationship, I was faced with the reallity that I am a classic codependent person. From high school on to about 3 years ago I was with my highschool sweetheart who turned out to be an addict. I feel that this whole relationship turned me into the codependent I am today. I have tried to appease, been sad when not getting what I need, tried to hard to be loved, been controlling, and have done the sweetest of things for all the wrong reasons. It took my last relationship to realize and accept that I am codependent. Unfortunetly it took me all this time to realize it and I am in a funk about losing this last one because I truly love and care for her and I truly thought she was the one but my self destructive behavior had pushed her away. Now I do not know how to get better. I am sad most of the time. All I can think about is her. It is hard to admit but being codependent smothered her and I don't want that to happen again. Where do you start?

February 14, 2009
1:24 pm
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_anonymous
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feelinlost- Welcome. The first step is admitting you have a problem and I see that you have stepped right up to the plate here. The second step is to understand that your addict girlfriend did not cause your problems or your co-dependency she just added to them.

If you blame your X addict girl friend for your problems then that means you are not accepting responsiblity for your problems. And if you dont accept responsibility for your problems then you wont have to change.

If you want to change then you have to accept responsiblity for your decision to have a relationship with an addict.

The reason why you were attracted to an addict comes from your child hood. When people choose addicts and stay with them they are acting out traumas from the past. They think if they can fix the addict they can fix the people who abandoned them and were not there for them emotionally growing up.

See growing up we had no choice who are parents were or how they did or didnt take care of us. We were powerless over their abuse and neglect. Then we grow up and in order to fix these bad out of control feelings we often become very controlling and find ourselves attracted to people who are out of control, destructive, so we can control and fix them thinking that it will fix what our parents broke inside of us during child hood.

And we repeat this pattern over and over again. We either walk away from people cause we cant fix them or people walk away from us cause they dont want to be fixed.

As long as we can focus on controlling other people we dont have to deal with our issues. So, we live in denial that we have our own pain, dysfunction and destructive tendancies. We use other people the same way an addict uses drugs and that is to numb our pain.

The reason why you want to get better is cause you are tired of using dysfuncional patterns that arent getting you anywhere. The reason why you cant get better is cause you dont have the skills.

If you want to gain new skills so you can cope with problems, and navigate relationships in a healthy manner then you have 2 choices.

One is to go through the school of hard knocks and learn through experience and get advice from lay people. This way could take 10 or 20 years if ever before you get it.

The other way is to attend a group call CODA Codependents Annonymous and or go to therapy with a licensed professional who can work on your individual issues and develop an individual plan to get through your stuff the quickest way possible.

February 14, 2009
2:50 pm
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feelinlost
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Thank you for the reply destiny. Its comforting to know that there are others out there that struggle with the same problems as me. I agree and feel that I had always had some codependence issues with me and that my ex just brought them to a boiling over point. I do not blame her. It took me a long hard look at myself to admit that I am a codependent. A most recent relationship with another woman had been ruined because of this issue. I feel alone, betrayed, angry, sad, not comfortable in my own skin. It just really hurts alot because I feel I ruined the relationship because of the fact that I am codependent. I truly care for this woman and would love to rekindle a relationship with her. We did not part on bad terms at all. However she did point out classic issues of codependency such as needing to control, not being able to voice my opinion, being too helpful and appeasing just to make sure I didn't lose her and that's what pushed her away and it sucks. I have finally hit bottom and understand that. I am scared to move on from her. I have set up an appt with a therapist and hope to tackle these issues but am scared that i wont be able to do it

February 14, 2009
3:49 pm
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StronginHim77
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You have taken the best possible First Step: seeking out therapy for your codependency issues and learning their SOURCE. That's the key: find the cause of our codependent behaviors from childhood.

A professional will be able to help you sort through this process of recovery and emerge healthier and attracting healthier partners.

- Ma Strong

February 14, 2009
8:22 pm
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_anonymous
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feelinlost- Once you start therapy your therapist will help you find the way. Right now you are stuck. Therapy will get you unstuck. Then you will be able to move in any direction you choose.

During therapy you will quit focusing on your XGF and this other woman and start focusing on you. Once you get to know yourself you will learn to love yourself and you will have the confidence to be who you are and to attract a woman who will love you just the way you are.

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