Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Abused.... what can i do?
September 7, 2005
10:17 pm
Avatar
daphne_flower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have been in a relationship for 3 years. The 1st year was ok, but we used to fight, the 2nd year we got engaged, but i broke things off as he got abusive. We stayed together though. I am an educated women, and was not abused as a child, i lived a happy childhood, yet somehow i got "attached" to this person. When he "approved" of me, life couldn't be better! When he didn't, it was hell. Hi abuse was always emotional, and while i knew what he said wasn't true..... i still listened to it and started believing it. I know my biggest fear is being alone, as i do not have a big group of friends anymore and my family disapproved of our relationship (they could see what he was doing to me), so i became isolated from everyone. I keep going back as i want the "loving" side of the relationship. He always promises he will never do the things again. Then he lies, breaks promises, swears, attacks me, falsly accuses me (and wont listen when i try to defend myself). I don't know what to do!!! Please help me.

September 7, 2005
10:20 pm
Avatar
daphne_flower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I forgot to add.... In spite of being educated, including all about abuse, and the signs of it and what to do etc, i am still trapped in the situation. I love this man (the side that isnt cruel), but the rest is killing me. i have no energy. i used to be strong and he broke me down and reduced me to crying all the time.

September 7, 2005
10:24 pm
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Daphne, welcome to the site. You've taken the first step and admitted to someone besides yourself that you are being abused and that you are not happy. Please don't be discouraged at being overwhelmed, this is so normal for someone in your position.

First off, acknowledge the powerful place where you are right now. You are educated and have a solid family background, even if your relationship with your family is strained right now due to your relationship. You are also not married to this man. I assume there are no children involved?

You've taken the first step in talking. Some in-person counseling can help you out as well, to give you a real face and a person to lean on. Do you currently work? If so, your company may have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that can refer you to services.

You might also want to check out Dr. Irene's verbal abuse site:

http://www.drirene.com/

Keep talking. There is almost always someone on here day and night who can respond, even if it's just to let you know someone is out there and listening.

Hugs to you.

September 7, 2005
10:51 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Here is a website that will help you tremendously. The first step in freeing yourself from an unhealthy, abusive relationship is coming out of denial. For those of us who are co-dependent, this requires ALOT of support, education and encouragement. You can do this. Fight for yourself. Start at this website. And keep posting. We are all here for you.

http://www.bloomington.in.us/~.....lities.htm

September 7, 2005
11:00 pm
Avatar
22haha
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

daphne,
hello. I too am in a similar situation yet recently thanks to people here and a few good books I have learned how to be stronger and focus on myself. Honestly, that is the key. He knows he brings you down, and you let him. When he realizes you have the courage to stand up for yourself thats when he will stop. Not until then. I recenly stood up for myself and it has bright light to his eyes. I feel much stronger when I have my self esteem to back me. You say you have no energy because he is draining you of it - but you are the only one that can make it stop. I know it is hard because you love the good stuff but the bad stuff is what you need to put an end to. Start loving yourself. You aren't trapped, you just feel trapped. If he does love you, he will respect you more when you start demanding more respect.

September 7, 2005
11:13 pm
Avatar
daphne_flower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you so much for your replies. I have looked at this website (actually i am ashamed to say i have looked at so many websites, read books), been to a counsellor nothing seems to work. All it takes is for him to comfort me, and i just crumble. (i don't have children by the way. We have never actually done "anything" together as i wanted to wait until after i get married.

Today was a particularly hard day, as i dont know what i did to warrant him ignoring me. Just because he had a different opinion and i wouldnt agree, and said i was shitty with him because he keeps ignoring my opinions and whatever i say. But he just sent me an email saying he wasn't going to talk to me anymore. He does this sometimes, then comes back later to say "sorry i wont leave u alone again". But it still hurts. When a person is supposed to love you and they do this.

