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Abusive Mother
May 26, 2005
10:11 am
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Lynna
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I am in my early twenties and I live with my Mother and younger sister. The relationship between my mom and I has always been very complicated and confusing. I just wanted to know if anyone else out there is an adult who is dealing with abuse from their mother?

I don't know too much about co dependancy but I think that it might be a factor. I feel like a servant in my own home. She is very controlling and has been physically and mentally abusive.

I stay because I have exhausted most of my limited finances in helping her pay for a divorce, and I also stay for my 10 yr old sister who would be getting abused if I wasn't here. I try to keep the peace but..

Lately I'm getting really worn down and very confused about my life. There is more, much more but I'm not too sure how much detail I'm comfortable discussing...

Your thoughts are welcome.
-Lynna

May 26, 2005
10:19 am
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CAMER
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hi Lynna, have you tried talking with your mom on this issue?? or is she
a control freak about things and won't listen???

the hardest thing about living with a parent, is you do live under "their" room, and have to listen to thier rules...etc.

I would try communicating, if that helps, with your mom and let her know about the feelings you are going thru.

Camer

May 26, 2005
10:21 am
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Lynna
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Mom will not listen. She uses me as her confidant but when I go to talk to her about something she doesn't want to hear it.

I've tried bringing up the way I feel, and mentioning the abuse a time or two but it's always turned out badly.

May 26, 2005
10:37 am
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CAMER
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hi Lynna, wow that sucks, she doesn't want to listen...... is there anyone else you know, maybe her sister or close friend that could talk over this problem with her without her getting so defensive and being in denial???

May 26, 2005
10:41 am
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exoticflower
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Lynne, my childhood involved constant terrible emotional abuse from my stepmother, though she is not in my life at all anymore. As an adult, I am begining to break down the way I suffered as a child, recognize the connection to what I went through then and how I deal with pain, love, fear, etc. now. I cannot offer any advice for your situation, I moved out when I was very young myself and never looked back to her. I do want to extend my condolences though. I understand how much it hurts to want something so different from your mother, to hurt from your childhood. I am sorry you feel that pain still, and that it is in your life still. There are a lot of great people here with tons of advice, including advice on how to find outside resources to help you heal.

Also, taking complete responsability for protecting a young child from abuse while helping pay for the abusers divorce and suffering fincancially yourself? That is lot to take on for one person. I would say that you are not responsible for helping her pay for her divorce, that you can set her down and tell her that social services will come and take her daughter if there is any abuse becasue you yourself will call them, and that you plan on letting other people know that it is a situation that needs to have an eye kept out, and that you are sorry to have to do it but can not take it on alone anymore and hope she will seek help, and then pick up another job or take out a student loan if you go to school and find a nice tennant situation, like a boarding room or something. Of course, I do not know your situation, that is just the way I would do things.

I hope you receive a lot of advice here, I'm sure mine is easy to give since I am not in the situation. Again, I am sorry for your pain right now.

May 26, 2005
12:00 pm
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codep
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great words from exotic, I cut the ties with my mom at a very young age for the same reason, I also had siblings however they were to far gone to try and help out of the situation also were older then me. I would definitely find someone to talk to about this it is something that is affecting you deeply. hard situation, I'm sure you are hesitant about the social services issue, but sometimes tough love is the best love. Goodluck keep posting, the answers will come

May 26, 2005
12:16 pm
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jamaicanwife
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We try to help others, but if we hurt ourselves in the process, then learn from it and do everything in your power to move on.

Do you have any idea what your options are? I know how hard it is when you are stuck in a bad situation to see any way out, but look at all the possibilities, even those you don't want to consider. You keep telling yourself that things are not bad enough to make drastic action or drastic change necessary, and you will never do anything.

May 26, 2005
2:22 pm
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kathygy
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I would set firm boundaries on my mother. I would tell her what is acceptable and what is not. You should not be involved in paying for her divorcee. I agree, I would tell her if she abuses your younger sister you will call social services. Take a stand for yourself and your sister. People treat you the way you let them. Don't let her mis-treat you.

June 2, 2005
4:58 am
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mushtush
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This thread hits very close to home for me. My Mother has a severe mental illness, I suspect My Father does also, and I did do everything I could to protect my siblings, I spent most of my life putting that in front of many things in life most of all taking care and protecting myself.
If I could do things over I would have got out and became the best person (healthy,educated,self reliant)I could have to be the example my siblings needed. Now I see in protecting them and enduring I showed them how to be doormats.

June 2, 2005
5:44 am
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revelation
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Hello Lynna,

I did EXACTLY what you did. I stayed because of my younger sister and my Dad. It hurts and it caused me long-term damage. My mother was controlling and abusive a narcissist who exhausted me, sapped every ounce of confidence and self-esteem, she did physically abuse me on occasion, but its the verbal and emotional abuse that caused the most damage. I'm not going into detail...its too hurtful, it makes me cry.
I left home at 19, I went to live with an older sister first and then got my own place at about 22, its ahrd its tough it still is, but its better than being there. Now my younger sister lives with me, she went through the same process, when she first came here she was extremely messed up, like me she had learned from mum that the only way to get what you want is to control and bully...it took some time before I figured that this was wrong and that I was only really hurting myself. She's learning, she's learning to be good...I've let her carve out her own path, I think she's much happier with me.
I broke all contact with mum but we got back in contact last year. Our relationship is good now...I have forgiven but will never forget. I feel sorry for her, she is growing old and has lost all her female friends and sisters because of her hate. When I was 10 I heard my Aunt (Mam's younger sister) shout at her "You'll end up a miserable lonely old lady" and looks like my Aunts prediction is coming true. My advice to you is be determined, make up your mind how you want to get out of this situation, what you are going to do about your sister and work towards it, it may take time, but at least you won't feel trapped...at least you will have an aim a light at the end of the tunnel.

good luck,
rev.

June 2, 2005
7:07 am
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Rasputin
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Hey Lynna,

You are not alone! I've had quite a difficult mom. It was a very draining exhausting experience that sapped me from my self-esteem and self-confidence just like the other posters mentioned prior to me.

Unfortunately, I had to stay with my parents for a long period, till I was able to move out. What I did in my case is that I went through a healing process. I did not attend any meetings, or contacted any counselor. All I did in my healing is that I came across a book entitled "Finding peace for your heart" by Stormie Omartian. The writer is a woman who - like you and me - had a mom who was worse than ours, mentally-ill who was abusing her. All I did is that I followed the guidelines of this book, and a healing process started in my life! I forgave my mom and all the other people who abused me! I was able to re-discover my sense of humor which I lost due to depression and stress as a result of living so many years in toxic unhealthy ambiance. Unfortunatley in my case we did not have someone honest enough or courageous to confront my mom with her character. Most of our relatives, including her sisters were naive or timid. As for my parents' friends, they were mostly naive or hypocrite. That intself intensified the pain and agony and gave my mom saftey and confidence that she was an ideal mom.
Sadly enough, we all suffered: my dad lost his sense of humor, there were aggressiveness between my siblings....

Thanks to this healing process, I forgave my mom and the rest of my siblings and all the other people who abused me. It was the greatest achievement of my life!!!

I did not seek any help from social workers, though I would encourage you to take advantage and seek their help at least just to vent as well.

God bless!

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

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