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ACCEPTANCE
December 20, 2003
11:17 am
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HARRYO
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Hey all, I got this from a CODA meeting
this AM. He got it from the AA Big Book.

ACCEPTANCE

And acceptance is the answer to ALL my
problems today. When I am disurbed, it
is because I find some person, place, thing or situation-some fact of my life-unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place,
thing, or situation as being exactly the way
it is suppossed to be at this moment. Nothing,absolutely nothing happens in God's
world by mistake. Unless I acceept life
completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on
what needs to be changed in the world as on
what needs to be changed in me and my
attitudes.

December 20, 2003
11:49 am
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mj
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Thanks for sharing this. I needed to hear this.

December 20, 2003
12:28 pm
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Zinnie
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Nice Harry... and so true.

Funny how much things are different when we approach them with a good attitude. I find that a lot.

Now, when I'm faced with something I have a preconcieved attitude towards, I try to blank it out, and go in with an open mind. Sometimes, just sometimes... I find... that...

I actually have fun.

Z.

December 20, 2003
12:58 pm
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HARRYO
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I really want to live the above
mentioned post. Unfortuneately, lately
I am in the "nightmare" phase of
my life. Because I am having so much
trouble accepting my breakup with
"the love of my life", when I
wake up I feel like "this can't
be happening to me, it must be a
nightmare."
When I can accept that it is a new
day and a new oppurtunity to be
happy and healthy again, then I
will truly be turning the corner
in the healing process.
This whole experience has help me
to see just how much of a spiritual
void there has been in my life.
For now I have accepted that,
The next step is to put my faith
in the fate that my higher power
has in store for me and the is
the key to true ACCEPTANCE.

December 20, 2003
1:10 pm
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Zinnie
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Hey HarryO,

Read my last post on the "I called Romeo's wife" thread. Don't worry the same thing will probably happen to you.

When he and I split up (my very own C/A) I was devastated - the world would never be the same!

Well, actually it wasn't, it was better!

You will get there my friend.

Love,

Zinnie

December 20, 2003
2:23 pm
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vegas
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Thanks, HarryO, for sharing that with all of us. It helped me. I plan on printing it out for frequent re-reads thru out my day...cuz I am having such a hard time trying to make sense of all this hurt and craziness in my life. I cannot accept this and that of what has happened in my life lately, of what my ex did. But, like you wrote: ALL IS HOW IT SHOULD BE. God makes no mistakes.

Got to have faith.
Got to believe that God sees us now and sees us in time to come.
Got to realize that God knows.
Got to have patience and wait for when God says it's time.
Got to surrender everything to God.

December 20, 2003
6:55 pm
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gingerleigh
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When I went through *the* breakup (I think we all have one in our lives that stands out as being more painful than any other), I remember that I used to have dreams at night that we were still together and everything was OK, as it should be. And then I would wake up and everything was all wrong and I would just cry and cry.

One early morning, about 4am when I had woken up again from another one of these dreams, just feeling completely despairing, I suddenly had a vision of these huge warm hands, hands so big that I could sleep curled up in one of the palms, enveloping me and covering me up like a little baby kitten. And my crying stopped, and my breathing evened out, and I knew that I wasn't alone. I needed that then. There are still times in my life when I feel alone, completely forsaken, but when the going gets really really rough I know that if I take a moment out and try to feel the warmth around me, those hands are still there, just waiting for me to notice them.

Peace, HarryO.

December 21, 2003
12:18 pm
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HARRYO
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You know its funny I was talking
to some people about angels and
they said that they believed in
them.
Thanks to everyone in my
"cyber support group". I think
in the end I am going to be better
off surrendering to my higher
power and filling this spiritual
void that I have denied for so
long, and I have identified as
the major source of my pain.

December 21, 2003
12:48 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Ginger and all,

Yes, I think we all have that one *big* break up. The one that hurts more than anything else.

I remember after my C/A and I broke up, it was hard, and hurtful. I was thinking of suicide. Can you believe that? Yes, I really was. I fell asleep with that on my mind. That night I had a dream that I remember so vividly - to this day, almost 20 years later. In this dream, I'm talking to someone and some where along in this conversation I realize that I'm talking to God. Here is the funny part, I remember this dream so clearly, it was in color, and this entity that I was talking to was this overwhelming feeling of love and peace, yet I could not see "him."

