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Abusive environment, how to protect a child?
February 16, 2006
4:00 pm
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Oops. looks like we were posting at the same time. Good to hear from you! Glad to hear you are not feeling so down today. And I hope you will find a really good therapist, soon.

I'm not sure I am a great person to give tips about setting boundaries. What kind of boundaries would you like to set? What kind of issues or behaviours are you needing to limit? What ways have you tried to set boundaries that haven't worked?

Those are just a few questions that come to mind for me to try and get a better picture of your situation. I'll check back tomorrow. I know there are lots of folks on this site with good experience at boundary-setting.

Thanks for your words re my sister. I never would have believed we'd end up friendly, even though I would not say we are close friends.

Well, I better go.

Hugs and carry on, kroika.

February 16, 2006
4:13 pm
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karmapolice
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tks. troika I have to go too, but will defintely come back tomorrow and I{ll think about what you said.

hugs

KP

February 19, 2006
5:24 pm
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karmapolice
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Hi

Couldnt be online before. I am feeling a lot better about my situation and when I said set boundaries, I know now i meant detaching emotionally from this.

I am trying hard to and is working better. I am trying to stop wanting to fix my family and just accept that they wont change because i want them to.

Regarding my niece, I am still planning to do my best for her, spend time togheter, take her to another room till "mommy calms down" whenever she tries to abuse her etc.

Tks so much Troika, hope to hear from you soon

Hugs

KP

February 19, 2006
6:37 pm
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Hi KP,

Great to hear you're feeling stronger and better about things! It's a huge step to accept that you can't fix your family. (And what a relief when you stop trying!!)

It's also a very powerful thing to do, to keep doing good things together with your niece and standing up for her when her mom acts abusively.

Are you still trying to get in touch with a therapist? That could help a lot, if you find a good one. I hope you do.

hugs and best wishes,
kroika

February 22, 2006
5:14 pm
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karmapolice
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Hi Troika and everyone

Yes, is a huge step, I am cooling off about this issue BUt sometimes I still feel panicky whenever somebody raises their voice, specially my family cause most of them are pretty loud.

I realized I just can do the best I can for my niece and stop dreaming about my sis come around and become a wonderfull mom for her.

I am trying to get a therapist appointment but has to be one that works pro bono or something since I can afford to pay for one.

I am working on self-steem and affirmations and planning to do inner child work with a book, two days of affirmations and feelingmuch better. Anyways trying to keep as positive as I can.

Got to go, hope things are good with you.

Hugs

KP

February 23, 2006
3:49 am
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Hi KP,

It sounds like you are doing really well, even despite the times when your loud family members raise their voices. I'm glad to hear that!

Your niece is so lucky to have you, and I know you will never regret making efforts to help her.

I've been really busy today and I'm falling asleep over the keyboard... just wanted to say hi and wish you luck finding a therapist who will work for low or no cost.

hugs and all the best to you,
kroika

February 23, 2006
4:14 am
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das033
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karma, real quick just to let you know, when you do get an appointment with the therapist, they are mandated to make a child abuse report if they feel it is necessary, and this may create more drama with the family, I just want to warn you and let you make that decission to share this with the therapist.

I am not saying that you should or shouldn't I just want you to be prepared of what could happen.
and are you ready for it.
but then again you are in another country so I maybe wrong.

good luck to you!

February 23, 2006
12:33 pm
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karmapolice
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Hi Troika and Dass

Tks for the support and for listening.

I am not sure but my niece seems to be in a better mood with the small changes at home. Could that be possible, she sees more happy and ready to have fun whenever we play, is as if she relates "laughin and fun" with the time she spends with me.

I got a job as a bartender on weekends and got accepted on the national music school , yaaaaaaaaaaayy, so i guess being busy will keep my head off this situation.

I might even be able to move out my folks, BUT I am not sure wheter is the best for my niece, I know it is the best for me tho...

Anyways, I am willing to take this abuse thing to any instance, so I am ok if the therapist needs to report this, but I just dont think that would be a procedure here, ....

Another question: in case and when I do move out, how can i keep checking if the children are treated right? I was thinking to take my niece to a therepist regularly, would the therapist be able to tell or evaluate if things get worst or better ?

Hugs to you

KP

February 23, 2006
1:36 pm
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das033
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yes, a therapist would be able too, but is your sister going to agree and allow her daughter to go see a therapist? cause if her daughter is being abused, your sister maybe afraid that her daughter will tell all to the therapist. (i would think) and would make matters worse if taking her daughter to the therapist behind her back.
just my thoughts.
something to think about. I am thinking about the situation as a whole picture and support you as well. as for moving out, I can see that as a positive thing (some may disagree) my view on it would be a safe place where you can have your niece over to play and talk to, and spend time with someone whom loves and cares about her.

February 23, 2006
1:55 pm
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karmapolice
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das033: I am not sure If I will tell my sister about taking my niece to the therapist, but my mom knows and agrees....

The thing is I was going to use the therapist evaluation of my niece as a prove that she is in fact being or was abused. My family doesnt know about verbal/emotional abuse, they think abuse is only phisical...

Therefore I dont think my sister would disagree that we take the kid to the therapist since she doesnt think she is doing anything wrong.

My sister told a friend about that "I yell to my daughter but the regular amount"

My concern is that my sister will resume and increase the abuse if I am not there to stop her.

KP

February 24, 2006
2:04 am
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das033
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you have a point KP that if they are not aware of the abuse and think it is normal to yell at your kids then , no they will not expect that they are doing anything wrong.

use reverse psycology and say: I am taking my niece to a therapist to see and evaluate why she is acting out the way she is that gets you (her mom) so upset.

just an idea.

good luck to ya!

February 24, 2006
9:19 am
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karmapolice
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Tks das, good idea!

I will certainly take my niece to the therapist asap.

I will let you know of the outcome.

take care

KP

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