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About to lose it all,wife family because of codependency
January 26, 2005
7:30 pm
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jamof4
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I am codependent who is great at denial, excuses and minipulation(sp). I had a very great teacher in denial from my mom. My wife is ready to leave me if I don't stop with the cycles of despair.
She has tried to help but is fed up. I have been playing the game for 13 years now. I am a dry alcoholic, even though I don't drink I still have the cycles and I have all the excuses for not doing the treatment. I am looking for some help on how to make myself do what is right. I will start then find an excuse to stop. I will lose my family if I dont do something. HELP!!!!!

January 26, 2005
7:41 pm
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DTEE
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"I will lose my family if I dont do something. HELP!!!!!" - jamof4 - these are your words......I think you better "do something" and stick to it. Don't get me wrong I know how it is to need to fix a problem and get started and quit. Its hard to see it through. It sounds like you don't want to lose your family. Just stick with getting through the help......Good luck to you......PEACE

January 26, 2005
8:12 pm
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gingerleigh
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Asking for help is the first step. It's how you break the chain, the cycle, the spinning. Have you thought about meeting with a counselor, just one session, see how it feels for you? I know that when one says "counseling" people think huge expense. But one session can be afforded, there are ways. Maybe try it and see if it feels like it can help you, if there is a faint glimmer of hope.

January 26, 2005
9:56 pm
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Emperorsclothes
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you can do it, reach your sponsor or get any kind of support you need. god bless u

January 26, 2005
10:54 pm
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brownie
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Hello jamof4.I admire your sincerity about not wanting to lose your family and the fact that you can be in denial and can manipulate.Thats a great start.I was married to my husband for 15 years.Overall,22 years and he used to use.He was a crack and alcohol addict.Hes been sober for 14 years now and still is no better.He is in so much denial and can be manipulating.

He has put me and my kids thru hell with his past issues.If he was mad at somebody,he would come home and take it out on us.He is also very verbal abusive towards me and my teen daughter.I have 3 children with him.I am now in the process of getting a divorce now.He has messed up my life.

So this is why i say i am glad that you recognize your issues and that you are doing something about it.Are you in therapy?because therapy helps alot.It would help you to talk about your issues and also do you go to AA(alcoholics anonymous)?You should go do those 2 things and you will be alright.Also you should have family therapy mainly.Because you and your wife can discuss the issues your have with each other.These are good things to do in order to get your marriage and family back together.Good Luck.

January 26, 2005
11:00 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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If you're a real alcoholic of the hopeless variety my suggestion is that you get your ass to an AA meeting, find a sponsor, and work the steps. If you have already worked the steps it's time to do it again.

I am an alcoholic and I work the steps on a yearly basis to keep the kind of stuff you talk about in the initial entry from happening.

January 27, 2005
11:26 am
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ILSILS
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September 27, 2010
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you sound like my husband, and if i could say anything to him that i wish he would "get" it would be that your deffinition of being a good man has to change, it dosnt mean just bringing in the money, you have to be finantially supportive, emotionaly supportive ie: listinging, compromising, giving her hugs, getting her things when she is sick, same witht the kiddos, take them places, ride the city bus with them, the zoo, the pool, be there, say what you mean to do and do it, stick to your promises, fake it till you make it, and keep going.

January 27, 2005
12:21 pm
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jamaicanwife
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The first time I went to a counsellor, I expected to talk about what the world had done to me, and get some sympathy and understanding. The first day, he handed me a handout about responsibility. Eight years later, two jobs and an almost-divorce later, I am finally BEGINNING to get it. I am responsible for my life.

It is the hardest lesson I have had to learn, and being fired once didn't help me learn it, I had to lose a second job, and watch my whole life fall apart before I got it. It sounds to me that you are ready to learn it, but if you aren't, you will lose everything. Maybe then you will get it.

Once you understand that you are responsible for your own life, then the hard work begins, so you have to get that, really get it, before you can change anything.

My marriage teetered on the edge for 5 years, and the day I understood that it was not my husband's fault, or my mother's fault, or his mother's fault, or my father's fault, or God's fault, that it didn't even matter whose fault it was, only then did I begin to grow and change. It is really hard to be honest with myself everyday, and sometimes I fall back into old habits. Then my life starts to fall apart again, which is terrific motivation to get back on track.

If I can do it, I know you can.

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