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Abuse: do you ever recover?
February 7, 2000
6:12 am
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smeierhans
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I have been molested,raped,sexually physically mentally,emotionally abused.I try to leave the past behind.I get new relationship .things go good for while,then past starts to creep back in.I cannot afford to go to therepy.I have been a self mutilator since age 14.Tried suicide 4 different times.I am just numb...I turn feelings off due to always feeling pain and depression.Is there somewhere I can turn?

February 7, 2000
6:15 am
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mindless
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i don't think so - my favorit - laying in the swoer with the water so hot it makes my body shake after getting out. shouldn't be so bothersome but ut is

February 7, 2000
6:27 am
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smeierhans
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I do that too...The water is scalding hot ...I jump in and lay in ti just to know "yes you are alive"

February 7, 2000
6:43 am
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mindless
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yes almost until it welts

February 7, 2000
10:36 am
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mnms
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smeierhans,
I don't have much advice, only can give you comfort in knowing you are not alone. Everything you have said you have been through I have too-except the rape. I know what it is like to want to die (and to try) and even though lately (including right now) I haven't felt "happy" or even "okay", I know for sure that there is hope and that things can get better. Do you see a counselor? It helps me to go to one because it's something to look forward to... I know it is hard to move on... VERY HARD... but it is possible. If you need to talk I am always willing..you can even email me if you want ([email protected])... I am praying for you, hang in there...

mnms

February 7, 2000
11:31 am
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Cici
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Self-injurious behavior is a good indicator that something is very wrong with the coping mechanisms you have developed asa result of prolonged trauma. Unfortunately, there's no home remedies for this sort of problem and the only thing you can do is look into professional help. You don't have to go to a paid professional, though. There are usually support groups for those who have survived childhood sexual trauma. They usually advertise their meeting times and locations in the local newspaper. Also, look into local crisis centers for survivors of rape and incest. There is a way to get help out there. Good luck, take care.

February 8, 2000
8:10 am
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Brittainy
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Hello You are not alone. Talke to people who understand you, it may take time but things will gradually get easier as time goes on. Take care

February 11, 2000
2:10 pm
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kay
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I like the shower hot too. I thought I was the only one who did that.

I don't think recover is the right word for any of us, it will never fully go away. I say US because you are not alone. It is amazing, the mental anguish a personcan endure... remember that the worst is likely over and you have survived.

I couldn't afford help either, I didn't want to go to a support group so I went to the counselor at my university, it was free and he cared a lot.

What ever you do, make sure you are heard. There are many people who care and it will ease your pain. Good luck.

February 15, 2000
1:54 am
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tilley
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hmm. I was and still am there. I had a numbness that i liked because feeling hurt too much. What I never realizied was that there were good feelings too and that i was blocking those as well.
I found that by talking to people that really cared it helped ease *some* of the pain. Though I still tried to push those people away by telling them how horrible i was.
It has been years since I was raped etc. I am still not "over" it. You never get over it. It is a part of you, but with proper help it can be a part of you that doe sbot control you and make you use mutilation as a coping mechanism. i would hope that you would find someone to talk to. There are counselors and even informal support groups that can help you talk though what you are going though.

February 15, 2000
3:00 am
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mindless
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kay - didn't know others were like me - I start with cold water - very cold - to numb the skin-winter is good because it takes a coule times to get all the way cold and then I just turn the nob to any place hot and leave it - feeling the numbness go away and the hot take over and finally too hot and I start counting - I try to make it to 100, if I do then I get to try another 100. I will usually repeat this 3 times and by then i am all red and shaking so I can'y do it any more and I feel bad vecause I can't.Once I tied candle over the showerand lit them so they would drip and make the hot water relief from the wax dripping. I don't known why I can't stop it. It's p[robly bot good for your body,

February 15, 2000
7:59 am
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hazza
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mindless,and smierhans,
Please get some help for your self mutilations and harming.
YOu both are doing things that are bad for your body and mind, this is your minds way of saying to you please listen to me, lets stop this pain.