The thing is i have now come not to respect myself. Oneday he came to my house when i was alone, i was scared at how he was behaving, i didnt want to let him in. He kept banging on my window at like 1am, so i opened it to talk, but said i wouldn't let him in. He told me he would break the window and he was saying other cruel things, i just started crying, then he slammed the window in my face. I just sat on the floor crying. I couldn't shut the window as he kept grabbing it. Then he started throw leaves and stuff on me through the window, all while i am crying. He has never physically hit me, but he has grabbed my arm a few times, and raised his hand to slap me.

Worst of all i started a terrible habit of yelling when we fight. And others heard this. They all thought i was just crazy because i was yelling, he appears 'mr nice guy" in public and saves everything to private.

I feel like my head is going to explode!

How do i be strong?

September 7, 2005
11:17 pm
Avatar
daphne_flower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sometimes it is best that i do not stand up for myself. The more i stand up for myself, the worse he gets. I can't explain. The more i say "i wont accept what you are doing", the more he does it. It is like he knows what hurts me, and he does it deliberately. I trusted him, and he has used this trust against me. I know everyone says "stand up for yourself", but the more i do, the worse the insults, issolation and cruelty get. Its like he gets strength from it and becomes merciless.

September 7, 2005
11:37 pm
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You need some outside help, girl. Would your family let you live with them for a little while so that you can figure this out? This man is truly toxic to you and your well-being!!!

September 7, 2005
11:40 pm
Avatar
22haha
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

daphne - o.k my exbf/bf to a tee. He manipulates and abuses you beacuse you are LETTING him. Why is his occasional good times so good for you? You have to have that point wher you just get mad and walk out. Thats what I did. Get mad, walk out, and continue to think (like this) of all the hurtful things he has said and done. Who is this jerk to treat you with such disrespect. You are a human being with feeling who deserves a hell of a lot better. You have to decide for yourself that the few good times that you think make you feel good are not enough anymore. Honestly, if you are worried about him then maybe go somewhere that he can't find you. My bf was very abusive also and it is just his insecurity coming out. Then when I got the strenght to decide that I loved him but wasn't goingto love the rest of my life with this shit I got in my car and drove off. Didn't speak to him for a few days andd then he came to me and asked to get him some help. I told him to get himself some help. We have done enough damage to each other and it is time for us to heal ourselves. You are enabling him to continue this poor behavior. Get hold of your fear and control your life!!! Please keep posting I am always here. Good luck.

September 7, 2005
11:42 pm
Avatar
daphne_flower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I do live with my family. I'm 23, and about to move out from home in a couple of months. I have just become so frustrated. I have tried everything. My family think i stopped seeing him. I hate going behind their backs. But i just wanted them not to think of me as stupid. Plus they were sick of all our fights. They just kept saying leave him, but i couldnt.

September 7, 2005
11:48 pm
Avatar
daphne_flower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The worst thing, is i have started re-living the memories of some times he got pretty harsh and cruel. Last night i couldnt stop crying, and today at work was the same. I have always been a pretty together person. I do not want him to interfere with the rest of my life. I have made so many sacrfices and put up with so much, yet he still treats me like i am not good enough.

September 7, 2005
11:49 pm
Avatar
22haha
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, you can leave him you are just afraid to. Are you afraid of being alone, or afraid that you love him and you won't find anyone better or afraid of him being violent? Your family loves you that is why they tell you to leave him. From the outside looking in it is easy for them to see him is wrong for you. In fact, you know he is wrong for you too but they just tell it to you and you probably don't like that. You are only 23 - you have way too much life left to be staying with this abusive guy. Honestly, do yourself the favor, it will be the hardest thing to do but take one week to yourself - don't call him and stay away from him. See how you feel. Read a self help book and see if just maybe you realize you can be strong. I know you can!

September 7, 2005
11:50 pm
Avatar
daphne_flower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Both, i am afraid of being alone, but most of all i am afraid i wont find someone better. I am afraid i will find someone worse!!!