Anyway, in my dream I asked him "will I ever really find an honest love?" The reply was yes, not only one time, but two times. For so many years I thought that meant the person who had broken my heart, and then I would meet some one else later. Little did I know that I would meet a man in less than a year that I would marry. He would leave me far too soon, but he would be the person to honestly give me love. Then, I would meet another wonderful man, who I believe I will be with for the rest of my life.

When I woke up from that dream, it just seemed like the pain was so far lessened. I was able to move on, and never gave another thought to suicide. What makes it so odd, is that this break up devastated me. Yet, I felt that after that I could go on through anything.

You will get there Harry... promise.

Love,

Zinnie

December 23, 2003
8:14 am
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blondee
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Hi HARRYO,
I just read your thread on acceptance and I'm thinking if only i could live that way. Do you think god put the "other guy" in my path for a reason? I always thought that giving 100% of myself to my family was the right thing but now i'm seeing that maybe my way wasn't the right way. Now that the kids are pretty much grown i don't know what to do or where to start. I read your "Letting go" thread and after i read it i emailed the "other guy" and told him i am letting go..that i quit...afterwards i felt great but now i'm not so sure. I think he was the knot at the end of my rope. I need to feel desirable and loved and not in silence as is my husbands way. I just don't know how to tell my heart what my head knows. My husband is a good man. Doesn't drink..only when i moved out...doesn't smoke, spend money, go out..i can buy most of what i need..we have 4 good kids...so why do i feel like i have nothing and why do i feel so alone? By the way i haven't shared a bed with him in 3 years. I know that i want the other guy but i am not sure if it's the chase or what. Can you relate to that? You seem to be a very smart man...how about some help here. What steps did you or are you taking to ease the pain of your lost love?

December 23, 2003
11:03 am
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HARRYO
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Hi Blondie, I feel very spiritually
connected to you. I went through
teh same trials and tribulations as
you in my breakup with my ex wife.
I didn't sleep with her for the
last two years of our marriage.
If you haven't been with yours
for three years I'd say it has
to be pretty much over.
Look, your feelings for each other
were real for a long time. They
just changed. This is a common
thing to happen.

December 23, 2003
11:16 am
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HARRYO
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I understand your feelings of
unhappiness because of his unwillingness to change, Hopefully
you can grasp that only YOU can
chang and ONLY you can make yourself
happy.
As you reach out to God to help
you find a new relationship be
forewarned that all will not be
perfect.
To me my "lost love" was everything.
A source of euphoria. My therapist
told me that it was like I went
into a casino and put everything
on red and lost. That is one
way that I am dealing with my
pain right now. It's the learning
process, and the realization that
with time I will heal.
Be cogniznant of the highs. Because
when my relationship ended I created
for myself an aura of heartache
and pain(her words). That was the
lows.
A while ago I posted a thread
on toxic love vs real love
from the Dance of the Wounded
Souls by Rober Burney
Codependent Relationships Dynamics part 2 -
Dysfunctional Definition of Love
"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to
make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims"
One of the biggest problems with relationships in this society
is that the context we approach them from is too small. We
were taught that getting the relationship is the goal.
It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince
and the Princess live happily-ever-after. It continues in movies
and books where "boy meets girl" "boy loses girl" "boy gets
girl back" - the music swells and the happy couple ride off into
the sunset. The songs that say "I can't smile without you" "I
can't live without you" "You are my everything" describe the
type of love we learned about growing up - toxic love - an
addiction with the other person as our drug of choice, as our
Higher Power.
Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher
Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are
trying to accomplish. We will end up feeling victimized by the
other person or by our self - and even when we feel victimized
by the other person we blame our self for the choices we
made. We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic
Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in
childhood and the messages we got from our society growing
up.
There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever
after. We are not incomplete until we find our soul mate. We
are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship.
True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage
or being a hostage. It is not all-consuming, isolating, or
constricting. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a
relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation
and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and
power struggles. The type of love we learned about growing
up is an addiction, a form of toxic love.
Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love
(compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie &
Terence Gorski.)
1. Love - Development of self first priority.
Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.
2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to
grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity
of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear,
insecurity, loneliness)
3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain
other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life;
neglect old friends, interests.
4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding;
secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear
of other changing.
5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to
behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of
competition; protects "supply."
6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at
leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive
or aggressive manipulation.
7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.
8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and
avoidance of the unpleasant.
9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state
not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and
rescue the other.
10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about
partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's
problems and feelings.)
11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring &
friendship.
Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear
& need for immediate gratification.
12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.
13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.
Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in
any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then
something is not working.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is
natural and healthy. There is nothing wrong with wanting a
relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever
is what is dysfunctional. Expectations set us up to be a victim
- and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.
If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as
opportunities for growth then we can start having more
functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a
failure or a punishment - it is a lesson.
As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one
that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe
that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are
really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using
another person as our drug of choice. That is not True Love -
nor is it Loving.

