Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Abused Boyfriend= Abused Girlfriend
September 2, 1999
2:05 am
Avatar
kili
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have been together w/my boyfriend for 9 mths now. We are both children of divorce and have been to two counseling sessions. We were told that it is because we were raised around volatile relationships, we are prone to argue or not get along. I've known that my boyfriend (ex as of two days ago), was molested by his brother for years (from elementary through high school). I have no idea what he is going through when he gets upset, but there have been two occassions in our relationship where he's pushed me or knocked me down.

I would like to know what type of recovery a person goes through in their adult life after something truamatic happens as a child. I know he's been through counseling when he was younger and had come to a safe point with himself to stop. But since our arguing and anger always come out full head almost every other day, and there is physical abuse (towards me), I think- is he really arguing with me because he is just angry, because our parents are divorced, or is his anger coming from his abuse issues as a child?

If anyone out there can share with me their perspective, I'd truly appreciate it. I'm out of the relationship, mainly because I can't trust him with my safety and he has addressed that with me. He does not trust himself around me. I still care about him and find it hard to walk away knowing that he needs to look within himself and the way he reacts to situations. Help.

September 2, 1999
8:27 pm
Avatar
daizy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sounds very hard for both of you. My situation runs a bit different, I was molested by a school friends brother, so in some small way it made it easier that it was not family or someone I'd have to face for the rest of my life. My husband was physically and mentally abused by his father. As we speak there is a hardship between them - he confronted his father and has yet to hear from him? We have both faught very hard to keep our saninty, although we never did attend counseling. I'm amazed at how we did pull through without the extra help. We have both agreed that if problems ever should arise that come between us or unhealthy behavior we will both talk to a counselor.

Would your ex consider counseling again as well as some type of anger management program? Or he could even join some type of support group for men who were abused, sometimes it's really helps to talk to someone like yourself - especially a man! I think you however are on the right track - you've got away from him and yes it's so hard when you still love him so much and want to help. You have to realize that you can't help him if he doesn't want to be helped. Keep your head up and keep working on yourself. Hopefully you will set a good example for him and he will then reach help that he needs.

September 3, 1999
4:14 am
Avatar
kili
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Daizy,
Thank you so much for responding. I appreciate your sharing. I am amazed at what you and your husband have got through and still have eachother to lean on. It was very strong of you to share your life here with me. Thank you.

My boyfriend hung out with me during lunch today. We both work at the same place..(I got him a job there after he graduated from college). You mentioned continuing counseling together. I don't think he's willing to continue with us. At this point he is stressing that we become friends. And he unfortunately told me that he's talked to OUR counselor over the phone and she was in agreement with him on all his points.

He is still caught up on a phone conversation that we had while I was on vacation and I called him at home. He had a bbq and was wasted (*which he did not share that info with me). I started to tell him how I was unconfortable with him smoking pot again. He just told me that he was having a bbq and it wasn't the time to talk about the issue. Then he said that they ordered a pizza and he had to go. He's upset that I didn't let him off the phone and I should have trusted him that if he knows that he's not in the state of mind to talk, I should trust him. I said that if he doesn't tell me that he's not coherent enough to talk then he needs to tell me. Anyways, I was more concerned in talking to him at that point about his pot habit. I didn't care what was going on. I feel that this is really trivial (the timing of the phone call), opposed to cutting through our problems and listening to eachother. He told me that all the people he's talked to agree that I shouldn't have talked to him about his habit while he was having a party.

I don't care about that stuff. And I'm not even upset anymore that he's pushed me and even knocked me down. Is that sick? I guess, I'm too forgiving and don't like conflict. I'm just tired of us arguing. All of my friends have expressed that if I get back together with him that they would be upset with me. Even his own friends dislike him and his behavior. I don't know what to think. Today, I went through work being detached. Especially from this situation. He just happened to come up and ask me to lunch. And it ended with me getting upset with him for holding a grudge against me just for formalities (fighting at the wrong time, not approaching him differently when we fight, what I should realize, what I didn't realize).

And you are right Daizy. I should work on myself and show him what a great example I am. I have a family of friends which he envies, and as much as I tried to include him in that, he didn't get along with any of them. I know I can't help him unless he wants to help himself. His aunt told me that about his pot habit. I told her that he's hurting himself and she repeated herself. I don't accept it. And I won't sit by and pretend like I'll just wait for him to get on track when he wants. I'd rather be with someone who appreciates and listens to my opinions. I know I'll get through this. It's just really hard to get a grasp on what I'm truly feeling, besides a little lonely. Alright...enough babble.