September 7, 2005
11:56 pm
Avatar
22haha
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Worse? Impossible. First of all.... The number one rule is... you can't love someone else until you love yourself first. I can tell just be reading what you are saying that you don't love yourself because you are allowing him to abuse you. You can not love him, until you love you. Same goes for him... He clearly needs to get his abuse issues under control. There is no way you can help him, change him or control him, and you need to stop trying. The only way to possibly make him see his problems is by leaving. Then and only then will he realize what he has/had and decide whether he is able to change his ways.

September 8, 2005
1:26 am
Avatar
sdesigns
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Daphne: There is a thread called "How You Become Prey to a Charmer/Abuser Personality". You can look it up on the thread search. It was one of the most helpful and eye opening threads I have read at this site. It is long but very good. I printed out and carried it around with me for a very long time. Maybe it will help you as well. Good luck, SD

September 8, 2005
2:23 am
Avatar
daphne_flower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks 22haha. I think you are right, i don't love myself nor respect myself. I am constantly trying to make him happy, and have done alot of things against my value and i truely regret, just trying to make him happy.

Thanks sdesigns. I read the article:

How You Become Prey to a Charmer/Abuser Personality

I can't believe how word for word this describes him. EVERYONE knows him as a charmer, but they think he is totally in love with me. Little do they know what goes on when he gets me alone to attack me for whatever thing it was that i did wrong this time. One day when his mum asked me why i wanted to break things off, i told her i couldnt handle things. He just sat there and didnt care, and i was so frustrated i said i can't handle what he says and does. When i told her that her son threated to put naked pictures of me on the internet (he has never seen me naked, but i thought he may have spied on me and put cameras in my room or bathroom.... she just goes "come lets put some perfume on". She basically said nothing to him. I hate it. I keep everything to myself as i dont like to spread around our private fights and business, but its so hard dealing with things alone, especially when people go around treating me like i am the bad one, and he is the "perfect gentleman".

I have spent 1/2 the day and night crying as he has cut off talking to me for no understandable reason. When i tell him how upset i was he sends me a 1 lined email saying "sorry you can't get over the past".

He promised he would not cut me off this way, and hadn't done so for a few months, but now he has again. When i trusted a person and they betray my trust it just hurts.

That article described exactly how he is. Although he has accused me of lying and all sorts of other stuff, i am always honest with him. That is why i cant understand why a person lies.

I am starting to believe maybe i am to blame for his outbursts. Even though i know i am not, it is like i am being brainwashed. I never thought this could happen to me. Its like i have gone crazy as i am split minds. Like i know things are not my fault, then 1/2 of me blames me. "if only i stayed quite, if only i was prettier, if only i was more willing to do things he wants, if only if only. I know if not to blame, but why do i think so then. I guess if u here something long enough, you believe it.

What hurt today is for the 1st time he told me he does not want me. I said to him lastnight that i do not want to be with him when he treats me like this.... and he says "well i certainly don't want to be with you". Why did he do this to me then. I feel so used.

September 8, 2005
12:16 pm
Avatar
sdesigns
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Daphne: You were right when you said you have brainwashed. He has isolated you so that your life completely revolves around him and he took complete control of you. I hope you can see that is wrong in what he sys about you. Is there anyone you can go talk to? I think that if you can get outside of the world he has put you in you will see that what he says is untrue. He has damaged your self esteeem, chipped it away til there is no more. He has been mean, cruel and demeaning. You have so much value outside of this relationship. My ex bf did similar things to me, even told me he was just using me. He didn't care about me at all, just manipulated me to get what he wanted to soothe his own misery. I was left feeling useless and w/ not an ounce of self esteem. I still hurt badly from what he did to me but I know that he was acting out due to his own unhappiness, and took it out on me. He continues to do this to every woman he sees. I feel sorry for anyone who meets him as he is a destructive person.