As cici said the coping mechanisms your bady and mind has learnt are not the most healthy and you need to work on this with a therapist.
You need to look after you, please keep talking here and see if you can get some help with the self hurt and the compulsions.
Peace
Hazza

February 15, 2000
12:11 pm
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care
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I also understand. I consider myself a survivor. It took a long time and a lot of work but today I cope pretty well most of the time. One thing I had to learn was that today I am an adult and I have the right to say NO! I can leave the abuse and not put myself in a bad situtation. I also remind myself that I was not responiable for what my abusers did nor did I deserve it. That I'm NOT bad, then I was just a child and today I am a caring and loving person. Have you read "The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis? It is a very hard book to get through by it did help me. There is hope. Keep trying and you can get better.

February 16, 2000
1:36 am
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mindless
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but the pain i snice, makes you feel real - alive, awake - aware, what's wrong with that

February 16, 2000
4:43 am
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hazza
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Hi Mind,
I think what is wrong with it is that
1. its not good for your body
2. There are other ways to feel nice,

Maybe you have been used to pain being the only emotion that makes you feel anything other than numb in your life.
May be because you feel so numb all the time, you confuse pain with being a nice feeling because it is the only feeling you ever have that isn't numbness.

The problem here is that your sub- concious mind knows that this is pain, and it equates that with the abuse you have suffered from people and keeps those scars fresh.

You are in affect continuing the abuse, now there is no-one else there to abuse you, you are doing it to yourself.

You must of heard many stories of people who were abused as children and the go on to become abusers themselves in adult life, repeating the cycle?
You are now the abuser and the victim is yourself.

You need to learn to love and forgive yourself. to realse that you did nothing wrong.

We can work together on this, we here can listen to you and talk to you and hopefully find some ways that you can lose the numbeness without giving yourself pain. But please consider seeing a councellor, it will help you.

Tell me more about the pain you give yourself.

Are there any other things that make you feel alive that don't involve pain?

Do you understand what i mean,when i say that the pain you give yourself is a reminder to you mind of the pain you suffered in your life. May be it is not good to keep that feeling so fresh that it is never allowed to heal?
Its like when you have a cut and you keep picking off the scab so the cut never heals.

Please keep talking to us
Hugs
Hazza

February 16, 2000
10:42 pm
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kay
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the other day I was at my fiance's house after snowboarding and we took a shower together to "save water". when he got out i turned the water as hot as it could go and it surprised me because it is hotter at his place, but it felt good.

I also like how the heat exhausts you...and when I get out I feel a little drained and sometimes I get a head rush, like when you stand up to fast and everthing goes black for a second. It's not only pain, it helps me sleep better sometimes.

Well my fiance didn't know i did this and he saw how red my skin was. He was not impressed, I could tell but he didn't say anything, probably because we had such a fun day (which is rare for me lately) and he didn't want to bring me down.

When I think about it I don't see anything wrong with this act in the physical aspect, the physical pain goes away. What worries me most is the mental pain, what is the underlying problem that needs to be dealt with? Once the problem is solved or at least dealt with the rest will fall in place, but for now the numbness is comfort.

Self mutilation may be different because depending on how far you go you could hospitalize yourself or cause permanent physical injury, it could leave a constant reminder of the problems you are trying to forget. I don't self mutilate.

I think everyone has their own way of dealing with their emotional anguish. Some people isolate themselves and cry, or like to drive really fast, or slam doors, or go jogging, or turn the water hot. They are all ways of release and comfort for a short time and none really address the issue at hand. It is important to talk to a counselor and get on the right path. But I wouldn't expect to stop the comforting acts until the healing is well on its way.

February 17, 2000
7:20 am
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hazza
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Hi Kay,
I do agree with you. You cannot take away someones coping mechanisms at once, they need to be gradually replaced if they are unhealthy ways of coping with something that is a little beter for the body.