December 23, 2003
5:14 pm
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blondee
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WOW HARRYO you said a lot there. I can identify with pretty much of it. I have to think. Right now i am hurting. It's all my own fault...the stuff about the other guy. He forewarned me not to get attached and he really doesn't deserve a woman like me. Now i just have to stick to the letting go part and that will be the beginning of the end for me as far as he's concerned. As far as my husband goes i still am not sure what i want. I moved out of the house so that i could have time to find myself but they just wouldn't let me and i was too weak to say no. I am going to start by trying to develop some kind of a social like and maybe just that time alone with other people will help me get a better perspective on what i have. maybe the grass isn't greener on the otherside and i just think it is. Confusion sucks bigtime. Thank you for listening to me. It feels so good to have a friend who understands

December 24, 2003
7:25 am
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HARRYO
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Blondee, Hope you are feeling better
this Xmas Eve. You have loved a lot
and you have many blessings to
be thankful for. Pray to your higher
power, he/she has a good plan for you.
Codependent recovery is a lifetime
process. I thought that I had it
beat in 1992. Now ten years later
I lost my marriage, my home and
the love of my life. Maybe if
I would have done the work that I'm doing now things would have been
different. Who knows?
Christmas is a time of reflection
on things like redemption and
forgiveness. Also second,third,
fourth, and fifth chances.
The key is spirituality and
emotional honesty. Owning your
shit and not blaming others is
a good first step. Accepting things
for what they are and not what they
should be is the road map.
Living life day to day in the
moment is the vehicle. Being
true to yourself and putting
your fate in your higher power
are the navigational elements.
Know that it will take time to
get there. To me, that is the
itinerary for the successful
journey to happiness.

December 25, 2003
2:31 pm
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blondee
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Merry Christmas HarryO. Hope you are doing okay today. I'd like to thank you for giving me some things to think about. I need to do alot of work on myself and you seem to be a good role model. I realized last night at our Christmas Eve supper that my marriage is over and this will be the last christmas we spend all together. I felt kind of sad and a bit angry at my husband for not being the man i needed him to be. We didn't even say merry christmas to each other. My kids opened their gifts and were happy and that made me happy also. But me, i don't need gifts or money i need the things that are free. Do you remember the other day i told you that i read your "Letting Go" and i emailed my friend telling him that i am letting him go? And i also said why doesn't he tell me off or something already. I got a reply and he said he has no reason to tell me off and he wished me a safe happy christmas. He has me sooo damn confused. So where do i go now? Anyway, I hope god grants you peace of mind because to me that's everything.
P.S. Maybe you want to take me snowtubing instead of the couch potato??? I've never been snowtubing cuz i'm always freezing 🙂

December 25, 2003
4:07 pm
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HARRYO
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Blondee, Merry Christmas. I'm
writing this on my new computer that
my children gave to me. I got a little
choked up when I read the card that
said "we love you and we'll always hbe there for you." I'm not in a
relationship and I am hurting because
i didn't spend Christmas with the
"love of my life", but do you
know what. I"M NOT ALONE! neither are
you. remember my thread abot "toxic
love?' To think that you are
not whole without another is that
dysfunctional trap that is so
tempting to fall into. Remember
what it said about it being healthy
to want a relationship to last
forever, but to expect it to is not.
This is probably a really rough day
for you. I know I'm feeling a
lot of the pain and the emptiness
taht youa re feeling. I don't
know, you know i never thought
much about angels in my whole
life, but lately I am thinking a lot
about them. I always wanted to do
it my way by myself, but now I
realize that I can't do it alone.
I'm talking about the spiritual aspect
of life now. I truly believe that
something more powerful than
anything that I can imagine is watching over me (and you). That is
part of the letting go process.
Surrendering to your higher power
and being honest with yourself and
others and KNOWING that the master
plan for you is a good one.

