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abusive ex wants to get back together, help
September 3, 2001
11:22 pm
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Elboogie
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Well, my ex boyfriend, whom I have just begun to get over, wants to get back together. Yes, it would be rediculous to get back together with him but that doesn't make it any easier. I have just moved to a city where I don't know anyone and he calls me once a week and we chat. I really can't help but want what we had before it got bad. In my mind I know that it would just be terrible, but I don't know what to do. He's in my life. What should I do. I luckily don't live in the same city as him but I am going to his city in two weeks and he wants to get together. I think about him alot now and I am even having dreams about him. It is really stressing me out and I don't know what to do. It has taken me a year to start to get over him and now he is back in my life. Does anyone have some advice?

September 4, 2001
1:29 am
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gypsygirl
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September 24, 2010
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cut off all contact with him, how are you supposted to move on with your life if you keep looking back?you know that he is bad for you you said it yourself. it might sting a little when you cut him of( like riping off a band-aid) but it is something you need to do. You cant leave that old nasty band-aid on forever can you? get out and meet some new people.

September 4, 2001
8:40 am
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Cici
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I completely agree with gypsygirl...cut off all contact. Right now is too soon to trust yourself around him.

September 4, 2001
9:27 am
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malaikau
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Dear Elboogie,

It is so hard to be in a new place full of strangers that it is only natural for you to lean toward people in your past who are familiar. It sounds to me like you are working very hard to build a new life for yourself by making some important changes. Maybe part of doing this hard work is realizing how important you are, and that you deserve to have a life full of people who value, love, respect, and appreciate you. I hope you will find yourself in a place where you are unwilling to sacrifice your dignity for feelings of familiarity. You deserve so much more...

Respectfully,
Mal

September 4, 2001
12:37 pm
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Molly
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Been there and done that. I really know the struggle that you are currently experiencing. I however had 10 years of marriage and for some reason thought that was signifigant.
I was well on my way to making it on my own, it wasn't easy, but new town, new friends, didn't know a soul when I got there. Then he started up, phone calls, e-mails, surprise visits yada yada yada. he had made great strides to demonstrate the new him, and pushed all of my buttons, including the fact that I am supposed to believe in recovery. Well, the Disneyland mate, lasted until the first confrontation of our differences, and then the truth came out. After selling what was left that I had, gave up the new job, I was sorta stuck. The ugh oh buttons started to go off, but I kept drawing my boundry lines, and made the most out of my situation.
Things are better than when I left, but the truth is the real problems that we had before still exist, and it has been one comprimise after another.
I suggest looking real hard at what the relationship has to offer you, besides all the drama, what did you really have to cherish. don't forget that your dynamics will return to what was, and you will have to be stronger than you were before to not fall into them. You will bite your tounge so many times, to prevent what you know can be the outcome, and the old wounds get triggered real easy.
I have learned that people don't really change, they just learn to modify some of their behaviors, and then there is the vindictive stuff to worry about. Is it real or is it a chance to get back at you? If your life looks like it is working, why waste all the effort. I was living my dream, and came back to a nightmare, it was a struggle, but I was free, in a beautiful place, that I don't think with my mate I will be able to recreate, there is always a cost for our choices, just what are you willing to pay ????????????????
I don't want you to think I am trapped in hell, its just not easy, nor is it what I had when I was free, I have every thing that I need, but the egg shells between the toes, are uncomfortable often.

September 4, 2001
7:15 pm
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pg lova
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Elboogie,

I don't believe you should go back! He's a looser and doesn't deserve someone like you. If he was a real boyfriend, he wouldn't have done what he did to make you leave. Now, he feels as though he's missing a significant part of his life, and he is. But don't be there for him, why should you? I've learned that people don't change, he's in the "Romeo stage" discussed in my psychology class. In this stage, he hits you with the baby I'm sorry, it'll never happen again, and he does things he feels will prove it to you. But this stage wears off about a week after the other party returns and things begin to slowly return to their previous state. I say leave him alone, and keepputting your own life back together. Keep me posted on what's going on so I can continue to help you.

God Bless,
PG Lova

September 5, 2001
12:10 pm
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Cici
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It's hard to meet new people to form a new support structure, but it's important to reach out and also reach out in appropriate places (ie, don't go hang out at the corner bar every day and make your friends there...).

My best friend just moved to TX to go to grad school and she was so nervous, but she started taking jujitsu classes, posted on message boards for new residents, and even got a great blind date out of that. They didn't have any chemistry, but they had so much fun they are great friends now! Open minds go a long way...

Anyway, reach out to people in your area. Take some classes in yoga or martial arts or painting, distract yourself so that you can increase your confidence through achievement! You can do it!

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