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Abuse in childhood.
June 20, 2006
4:32 pm
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BasilCat
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June 20th 06

I am 48 years old now and married with 12 year old twins - married for 14 years. To cut a long story short, before I got married, our relationship was at a distance. He was in the forces so I only saw him when he was home on leave. But I was on cloud 9. We finally married 18 months after we first met. But only a week or so after we met, I noticed that I was irritated to the point of irrational, with everything hubby did and said. This anger was/is largely kept inside. But I have thought that I must be cracking up and have told my self to get a grip, ignore the feelings and enjoy life. But the feelings always return.
Now I know why!! These feelings have been keeping a barrier between me and hubby. He was at a distance before we married. And I could cope with that. But I was not prepaired for not being able to cope with a close relationship untill it was too late and we had moved in together.
My dad was emotionally abusive you see and untill I got married, I had not seen the huge impact that it had had on my life. I have only just, in the last 9 or 10 months, realised why and how I have been keeping that barrier in place. It came as a huge shock when the truth dawned on me. Another way to put it would be to say that this anger/irritation that has been directed at hubby for so long, has been another way of rejecting him so that I have done it first and he cant hurt me.
The trouble is, I dont think I will ever get over this. I had this barrier up before I met hubby but had never had a serious relationship that would have indicated to me what would happen when I was tied to a fella. I was fine with my fiance before we got married as he lived 100s of miles away so there was not much time for true emotional closeness.
Well, has anyone got any ideas as to how I can cope with this. Even though I am aware of this barrier and its purpose, it is still there. How can I let it down?

Thanks for listening.
Shirley

June 20, 2006
6:02 pm
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ggfred4
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I too was mentally abused along with sexual abuse. It does affect our relationships. I just came to terms with it in my forties also. I am just beginning to deal with it through talking, this site, reading, and counseling. That is all the advice I can get. This site has helped a lot, since I no longer feel so alone. If you could tell your husband, that would make it easier for him to understand.

June 21, 2006
4:54 pm
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BasilCat
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Hi ggfred4, Thanks for your message. I have been horrified with my discoveries during the past year or so. Even my mum has her part in this abuse! She is very religious. However, her religion says that "man is perfect and made in the imagine and likeness of god!" This means that she never saw dad as being guilty of emotional abuse/neglect, she saw him as perfect!!! Therefore, she never attempted to put a stop to his behaviour and he never thought his behaviour was wrong. Also, he continued with this abuse for year after year. I mean about 30 years!!! Mum could have divorced him or anything but she did nothing to protect me and my brother! She did not think of the impact dads behaviour would have on us, neither did he. So dad is guilty and so is my mum for allowing him to continue being abusive and not protecting us from him!!! No wonder I am holding hubby at a distance. I feel like I dont trust any man with my feelings and emotions. Needless to say, the physical side of our marriage has been nil for ages now, about a year I would say. Abuse is truly awful, isnt it? I am hoping to go and see a psychotherapist soon and see if he/she can help. I have felt so alone with this too. I have told hubby a bit already but the discussion soon grinds to a halt. He doesnt ask me further questions, just muddles along in his own quiet way when really, he must be regretting marrying me and I dont blame him! I am not the woman he married - and he is not the man I married either. Thanks again for your reply. Take Care
Basil

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