Thank you soo much Daizy.

Kili

More questions...do I sound like I'm ok? Or is it possible that I'm demanding too much from him? Should I be enraged with him in ever laying a hand on me and covering it up with excuses? Why can't I get upset?

September 3, 1999
9:11 am
Avatar
daizy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I've never been in a situation where I've had a b/f hit me, I suppose cuz I won't ever let that happen. Ok, I guess I can't stop it from happening, but if I was ever to be hit - look out because I would be very upset and probably hit back and then choose to leave the situation forever. It's easier for me to say these words because I've not ever dealt with physical abuse. I wonder what type of abuse did you encounter throughout childhood? Or if you grew up in this type of atmosphere it explains a lot about you not getting upset with him for pushing and other abuse. Here is something to think about as well. You remind me of my mother-in-law. She was always covering things up or making excuses for her husbands behavior. I think the reason for this is because she was afraid of him and covering up or making exuses would somehow lesson the anger, but in the end she has now found that it never really worked. Well anyway, after 29 years of a rough marriage he has chosen to divorce her. She is hurting right now and wondered why or how someone could say they don't love you anymore after 29 years. I tried to tell her that he never really loved her, he never showed her the respect she deserves. He as well mentally abused her for that amount of time always laying the blame on other people rather than accepting his mistakes.
So you see, he being upset with you is just his way of lashing out. You have every right to be upset and yes maybe you didn't pick the best time to discuss it. However he can't accept his fault and he needed to lash out at you and blame you for what went wrong. I also hardly believe that the counselor would be in agreement with all of his points - something is "fishy" there. He either didn't tell your counselor all of the situation or something. You really should discuss with your counselor this phone call that was made.
To give you my honest opinion - I don't think he is facing the issues between you or in himself. He has a lot of anger built up inside and won't let it out or when he does it's towards you. You should try to cut the ties between the two of you, I know it won't be easy while you work together, but you have to try to make an effort on yourself. You love him and you'll always love him, but there is nothing you can do to help him (he needs to do that himself). I don't think you want to spend years in a relationship that is not healthy? If it helps, my mother-in-law is in counseling right now and she is finally realizing that she can't change him and that she is a better person than what he made her feel.
You do sound like your ok and on the road to recovery - as long as you keep making the steps and seeing your counselor - you will make it through and be able to live a happy and healthy lifestyle. Yes, you are demanding too much from him - he will only change on his own choice - you can't do anything about it. Yes, you should be enraged that he layed a hand on you - there is NO excuse for that behavior, he needs help! Why are you not upset that he did lay a hand on you - well I'm not sure. Maybe your used to the anger and abuse and you are numb - this is why you need to continue your counseling and move on and away from the relationship you once had with him. Get out and away from him while you can - the abuse will only get worse and again you CAN'T change him. Don't end up another statistic of battered wives.
Talk to your counselor - tell them everything. Find out what else you can be doing to help yourself resolve the issues of the past and present. Maybe you should sit in on a group session of battered women - you might see then what could happen if you stay.
Hang in there and be strong.

September 6, 1999
10:41 pm
Avatar
kili
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Daizy,
Thank you so much! I know I can't fix my situation overnight. I know a lot of the things that my friends and what you have said to me are what is actually happening around me. I'm just on the inside looking out. I know that I've made excuses for his behavior. And you are right. Why should I want to stay in a relationship only to find, after investing way too much more than he deserves of me, that he doesn't truly respect or appreciate me. I want to thank you. And I do hope that your mother in law is feeling better. I want to move on. And because of your email, I will call the counselor which WE shared under my policy. Lord knows, I've worked at my job for 4 years, and if I use my insurance to talk to this person, I deserve the benfits of this professional, NOT HIM. You made me feel better. Thank you again. I'll give you an update as things move on. Right now, I just miss him..but I think that I miss the "idea," of him. My girlfriend said, "If you miss him, you also miss the abuse and anger. It's a package deal." Wish me luck! I'll be calling my counselor tomorrow..

Peace to you.. Kili 😉

September 9, 1999
1:20 pm
Avatar
daizy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Best of luck! And your girlfriend is right - you take him back and you get everything else that comes with him.
I believe in you! Take care and I'll be waiting to hear some good news from you soon!
daizy

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
42
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110924
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38537
Posts: 714209
Newest Members:
delight1080, laticia1, Corties, patrickstayes, kevinkovalsky, izzy39
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer