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Abusive environment, how to protect a child?
January 31, 2006
6:55 pm
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karmapolice
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I am living with my parents cause I lost my job. Long story short, my family is pretty disfunctional, mom very cold, sarcastic and depriving, father is there but doesnt get involved.

My sister and niece live there too, she is married to an abuser who practically lives in the house as well, but has his own place, and they have a baby togheter who is 9 months old.

My niece is 5 and being raised by my mom before my sister got sobber. The thing is almost everyday I have to witness my sister yelling at her daughter, critizising her harshly and threaten her as a mean of "education".

It really pisses me off and have no support from anyone else, everytime I confront my sister she gets deffensive and attacks me, and says "is true I yell at her but nobody treats her badly", when talking about my niece.

whenever I tried to stop her from yelling and threaten at her daughter, my sister would say I am being paranoid and actign out some kind of my own childhood "trauma".

I am planning to move out when I get a job but dont want to live my niece and the baby with these people, what can I do?, I tried to give her something to read about abuse but she got all defensive.

My sister is in denial about her being abused by her husband as well, I m just out of a 3 years verbal abusive relationship myself, so I am not in great shape.

What can I do when I witness the yelling to my niece, how do I stop it and what can I do to protect them in the long run....

Karmapolice

January 31, 2006
6:58 pm
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StronginHim77
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Pick up the child and take her into another room. You might also report the abusive parent to the local authorities. Verbal/emotional abuse DOES count and sometimes intervention is possible.

January 31, 2006
6:59 pm
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StronginHim77
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One other thought: do you know a local minister or chaplain who would come out and talk to your sister and explain how she is damaging your niece's soul with this verbal and emotional abuse?

January 31, 2006
7:09 pm
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karmapolice
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Tks. strong, yeap, I did that once, took the child to another room, the legar issue is really hard in my country.

The priest is a good idea, but we are not very religious and have no contact with the curch.

What about confronting my sister and try to teach her, The things is I always end up yelling at her and is all a big mess.

It seems to work for some days, she will wacht herself when I am around. But I kept being a police in my home.

I feel that I am trying to control everybody and abusing them myself by tellin them what to do does it makes sense?

karma police

February 1, 2006
10:52 am
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karmapolice
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I am so mad, just found out my sister is back to using cocaine, I had all kind of plants to tell her about emotional abuse 🙁

Myu family doesnt know how to handle this, she has been clean for almost 2 years and now....

My dad said to me last night "you and your brother need to be ready to raise these children"....

Any insights....

Karmapolice

February 9, 2006
7:44 am
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karmapolice
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I am so mad, sad I feel lonely. I´ve been crying this morning. I dont know what to do!

My sister keeps treating her daughter badly. I am keeping a record of every episode.

This week she called har daughter:

"a wicth", "cant stand you anymore", "I am tired of you", she hit her with a belt and left a mark.

This morning the girl didnt want to eat bread, so my sister threathen to "bit you", "from now on you will eat anything we put on the table otherwise I´ll hit you" "I will leave you in the street with the homeless for a day so you´ll see how is to be hungry".

I was sleeping, but hearf the girl crying so I went to see what was going on....my sis was telling her "whats that look in your face?" ( the girls must had been mad or sad, i dont know) so I told her "Well she must be very happy to have such a lovely mom like yourself "....

I was trying to distract my sister, so she would come after me and leave the girl alone....

She came after me like she does when I try to stop her and was like "Keep out of this"...

I told her I will keep intruding as long as she treats the girl like that, my dad was there and didnt say anything, he hates confrontation, cant hold any conversation that is too emotional or serious...

My dad opinion was: "the treatment is not that bad" "we are not in USA"...WTF!!!!! So beacuase in cour country many ppl treats children like sh_t whe should just go along with it.....

I tried to talk to him and my sister but was useless....

The next thing I knew, my sister was telling her daughter "if you dont know what i say and misbehave I would have to leave and you will stay here with your aunt cause she thinks I treat you badly" OMG,. .....

I just cant take this anymore, just want to get out of that place, but I f I do, what will happen to this child, and the baby?

What is ppl so afraid of chanching, why cant they be open, my sister thinks I am just trying to get her cause I hate her husband, wich I do, but I dont care about him.