No matter what, you are not to blame for his behavior. He is a very unhappy person and he has to live in his own skin. This has nothing to do w/ you. Please try to stay away from him as all he will do is try to bring you down to build his own self esteem. You deserve so much more than what he has to offer you. Take care, SD

September 8, 2005
7:51 pm
Avatar
daphne_flower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Last night i woke at 5am. I could not go back to sleep. It had been basically 24 hours since he had been ignoring me. I had a feeling he was doing it just so i would run after him. I spent the night crying. This is getting way out of hand. I have never been like this before. I have lost faith in this life. I would never ever kill myself, but i have began to feel so drained as there seems like no point to anything that i do. I have always tried to be a nice and honest person, the saying seems true "nice girls finish last". I find myself just longing for him to comfort me. I almost feel like i would do anything, just to get that comforting feeling. i know it is not proper care, but atleast it releives me for a while.

Oh man, it has JUST only occured to me. This VERY moment. I can't believe it. I am addicted. Either to him, or love, or this comfort feeling. I am addicted. I will do anything to get that "quick fix", in the long run i am better off without my "drug", but is like i am addicted. How can i only just be seeing this.

There are 2 sides to this story. How can i tell if i shud stay though. His love, when he is good to me seems genuine, but then he is cruel other times.

Then there is this "addiction side" or whatever it is called. Is co-depency addiction, or am i just plain addicted to a person. How can this happen? Its obvious im not addicted to his cruelty, but it is the side that i feel better when he comforts me.

September 8, 2005
8:23 pm
Avatar
HOLLY BERRY
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

HEY BABE - this was me 21 years ago....has anyone ever told you that what is making him continue his abuse is that HE HAS HIS OWN FUCKING INSECURITIES!!! (?) He is preying on you to try to make himself feel better about himself. He's the one who needs help....you just need to get away!

I agree with HAHA....don't call...don't answer the phone...go to a place where he can't find you, but shed your life of this person who will never love you until he loves himself. Did his mother perhaps die when he was young?????

WHO LOVES YOU???

Answer...LOTS OF PEOPLE, but he is not one of them....HE IS SICK...AND HE SUCKS!!!!!!!..not you....break away baby.....get out of it....you will feel pain by his absence, but in a few weeks you will feel SO LIBERATED.....Celebrate Life....CELEBRATE YOU - YOU ARE ABOVE THIS - I LOVE YOU AND PRAY YOU WILL GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

HB

September 8, 2005
8:54 pm
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yep, just as with an addiction to a drug, sometimes the only way to get off it is to go cold turkey. Now for people who are really addicted to hard core drugs, they need to be under observation for this, so take that in mind... ask for support from your family, your friends, us here. You aren't alone, although it might feel that way. And eventually once you've had a chance to be alone and heal, you will start to attract people who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and you'll walk away from the ones who, well, suck.

September 8, 2005
8:55 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

daphne_flower,

First of all, you aren't addicted. Of course you like him when he is being nice--everyone likes being treated well.

But the alternation of cruelty and "nice" behavior warps your mind--its traumatic bonding, for one thing.

It is like the old psychology experiment with rats--you can get a rat to learn to press a lever to get a treat. Then you can train the rat that it must press the lever twice, three times, ten times, twenty times before it gets a treat.

Then you start letting the rat have a treat only after it presses the lever a random number of times. Before you know it you have a hungry rat that spends all day banging on the lever to try to get a treat.

You are like the rat in this case and your BFs "nice" behavior is the treat. You know that being good to him doesn't always get you treated well in return but you have been conditioned to hang in there and wait for your "reward."

You need to get serious about what this is doing to your mental health.

It is very hard to cure an abuser--they like the way they are just fine. It is possible to heal from being victimized though. But as long as you are in that realtionship, it will be tough going.

Trust me, normal guys will treat you much better.

September 10, 2005
8:43 pm
Avatar
classof77
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Daphne,
I can't tell you what to do, I think you already know.
I can tell you what will happen because I spent 15 years there. But you are ahead of me. I knew nothing about verbal abuse, codependency, personality disorders, or any of that until I was searching for a way to cope with what had happened. He will not change. But he will keep changing you. The harder you try, the more you give, the more addicted you become. I always felt if I could just make him understand how I felt, the good side of him would stay. If I could prove myself to him long enough. You are addicted to his "love" and approval because you are kind, normal person that he has set up to behave that way. The bad things between you are your fault and if you maybe try just a little harder you will get that approval you need from him. But the rules will keep changing and what fixed the problem yesterday is the wrong answer tomorrow. I don't know it the clinical sites or professionals agree with me but in the case of my x the power and control in the hurt were his "fix" as you call it. You say you have started yelling when you fight. Did that too, in the end I don't even remember how I got from defending myself to trying to hurt him as much as he hurt me.
You say he hasn't hit and if he is like my x he never will. By the way that was one of the ways he convinced himself he was okay. Said all those things because it kept him from hitting me. But there were so many times when I wished he would hit me because it would have easier to take.
I don't write here very often but I wanted to tell about what I feel probably will be the rest of your story because you just rewrote first years of my story of my marriage. Maybe to tell you, you are not alone, it happens to others. To tell you don't devote yourself to something that is not normal because the longer you try to understand and cope with it the more "normal" it becomes. What I wish I could tell is that is easy to leave and it will be so much better. It is better but it is not easy. It may just be the hardest thing you will ever do. I know it was for me. But it is better. There is so much written about relationships but I believe it can be summed up in a very simple rule we learned as children. Treat others as you wish to be treated, abusers don't ever get that. There are so many good people in this world who do that naturally because they see the world the same way you do. Love yourself first. You deserve so much better.

September 10, 2005
10:57 pm
Avatar
thewall
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Daphnee,

Girl, please please please don't move out of the house as long as you are still seeing him. And whatever you do, please tell your parents that you are still seeing him. Please? For your own safety.

He hasn't hit you yet but he will..I can promise you that. He's just one step away from that, based on what you have written here. And my guess is that he is waiting until you leave home before he does it. Waits until you get away from your family, away from anyone who might be a support system for you, isolates you from friends, maybe even gets you fired from your job so you have to financially depend on him. Then he's got ya where he wants you.

Ever hear of Lacy Peterson? Scott treated her this same way..and she also hid that from her family and friends because he made her feel like it was all her fault too, like your boyfriend is doing. Now look at where Lacy is. Gone, dead.......and fortunately Scott was convicted. But the trial could've easily gone the other way and he could be another OJ walking free.

Please Daphnee, protect yourself. Don't become another statistic. Tell someone what he's doing to you, live at home a little longer, until you get rid of this guy forever. It isn't your fault. No one deserves this treatment, this mental abuse.

And please please please find a counselor who you connect with. Counseling doesn't "work" until you make it work, until you put into practice what they are teaching you. YOU have to do the work. The counselor is the moral support and teacher, and you are the student, learning about human behaviors--your and his, and why you are putting up with this animal, much like a school teacher teaching her student. Put what you learn into action bc girl, you don't deserve this guy. No one does.

Keep us all posted as to how u are doing. I am so scared for you. I hope you keep yourself safe.

thewall

September 11, 2005
5:04 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Daphne...sojnds like this guy might have Borderline Personality Disorder. Please check it out. He seems to fit the classic pattern. This is a rather hopeless mental disorder which requires years of willing treatment for any improvement to be made. He will torment you, till you have a breakdown, if you don't get support and therapy for yourself. OK? So, read up on BPD and get some help.

September 11, 2005
5:26 am
Avatar
Neshema
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

daphne-

I totally agree with Holly Berry. He is manipulating you, because he has no self esteem. Show him you have enough self respect for the both of you. DO NOT GIVE IN. Make a list of all the bad things he does to you. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT for a partner? Keep reading that list. Don't focus on his manipulative strategies to get you back just to kick you around some more. 22haha is experiencing a similar situation. Don't let him hook you back in. There is a good, reputable book I would recommend called the The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel. It is very helpful. You all should get it! Hugs, Neshie

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
26
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714257
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information