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Abuse isn't alway's physical, how do we know when it's happening?
November 17, 2005
11:40 am
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coastergirl
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I meant this guy at work, we worked together for about six months before he left the company. I felt I knew him pretty well and really liked him. Because we worked together everyone had their own advice to give to me. I had trouble sorting out the good and the bad. Some thought he would be great for me, other's warned me to stay away. I went with my gut and started seeing him anyway. I really liked this guy, he was ten years older than me, and unlike anyone I had ever dated before. He was strong, and settled in his life and that is proble what attracked me most. With in the first month of our relationship though I noticed that something was wrong, I was doing all the work. The only time we talked was when I called him, he never came out to see me, I was constantly going out of my way to see him, we never went anywhere together, and he always had good excuses to cover up his actions. He had been in the army in his early 20's and always made that his excuse to why he didn't like being around people and that's why we never went out. I was so "in love" with him that I spent most of my time trying to figure him out, and trying to heal him. Forgetting all about what I wanted and what was important to me. Months went on as we sat every night on his couch, he told me a couple of times that he didn't know if he could ever love me. He encouraged me to move on, but I just thought if I stayed he would learn to love me, but yet he countinued to let me come over and slept with me on a daily basis. How was that fair, if that's how he really felt why couldn't he have the RESPECT for me to just let me go, tell me to stop coming around and that we could still be friends. All my friends kept telling me to leave him but I didn't listen I thought I knew him better than they did, so I defended him. Finally he left for an entire week and never once called me while he was gone, that was the drawing line for me but the start to all the emotional abuse I was about to put up with. I had finally started to relize that my friends were right he had no RESPECT for me, he didn't consider me or my feelings. I had enough and I started to move on, my friends introduced me to another guy in hopes that I would see that being with someone didn't have to hurt so bad. But when the jerk came home and found out that I had gone on another date with someone he went crazy. Started threating the new guy telling me that he would kill him etc. I was scared. I knew I wanted to be in a good loving relationship, with someone who respected me, but the jerk still had control over me. I pretty much threw the new guy to the curb because I was afraid of the jerk. Time went on and he made me promises that he never kept. You know the ones they say their going to change to benefit you to get you back, but disapear the moment he's got control agian! I kept in touch with the new guy he was really nice and fun we did the things I wished the jerk would do with me. I was confused! The jerk kept control by manipulating me with lies, and promises he never kept. He pretended to care when he felt it was appropriate to keep me in "the-game" but I knew in my head that true love should never hurt! I was getting stronger in my self listening to my friends (who by the way were just hurting me more and were bad for me according to the jerk, of course he would say that because they got in the way of his munipulation and control) but the more I pulled myself away the worse he got, threating my friends, pushing blame on me, and threating this new guy because he knew I cared for him, I was dumb and thought I could keep him under control by telling him how I felt, and telling him that I wanted out. (You see when we first started dating he told me that if I had ever made that decision that all I had to do was sit down and tell him the truth but when I did he went crazy.) I was so lost I knew in my head that this wasn't healthy for me or even fair to the new guy who treated me great that the jerk was even around. I didn't know how to get rid of him the more I pulled away the more he fought for me, I started to wonder if the man who had told me at one time that he didn't think he could ever love me relized that he really did, I had wanted him to love me for so long that I didn't want to let go in my heart I wasn't ready to give up on the one thing I had waited so long to get from him, but my head was arguing. My world was out of control, I didn't know what thoughts and feelings were even mine anymore. He was filling my head with lies, told me that my friends were bad for me, but I didn't see how they were the ones bad for me all they were doing was trying to help me see the truth. What did they have to gain from my relationship with them. What was the jerk gaining from me being around. I slept with him, cleaned, cooked, etc. why wouldn't he want to keep me around he didn't have to do anything to have a live in maid. Back and forth for months the jerk played my head I had enough so I started to see a thearapist I started to read self help books, but most of all I started to keep control instead of giving in and giving him control. I stopped answering the phone when he called, I told him that I need time for myself. He has tried making me feel guilty a few times by leaving me messages that he was going to hurt himself because I thought he was a bad guy, he doesn't understand why I am doing this TO HIM!! I saw through it though thanks to the thearpy and self help books I can read the truth in every lie. There is a list in Codependency no more by: Melody Beattie that lays out the difference between good positive relationships and negative relationships that really hit hard, everything listed in the right hand column was everything I was experiencing with the jerk, now I am fighting to stay strong and relizing my own thoughts and feelings for the first time in a long time. The first thing that I had to accept was that I was being abused, it wasn't the typical abuse that you read about as far as me being hit, or even verbaly abused so I didn't recognize it, I was even in denial and defended him for his actions. It wasn't until I sat down with my thearapist and disgused it, disrepect, lack of caring for the other person, and considering their feelings. Not only was he abusing me I was letting him!

November 17, 2005
1:37 pm
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mj
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I am so happy that you are becoming aware of your actions and responses. We don't have to be Victims. Empowerment feels good. Keep taking care of YOURSELF and thanks for sharing your Courage.

November 17, 2005
2:37 pm
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exoticflower
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((((coastal girl)))), I am a victim of very severe Phsychological abuse, and applaud you for thinking beyond physical pain and looking honestly at steath abuse. There is a great thread here called "Ambiance abuse (aka crazymaking)" worth checking out. Daughter just woke up so I must get to her, but more to say soon.

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