I am thinking that If I leave and tell them I dont want to be part of this family till you find some help...but again I want to do was best for the child, for now I keep trying to defend my niece whenever posible.....But is hell, I have to be watching all say, I cant live my life....

My sis says "shes doing well at school, so shes fine, shes not affected"....My mom says "the girl is not afraid of her mom, she just cries so the mom would stop bugging her"....

I fell hopeless....

KP

February 9, 2006
7:52 am
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karmapolice
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just got a text from my mom, saying "just to talk to my sis calmly, cause is not good for the child if we argue in front of her"....

What about the treatment she is getting, she doesnt understand I do that to defend the child, I am doing the best I can....

February 9, 2006
7:54 am
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Karmapolice,

I don't know what country you are in, but it sounds like you are doing an amazing job of showing your niece that someone knows and cares that she is not being treated right. I'm sorry that you are having to swim against such a strong current of cruelty and dysfunction... but I am sure that every second you stay there is a gift to your niece.

I wish I had any kind of experience I could share with you, but I don't. I just want you to know that I'm very touched by what you have shared and I feel very strongly that you are doing something very important for your niece in validating her and not leaving her to be emotionally destroyed by the sick adults around her.

February 9, 2006
8:05 am
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karmapolice
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tks so much troika, you brought tears to my eyes....

I am in a small country in south america......

yesterday I had a conversation with my niece, I spend a lot of time with her, since I am not working but having students in my house, so I work at home...

I tried to explain her that adults say things because they are angry but they dont really mean it...she said "yes, like my mom told me I was a wicth, but she doesnt really mean it" "she gets mad sometimes"....

I explained her that noone has the right to yell or hit or call names to anyone and that children are good no matter what they do, and that noone deserves to be treated badly and children deserve the same respect as adults...

i dont know if she is to young to understand, she is about to be 6, I dont know if this will confuse her more or what....

sometimes she confronts her mom "stop yelling", "you are being mean to me"....and the mom goes "I will stop yelling if you behave"..."i am not mean"...

Then my sis expects her daughter to be all happy, WTF....and goes "whats that look on your face"...as if everything is cool...

February 9, 2006
8:39 am
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karmapolice
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I dont know if talking calmly to my sis will help, specially cause I am so mad at her, and my family was never good at communication or expressing feelings....so is kind of hard for me too.

I am so mad at her and the hole family now...no my mom is calling me on the phone. cause my sis must have called her to cry about how I intrude in her life....

February 9, 2006
8:40 am
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karmapolice
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how can I "proove" her she is hurting her daughter?

February 9, 2006
8:48 am
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karmapolice
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I have to go right now, and will come back later...

i would really appreciate any advice on this.

tks to all

KArmapolice

February 9, 2006
1:35 pm
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coconutlime
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Sounds like you are definitely a blessing to your niece. Keep talking to your sister and hopefully the rest of the family will too. You are right where you are needed. Keep sticking up for her. Its hard that the whole situation is on you. Why don't you ask your mom to say something? It might be more effective coming from her.

February 9, 2006
1:51 pm
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dalpuz
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Are you bigger than your sister? If the answer if yes and nobody else can straighten her out..........take her for a long walk to talk and show her how the medicine she's giving her child tastes.

February 9, 2006
1:52 pm
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dalpuz
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i'd hate to see how she treats the family pets

February 9, 2006
2:57 pm
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Anonymous
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are there any authorities you can report her to?

February 9, 2006
5:20 pm
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karmapolice
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I am much bigger than her, but she has a husband who has her brainwhased and he is pretty scary and violent.

My parents kick him out of the house after he threaten my sis. But he comes and go.

I am writing down everything so I will gather some proof...

I was thinking show it to my niece´s theacher or the principal of her school so they can talk to my sis

My sis wont talk to me, now she is giving me the silent treatment and threaten my mom to leave and take the children with her...

February 9, 2006
5:24 pm
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hopeful for change
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I don't know how you can stop her...but I to feel so badly for the little girl.

When I was little I wished I had an aunt or someone who cared enough to help me. I would try to be a life line for her. I would tell her all the things she needs to hear...spend time with her let her know that she is special. Hug her and love her. Try catching her mom at a better time..It just breaks my heart that she can't see how this could hurt someone. Maybe she was treated like this as a child. I think this girl is lucky she has someone who cares that's you.