December 25, 2003
5:21 pm
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blondee
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HarryO i didn't know you had children. Yes, you are right...we are not alone. I feel very sad that my marriage is pretty much over but in a way a little excited about what the future may have in store for me. That was an awesome Christmas gift. When i left this summer i called my daughter who was on vacation in south carolina and asked her if she loved me and she said yes...and i said no matter where i am..and she said yes. For me it's just that i've done things and carried on traditions for 25 years and they will be hard to break. You know i've been mad at god for a long time but my older son told me today to trust in god..put him first and the rest will follow. I'm missing him today..he's in Michigan with in-laws and i haven't seen him for a year. Him and i grew up together. HarryO i do believe in angels...sometime i will tell you a story about me and god..i saw him..truthfully..right before i delivered my twins...i was suppose to die according to my doctor but as u see i didn't..i'm not nuts, on drugs or a drinker so that should help validate my story. Be happy harry...life's too short

Blondee

oh by the way..i am in that dysfuctional trap but working on getting out :-)...seems you are on your way already. You are a very smart man and soooo good with words

December 25, 2003
5:56 pm
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HARRYO
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Blondee,Awesome story about the
birth of your twins and seeing
God. I used to joke about that
when i was a substance abuser when
I was in my twenties. How shallow
was that?
I wrote my ex wife a letter this
week (divorced 4 years, estranged
6). I told her taht despite all
the anger the bitterness and the blame
that I got to a much better place by
being married to her. I said
that our unconditioanl love for
our children and providing them
with a loving nurturing atmospehere
was our sacrifice and gift to each
other. She accepted me for who
I was and what I was. I tried to
change her and when I couldn't
we grew apart and separated. I
congratulated her on finding
someone that could give her the happinesst taht I couldn't. I
told her that for the longest time
I saw the divorce settlement as
me losing out. Now know that
there is no winning and losing-just lessons. You learn your lesson you pass the test. I told her how
bad that I hurt from losing my
love this Summer and that if I hurt her HALF as bad as I hurt now.
I don't know if I felt good in doing this but felt safe and right.
The point is it took a long time for me to heal enough to express those
feelings.
Thanks for complimenting me on my
wisdom and word smithery. You are
not so bad yourself. That is one
of the things that I am good
at. That and being skinny--
5'11" 155 pounds. I am very
youthfull as well. Sound like we
are living parallel lives.
Again thanks for sharing your
revalation. I am spending a little
time lately with a female friend
of mine from high school. She is
a midwife. She said that God gave
her a sign, which pulled her into
taht profession. she ells me there
is no greater positive joyfull energy
than to be in a room with a newborn
baby. Very powerfull statement.
then to think that you had TWINS,
an saw God. If that isn't proof
that God ahs a plsn for you. What is?

December 27, 2003
1:31 pm
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blondee
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Harry that sounds like such a wonderful letter to your ex-wife. It sounds like you have forgiven her and yourself...i guess you work on healing one thing at a time. Yes, it does sound like we are living paralell lives so you are the man to give me the pointers. I'm glad that you are spending time with a friend from school and you are not lonely. I agree with your friend that there is such a positive joy seeing a new babe born or even just holding one. I wish you peace Harry...stick around okay because i will be needing you...oh by the way, someone told me that god has given me a gift by giving me the opportunity to see him but i don't know what it is..think maybe the gift was my twins?

December 27, 2003
1:49 pm
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ones elf
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ones elf
dec 27

Reading whats been written is helpful to be aware of at this time. Acceptance of self as one goes bob bobing along then head nose dives into sulking behavior self destructive. Thats kinda what im doing then i feel bad who want me any way, breack free and be on your own life will be much better.......I don't even know if I am deluding myself. I think i am learning self acceptance very very slowly.

December 27, 2003
10:45 pm
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Jessica Lee
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I just surfed onto this site and came across your profile on angels. I believe in angels.

One time I left the water running outdoors for over an hour. It was if my deceased mother was whispering in my ear, turn off the water. Otherwise it would have run for hours.

Let's face it, does it hurt to believe in angels? No. For me, it is just a little way to make life simpler and less lonely.

Keep believing.

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