Could it be that your Heat treatment in the shower is in someway a coping mechanism though? May be you are self medicating with it?
I do thing to put water on your skin that is so hot that is makes you red and light headed is a little extreme, it is not good for your circulation or immune system, so it might be a bit damaging, i don't know? do you get the Flu alot?!

YOu are so right, the real thing is to try to get to understand all of yourself so that you understand why you want to do things likw this. I have anxiety problems and i spend alot of time trying to get to understand myself and understand the illogical parts of my mind, Anxiety is closely linked with Compulsive disorders and i can at times of stress find myself performing little rituals that make no sense at all. The key is to find out why these things have a soothing nature and try to find some other way of soothing. With me it is about trying to contol things so that life does not panic me. Maybe with you you are trying to control when and how your body feels, for example you are the one who can now control if you feel hot or cold or numb and so on? Just a thought. But please take care with extremes of hot and cold water, you might end up with chilblains like i have and they are horrid!!!!
Peace
Hazza

February 17, 2000
9:20 am
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Brittainy
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Hi Self harm is not the answer at the end if the day it will only hurt you more. Talk to people, there are people who understand what you are going through, and there are people who care. Look after yourself.

February 17, 2000
11:08 pm
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mindless
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yea, it's a mind thing. like how much you can take-that's hy it's good to alternate hot and cold. but my heart is usually ponding so hard, I can't sleep- some of the awareness might be from that but it's just real nice-sometimes I start to feeling badly during the day, even morose, just real bad and then I know it's time to have a "sesion". sometimes I can get it so hot my ears will ring after-.and yea, teh feeling of being exhausted is real good too.I feel complete and the next day really ready fo anything. It's wierd. Like feeling sacrificed maybe- t's nice . Doesn't everybode enjoy something wierd? I mean it's not like eating feeces or anything.

I don't know but yea, I'm really confused. Sometimes I just don't know what to think anymore.

February 18, 2000
5:46 am
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hazza
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HI mind,
I won't call you mind less because you are not, you have a good mind.

I am not criticising you for your behaviour but it is not "normal" i think it is a little extreme. It is a ritual which you have learned to use to help you feel in control. You need to break away from it in order to heal.
but you need to break from it slowly.

When i was at my worst with panic attacks, i would get them all the time, at night i could not sleep. I had a ritual too. I would sleep with the light on, drink milk, eat peppermints and read. Until i fell asleep exhausted as my mind raced with panic and my body responded with all the horrible sensations of anxiety.

YOu may not think that this is bad, but it was not right, it kept my partner awake, it made me tired.

It made me realise that there was something wrong - IT WAS AN INDICATOR TO LOOK DEEPER

I did look deeper, it took a long time but as i got healthier and dealt with the REAL problems so my coping skills came back into normal levels.
I now sleep with the light off like other people, i don't feel panic at night, i have a good nights sleep and wake refreshed ready to face the day. ALL BECAUSE I CONCENTRATED ON THE REAL ISSUE AT HAND

i DO NOT SAY TO YOU THAT YOU MUST "CURE" YOUR HEAT TREATMENT BECUASE IT IS WIERD OR WRONG, i say you must look into it becuase it is an indicator of unhappyness and that is what you need to look at. WHY? because you will be so much more at ease if you face these things, ask anyone here who has they will all tell you they are glad they did, even if it is hard work.

Nothing is wrong, it is just the extremes that we take it too that indicate a problem.

For example, eating is not wrong, we need to eat. But someone who is unhappy can use eating as a coping technique to the point that they comfort eat and become overwieght. In their case the eating is just a symptom of underlying unhappiness. They need to find out why they are unhappy and work on that and also replace their method of comfort with a healthier one.

Please try to work out when and why you use the shower, try journalling your feelings, do you use it more after a bad day? when you are nervouse? look at it from every angle.
Your mind is trying to tell you something here, but just like dreams, it uses funny language and symbols, it is up to you to try to interpret what it is asking from you.
Peace
Hazza

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