February 9, 2006
5:31 pm
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karmapolice
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I know is not the best to catch her when she is raging but I must stop her somehow....

I cant just be there watching how she treats the girl....

And she is not much around the house anyways, and when she is, she is mistreating the girl or in her room...

My mom is kind of that way too, she is pretty scary but never as much as my sis. My mom is very LOUD and cold.

My mom would say something over and over....now I know how to stop her...my mom cant be in someone elses shoes either....N traits? maybe...

My sis thinks that when the girls cries is trying to manipulate her to get her way and that her daughter is pretty "stuborn"...When SHE is the one that should be teaching her daughter how to be

February 9, 2006
5:36 pm
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karmapolice
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coconutline: I talked to my mom, but she advice me not to say anything to my sis cause it will make it "worse"..if we argue in front of the child.

I told her I wont stop, I dont argue just tell my sis to stop it. My sis is the one who storms at me ....

But this afternoon my mom agreed to go and see a therapist with the girl for an evaluation and show it to my sis

I am not sure my mom takes is seriously tho..

February 9, 2006
5:37 pm
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karmapolice
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gotta go now, tks you all..i{ll try to get online later or tomorrow..

February 14, 2006
6:09 pm
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karmapolice
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I just dont want to be part of my family anymore, everything they do is so wrong, or am I just mad at all of them.

My sis has not yelled/threath her daughter in the past few days but still is extremelly cold and careless, always has something better to do than have lunch with the child.

this afternoon my niece and I had a tea party for her and a cousin, we made cardboards hearts for the family and she had a lot of fun.

My sis "contriburtion" was " I ordered a cake for the party, please pick it up" and the left with some friends for the hole afternoon...D*mm ..she shows no interest for her daughter wathsoever...

How sad is to see parents who dont love their children...

I just want out of this family it just brings me down to see everything that goes on in the house.

February 14, 2006
7:03 pm
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ohhhh, karmapolice, I'm sending you a big virtual Valentine's Day hug. And a bouquet of virtual roses 🙂

I'm so sorry that being around your family is so painful. I said it before and I'll say it again, every second you stay there is a gift to your niece. I'm glad that you guys had some fun today!

I don't know if this is any help at all... but my sister was mean to me for years and years. I used to lock myself in the bathroom to hide from her when I was a kid. Now, both our parents and our other sister are dead. All that is left is me and the sister I used to hate. We live on opposite sides of the country and finally NOW after all these years (I am 49 and she is 58) we are starting to have a better relationship.

It makes me very sad to think of all those wasted years, but at least something has been salvaged. So who knows how things will go in the future for you. It's good for your niece that you are hanging in there. I hope you have some support from outside your family (I mean in-person friends, not just this board) to help you stay sane.

all the best to you, kroika

February 16, 2006
3:51 pm
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karmapolice
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tks troika

today we spend sometime laughing with my niece and practising some math cause "her mom likes her to study". is just so sad that she thinks about her mom a lot and the mom doesnt.

My sister is planning to leave town for the weekend to attend a carnival party, again she is not including the children in the plans.

I spend all afternoon with my niece and now she went over somefriends to play and I wonder what would happened of this child when I get a job and move out of the house....she will spend all the afternoon alone with the tv and the maid.

I{ve been talking to some mutual friends my sis and I have and they agree with me to some point but they say the child is "ok", again, they dont live with us, they dont know.

I am trying hard to get an appointment with a therapist that could help me.

I am feeling not so down today.

My sis will hardly say anyword to me but when she needs me to take the girl to school in the morning cause she will spend the night in her husbands place or to hold the baby while she is getting ready to get out.

I could really use some tips on how to set some boundaries with her and the rest of the family.

Tks again for your words. Is good that you and your sister are finally working things out.

Hugs to you too

Karmapolic e

February 16, 2006
3:51 pm
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How are you doing, kp? I just droped in to take a quick look on the board. Must get back to writing my paper, but wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

I have a niece and she is a great joy i my life. So as one auntie to another auntie, I send greetings to you and hope you find strength to hang in there with your hurtful family.

Take care... sending good thoughts your way.

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